The Marauders' Advice Thingy
by thishasbeenabanadoned
Summary: The Marauders are proud to announce that from herein The Marauders Advice Thingy now exists! The idea is YOU ask US for advice and we reply with our guidance, better judgement and inherently witty remarks.
1. Chapter 1

_Authors' note: First and foremost this is a collaborative effort between Tiger-cub684 and I. She can be found here: www . fanfiction . net/u/1069652/ (but without the spaces)_

_This is just a bit of fun, we will try to keep in character when giving advice but do not blame us for strange silliness and silly strangeness. It's not our fault. We were born that way.

* * *

_

_(On the Gryffindor notice board pinned up on top of a very important message concerning not letting off dungbombs in the passageways.)_

The wonderful, marvellous, beneficent, amazing, remarkable, outstanding, stupendous, dazzling, astounding, stunning, superb and extremely good looking Marauders are proud to announce that from herein The Marauders Advice Thingy now exists! The idea is YOU ask US for advice and we reply with our guidance, better judgement and inherently witty remarks. So let it begin!

Your Sincerely,

Messers Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs.

* * *

**James if I catch you in my underwear draws again I will personally RIP OUT YOUR STOMACH. With my bare hands. Got it?**

**-Lily Evans**

**PS. Just out of curiosity, how did you even get into my dorm?**

**---**

Lily Flower,

I will take your comment to heart and next time I will not let you catch me. Thanks for the heads up though, really appreciate it.

As for your other question, that is Classified Marauder Knowledge. Chaos would reign if anyone else were to know about the secret passageway just behind the painting of the flying pigs in the Gryffindor common room to which the password is 'flobberworm'. People would just walk in and out of the girls' dormitories as they please and we all know how terrible that would be.

Love,

James

* * *

**Someone's told everyone about a secret passageway into the girls' dormitories and now I can't get a single minute of privacy. Last night someone stole all Lily Evans' skirts and any one of us could be next. What should I do?**

**-Desperate Gryffindor Girl**

**---**

Dear Desperate Gryffindor Girl,

I think I know who's responsible for Lily's missing skirts and I would just like to state that they are an IMMATURE BERK and should be LOCKED UP for the good of the wizarding world.

Anyway I suggest putting a jinxed lock on your door. You can get them from Zonko's and even though they are meant to be items of pranks and what not they are still very handy for keeping people out of things. Get one and observe what happens to the offending perpetrator, it is quite amusing.

-Messer Moony

* * *

**My hands are covered in the most MONSTROUS and PAINFULL boils! I have been forced to dictate to Moony to write this. I'd just like to know WHO TOLD THEM ABOUT THAT LOCK.**

**-Prongs**

**---**

Hey Prongsie,

Why are you writing to our Advice Thingy? We created it. We do not ask advice from ourselves despite how fantastic we are at giving it. I have noticed your boils, because I HAVE THEM TOO (I too am dictating to Said Moonikins). So does EVERYONE. Except for Moony, lucky bugger

-Padfoot

* * *

**Dearest Moony, **

**You seem to be the ONLY marauder that actually gives GOOD and USEFUL advice. So I have decided to direct my question to you. In Defense we're studying werewolves and I can't seem to remember anything about them. Can you help?**

**-Someone**

**---**

Dear Someone,

You know I was never really uh... any good at this werewolf business. Perhaps you'd be better off asking one of the others.

-M.

---

Dear Someone,

HE IS LYING. Moony is practically an EXPERT on werewolves. But I'm not. Ask James or Sirius.

-Wormtail

---

Dear Someone,

THEY BOTH LIE. Really, all the time. Pathological liars the both of them. I'm afraid that I AM YOUR LAST BATTALION OF HOPE. Because dear old Prongsie is off chasing the fair maiden who, as legend tells us, is destined to RIP OUT HIS STOMACH. With her bare hands. Which, if you ask me, is just her way of saying, "I love you and I want to have your babies!"

But ANYWAY. Werewolves. Well, they are people who turn into these big ugly monster beasts every month during the full moon. They have funny eyes and smelly breath even when they're not transformed. Scrap that, ESPECIALLY when they're not transformed. I mean really, there's bad breath and there's BAD BREATH. If you want anymore help go to the bloody library.

-Pads

---

Dear Someone,

I apologise on behalf of Messer Padfoot and Messer Wormtail for being UGLY GITS. I have decided to help your cause. The library is FULL of excellent and informative books on this subject, and indeed, any other subject you can think of. You should look there for information.

-M.

* * *

_Authors' note: I hope you enjoyed these and would like to know if you did (:cough:review:cough:) or didn't. Also if you have any questions for the Marauders give either Tiger-cub684 or me a yell and we will see what we can do._


	2. Chapter 2

_Authors' note: See co-writer Tiger-Cub684 and lavish her with praise for this: www . fanfiction . net/u/1069652/ (but without the spcaes). But review here anyway. And send us your questions!_

**

* * *

Dear Marauders, **

**Why is the sea blue? **

**- Johnny **

**---**

Dear Johnny,

The sea is blue because your mum's waterbed exploded. Ha ha ha, hold on, I got more.

- Pads

---

Johnny,

I will have to ask my beloved Lily Flower, she's so smart, she knows all. I hope the large bouquet of lilies and many boxes of chocolates will slightly lessen her anger and feeling of distaste towards me. I am ever so sorry Lily! Please don't burn my broomstick or rip out my stomach! I swear I will help you put up a powerful blocking spell on the secret passageway if you return it unharmed. Please, for the love of god, GIVE ME BACK MY BROOMSTICK!

-James

---

Your mum's so fat, when she went to beach, people started calling out, "Beached Whale"

-Pads

---

Johnny,

It's because all the fish pee blue, and they pee in the sea.

-Wormtail

---

Padfoot,

Shut up with the "Your mum's so fat" jokes or I won't let you use my history notes for the essay

-M

---

You're a cruel man Moony, A CRUEL MAN!

-Pads

---

Dear Johnny,

The sea is blue because it reflects the colour of the sky. Thanks for the question. Johnny.

-Moony

---

Moony,

Nah, it's the fish pee!

-Wormtail

* * *

**Dear Prongs,**

**I will take you up on your offer to help protect my dorm, but I'm afraid that the broomstick will not be returned unharmed. You will get it back, but unfortunately, it is rather damaged. You can fix it. But you will ONLY get is back if you promise not to sneak into my dorm EVER AGAIN! And you have to seal it with a spell so it will pain you incredibly to even think about poking through my underwear. Got it! **

**-Lily (stop calling me Lily flower!)**

**---**

Lily

I agree to your terms and will meet you in the common room after lunch to start work on closing the secret passageway. Moony will write up a binding contract and I expect you to have my broomstick. Luckily Pads knows how to fix these things. Sorry once again.

Missing your underwear already,

-Prongs

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**I was wondering, why is it that all the guy's act so stupid and always copy each other, even if it is completely stupid? **

**-From Polly**

**---**

Dear Polly,

What are you talking about, we're not stupid, we just like to have fun!

-Padfoot

---

Dear Polly,

Lily says that all the time. But I have to kind of agree with Pads there. It's just a bit of fun. If you girls' can't understand it, well, it's only fair. We have no idea why you girls do all those stupid things like put on make-up, obsess about shopping and other stuff. Let's just accept that we have different ways of amusing ourselves.

-Prongs

---

Dear Polly,

I agree with Padfoot, sneaking into the teachers' common room to steal their honey is NOT stupid!

-Wormtail

---

Actually, Wormy, that was one of the stupidest things we did, a complete mistake.

-Pads

---

Well Polly,

As you can see, most boys who partake in such activities see as it as fun. Fortunately MOST boys (and I use the term lightly) will out grow such behaviour, but this can not be said for Padfoot, whose intentions always seem to be fun, no matter if the method is completely stupid

-Moony

---

M

Give me some credit there Moony, not everything is completely stupid.

-Pads

---

P

Yes it is.

-M

* * *

**Dear Marauders.**

**Why are muggles so strange?**

**- From Jack**

**---**

Dear Jack, (if that is your real name)

It's all because the lack of magic makes their brains deformed and therefore makes them strange. I hope that helps.

-Padfoot

---

Hey, Lily's parents are muggle. I agree though with that with her sister. She's like some kind of troll. You know what I think Jack, I think that not being in touch with out enlightened ways has made them all kind of…odd. But some are all right. They're not all weirdoes.

-Prongs

---

Dear Jack.

I like eating cake! Muggles eat cake!

-Wormtail

---

Dear Jack.

Prongs is actually kind of right. Muggles are not really strange, but merely different to us. We have had magic to help our people grow and develop over the years. Muggles have had to make do with their tools and sciences, which although are not nearly as effective or powerful as magic, they are still doing pretty well with what they have. They don't need torches or fire to light a room. We do. I hope that helps you understand Jack.

-Moony (The Enlightened One)

* * *

_Authors' note: Send questions and reviews and we will send chapters and chocolate!_


	3. Chapter 3

_Hey people, this isTiger-Cub684, the better half of the creators of the wonderful and fun fic I hope you are all enjoying this and I beg you to keep the questions coming, because there is only so much we can think of ourselves just a fun fact, me and James share one aspect of our lives We both have deep and never ending crushes on people who possible don't even like us except in James case, we know he gets married to Lily in the end, and weather I marry my dearly beloved or not depends on the future, which I unfortunately cannot predict . Well, that's enough from me Please remember to Read and Review, and to lavish discombobulated.shoe and myself with praise _

_-Ciao_

_MY CAMEO: I think your personal life is a topic for another time, place and audience. Preferably one I am not a part of. So just BLOODY SHUT UP ABOUT IT FOR ONCE. Okay? Good. Now from the creator who is UNDOUBTABLY the much better THREE QUATERS of the fic, I hope you enjoy this and we're sorry we took a while to update. School is such an arse. But mainly it is Tiger-cub684's fault for LACK OF PRIORITIES. Since when do Jobs take precedence over The Advice Thingy? Some people have NO SENCE._

_-discombobulated.shoe_

* * *

**James,**

**Why in the name of Merlin do you like Evans! She's a dirty mudblood! And a slut, you must be OUT OF YOUR MIND!**

**-Bella**

---

Dear Bella,

WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET OFF BAD-MOUTHING MY LILY FLOWER LIKE THAT YOU EVIL COW! Lily is the nicest, kindest girl in the whole flippin' school and I will NOT have you call her such abominations. So just piss off and go eat slime you dirty pureblood! I now refuse to talk or respond to your questions EVER again.

-James

---

Bella,

James is right. Plus I detect a distinct note of JEALOUSY in your question.

Are you perhaps a little JEALOUS of Miss Evans? Have you considered that JEALOUSY is a strong participant in your opinion of Lily, oh JEALOUS one?

-M

---

Hey Bella,

You sound a lot like my cousin BELLAtrix. Isn't that strange oh Jealous Bella(trix).

-Sirius

---

Ha ha ha ha ha, sucked in James, Bellatrix has a crush on you! Mu ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

-Pete

---

Shut up Pete, or I will make you a victim of my Bellatrix-hating-rage!

-J

---

Looks like you blew your chances with him now Bellatrix.

-Sirius

* * *

**Dear Marauders, **

**I have very strong feelings for my beloved Severus but I don't know if he likes me back. Help**

**-Trix**

**---**

Hey! Is this bellaTRIX?

-Pete

---

Hey James, looks like you got some competition for possession of my dear cousin's heart

–Pads

---

Shut up, I'm faithful to my Lily. You know very well how I feel about her and how much I despise of this waste-of-my-time who dared to ask us a question. Also, as I said before, I refuse to give any advice to Bellatrix after her comments of my dear, hopefully, future girlfriend.

- Prongs

---

Bellatrix, I suggest you seriously consider what you are saying. Snape is a greasy, ugly, evil, twisted loner who doesn't deserve the time of day. He is not worthy of a worm for a girlfriend, even though you are pretty much as horrible and dirty as he is. If you seriously want him, go for it. You two dirty, greasy worms deserve each other.

- Defiantly NOT Prongs

---

I think this "advice" session needs a bit of civility, just to shake things up. Trix (if that IS your real name) Snape hates everyone. This is an observation not an opinion. He does. I'm sorry to burst your bubble but there you have it.

-Moony

* * *

**I do not like James Potter that dirty muggle-lover. And Severus Snape is a slimeball. Sirius I will curse you from here to the moon.**

**-Bellatrix Black**

**---**

Sure, whatever you say dearest cousin, you couldn't curse rain to fall. We all know it was you.

-Dearest Padfootsie

---

That cousin of yours has quite an attitude. Perhaps you had better watch out next time you turn a corner or enter a dark alley. But I can't blame her for having feelings for me, I mean, I AM really hot, smart and the chicks dig my relaxed attitude. It's just too bad for her that I've already promised myself that I'd stay true to my Lily. And I got to agree with you Bella about Snape, he is a slimeball, but then again, so are you.

-Prongs

---

Yeah, I could curse better than you. You evil chocolate hater!

- Petey

**---**

I really must protest. You are not actually asking advice of us! That is entirely _against the point_. That sort of behavior is NOT ON and being thus I shall not apologise for Sirius, James and Peter. If they want to give you a hard time they can do so. You… ruiner of advice thingies.

-M

**---**

Moony that is just sad. You should not get involved when we "give people a hard time." You couldn't insult someone to save your life. Go be polite somewhere else.

-Padfoot

---

I thought I was being quite harsh actually.

-M

---

You sad, sad little man.

-Pads

* * *

**What kind of chocolate is your favorite?**

**-Anon**

**---**

Well Anon,

I have a certain fondness towards chocolates of all kind but I must say I am somewhat partial to dark chocolate. And anything from Honeyduke's. But dark chocolate in particular.

-Messer. M.

---

I like chocolate.

-Pete

---

I really like chocolate frogs. I've been collecting the cards since I was 8, and I still have them all somewhere in my room at home. Somewhere. I know Lily likes those muggle chocolates, Cadbury. They're actually pretty good. She also hates those cheap chocolates you get in the tacky pink heart-shaped boxes at Valentines Day. I hate buying them too, so it's all good. What a good question.

- Prongs

---

Oh, I love those joke chocolates you get at Zonko's Joke Shop. They're so cool; each one does something different, you never know what will happen. Some give you lots of zits, others make you come out in a nasty rash. Others give you boils and there's this type that make you look really fat, but that wares off after a few hours. There are so many others too, but those ones are my personal favourites. Great fun. Just give them to your friends and enemies, and sit back and watch the show.

- Padfoot

* * *

**Marauders **

**I've heard that werewolves have more, uh...STAMINA...in certain areas of their personal lives. There's no info in the library on this (I've checked. And re-checked. And re-re-checked. And re-re- ...well, you get the idea). Is it true?**

**-Karma**

**---**

Dear Karma,

I'm sure Moony will be able to tell you everything you need to know about that area.

–Prongsie

---

Dear Karma,

Once again I must say that I really do have no clue as to ANYTHING to do with this werewolves. I'm sorry I am being unhelpful but perhaps you could stop asking me about this particular subject, as I have no idea because I know absolutely nothing about it. And James is WRONG; I most certainly will NOT be able to tell you ANYTHING about ANY particular area. Because I don't know anything about werewolves.

-Remus

---

He is so lying, I'm sure Remus knows exactly how much stamina Werewolves have in that area.

- Pete

**---**

Yes Remus, why don't you share some of your knowledge with us.

- Padfoot

---

Because I don't HAVE any knowledge. I'd have thought that would be clear by now. I suppose some people are just a little slow on the uptake. Now, once more, for clarity; I DO NOT KNOW ANTHING ABOUT WEREWOLVES INCULDING ANY AREAS OF THEIR PERSONAL LIVES OR OTHERWISE. Do we understand now? Good.

-M

I'm sure Karma would love to help you discover the truth, Moony, perhaps we might find a werewolf somewhere… somewhere…

-Prongs

---

No. No -- just no. Go away now James. And Padfoot. And Peter because I know you're about to say something just as -- evil as those two. No.

-M

---

HA HA DO IT MOONY. (What James suggested)

–Pete

---

NEXT QUESTION!

-M

--

Dear Moony, I was wondering, I know this Werewolf, and he is very tight and needs to find a lady friend can you shed any light on the kind of girl that he might like?

- Paddleboat

---

Sirius Black, I will feed you to the giant squid if you don't BLOODY SHUT UP. Thank you for your time.

-Moony.

---

Ok, sorry Moony, I will make Sirius pay for stirring you up I am sorry to have made you so angry now, if we shut up will you explain the history essay to us? You know you're the only one who doesn't fall asleep in history of magic lessons I will send some chocolate later if you do.

– Prongs

---

For you not a chance. But for chocolate on the other hand...

- M

* * *

_Thank you discombobulated.shoe for your cameo, it was enlightening. At least I'm getting paid for my job, anyway, thank you for reading this, and please, please I beg of you please review and send your questions, because without them we cannot continue for lack of questions and therefore having to resort to stupid things I don't even want to think about. Seriously any question, it could be about anything, not even remotely related to Harry Potter, you can see the possible answers from the Marauders, it's worth a try so please R and R!_

_-Tiger-cub684_


	4. Chapter 4

_Hey people,_

_This is Tiger-Cub684 again, the other and more talented of the creators of this fic. discombobulated.shoe and I generally share the parts played, but she always does Remus, while I always do James. We switch and share Sirius and Peter. If you are interested, check out some of our other fics, and look out for The Wizards of Hogs, another joint marauder project which will come out on my account, I hope you are all enjoying this as much as we are, and again, please keep the questions coming Read and Review!

* * *

_

**Dear Sirius, **

**Why is it that we kiss so passionately in the broom closet on Saturday, and then I never see you again!**

**- From Very Angry**

---

Eh, Sirius? Got some lady troubles then eh eh?

-James

---

What's this about a broom closet! You told me you were writing that essay for history! What'd you do with my notes? I NEED those!

-Moony

---

Which one of those five girls you were with last week is this one? I forget their names but I'm pretty sure there was no "Very Angry"

-Pete

---

Well duh Pete! Keep up; it was Tiffany. Unless there's someone you forgot to tell me about Paddleface.

-J

---

SHUT UP YOU GITS. Uh... well you see the thing about that is...Oh! I have to go to Florida now! Bye, sorry I didn't have time to answer your question.

-Pads

---

That's not Florida. You're hiding under the table.

-Pete

---

What are you doing? There's no escape this one mate, face her or I will tell her the truth.

-Prongs

---

She looks pretty mad. My advice to you Very Angry is to exact your revenge accordingly. He might just learn something.

-Moony

---

Good idea Moony, Tiffany, if it is you, I suggest you spread a nasty rumor like he has some kind of disease, like syphilis or lip fungus, something that will put him out of action for a while.

-James

---

James, mate, what are you doing? I thought we were friends!

-S

---

We are, but you can't just song a girl and then avoid her forever, if you did that, you'd have to avoid half the school.

-Prongs

---

I think the subject of Sirius' personal life, though very entertaining, is a subject best not discussed in Advice Things but rather, very loudly for everyone to hear, in the great hall over breakfast.

-Moony

---

Good idea Moony

-J

---

Don't forget to mention the fungus, that's VERY IMPORTANT.

–Wormy

---

How about we not discuss it at all!

-S

---

Ohhh, I remember Tiffany now, the one Sirius said had chapped lips and clammy hands.

-Pete

---

SHUT UP PETE!

-S

---

Oh, and the one who squealed when he used his tongue.

-J

---

QUIET BOTH OF YOU! NOW!

-S

---

In the interests of the well being of many an innocent person I have destroyed the rest of the "advice" on this question. If you wish to view it you had better know how to reassemble ASH because I have BURNED it for it would leave all who read it scarred for life. I would also like to state for health issues that Sirius Black has severe oral thrush (a fungal disease) and should be avoided at all costs. Thank you for your time.

-Messr. Moony

* * *

**Dear gang,**

**I've heard a duck's quack has no echo. Is this true?**

**Thanking you,**

**-'Satz.**

---

Well, I don't know. Hey! Let's get a duck and put it in a hole and find out! James; get the duck. Remus; the shovel. Pete; start digging. I will sit around sipping butterbeer and listening to the quack echoes, or lack thereof.

-Pads

---

Why do I have to dig? I think I'd be better at drinking the butterbeer.

-Pete

---

No Pete, I have to be the one who drinks and listens because of my wondrous drinking and listening abilities.

-Pads

---

Mostly drinking though.

-M

---

Quiet you.

-S

---

Where am I supposed to get a duck? They don't just grow on trees, you know.

- J

---

Why don't you just use an owl?

-Pete

---

Because the sound waves of a duck and an owl are completely different you blockhead.

-James

---

We could get that girl Sirius saw the other day, he said she had the voice of a duck, that's the same thing as sound waves right?

-Wormy

---

No.

-J

---

Just. Get. A. Duck. Turn a water goblet into one or something. This is an emergency people!

-S

---

It's all to do with the vocal chords.

-P

---

Since when do you know about ducks and such James?

-S

---

I like birds, what's it to you?

-J

---

I think we should just leave this to Prongs seeing as he seems to be on top of things when it comes to quacking birds and sound waves. So, tell us James, do ducks' quacks echo?

-Moony

---

Yes they do. They are still sound waves and it travels the same as all other sound waves and bounces of walls and stuff. Also, my aunt has this farm in Ireland and at night, the ducks quack so loud that it echoes off the metal walls of their shed and can be heard in the near-by muggle town, which is like, further than Hogwarts is to Platform 9 ¾. Yes they echo.

-James "Duck" Potter

---

And therein lies the truth. Thank you for that James.

–M

* * *

**Dear Marauders,  
Hooray! My question wasn't answered! Wait. That's not hooray-worthy at all. Is there a reason Moony is so defensive? Why does it sound like he knows more than he's letting on? Oh, and Prongs? Good luck with Lily. I'm cheering you on!  
-Karma**

---

Thanks Karma, I was wondering who that little cheering voice was when I passed Lily today in the corridor outside Transfiguration. It must have been you saying "Go James!" It was so subtle I thought it was my mind, finally deciding to be nice to me. But I guess it was you. Thanks anyway. With Moony, well, I'm afraid he cannot answer your question right now, I'm afraid he's come down with a nasty contagious flu-like disease and will be in the hospital wing for the rest of the week. You cannot visit him because it is contagious. Maybe he might say something later, but not now.

-Prongs

---

Moony is a strange unfathomable creature and all attempts at fathoming him in any way will leave the fathomer unsatisfied and the fathoming unfathomed. So don't even try, quit while you're ahead.

-Sirius

---

Yeah, um… the thing with werewolves is that, we, well, his second cousins brother-in-law, twice removed, was a werewolf, and it's something his family don't like to talk about. But one way to find your answer is to study the way werewolves dance. This particular relative won the national dancing championship five years in a row, so we can safely assume, yes, werewolves do have more stamina in that area.

-J

---

Remus dances funny.

-W

---

It's real good fun to watch.

-Pads

---

Yeah, but he can outlast us. Lucky bugger.

-J

---

I'm in the hospital wing for two days and I come back to see my so-called "friends" talking to random people about my VERY distant relatives and supposed "funny" dancing. I resent that.

-Moony

---

Well maybe you shouldn't be so defensive all the time.

-Pete

---

I am NOT defensive!

-M

---

Loosen up moony ol' pal! We were just putting an end to all these annoying werewolf questions you hate so much. Cheer up, we're doing you a favor and you do dance really funny.

-J

---

I was under the impression that I didn't dance at ALL.

-M

---

Yeah you do, just not when you're sober.

-Pads

---

And not in public, but we know better.

-J

---

Remember that last time? With the firewhiskey and that song you like so much? You were pretty wasted that night, no wonder you don't remember any of it.

-S

---

Yeah, it was my fault for starting that drinking competition. Who know you couldn't hold your alcohol?

-J

---

You were so funny, especially with the thing. That thing.

-Pete

---

I am ending this right here. And it _will_ end, because if it doesn't I will show you all a whole new meaning to the phrase "silent as the grave."

-M

---

You're being defensive again.

-Pete

---

Whoa! You really are defensive, Petey's right.

-J

---

Why is it suddenly as cold as ice in here?

-S

---

I am ending this. The question was answered AGES ago and weather I am defensive or not is no longer an issue that is in need of immediate discussion. And I am NOT being defensive by the way. So there. It is ended. Not one more word.

-M

---

Good-bye waking world, Moony has killed our lively hood!

-J

---

That's right, farewell cruel world! Remember me as the stunningly good-looking hero I am!

-S

---

Um... he really is about to kill us. Seriously. HELP.

-Pete

* * *

_Tiger-cub684: OK, what did you all think? Got a comment? Got a question? You know what to do, review away! It makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside! lol! R&R_

_The Other Author's note: well... Tiger-cub684's kind of said everything. So I am left with naught but a few sad little sentences that still manage to repeat everything my partner just said. Read, Review, Question and most of all Enjoy!_


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: The fifth installment of the Marauders' Advice Thingy. In which they discuss study methods, the well being of first years and poetry that can actually be used as a weapon. _

**

* * *

**

**To Moony **

**Will you have my babies?**

**-Unknown**

---

Dear Unknown

Are you seriously asking if Moony will be the father of you children? If you are I suggest you look elsewhere. As great as Moony is, you do not want him rasing your children, much less fathering them. If you knew about everything…you wouldn't be asking him this.

- Prongs

---

No. I will not have your babies and vice versa. James you are one annoying person. Just close your mouth and keep it like that.

-Moony

---

You only say that 'cos you know it's true, but I don't blame you I don't want any kids either. Way, way down my list of things to do right now.

- J

---

Where do babies come from?

- P

---

Oh God, read a book Pete, I'm sure Sirius can point you in the direction of many good books in that subject.

- J

---

Oh I can, believe me. I have a stash hidden in Moony's trunk.

-Pads

---

I am going to kill you.

-M

---

Shut up Pads, here is not the place to discuss such things with first years reading; you could scar them for life.

- J

---

Oh, it's too late for that James. They've already gouged their own eyes out.

-M

--

Poor dears, the first years did not deserve to die. You're a murderer Sirius; I hope you're happy.

-J

---

At least I have a pile of books about-- guys, stop looking at me like that... at least BLINK. Okay I'll shut up now.

-Pads

---

Sirius, you are now not allowed to speak, for the sake of the first years.

- J

---

But what about my question?

-Pete

---

You're not aloud to speak either Peter. James and I will just have smashing conversations about classical music and Shakespeare.

-M

---

Oh, my favourite subjects! Mozart and Hamlet go so well together.

- J

---

If you don't tone down the sarcasm, I'm going to have to eat you.

-M

---

He would too.

-S

---

It's not all sarcasm, if you want to know the secret to all my good marks, it's because I listen to the classical stuff when I study. It's good for relaxation… Seriously… Stop looking at me like that.

- J

---

Okay, you two can go drink tea and discuss how amazing Mac Beth is somewhere else. And James, I expected more of you. Don't worry mate, I'm not angry, I'm just VERY DISSAPIONTED.

-Pads

---

Give it a rest; it's better than your study method you dirty perverted man with your dirty perverted books.

- J

---

Heh... good times.

-Pads

---

Okay, back to the question. No, unfortunately unknown, you will have to find someone else who is willing to have your children.

- J

* * *

**My dearest Padster,**

**Will you marry me? (I'll give you my favorite black knickers that you've always nicked!). **

**-Ravenclaw Hottie**

---

No, but he may date you for five minutes.

-M

---

I've seen those, Sirius keeps them under his bed.

- J

---

He keeps a lot of things under his bed.

-P

---

Yeah, but I've seen that black lace G-string before, many times.

- J

---

Hey! Can we quit talking about me? I think the only one with the authority to answer this question is ME. Is anyone else here being proposed to? I didn't think so. To Ravenclaw Hottie: first off, you had better be a girl. I've had a few... incidents. So just to clear a few things up, are you or are you not female? Secondly, Moony's right, no to marriage, yes to snogging, though it may just well last more than five minutes.

-S

---

It figures that your interpretation of "date" is "snogging".

-M

---

Yeah, grow up Sirius, believe it or not, there is more to a girl than her lips. Although they are one of her best attributes.

- J

---

Yeah, her MELLONS.

-S

---

Them too, but I was referring to her personality and her FEELINGS of which you seem to be completely oblivious.

- J

---

Aww! You didn't have to start talking about _personality_ and FEELINGS no less! Someone please just kill me now.

-S

---

With pleasure.

-M

---

Oh! Can I help?

-P

---

I'll help, here's your poetry book.

- J

---

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

- P

---

I think it is in everyone's best interests not to propose marriage to Sirius again, as he is obviously not mature enough for a real relationship.

-Moony

* * *

**Dear Prongs **

**Why are you so gwumpy? I think you need a nap!**

**Fwom Cassy**

---

I am not "gwumpy"! I think you need to check your spelling, as Moony would say. I am only trying to react in the best interests of those I care about and protect my Lily Flower from the evil hordes of hormone-crazed teenage boys that is the male student body of our school. Everything I say here has perfectly good intentions, thank you very much.

- J

---

Whatever you say. Gwumpy bum.

-S

---

Shut up you immature prick.

- J

---

I fink somewon really does need a nap.

-S

---

Yeah, who got up on the wrong side of bed today?

-Pete

---

Quiet rat boy. I am seriously this close to kicking both your arses.

- J

---

A Moony Message To The Ickle Firsties: It's okay children, James is just a little upset because he hasn't had his medication yet, we'll make him all better soon. Not to worry.

-Messr. M

---

Since when is this a Bitch-fest Thingy, whatever happened to advice?

- J

---

You see? This is exactly what I've been trying to tell you all this time. It's called revenge James. And it sure tastes sweet.

-M

---

Quiet or I will start with the demented poetry.

- J

---

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

-This collective NOOOO! Has been sent to you by Messrs. Moony, Wormtail and Padfoot

---

Then lets clear this damned question up and finish it, nicely or I will progress with the poetry.

- J

---

Fine, you win. Dear Cassy, James is being over protective and possessive of Lily and as a result is grumpy all the time. One day the wind will blow and freeze his face like that, in that constipated "You Are So Dead" look. Glad we cleared things up.

-Pads

---

Ok, you asked for it…

-Prongs

---

_There once was a man from Nantucket _

_Who liked to spend his time on a bucket_

---

OH! THE PAIN! THE AGONY! THE SUFFERING!!!

-Pete

---

_One day he fell and the bucket tipped yonder nell_

_And all his "business" spilt all over his face_

---

Okay! We surrender! Just keep your "business" to yourself!

-Pads

---

Please stop! Moony looks like he's about to hurl, your bad poetry is making him sick!

-Pete

---

And it all falls into place, very good. Now, Cassy, I hope you have learned your lesson; don't pick on me or I shall hurt you with my dreadful and non-rhyming poetry.

- J

* * *

_A/N (again): Okay, sorry this took so long, we will try to update more regularly in future. Try. And quite possibly fail. All I can say is: the only thing worse than exams, is exam REVISION._

_Thanks for reading! We would really appreciate any reviews or questions you would care to give. And thanks to all those who have reviewed in previous chapters! You give us the motivation to tap into the Unbidled Silliness section of our brains and write more of this._

_And also, the rating has been raised because Sirius just can't restrain himself from mentionining topics that are unsuitable for the poor innocent first years. Plus some lack of restraint regarding language will probably come up in future chapters. _

_Anyway! Read, review and be merry!_

_-discombobulated.shoe_


	6. Chapter 6

_Hey people, it's me again, Tiger-Cub684. Just here to thank you all for all the reviews. We really value them and we try to answer all of your questions, eventually at least. But if you post a question similar to one that has already been answered, we aren't going to use it. So it pays to read all our previous chapters before you give a question. _

_Thanks anyway, discombobulated.shoe and I really appreciate all the reviews so keep 'em coming! ;)_

_Ta_

_Tiger-Cub684_

**

* * *

**

**Dear Moony,**

**Would you go out with me? It would be wonderful if you did.**

**Love, Cassy**

---

What do you say moony, hmm?

- J

---

Not meaning to sound cold and heartless but, to put it bluntly, no.

-M

---

Why not, you've never been on a date. Give me one good reason why you won't date this girl.

- J

---

Well... I have a very... fragile immune system. It's hard for me to be present a lot of the time. I would not be able to sustain such a commitment.

-R

---

Jeez, it's just a date not a marriage proposal!

-S

---

I'm sure you can survive one date. If she turns out to be a keeper, than you can enjoy a happy and truthful (and by truthful I mean _no_ secrets) relationship. If not, she's history. It's really quite simple.

- J

---

Ha, Remus is afraid of girls

- P

---

I am not! And no it is NOT that simple. The answer is no so just move on.

-R

---

Ooh! Someone's getting _annoyed_!

-S

---

So, you Moony are not willing to grant this poor girl even one date. You are certainly cruel and heartless. Poor, poor Cassy, I suggest you look elsewhere since moony is a cruel heartless arse

- J

---

I am not! Stop twisting my words. My words were never meant to be twisted in such a malicious manner, stop abusing them. Anyway, I am NOT cruel I have perfectly good reasons for my perfectly reasonable and non-heartless decision.

-R

* * *

**Moony,**

**I'm asking you because I know I will get at least a partially serious answer from you. There's this guy I know whom, well...he's a ladies man. He's got half of the female population at his heels and it's pretty disgusting. Then I see him with his three best friends and I see a completely different side of him. He's nice, considerate (well, more so than to his girls) and very loyal, much like a dog is to his master. That got me wondering, what kind of girl will it take for this guy to be as loyal to her as a certain stag is to his lily?**

**-Very Curious**

---

Well, Very Curious,

I am a little disappointed at your lack of recognition of my mastery of knowledge of relationships. The fact that I have failed every attempt to start one with Lily is by no means a reflection of that knowledge. Moony hasn't even talked to a girl, so what makes you think he would be good to ask? I understand your reference so I have decided to not reveal your intentions to the others. THEY can be very unpredictable at times and Sirius is sleeping off three cases of firewhiskey after another howler from home.

- James

---

James, I don't believe you have ever _talked_ to a girl, other than to demand and explanation as to why Lily won't go out with you, so really you have no reason to doubt _my_ advice-giving capabilities when your ineptitude is so blatantly obvious. And as for you, Very Curious, I believe the only way for you to discover who would encourage your friend to take his relationships more seriously is to wait until they come along. Or you could just ask him but I imagine that wouldn't be the easiest way to get a straight answer.

-Messr. M.

---

Or you could plot a way to attract him, make him come to you and then seriously discuss this with him. It is what I would do in your situation, not that I am since I tried the whole attracting thing and Lily wasn't interested. But my other advice is: if you fail, try, try again. If you really have feelings for this person, it's worth your effort. Otherwise he might be a hopeless case then when you know, either way, you can then move on with your life. See Moony, I can give good advice

- J

---

Well, I suppose so. But it's a stretch. Anyway, our little friend Very Curious never actually said that they had feelings for this person. Only that they wanted to know what type of person it would take for him to realise that there is such word as "maturity" and what not. Her (or his I suppose) intentions could be purely on a "concerned friend" level.

-Moony.

---

Stow the touchy feely crap, just get a girl with lots and lost of firewhiskey. hic

-S

---

Well _sorry_ for jumping ahead. In that case, Very Curious, the type of person you describe (who sounds very familiar by the way) seems to like someone similar to him; Attractive, mysterious and someone who hates their pure-blood family (if you are not a pure blood, even better!) Also, she would need to be smart; someone who can dazzle him and intrigue him in ways he has not yet known. If your intentions are as I possibly implied before, then, if you fit there guide lines, you should have no trouble attracting him and making him as "loyal as a stag to his lily" By the way, what is this about a stag? Who ever mentioned a stag to you? Lily is mine!

- J

---

I like girls who have blonde hair! hic

- P

---

Yes! Mate! BLOND HAIR AND FIREWHISKEY ALL 'ROUND!

–S

---

Those two are both hapless and hopeless. A couple of nice, strong sleeping potions should end their misery, and ours.

-M

---

Lily is my dream girl.

- J

---

Make that three strong sleeping potions and a good book. Whenever you use the words "dream" and "girl" in the same sentence it is time to run away. But the word "Lily" is not so alarming as you manage to fit it into all your sentences. Either way, much running, books and potions are needed.

-Moony

---

I think YOU need a sleeping potion with all this obsessing over books and such.

-James

---

And firewhiskey! Ha, that's a funny word. A-N-D.

-Sirius

---

Quiet you, go to sleep or Remus will make you read poetry.

- J

---

No, that would never work (not even whilst Sirius is drunk off his face) the worst I could do is read poetry AT him. Which I will. "By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes"

-Moony

---

HA, Moony is wicked and he is coming. (Wicked like evil that is.)

-Pete

---

You're supposed to torture _him,_ not me! Stop before I destroy your precious poetry by inventing my own rubbish and causing your ears to bleed. Don't think I won't do it, because I will.

- J

---

Okay, I surrender. Just please; don't tarnish the poor innocent parchment with your sickening poems. I will not have our Advice Thingy ruined by your poetry. (By the way, that just there was _Shakespeare_ James! There's a difference between quoting Shakespeare and creating senseless dribble.)

-Moony

---

Ok, truce. I think that is enough of that question. Thank you Very Curious for bringing up controversial topics.

- J

---

Oh no! JAMES! YOU HAVE ATOMS ON YOU!

-Pete

---

Whoa, I never realised your head was so big!

- S

---

IT HAS ATOMS AND THEY ARE MOVING!

– P

---

This is just completely ridiculous. Stop it. Now.

-Moony

* * *

**So, Marauders ... what if I like this ... guy. And I wanted him to ask me out... What's your advice?**

**Loser In Love**

**P.S. Please, make Moony answer this one!**

--

Again with the Moony preference! What is it with you girls! Seriously, I can be mature and serious. Unlike our friend Sirius, or young Peter, I can address a question just as well as Moony. So, I am inviting myself to give advice on this question. Wether you listen to my advice is up to you.

- J

--

James stop being so puerile. L.I.L, I suggest that if you really do like this person you'd prefer to go out with him if he liked you back, so my advice is to make it clear to him how you feel (without being excruciatingly unsubtle, like someone whom I know. Not mentioning any names. JAMES.) So that if he likes you he won't be too nervous to ask. Or you could just ask him. It's your choice.

-M

--

Okay, Loser In Love, let us verify a few things. You are a girl, and this is a boy you are referring to. Good? Good. If not, well, this is what I am assuming anyway, so…deal with it. If you want a guy to ask you out, I suggest you start wearing tight-fitting clothing, especially tops, and do whatever you can to make yourself as beautiful as possible. Then, find out what he likes and use that information as you will.

Once you have attracted his attention, or mine, simply put yourself in a position so it is easy for him, or me, to ask you out. Although, I am happy with all sorts of methods, ranging from shouting it out across the common room, a note hidden in the covers of a text book, then thrown at your head, or flirtatiously whispered in your ear.

Most guys prefer to ask a girl when they are alone, and not travelling in those big packs, as it can be off-putting and awkward, especially if you are with someone I already dated and, ah…forgot…to see again. Once all this has been done, you should have no problem having him, or me, ask you out, to which you say "Yes".

-Padfoot

--

It's true; it works for Sirius every day!

-Pete

--

Sirius does indeed have good ideas…if you want to date Sirius, but I guess 80 of the female population of the school do want to date Sirius, if they haven't already done so. My advice here is to be nice to him and try and become his friend first. It has worked for some; it may work for you. Then, try and find out if he likes you in return. If he does, then your good as gold. Otherwise you can take my approach of constant badgering or you can move on to Sirius, who is always ready to meet hot girls in the broom cupboard for a "date".

-Prongsie The Master Of Love

--

Sirius, not everything revolves around you and, believe it or not, not everyone is so keen to join you in the broom closet for one of your infamous dates. Also I would like to state my surprise that there is a girl in this school who you _haven't_ dated. Well, you learn something new every day. And James, that, I believe, is more like it. Perhaps you should listen to yourself more often and be nice to Lily.

-M

--

Hear hear, thank you for your kind words Moony.

-J

* * *

_A/M: I hope you all liked this chapter; I know I had so much fun writing it. It's hilarious the things we come out with. Very rarely do we edit our responses so all of our work is unedited, pure genius. Thank you for all the reviews and I hope to see you all on the next chapter!_

_--Tiger-cub684_


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: Chapter Seven, in which Prongs gets full marks, Moony says no and Padfoot doesn't pay attention in Muggle Studies._

* * *

**Dear Marauders, **

**I need help. I like to carve chocolate into statues. It is my hobby. But my friends keep stealing the statues and eating them, even statues of themselves. What can I do? My chocolate is running out **

**- One Of The Four Heirs Of Hogwarts**

---

Dear One of the Four Heirs of Hogwarts,

My advice: find better friends. Seriously, who eats statues? If they're stealing your chocolate, they're not worth your time. Either that or give them some chocolate from Zonko's Joke shop. The next time they try to steal your chocolate they'll end up covered in painful boils or a very nasty rash. Trust me; Remus used the same thing on us when we were taking his chocolate.

- Prongs

---

CHOCOLATE!!!

- Pete

---

Good idea there Prongsie. Either that or you could set a trap guarding your chocolate. Or you could hide it in one of the many secret passageways and rooms and tunnels etc. etc. Or get a Bogart to guard it. So many possibilities…

- Pads

---

If you're looking for a place to hide your chocolate try somewhere no one would look. For example your stomach. Eating it yourself, I find, is the best way to keep it from anyone else. Or you could give it to ME to look after.

-M

---

NO DON'T TRUST HIM!

–W

---

Listen to Wormtail! Remus is a chocolate FANATIC. If you give him chocolate YOU WILL NEVER GET IT BACK! Untrustworthy bugger. We should put him in a cage with a big sign in front of it saying "DO NOT FEED THE MOONY."

-Pads

---

Yeah, and give him to Filch to look after, with Mrs. Norris on guard to bite anyone who tries to feed him.

- Prongs

---

Don't get the Zonko's chocolate, what if I decide to steal it? I don't want more boils; I got enough from Remus'

- Pads

---

Remus always gets stuff that gives people boils. He has a sort of obsession with bringing people pain.

-W

---

No kidding.

- Pads

---

People who steal chocolate deserve pain. If you even TRY to put me in a "Don't feed the Moony" cage I will give you SO MANY BOILS.

-M

---

Evil dictator.

- Prongs

---

Brainless twat.

-M

---

Who got the 100 in the Defence Against the Dark Arts test? Me! What did you get? 97 you don't get to judge me with a score of 97

- James

---

And who got the living daylights beaten out of him by Lily Evans that one time for asking her to "snog with you" in the middle of dinner? Not me. I think I can judge all I want.

-M

---

I got 99

- Pads

---

Shut up, just because you're too scared to even talk to girls.

- James

---

I got 65

- Pete

---

I think you have me wrong here dearest Prongs. I have too much COMMON SNESE to YELL at girls ACROSS THE GREAT HALL with the ENTIRE SCHOOL present that I think they should JOIN ME FOR A SONG in the Gryffindor common room after dinner.

-M

---

I GOT 99

-Pads.

---

Moony, seriously, it's not my fault; stupid Sirius gave me too much firewhiskey. It's all his fault. Thanks a lot Padfoot.

-James

---

HEY YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME! I GOT 99

-Pads

---

And yet you're the thickest of us all.

-M

---

I thought I was the thickest. What about me!? --Wait.

- W

---

Pete, do you even know what thick means?

- J

---

I think he just proved his point.

-Pads

---

Huh? I'm confused. I think I will just go to bed. My head hurts

- W

---

Yeah, thinking can do that to people who can't handle it. Night Pete.

- S

---

Poor kid, I think we really hurt his brain. Shame on you Moony for making him think like that. Shame on you

-J

---

That's right. I feel very ashamed. Next question please.

-R

---

Good call Moony, next one.

-J

---

Wait!

-S

---

No!

-M

---

Sirius, shut up. Next question.

-J

* * *

**Dear Moony,**

**Would you go out with me? It would be wonderful if you did.**

**Love, Cassy**

---

What do you say moony, hmm?

- J

---

Not meaning to sound cold and heartless but, to put it bluntly, no.

-M

---

Why not, you've never been on a date. Give me one good reason why you won't date this girl.

- J

---

Well... I have a very... fragile immune system. It's hard for me to be present a lot of the time. I would not be able to sustain such a commitment.

-R

---

Jeez, it's just a date not a marriage proposal!

-S

---

I'm sure you can survive one date. If she turns out to be a keeper, than you can enjoy a happy and truthful (and by truthful I mean _no_ secrets) relationship. If not, she's history. It's really quite simple.

- J

---

Ha, Remus is afraid of girls

- P

---

I am not! And no it is NOT that simple. The answer is no so just move on.

-R

---

Ooh! Someone's getting _annoyed_!

-S

---

So, you Moony are not willing to grant this poor girl even one date. You are certainly cruel and heartless. Poor, poor Cassy, I suggest you look elsewhere since moony is a cruel heartless arse

- J

---

I am not! Stop twisting my words. My words were never meant to be twisted in such a malicious manner, stop abusing them. Anyway, I am NOT cruel I have perfectly good reasons for my perfectly reasonable and non-heartless decision.

-R

* * *

**DEAR MOONY**

**HOW DO YOU FIX THE CAPSLOCK BUTON?**

**LOVE CASSY**

**SERIOUSLY I LOVE YOU!**

**---**

What's a capslock button? Why are you writing in capitals!

- J

---

Call Technical Support. That's what I saw this person do in this Muggle movie I saw once. I'm assuming that Capslock is something to do with Muggles. So Call Technical Support, whatever that is and maybe your problems will be solved.

- S

---

Are we always going to answer questions addressed to Moony, because I'm getting confused.

- P

---

Yes, we are going to answer questions addressed to Moony.

- J

---

Do you not pay attention in Muggle Studies? A capslock button is one of the various keys on a muggle keyboard, which is… I am going cut my explanation short because I know NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION. Anyway, in order to fix the afore mentioned capslock button you could just get a new keyboard. Or, though it surprises me that I am actually AGREEING to something Sirius said, you could call technical support. If you can't find anyone under the category of Technical Support than anyone from the categories People Who Know What Their Doing and Muggle Studies Professors would also be useful.

-Messr. M.

---

No. We do not pay attention in Muggle Studies. But you do, so why worry when you note just about every word that comes out of that professor's mouth? Your notes are VERY USEFUL Moony. What's a "keyboard"?

-Peter

---

I pay attention Moony! Keyboards are those things. All the white and black lines that go on a P I A N O. It's a muggle machine used as an alarm bell for fires, I saw a picture of one once, it was red and shot cream. Muggles are so weird.

-Pads

--

This is hopeless. YOU are hopeless. I won't even bother correcting you as I don't want to waste parchment. You hopeless person.

-M

---

It's not MY fault! If anything it's YOUR fault! Your handwriting is disgusting!

-Pads

---

That's only because the Professor makes us use ballpoint pens, to better understand muggles. Those things hate me; they never work. Might I add YOUR handwriting it the epicentre of illegibility, that combined with your knack for incoherency turns YOUR notes into a load of rubbish that manages to confuse pianos with both fire alarms and fire extinguishers.

-M

---

You guys are too weird. All this talk of muggles is confusing and boring. Let us never speak of it ever again.

-J

* * *

_discombobulated.shoe: Hey all. Sorry this chapter took so long but as soon as **my** exams finished **Tiger's** started so we were busy for a while but it's all good now! Thanks to everyone who has reviewed or asked a question! We really appreciate your input. R&R and my condolences to anyone else who happens to have exams._

_Tiger-Cub684: Hey hey people, it's me, your favorite writing tiger! Just here to say a long awaited HELLO and to invite you to celebrate a few things with me. Firstly, my end-of-year exams are finally finished and my official classes for yr 10 are over. Only one more week of random activities and University tours and I have a whole 10 weeks to procrastinate, work and avoid thinking about school. Yay!_

_Also, in a few weeks I am getting my braces off. Anyone who has had them, does have them or will have them (maybe) will know how exciting this is. After 2 long hard years, I will finally be able to feel the front of my teeth and get working on some whitening in time for the new school year._

_Anyway, now that everyone's exams are finally over, and the school year is coming to a close with weeks and weeks of holidays ahead of us, discombob and I will hopefully get many more chapters done sooner, so you won't have to wait forever for your next witty marauder hit. Stay tuned for the next chapter, coming soon to a computer near you!_

_And by the way, Read and Review! ;D_


	8. Chapter 8

_The eighth chapter, in which Lily pays a visit, James celebrates, Sirius insults, Remus makes a pathetic excuse for a joke and Peter tries to calm everyone down with some deep breathing._**

* * *

**

Dear Lily,

**Do you honestly realize how lucky you are? You're a skilled witch, have perfect grades, you're a freaking prefect, and, on top of that, you have James Potter chasing after you. This is what's upsetting me. You have a relationship with someone genuine being thrown at your feet and yet you stomp on it mercilessly. You have a relationship being thrown at your feet, and yet you don't want it when there are thousands of girls around the world are wondering why the hell they don't have a guy when all of their best friends are off making out with boys in broom closets.**

**Now I know what you're going to say next. You are going to say to me that I don't need a guy to be beautiful, and that I shouldn't follow the crowd. I've heard it, I get it, and I do agree with it. HOWEVER, you have to admit it, the whole, "everyone else has a boyfriend and has been in a relationship and I haven't" eventually cuts into a girl's skin really deep.**

**Don't give me your "I-hate-James-Potter-scum-of-the-earth" rants either. The fact that he's been chasing after you for basically the entire time you two have been attending school (as my cousin said to me this past summer vacation. She's in Gryffindor) well, that should really say something. I think if you give him a chance, he'll be a sweet heart. I've seen pics of him. He's got a cocky yet Bambi-like persona about him.**

**One more thing; James will never, ever date me, so that's out of the question.**

**Why? He's stuck on you**

**I'll admit it, I just looked over this letter and it sounds a bit too angsty for me. But good lord, am I pissed.**

**-Annoyed At Salem Academy **

**--**

Annoyed,

Thank you. Finally there is someone on my side here. You are right; I won't date you. Nothing personal, but I hate people who cheat or get around. It always seems to come back eventually and bite them in the arse. It will get Sirius one day. I would like to hear Lily's opinion, so I have managed to convince her to make a special cameo in this, the marvellous Marauder Advice Thingy and she will personally answer this one.

- J

--

Yes, she will be making an appearance on this our Advice Thingy (She is our guest James, be civil) and answering this here question. Sirius and Peter have been locked in a box, without their wands, in the best interests of everyone in general. So they will not make an appearance in this question. Think of it like this, you get a Lily for a Sirius and Peter. The world is a safer place.

-M

--

HA HA I ESCAPED MOONY!

-S

--

Oh dear.

-M

--

Yay, I'm free!

- P

--

Get back in there you two; I will not have you ruining everything when Lily is here.

- J

--

What's going on here?

- L

--

Nothing Lily. Nothing at all. Feel free to answer the question now.

-M

--

Uhh... what is Sirius doing? I-- Wow, I didn't know that was physically possible.

-L

--

That is nothing. Sirius is going away now. On with the question.

-M

--

Okay, then, let me just say, that was a very gutsy question and I guess you make many valid points but, I don't know, I mean, sure James is smart and I guess you could call him kind of cute, but I am yet to see this whole supposed "sensitive side" stuff you have been talking about. If I ever do see this for myself, maybe I might consider what you are saying. Also, I understand the whole "everyone has a boyfriend but me" thing, just remember, the right guy is out there somewhere and you will find him. Wether or not mine is James depends on the future I hope I have answered your question.

- L

--

Wow.

- P

--

Finally, I know how to win you over.

- J

--

Shut up Potter.

- L

--

AWWW! Three cheers for the redhead! That was so moving I think I may cry.

-S

--

Wow.

- P

--

Sirius! How did you get out of _that one_ I practically bolted the door shut! I _boarded it up_ for heavens sake! Get back in there before I shove you off the astronomy tower!

-M

--

I was being sincere Moony. Wait; is it "sincere" or "sarcastic"?

-S

--

He did sound scarily genuine, even for Sirius.

- J

--

Can I go now?

- L

--

No, not yet.

- J

--

Sincere means genuine, honest, truthful, heartfelt etc. Sarcastic on the other hand means ironic, mocking, sardonic, acerbic, mordant, derisive etc. Which did you mean?

-M

--

The second one. Not the "heartfelt" one in any case, what do you take me for?

-S

--

I get no support from my friends. How depressing.

- J

--

Were you mocking me Sirius Black?

- L

--

You arse Sirius, how dare you mock Lily!

- J

--

Not at all oh Maidenly Maiden of Maidensville. Why ever would I do such I thing? I am shocked at your cruel assumptions! A gentleman like me mocking a fair maiden such as yourself! It is preposterous!

-S

--

Okay, you're overdoing it now Sirius. Now get in the hole.

-Moony

--

James is right; you are an arse.

- L

--

Yay, you agree with me on something!

- J

--

Too right!

- L

--

Hooray.

-P

--

I am an arse. And proud of it. Or at least I don't have a BARGE POLE UP MY ARSE like others I know.

-S

--

Shut up Sirius or I will turn you into a hairy toad.

- J

--

I would have suggested a cockroach, but hairy toad is good too.

- L

--

Okay, though disputes with Sirius may seem to bring a wonderful sense of unity at times, ultimately you regret it in the morning when you find all your socks have been turned into various coloured mice. So I suggest we move on to the next question, which incidentally requires your assistance Lily. Again. So stay a while longer will you?

-Remus

--

Okay then, this is actually fun!

-L

* * *

**Dear Lily,**

**Would you please care to elaborate in specific details as to why you can't stand James? The whole, "James-Potter-is-an-arrogant prick" thing is just getting so old, you know? I've been hearing that from you for way too long. **

**-Mystery Ravenclaw buddy**

P.S. I'm just helping you out Lils. I have a cousin overseas who kept going on and on about how immature this guy was that she knew (who just happened to like her quite a lot) and guess what? She secretly had a crush on him. So please get more original in your insults.

--

Okay, I guess your point is also valid; I will have to find the time to think up more original insults.

- L

--

What? I thought we were getting over the whole "insult James" thing.

- J

--

You thought wrong. You egotistic fungus.

-L

--

That was harsh Lily, even for you.

- J

--

But it was original, and that's the point.

-L

--

It was _so_ original that I didn't even understand it.

- P

--

I am really hurt Lily, how could you, I thought you were nice.

- J

--

I am, it's just-- oh, damn. I guess I need to keep the insults not so hurtful, I just can't be that mean. Sorry James, you sickening ball of slime.

- L

--

Thanks, apology accepted, Dear Lily Flower.

- J

--

Messr. Moony would like to politely request that the two lovebirds recognise that they are not the only living beings on earth and should let someone else have a turn.

Messr. Padfoot would like to agree with Messr. Moony adding that James is actually spelt P-R-I-C-K.

Messr. Wormtail also agrees with Messr. Moony and Messr. Padfoot and would like a turn please Advice Thingy Hogs.

--

You guys really know how to ruin a moment.

- J

--

Whatever you immature pricks and Remus, just get on with it.

- L

--

How come Remus isn't an immature prick?

- P

--

Because he isn't.

- L

--

What about me?

-S

--

_You_ are.

-L

--

Damn!

- S

--

Okay, I think we have finished this question Lily will try to find more original, but less insulting insults and we can all move on.

- J

--

Indeed.

- L

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**How many girls does Sirius Black get through in an average week? There's a bet going on among us Gryffindor sixth years, and I want to win! I say about two a day, but apparently I'm giving him too much credit. Am I?  
- Karma**

--

I go through about 10 to 15, depending on the weather and such.

-S

--

In your dreams Sirius, more like five you lying scum.

-J

--

It's not even that many, yesterday I saw him with two.

-P

--

Two! My God, Sirius, what happened? You sick or something?

-J

--

I think the fact you treat girls like pieces of meat to be chewed and then thrown away, is completely disgusting!

– L

--

I agree with Lily Sirius, except with less vehemence and food analogies.

-M

--

I don't know. I just haven't been feeling up to my usual fun lately.

–S

--

I thought you said it was because of the weather.

-P

--

Well, the weather has been pretty lousy and all.

–S

--

It's _winter_ Padfoot, what do you expect?

-R

--

I don't see why so many people would want to go out with you?

– L

--

Why wouldn't girls want to go out with me? What's not to like?

–S

--

The smell for one, the enormous head for two.

-L

--

Yeah, and besides, isn't snow the ideal romantic setting?

– J

--

Romantic setting? What's wrong with a broom cupboard? Snow's good for throwing at Slytherins and shoving down Remus' and Peter's backs.

-S

--

Don't worry Lily; our first date won't be a broom cupboard.

– J

--

Who says there will ever be a first date!

– L

--

And besides, in what way is a broom cupboard romantic?

– L

--

Want me to show you?

-S

--

Black, you are a rude and perverted pig!

- L

--

What? You wanted to know!

-S

--

One more word from you and you'll never be able to sit on a broomstick again!

– J

--

Yes, Sirius apologise to Lily. And James I suppose since he seems to be more offended than Lily is.

–M

--

Yes, I was rather shocked at that response.

– L

--

Fine. Sorry James. And sorry Evans, now because of James and Moony I will never be able to enlighten you to the romances of broom cupboards. I can understand how upset you are but you know what they say: bros before hoes man.

-S

--

Okay, now I will have to hurt you!

– J

--

You dare to… you've "dated" so many girls! You're the slut!

– L

--

Oh, that was too far!

– P

--

Shit. Prongsie! C'mon you don't want to do that to your own friend? Are you really going to throw that chair at me? Wait, don't answer that.

-S

--

Okay lads, and lady, let's just calm down.

-R

--

Yes. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

-P

--

I don't think that's helping Pete.

-R

--

Well, what's your plan?

– P

--

Watch Sirius get knocked out by that chair?

-R

--

James, put that down or I will go elope with Remus.

-L

--

What! Don't bring _me_ into this!

-R

--

Sorry but I could hardly say Sirius or Peter could I?

-L

--

Fine, but, if he says one more thing to insult you, I will throw him out of the window.

-J

--

I think it was very sweet that you were defending me, James, but some, killing Black might have bad consequences.

-L

--

Yeah, like ten years in Azkaban.

-P

--

Yes! Think of how the female population will mourn me! How could you do that to them James?

-S

--

Sirius, I think it would be safer for you if you just stopped talking.

-R

--

Easy, I could rent Remus and Peter out as substitutes. Pimping is legal here, right?

- J

--

You know, I think that is enough of that. No pimping. No renting. No nothing. End of question.

-Messr. Moony

--

And just when things were becoming interesting, damn.

- L

* * *

_Tiger-cub684: Hey peeps, me again today you have read the grand incluision of Lily, the girl of James' dreams I know I had a lot of fun with it all. But now I ask you all: did you like Lily's input in the advice thingy if so, we may see her a little more often from time to time. Otherwise, she doesn't need to return, as much as I'd like her to. So, now I leave it up to you, my devoted readers. Lily: yea or nea. Also, all questions are appreciated see you next chapter and remember, R and R!_

_discombobulated.shoe: First of all I want to say that I checked the previous chapters after getting a few reports of déjà vu from various reviewers and you are right. We did post the same question twice. Or rather I did, as I am the one who does the posting of questions. So, sorry about that. Moving on, a big capslock THANKYOU to everyone's who's reviewed! And another THANKYOU to everyone who's sent a question! Keep 'em coming! Really, we would give you all chocolate of some sort if it wasn't so, you know, impossible._


	9. Chapter 9

_Chapter Nine, in which there are terrible, puns, off topic discussions and many matches._

* * *

**To anyone smart enough to answer...**

**Do you think there is any hope for an inter-House relationship? I'm in Slytherin, and unfortunately, he's a Gryffindor. Any advice?**

**-Never was and never will be**

---

Well, an inter-house relationship, and Gryffindor and Slytherin no less! This is reminding me a great deal of "Romeo and Juliet", Shakespeare anyone? But I do suppose both Romeo and Juliet died and I don't think that's what you're after. Anyway, on a more helpful note, I'm sure a Slytherin/ Gryffindor relationship is quite possible. I can't see why not, you may have differing opinions on the outcomes of House Quidditch Championships but nothing too serious.

-Messr. Moony

---

Not a chance. Gryffindor and Slytherin? No way, you'll both kill each other. Like in "Romano and Jules" or whatever that thing Moony said was.

-Pete

---

It was "Romeo and Juliet" and it's a _classic _Peter. And they didn't kill each other for your information.

-M

---

I don't know. Never was, your chances are slim. Who are you to try and date a Gryffindor? You Slytherin scum. It really depends who you are. But, no, I say, LEAVE US GRYFFINDOR'S ALONE. Unless you're after Peter. If so, be my guest. That kid really needs to get a girl. Seriously. He's so desperate, I saw him goggling at those mutant rats in Care for Magical Creatures the other day.

- J

---

ARE YOU FLIPPIN CRAZY! STAY AWAY FROM OUR GRYFFINDORS, and tell all your little Slytherin friends the same too. Especially the boys. YOU LEAVE OUR GIRLS ALONE, THEY'RE MINE! Slytherin and a Gryffindor cannot have inter-house relationships. Trust me, I tried once, but my rat bag scum of a cousin made all the girls all cold and like, slimy. The Ravenclaws are alright. Those glasses make them look really hot. But not the ugly ones. YOU know the girls. Now, Hufflepuff. There's a group of good girls. Nice, star struck, except a little too peter-like for me. Sometimes I think Pete belongs in Hufflepuff. Hey, maybe he should hook up with one of the Hufflepuffs!

- S

---

Hey!

- P

---

Yes, what a matchmaker. Pete and a Hufflepuff. Maybe you should consider a career in matchmaking.

- J

---

You can do that? Great idea Jamesie ol' pal!

- S

---

I was being sarcastic Sirius. You as a matchmaker would be terrible. Just drink your firewhiskey and leave the matchmaking to the people themselves.

- J

---

I just realised something, Sirius has dated almost EVERY girl in the school, not just the Gryffindors. Wouldn't that be classed as an inter-house relationship?

–P

---

Good point there Petey. Sirius, you are a hypocrite.

– J

--

Wait, no, that's different!

– S

--

Oh really?

-M

--

Yeah, it's me. I am an exception to all rules of relationships.

- S

--

Like the morals of making out with girls and ignoring them for the rest of their lives?

- J

--

Exactly!

–S

--

That's not cool, Padfoot.

- P

--

I don't ignore them. I just don't talk to them very often.

-S

--

That's what ignoring people is Padfoot.

-M

--

Not necessarily!

-S

--

Yes. Necessarily. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

-M

--

When are you going to take girls seriously, I mean, seriously, it just not right to treat them that way.

- J

--

When I find the right girl I will. Until then, I will continue to do as I have always done.

- S

--

Wow. That was a _really bad_ joke Remus. I didn't think that was possible to, you know, be that bad at jokes.

-P

--

Quiet you.

-R

--

Good one Pete.

- J

--

Hey! Pete, Remus, _stop drawing the attention away from me!_ Anyway, I do take girls Siriusly. Get it! It's a pun!

-S

--

Oh, that was worse than mine.

-M

--

No kidding.

-P

--

Sometimes I question your parents' sanity when they named you.

- J

--

Me too! Except always I question my parents sanity. For everything.

-S

--

Now you mention it, there is not point in questioning it, t don't have sanity I forgive you for what you did earlier, you can stay at my place this summer no-one deserves to stay with them.

- J

--

Yay!

-S

--

Right, I think we've answered this question. In fact, I think we've forgotten the question. "Question?" you say, "There's a question? I thought we were just here to talk about our summer." But no, this is The Marauders' Advice Thingy not The Marauders' Talking About Their Summer Thingy.

-R

* * *

**Dear Wonderful Marauders,**

**I have 2 questions, actually. 1: If you had kids, what would you name them? And 2: What's your version of a perfect girlfriend?**

**Thanks,**

**-Karisma**

---

Well, I can see I don't need to answer your second question since everyone knows what my version of a perfect girl friend is. It's Lily, red-haired glory and all; in case you have been hiding under a rock for the last six years. As for names, well, I'm always been fond of Harry for a boy and Andrea for a girl. Nice names. What a good question. – J

---

As I mentioned before, I like blondes and the names Candy, Crystal and Abby. But any girl is good as long as she is hot.

– S

---

Sirius, those names sound like the names of prostitutes.

– J

---

I know. That's because they are.

– S

---

You want to name your daughters after prostitutes?

– J

---

Oh, good point. In that case, I like Sirius Junior for a boy and Melanie for a girl. But I doubt I will ever have kids. So, that question is kind of pointless.

– S

---

I like anyone who is willing to date me. Also, I like the names Bill for a boy and Sarah for a girl. If you want to date me, just ask me anytime, day or night and I will be there.

– P

---

Well, if I had a daughter I'd call her Agalia or Euphemia. If I had a son I'd call him Conn or Rhys. As for my perfect girlfriend, I would have to say someone who understands and likes reading.

–M

---

That's so Moony-ish Moony, why not someone spontaneous? Or exciting?

– S

---

Because "spontaneous" and "exciting" usually leads to "doom" and "destruction." I know from being friends with the spontaneous and exciting since first year.

-R

---

Good call, but still, you don't want to date someone completely like you? Do you? – S

---

Hmmm, I'm unsure on how to stand on this one.

– J

---

What do you mean "like me"?

-M

---

Then side with me, your best friend since the day we met on the train before first year.

– S

---

He means, too much like yourself, sometimes, well, for example, I couldn't stand someone like me, that's why I like Lily, we're so different, it works and is perfect, or rather, will be, but the point is, sometimes you can't stand people just like you so it's good to have friends who are opposites, but, you know, whatever you think will work is good enough.

– J

---

Well, I hardly think I'd dislike someone because they're literate. What's so wrong with liking books?

-M

---

You know what I mean, don't play dumb with me.

– J

---

Liking books and liking TEXT BOOKS are two different things.

-Pete

---

I do know what you mean. But I don't agree that "understanding and likes reading" is so specific as to be identical to myself in such a way that I can't stand the person. And since when was MY "perfect girlfriend" subject to any of YOUR influence?

–M

---

Okay, my advice can be contradictory, so let me just be clear: it is important to find an equal balance between someone similar and someone different to you. Literate is already expected as a bare minimum.

– J

---

Fine, I retract my last comments. I guess you can ask for someone who is understanding and likes reading, but, in my opinion, as your friend, you also need someone who is at least half as fun and exciting as Sirius and me.

– J

---

And me!

– P

---

And Peter.

– J

---

Books are fun and exciting. I will not have this conversation again. 193 times is enough already.

- M

---

Fine, but it WILL come up again, and when it does, I hope you're ready to admit you are wrong.

– J

---

Yeah, readers are boring.

– S

---

I am never talking to you again Sirius. And I am NOT wrong so I won't have to worry about admitting anything.

-M

---

Okay, well, I'm lost, so, I think it is time to end this. I hope you are happy for causing such trouble with your question.

- P

* * *

**Sirius,**

**Can we go and have an amazing snog session (maybe more) in the broom closet? Or your dorm.**

**Gryffindor Babe xoxox**

---

Sure why not I'm free tomorrow night. Meet you in a broom closet. Not my dorm. All the others will be there and it would just kill the mood.

- Padfoot

---

Well we're sorry to be such an inconvenience to you Sirius.

-M

---

Don't mention it, I can't expect people like you to be cool.

- S

---

Sirius, the only reason we're not "cool" is because we refuse to have a three-way.

- J

---

Exactly.

-S

---

Eewwwwww! Sirius, you are disgusting!

- P

---

I agree with you there Petey. Sirius, forgive me for wanting to be with only one girl at a time, and not want to share her with anyone else.

- J

---

I also agree with Pete; that's fairly disgusting.

-M

---

What? Just because I want to explore new things.

- S

---

I'm pretty sure you meant explore new people. And not in a deep, getting-to-know-you, soul searching way either.

-M

---

You people are all squares.

- S

---

Shut up now Sirius before I smother you. Things like that should not be in the Marauder Advice Thingy. First Years could be reading, think of the First Years.

- J

---

We should probably take more precautions to make sure the First Years aren't continually scarred by Sirius' sick mind. I'll get the matches.

-M

---

You are NOT going to burn this parchment.

-S

---

Oh, I'll hold him down, Pete, get the firewhiskey, the flammable one.

- J

---

I though we were going to torture you?

- J

---

That's right Sirius; we are not going to burn the PARCHMENT.

-M

---

Yes fun all 'round!

- J

---

You are a cruel man Moony. And you've got James and Pete brainwashed too! AHHH, GET AWAY FROM ME! GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!

-S

---

Don't worry Sirius, you'll live, just not be able to write, or speak, or kiss, or anything else that requires movement.

-J

---

We're not really going to hurt him, are we?

- P

---

Not if he can give us a good reason not to.

- J

---

I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! Not to mention good looking!

-S

---

Okay, now he gets hurt.

-J

---

AHHH!

-S

---

Just kidding. What kind of friend would I be if I let you die?

- J

---

Does that mean I have to get rid of the matches and firewhiskey?

- P

---

Yes, it does Moony, put away the rope, we don't need it anymore.

- J

---

Aw...

-M

---

It's okay; we'll find some paper spheres to burn instead.

- J

---

I cannot tell you how relieved I am. But don't put away the firewhiskey. -S

---

DRINKING CONTEST!

-P

---

Oh god.

-M

---

Stop hogging the bottle Sirius; I want some.

- J

---

Okay, I think we've answered that question. Sirius is going on a "date", we are going to get drunk and Moony will burn paper spheres. I will just hold the matches. For safe keeping.

-P

* * *

_Aloha! Well, that was a lot of fun! Don't worry, Sirius won't die, but he may learn a valuable lesson about girls. Well, I wouldn't hold your breath, it could take a while. Thanks to all the people who have reviewed. We really appreciate you. And questions are welcome, as always. Well, I can't think of anything to say, so everyone R&R and see you on the next chapter!_

_-Tiger-Cub684 _

_Hey, Thanks to everyone who's reviewed and/or asked a question! If you want to ask advice of the Marvellous Marauders then just send us your question and we'll see what we can do. Also, Moony would like to apologise on behalf of the Sirius and the other Marauders (but mostly Sirius) to the First Years for scarring them for life. Again. Well, we hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thankyou for coming and please leave a review on your way out!_

_ –discombobulated.shoe_


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N: And hence came forth chapter ten, bringing with it careers advice, a seriously serious Sirius and an astronomy tower with a GREAT view._

* * *

**As everyone knows, You-Know-Who is gaining power. A couple of my friends are, when the leave school, going to join him. They told me that everyone who joins him gets LOTS of money, a new toaster and all the chocolate they can eat. I don't know whether to tell the Headmaster or go with them. Free chocolate vs. good. Your input please.**

**Sincerely,**

**Half-Blood-Prince**

**---**

Dear Half Blood Prince,

ARE YOU FLAMIN MAD!? No matter what this bigheaded ass offers you, you must NEVER join the murdering bastard! If you want to join something join a group to fight him. No offer is worth the lives of your family, friends and everyone around you, because if you join him, you might as well be signing their lives away. DO NOT JOIN THE MURDERING BASTARD!

-Prongs

---

I really think there is no other option than to NOT JOIN him. I think either way you're risking your life and the lives of people you care about so you may as well do it without killing tons of innocent people. Also I think it's best not to encourage this guy, you should tell your friends to stay away from him, If he didn't have a hoard of mindless followers he would be practically harmless. Well almost.

-M

---

Besides, him and his followers are kind of AGAINST the whole "half-blood" thing so I don't think he'd like having a "half-blood price" in his group. Though I heard a rumor that he's a muggle born too. This guy is seriously screwed up.

-S

---

It's all too confusing. Who is more likely to win this war?

-P

---

Petey, I hope you're not considering joining. You're a Marauder. How dare you think such terrible thoughts!

- J

---

I'm not! Really. I solemnly swear.

-P

---

You better, because there will be hell to pay if I discover otherwise.

- S

---

Hey! What do you take me for? I'd never do anything like that.

-P

---

Hmm, I just hope not, for everyone's sake I stand by what I said before, if you join the Dark Lord, everyone you have ever cared about is at risk.

- J

---

Yes, even if you join him you really are still at risk, if not even more so. This "man" has no concept of loyalty, someone so self-important would never be interested in sharing his power with anyone else. I think we've established that under no circumstances is it okay to join him. And Half Blood Prince, I suggest you give your friends the same advice. Apart from it being completely unethical it's not a very good career choice.

-M

---

Yeah, you must have had a really crappy guidance counselor.

-S

---

Yes, I think Professor Andchest is in desperate need of retirement. He suggested that I become a caretaker. As if. All in favor of a new Careers Counselor say AYE!

- J

---

AYE!

- S

---

Aye!

- P

---

I agree. I mean... er... Aye!

–M

---

Good, then it's settled. McGonagall is the new Careers Counselor; She suggested I me as an Auror.

- J

---

Well... she suggested me as a professor...

-M

---

Good for you Moony, using that brain of yours. As long as you promise to give any future kids of mine perfect marks, you as a professor will be acceptable.

– J

---

WHAT! Moony! You'd better not be considering this! A Marauder does not join the enemy! Isn't this what we were just talking about?

-S

---

James Junior needs Moony to pass him Sirius, don't be daft.

- J

---

I agree with Sirius, if you become a professor, how will we get away with all our pranks?

- P

---

Pete, I think by the time Moony is a Professor, we will have graduated.

- J

---

Well, most of us anyway.

- S

---

Anyway, you're getting off topic. Moony can't become a professor because it is against everything we stand for.

-S

---

You're just bitter because McGonagall said you wouldn't have to worry about a career choice because you'd be in prison by then.

-P

---

Oi! Quiet you! That's classified information!

-S

---

Ouch!

- J

---

Don't worry Sirius; I'll break you out with my Auror authority. We'll fight evil together for many years to come.

- J

---

Well aren't you just modern day superheroes. You could wear matching outfits with your underwear on the outside. Maybe you'll save Lily, a dear damsel in distress and be together for the rest of your lives. Oh dear, I hope I haven't given you any ideas.

-M

---

Too late. He's already sketching up the costume plans.

- S

---

Lily would look fantastic in that dress…

- J

---

Oh dear. What have I done?

-M

* * *

**Prongs,**

**You know, you really surprise me. You act all arrogant in classes and on the Quidditch pitch during the day, and then you actually give some very introspective advice (Moony as well). Sadly, I have attempted to do most of the things you have suggested. Yet he continues going out with random bimbos, dumps them one week later, and then comes whining to me about how much he wants a real girl. Despite all of the hints I give him that there is someone real right in front of him, he just doesn't seem to get it. He also doesn't seem to get the fact that he really has no need to copy my Transfiguration essay when he is actually quite gifted in that subject. I have the proof from our last project.**

**Speaking of my essay...he's currently trying to find last night's to copy right now. On top of that, he smells suspiciously like firewhiskey. Great, now I have to go strangle it from him. I really am in no mood for his puppy eyes.**

**-The once curious Ravenclaw (who is now very annoyed with a certain hungover Gryffindor and is seriously considering on getting her seat changed just to make him suffer. Lily is encouraging me to do it.)**

---

Seriously, if you're going after Sirius (because it is now obvious to everyone, except Sirius, that he's the one you're talking about) there is no point. You could say he has rather non-existent morals and he isn't going to stay true to one girl. Give him a couple of years, or offer him something he can't get from all the other girls. It's up to you to find out what that thing is. Also, I am glad that more people are acknowledging my advice giving skills. Everyone who did gets a cookie. Just look under your pillows and it should appear one day.

- J

---

Huh? Did I miss something?

-S

---

Oh, we were just talking about— ouch!

- P

---

Shut it Pete.

- J

---

Alrighty then. Advice. Sirius. Hmm... Advice on dealing with Sirius is throwing him out the Astronomy tower. And it is good Advice indeed.

-M

---

Oooooooh _no_. I'm not falling for _that_ one again Moony, there's no way ANYONE is getting me back up that damned tower.

-S

---

Rachel did last night.

- P

---

Yeah, half of Sirius' "dates" are in the tower, when they're not in the broom closet.

J

---

So? I can tell when someone wants to _throw me out the window_. It's their eyes that give them away. That evil "What a wonderful view Sirius! Look out the window so I can give you a PUSH!" kind of look. I've seen it enough times to be able to recognize it like that! . . . That wasn't as effective without the finger-snapping

-S

---

Hmm, he's right; we'll have to think of more ways to drop Sirius from great heights. Any ideas Moony?

- J

---

His broom? We could jinx it? Or vanish it whilst he's flying!

-M

---

Oh, good one!

- J

---

Why does everyone delight in bringing me pain? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!

-S

---

It's your lack of respect for Lily and all the times you pranked us and made fun of me because of the whole Lily thing. Yes, she is the center of everything.

- J

---

I am shocked James! I never did such a thing! Look at me; does this look like the face of a criminal?

-S

---

Yes.

-P

---

Maybe I should take the balaclava off...

-S

---

It's the eyes; a dead give away. And I know you too well. We didn't spend the last six years together pranking and marauding without me learning a thing or two about you and your "quirks."

- J

---

It's true; he can read you like a book.

- P

---

You know, I really think we should concentrate on the question. Preferably on answering the question. But marveling at the word "curious" will do just fine. It's the first step to actually giving advice.

-M

---

Curious. What a curious word...

-P

---

Firstly, Sirius, stop teasing the girls by asking them for homework notes. We all know perfectly well how smart you are, despite your attempts to hide it, and this girl has approached me so many times about all this and frankly, I can't stand all the complaining. Just stop it, please.

- J

---

Not my fault, I just…

- S

---

What?

- J

---

Find it hard to talk to girls.

- S

---

Huh?

- P

---

You do realise that that has NOTHING to do with cheating in Transfiguration. I hope you're aware of that. Just as I am aware that no one will pay any attention to this. So while no one's listening may I just take a moment to say to the First Years: Cheating in WRONG.

-M

---

That's nice Remus... Well, back to me. It's just... well... No girls take ME seriously so how am I supposed to take anyone else seriously?

-S

---

Cool your jets Moony, it's all related, much like pureblood families.

- J

---

DAMN RIGHT!

- S

---

Sirius, I think our reputation as jokers has severely affected our chances of ever being taken seriously.

- J

---

But wasn't it all worth it?

- P

---

Since I can't get a date with Lily, err, NO. Well, on second thoughts, maybe.

- J

---

Everyone takes Moony seriously.

-S

---

That's because he's a stick.

-P

---

Hey!

-M

---

It's true!

-P

---

Yeah, you book worm. You're so pale, you know, I heard that sunlight is actually good for you.

- J

---

Can we go back to talking about Sirius being taken seriously? I mean, seriously, let's be serious here for just a second. Sirius seriously deserves to be taken seriously sometimes. Don't you Sirius?

-M

---

Huh?

- P

---

Talk about overkill.

- J

---

Stop joking here Moony! This is seriously sirius business! Gosh, if love my name!

- S

---

Among other things.

- P

---

The only thing Sirius doesn't like about himself is his family.

- J

---

And he wonders why girls don't take him seriously.

- P

---

Good one Pete!

- J

---

Hey!

- S

---

Well then, I think we have established that in order for Sirius not to cheat off your Transfiguration homework you must take him seriously. At least I think that's what we've established. You know what, I don't think we've really established anything other than Sirius' name is subject to some GREAT puns.

-M

---

And, we've also established that girls must wait a few years for our friend here to mature a little more, in order to have a serious Sirius relationship. But, at this rate, we all might be old and wrinkly and me and Lils will probably have many grandkids by then. So, it might be best to look elsewhere.

- J

---

But if you want a sirius relationship with me NOW, I'll be waiting in the broom closet. Not the Astronomy Tower. Or any high up places with windows and great views.

-S

**

* * *

**

**Dear Remy,**

**Where were you last night? You know that last night was our anniversary!**

**Love,**

**A very upset Cassy**

---

What? Remus has a girlfriend? Do tell.

- S

---

REMUS! YOU NEVER SAID YOU HAD A GIRLFRIEND!

-Pete

---

Whoa, this is so unexpected and yet juicy at the same time.

- J

---

Oh dear... awkward...

-M

---

You're going to have to say more than that.

-S

---

Don't try and deny it, you'll only embarrass Cassy in front of the whole school!

- J

---

He has too many morals to do that.

- P

---

I'm not denying anything! I just don't feel like discussing this with _you_.

-M

---

Why not?

- J

---

Is she hot?

- S

---

Because... well... I thought it'd be obvious. Well, if it wasn't Sirius has just made it so. It's because of THAT.

-M

---

Is that a yes? Did you DO anything with her?

-S

---

See what I mean!

-M

---

Sirius, lay off for a sec, you're scaring him. Remus, you didn't have to hide it from us, I understand.

- J

---

I heard she's a redhead.

- P

---

IF IT'S LILY YOU ARE SO DEAD!!!!!!!!

-J

---

Just kidding, she's a brunette, I saw her.

- P

---

For crying out loud! James you are such an obsessive over-protective stalker! And Pete, thank you for proving my point even further.

-M

---

What? It's not _my_ fault if you meet her out by the lake and in the Room of Requirement where only rats and mice can find you. I have friends in high places.

- P

---

Is she pretty, Pete?

- S

---

Yes, very.

- P

---

Have I dated her?

- S

---

Sirius!

-M

---

No, I don't think so.

- P

---

How dare you date someone before me, Moony! I thought you were my friend?

- S

---

Sirius you are so immature.

-M

---

Anyway, why'd you stand this poor girl up?

-S

---

It was full moon last night, remember Sirius?

- J

---

Oh, so it was. Good times, good times.

-S

---

Oh sure, for YOU. Well, Cassy, I was er... busy. That night. I forgot to mention it. Sorry?

-M

---

Oho! Moony's in trouble!

-S

---

Yeah, he was helping us study, like he does every full moon. It's sort of a Marauders tradition and just for fun, Sirius brings out the firewhiskey.

- J

---

I thought we – Ouch! Why do people keep doing that?

- P

---

Because you don't know when to keep quiet.

- J

---

Well I don't see how you manage to study with a blood alcohol level that's off the chart but I guess that's just one of Sirius and James' many "talents." Anyway, Cassy, I realise I should have told you earlier, I'm sorry; I just didn't want to break such a strong tradition. I'll make it up to you.

-R

---

That's right! Bros before-- Ow!

-S

---

Don't get into that again Sirius.

-M

---

Wait a sec, I know Cassy! We did that Charms project together. She's very nice, and smart. Just your type Moony. You did well, congrats!

- J

---

Are you sure I haven't dated her?

- S

---

Yes, she isn't your type at all.

- J

---

But Pete said she was hot?

- S

---

She is.

- J

---

Than that IS my type!

- S

---

Just shut up and leave the poor girl and Moony alone. The last thing Moony's fragile love-life need is a drunk, arrogant prick interrupting things.

- J

---

Sirius, I'm warning you now so you don't get yourself severely injured later. Stay away from her; don't make me maul you.

-M

---

You wouldn't.

- S

---

Oh I would.

-M

---

Damn you.

- S

---

When is your next date with her, Moony?

- J

---

That's classified information.

-M

---

I just want to know so I can tie up Sirius and make sure he doesn't get in the way. What did you think?

- J

---

It's still classified. But you'll know when you find Sirius is gagged and tied up in the closet.

-M

---

If it were me and Lily, I would want Sirius tied up, gagged and thrown in the lake to keep him away. I understand your situation.

- J

---

Hey, that's a bit harsh!

- S

---

For you, it's not enough.

- J

---

You're right James. I should try something a little more effective. Sirius! Do you want to come with me to the Astronomy Tower? I hear it's got a GREAT view.

-M

---

There's no was I'm falling for _that_ again.

- S

---

Oh I'm sure you'll be FALLING pretty soon.

-M

---

AHHH, SAVE ME FROM THE WRATH OF MOONY!!

- S

---

You evil, evil man.

-P

---

This is more entertaining than Sirius going free-range in the kitchens and eating all the pudding.

- J

_

* * *

Hello there! Yay! Chapter 10! DOUBLE DIGITS! Well, thankyou very very much for all your reviews and questions. Please send more :). Oh how I love teasing Sirius evil laugh we'd never let him be thrown out the window though so don't worry. We just like pulling his tail :)_

_-discombobulated.shoe_

_Well isn't this turning out to be very successful!! Yay, thanks to everyone who has reviewed. There are too many to mention, but feel free to read all our reviews for yourself if you want to see who has become involved. Yes, Remus finally has a girlfriend. Perhaps this is not the last we will hear of Cassy hint hint. I've noticed that Cassy, in all its varied spelling, has been used several times by different people. Hmm, were to go now. The good news is that I have bullied Shoe into working on the questions quite a lot lately, so you can thank me for the frequent updates. The next one should be up in a few days. Remember to send us your questions and ideas (we're running low at the moment)(also, if you want more of Lily, send us a Lily question, and a Lily chapter will soon follow!) and we'll always welcome a review!_

_Now for more questions! Yay!_

_- Tiger-Cub684_


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N: Chapter eleven, in which there are many bubbles, Peter needs cheering up and they all lie their faces off.

* * *

_

**What do you do if you swallow unpopable bubble mixture?**

**-Wormtail**

**---**

Um, well, you could go to the Hospital wing. That would be advisable.

-J

---

Nothing! It's so funny watching bubbles come out of your mouth every time you speak! Say something again!

-S

---

You are so unsympathetic.

-P

---

And childish. Don't forget childish.

-R

---

So? It's in my nature; I can't help it.

-S

---

You could help it if you wanted to.

- J

---

But I don't. So... yeah, take that. Anyway, Pete, how did you even manage to swallow unpopable bubble mixture?

-S

---

You put it in my pumpkin juice!

- P

---

Oh yeah…

- S

---

Well, you could go to the library and try to find some sort of counter potion. I'm sure Sirius will help, _wont_ you Sirius.

-M

---

Yeah, sure. But you don't need to go to the library; I'll just make one up myself. Shouldn't be that hard anyway. What d'you think Pete?

-S

---

Don't listen to him Pete, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

- J

---

Which turns out to be very far.

- S

---

Uhh... I'd rather spout bubbles. No offence Sirius but, well, _I_ can't throw you very far.

-P

---

Ouch!

- J

---

Actually, I think Peter has a point. Sirius and potions only go hand in hand when explosions are involved. Or something else just as unfortunate. I think Peter has learnt his lesson after having Sirius put bubble mixture in his drink. First Years: the moral of this story is, "don't let Sirius touch anything you intend to put near your mouth."

-M

---

I learnt that lesson in second year. He hexed my licorice to spontaneously combust whenever I tried to eat it!

- J

---

Oh yeah, I remember that. You didn't have any eyebrows for a month, how could I forget?

-S

---

Yes, HOW COULD YOU!

- J

---

I think there's another lesson to be learned here First Years, James is a plonker. I mean, this was in SECOND YEAR and he still isn't over it. The plonker.

-S

---

No, you're a mean prick who likes to cause pain and embarrassment to his friends.

- J

---

That too...

-S

---

We seem to be giving some really good advice with this question. You First Years had better be taking notes on this.

-M

---

Yes, because Sirius is becoming too unbearable to go through all this again.

- J

---

Hey! Can we get back to me? These bubbles taste like... like... something _really bad_.

-Peter Bubble Face

---

Maybe Pomfrey will have some de-bubbler.

- J

---

Yeah, you should go to the hospital wing. But make sure Sirius isn't with you though, he may just slip some more bubble mixture into your de-bubbler. The results of that would be... interesting.

-M

---

You're right Moony, maybe we should try it. You know, as a scientific experiment.

-S

---

Don't worry, I'll tie him up and throw him off the Astronomy tower to keep him away.

- J

---

What is it with people and throwing me off of towers?

-S

---

It's the only way to keep everyone else safe.

- J

---

And it's incredibly good fun.

-M

---

You are an evil, evil man, Moony.

-S

---

Muha—hahaha—hahaha—haha—

- P

---

Those bubbles are... mesmerizing. Wow.

-S

---

Keep your mouth closed Peter! You'll only encourage him! James, get the rope.

-M

---

Okay then. Remus, take Pete to the hospital wing and I'll take care of Sirius.

- J

---

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– S

* * *

**Guys,**

**Okay, well I'm going out with this guy, and well, I hardly get to see him and stuff. Do you think it will last?**

**Wondering Hottie**

---

Well, it all depends on if he's not spending time with you to see someone else. I don't want to make you all suspicious and all, but perhaps you should confront him.

- J

---

Nah, it won't last you might as well dump him before he dumps you.

- S

---

Whatever happened to being positive?

- J

---

Poppy dumped me last week. I miss her.

- P

---

Sirius, just because YOU avoid girls and then dump them doesn't mean everyone else does.

-M

---

Hear hear!

- J

---

Does anyone even care about me and my feelings?

-P

---

No.

-S

---

I hate you.

- P

---

Don't listen to him Pete, of course we do, it's just the topic of Sirius lack of morals is more interesting right now, maybe another time.

- J

---

Of course we care Peter; there just isn't much we can do about it. And we're supposed to be answering someone else's question. Anyway, I'm sure making fun of Sirius will make you feel much better.

-M

---

It makes _me_ feel better.

- J

---

Come on Pete, give it a go. It's fantastically good fun.

-M

---

I resent this.

-S

---

It makes up for all the times you made fun of me because of Lily.

- J

---

I know, Sirius is so pathetic. I once saw him waiting around The Three Broomsticks till closing time and trying to pick up drunken girls.

- P

---

I have girls falling at my feet, why would I go to all that trouble?

-S

---

I still saw you.

- P

---

No you didn't.

-S

---

Yes I did.

-P

---

No you didn't.

-S

---

Yes I did.

-P

---

Sirius, stop trying to deny it, we all know it's true.

- J

---

No you don't.

-S

---

Yes we do.

- J

---

Stop it. This is juvenile. Let us continue to answer the question.

-M

---

I once saw him making up rumors to split up couples and taking the girls.

- J

---

OKAY, that's enough of that. Back to the question. Or I will steal ALL YOUR TIES. Okay? Right, Wondering Hottie: I think you should talk to him about it. James is somewhat right; it really does depend on _why_ you don't see much of each other. If it's because you both have busy lives or because he's avoiding you. It makes a big difference. Either way you should talk to him about it.

-M

---

Good idea Moony, a pity I didn't think of that, wait a minute, I DID.

- J

* * *

**Dear Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs,  
**

**The other night I was wandering around the castle at night (as you do) and in the entrance hall, I saw a dog, a rat and a stag all stand up on their hind legs and turn into humans. Teenage boys in fact. And then they disappeared before my eyes as if someone had thrown an invisibility cloak on them. What do you reckon? Am I going mad? Was I just hallucinating? Or was it real? Please help me.  
**

**From,  
**

**I Wasn't Drunk, Honest.**

---

Pfft, animals turning into humans. If you weren't drunk, like you claim, you must have been high on gillyweed or something. I think people would know if there were animagi here, and only adults could be animagi. You my friend were high on something, that's for sure.

- Prongs

---

I dunno, I've been noticing LOTS of suspiciously empty bottles of firewhiskey around lately.

-S

---

That was you Sirius.

-M

--

Oh yeah…

- S

---

Okay then, so, we agree that this kid was drunk and high and can't possibly have seen animals turn into humans?

- J

---

Well, actually - Ouch! Shutting up.

- P

---

Yes. My suggestion to you I Wasn't Drunk Honest is that you stay away from Padfoot's supply of alcohol (you know, it's not ALL firewhiskey) and Prongs' supply of gillyweed (you can deny it all you want mate, we all know the truth.)

-M

---

What are you talking about Moony? I don't have gillyweed. You must be crazy, you crazy Moony. Crazy.

- J

---

That muggle vodka sure has an amazing kick. I love that stuff!

- S

---

Is it just me, or are my friends all alcoholics, drug addicts and bookworms? What does that make me?

- P

---

Crazy, just like Moony. You crazy lads.

- J

---

ANYWAY, if you did see animals turning into humans than either you were drunk and/or high or they were animagi. And not that I'm doubting your word but it is highly unlikely that they were animagi as there are only so many every century and it is an extremely difficult thing to become. Also, people who are animagi are registered and monitored by the Ministry and as it turns out I have taken the liberty to check the registry. And there are no students at this school who are animagi. In fact the most recent animagus is Professor McGonagall so I doubt any animals have really been turning into teenage boys lately or vice versa.

-M

---

Yeah, if someone so young became an animagus they'd have to be extremely skilled! Especially if they turned into a dog! That would be so hard. I bet if someone were an animagus with a dog form they'd be the most talented and amazing person around.

-The Amazing Sirius

---

My neighbour has a dog and its so dumb, it walks into walls and does nothing much but sleep and eat all day.

- P

---

Reminds me of Sirius.

- J

---

What? Sirius is a wonderful person! So smart and good looking. And he has such a GREAT personality.

- This is Moony and not Sirius.

---

Sirius stop impersonating me.

-M

---

You pompous buffoon. I agree with Peter, dogs are dumb. Stags are so much better.

- J

---

No, rats are way cooler.

- P

---

No way. Those self-important, overgrown, horny deers? Dogs are man's best friends. How can you match that!

-S

---

Dogs hump anything that moves and drool all over the floor. Stags are graceful and intelligent. Those mangy mutts just can't compare.

- J

---

Rats can chew through steel!

-P

---

No they can't, rats smell and poop everywhere. I know, Regulus used to have one until it met an untimely end.

- S

---

RAT KILLLER!!!!!!!!

- P

---

Alright! That's enough of that. Sirius sit! Staaaaay... good boy! And James please restrain Peter. I think we're capable of enough matur-- on second thoughts...

-Moony

---

Speak for yourself.

- J

---

Says the boy who asked Lily to meet him in the Astronomy Tower for a "date."

- S

---

I thought we agreed never to mention that again, since it was your firewhiskey that made me do it.

- J

---

Oh, I'm sorry, I must have forgotten since dogs are STUPID remember.

- S

---

I thought we were talking about how the only Animagus is McGonagall, and that there is NO-ONE ELSE!

- P

---

Thank you Pete. Everybody listen to Pete now and stop marvelling at the sound of your own voices. Or look of your own writing rather.

-M

---

But mine's so curvy and pretty!

- S

---

Well... that's _one_ way of putting it...

-Moony

---

Right, just like how baboons look good in tutus.

- J

---

I can't read mine.

- P

---

That makes two of us, mate.

- J

---

Okay! Now, before James feels the need to comment on his own writing I think it is time to move on from this REVEALING and EYE OPENING question. I hope my fellow marauders take the HINT and decided that IT WOULD BE BETTER TO SHUT UP.

-M

---

Yeah, stags are fantastic, dogs are okay, I guess, rats are useful, and cats are ever so judgmental. There are defiantly no animagus people here, except McGonagall, but it's a skill I am sure many of us would like to achieve in the future, many years from now, well after graduation. That is all.

- J

---

Yes, and dogs are all so great, I think everyone should get one and treat it nicely and give it all the pudding it wants.

- S

* * *

_A/N: Once again sorry for the delay in updating. Christmas and New Year have been relatively busy and I have relatively lazy and horrible at paying attention to fics I should be updating. Really, without Tiger-cub684 you would have had to wait FIVE YEARS. Or more. Anyway, thankyou all so much for reading, reviewing and sending us questions! If it weren't for you we'd have deteriorated into hopeless, moping wrecks. Well, sorta. But that really wasn't that much of an exaggeration. Really. Please keep sending us your reviews and questions, we really appreciate them!_

_-discombobulated.shoe_

_I loved that animagus question. So controversial and it was nice to not have to discuss Sirius' love life again, since it has been done oh so many times, but if you have to give us a Sirius question, as long as it is original, we'll happily discuss it. He is my favourite after all ;D. _

_Relationships can happen anywhere; this is set in Magic School for god's sake! Whatever happened to a little imagination? We're in a Magic School, so really, anything goes. I invite you all to broaden you're thinking and try to come up with something so original, interesting or even controversial. The sky is the limit, as the saying goes, so get those thinking juices flowing and maybe you'll be able to give us a question that we'll remember long after this fic is finished. Good luck and I eagerly await your questions. _

_- Tiger-Cub684_


	12. Chapter 12

_A/N: Chapter Twelve, The Return of Lily Evans, man bits are compared, bets are made and Sirius gets into a lot of trouble.

* * *

_

**Lily,**

**  
Hey. I heard about your appearance on the Marauder's advice thingy. You really made me laugh, and boy do I need it. I've been in the hospital wings for the past two days because a certain manslut from Gryffindor just HAD to dump on some cologne crap to enhance his sex appeal. Seeing as he sits next to me in half of my classes, I obviously didn't make it very far. I gagged and fainted as soon as he sat down next to me. The git actually thought that I was swooning and didn't even help. I think you came in late to Transfiguration that day. **

So, I now have to ask you to do a very large favour for me, and I think it will greatly benefit all of the sensible, intelligent females in this school (aka, you and me). I need you to demonstrate the many uses of the shrinking charm. You can preform it on any place deemed necessary (although I can think of two right off the top of my head). Oh, by the way, we shouldn't call him a slut, it's coarse and cruel. Call him a libertine. It sounds much more intelligent and means the exact same thing.

Of course I would be more than happy to do the job, but Madame Pomfrey won't let me out of here for another day...or two. I'm literally covered in rashes. Not many of the potions are working.

-Cassandra

---

Yay! Lily's back!

- J

---

Okay, James, take five steps that way and keep walking.

- L

---

Yay! You called me James!

-J

---

A mistake I won't make again Potter.

- L

---

Oh.

- J

---

What about the question, no one's shrinking my man bits!

- S

---

Well, you did cause the girl to faint.

- P

---

Yes, Sirius,_ I_ nearly fainted. And I'm used to all the strange smells that seem to follow you around. Easy on the cologne.

-M

---

Hey! Girls faint because of my manly charms! Not my smell.

-S

---

At least that's what YOU think.

-P

---

It was a Christmas gift, from James.

- S

---

Did you put it on this morning?

- L

---

No. Why?

- S

---

Because you still stink!

- L

---

Ouch!

- P

---

Potter, why did you buy him that?

- L

---

It was to mask the smell of wet dog; it was getting unbearable.

- J

---

Are you still going to shrink his man bits?

- P

---

Yes, unless he can give me a good reason not to.

- L

---

Even if you shrink them they'll still be bigger than James'.

-S

---

Shut up, I'm not the one who used the whole bottle and then knocked out innocent girls.

- J

---

Okay. That's that then. Let the shrinking begin.

-L

---

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! James, keep your woman back!

- S

---

I'm not _his woman_, Black!

- L

---

Not yet anyway.

- J

---

Don't worry; I took away her wand.

- P

---

Thanks Pete.

- S

---

Oh well, I tried. Are they really bigger Sirius? Not that I would care or anything, my friend Jess wanted to know.

- L

---

Oh really? Tell me about this Jess? Is she hot?

-S

---

Sirius stop hitting on girls who aren't even here.

-R

---

Yes, and she's blonde and she's liked you since Second Year.

- L

---

How would you compare the man bits Lily, you haven't even seen James'? For all you know, they could be tiny.

- P

---

Can we stop talking about my man bits?

- J

---

Oh, I would know…

- L

---

Oh my God! Evans has been perving!

- S

---

I have NOT Black! I accidentally walked in to him in the prefects' bathroom!

- L

---

Sure, _accidentally_. WINK.

-S

---

Why was James using the prefects' bathroom? He's not a prefect.

- P

---

Oh, I was just there, taking a bath, not expecting gorgeous redheads to burst in and interrupt.

- J

---

But you're not a prefect?

- P

---

So? Remus is. I took the liberty to use it since he wasn't.

- J

---

James! I should give you detention for that.

-M

---

Oh, sod off Moony.

- J

---

It was a very shocking day and one I am hoping to forget very quickly.

- L

---

Were they that small?

-S

---

Shut it Sirius!

- J

---

No comment.

- L

---

Oh. They WERE that small.

-S

---

Doesn't "no comment" mean no comment?

- P

---

I didn't mean it like that.

-L

---

Ha! She's blushing!

- P

---

Yes! I knew she liked me!

- J

---

Opening and closing your mouth like that is very unbecoming.

- S

---

She looks like a fish.

- P

---

Really Lily? Have you sunk that low? Are you sure you're not falling for the handsome best friend?

-S

---

Black, go eat slime you immature arse!

- L

---

Alright, I think that's quite enough of that. Let us get back to the question before an all out war ensues. And Lily, I didn't realise it was possible for someone's face to go that red? It's really quite an achievement.

-M

---

Shut up Lupin, before I hex you're books!

- L

---

See! See! REMUS IS EVIL TOO!

-S

---

She likes me! She likes me!

- J

---

You are all such immature jerks!

- L

---

We all know that the insults are just hiding your true feelings.

- J

---

You know what they say about people who fight...

-M

---

Gahhh!!

- L

---

She's so embarrassed and mad and in love that she's speechless.

- P

---

Oh, where did she go?

- J

---

Oh bugger. Go fetch her Moony; we need her for the next question.

-S

---

COME BACK LILY FLOWER!!!!

- J

* * *

**Lily or Remus,**

**Okay, so I was dating this guy and we kind of, well went our separate ways, but the thing is I still like him and as far as I can tell, he still likes me. He keeps looking at me and smiling and such, and well I don't really know what to do. Agreed it was a hard relationship, him being a Slytherin and all and me being, well a half-blood and in Gryffindor, but we made it work and it was great. I would say who it is, but a certain Marauder would throw a fit (namely Sirius) And the reason I think we broke up, is well, because of his parents being who they are.**

**-Firey Phoenix**

---

This reminds me of the question we had before about inter-house relationships. What was our agreement? Oh I remember now, THEY DON'T WORK!

- S

---

I thought Moony decided that they could?

- P

---

Quiet you.

- S

---

Okay, you got me back here, this better be good James. Stop drooling, have some self-control. Geeze, this is exactly why I won't date you. Looks or no.

- L

---

Fine.

-J

---

I'm deciding now that Sirius doesn't have the authority to say weather other people who have nothing to do with him go out or not.

-M

---

I second that motion.

- J

---

You would, you cowardly deer.

- S

---

But the guy she's talking about is Regulus? Oh. Whoops. I shouldn't have said that.

-Pete

---

WHAT!!!

- S

---

How do you even know that?

-M

---

I know someone who can fit in the walls.

-P

---

Oh dear, are you okay Black?

- L

---

DO I LOOK OKAY?!?!!!??!?

- S

---

It would help if you weren't shouting.

- J

---

Not really, I bet a five sickles that vein's going to pop.

-M

---

You're on.

- P

---

Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!

-M

---

MOONY I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE TIME FOR YOUR BLOODY GAMBLING!!! HOW CAN ANYONE LIKE MY FILTHY, BASTARD LITTLE BROTHER THAT DIRTY RAT IS A GOOD-FOR-NOTNG ARSE AND HE AND THE REST OF HIS SLYTHERIN BUDDIES NEED TO BURN IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- S

---

Hey, I resent that remark about the rat.

- P

---

Aww... It nearly popped them. Put some effort into it Sirius!

-R

---

Okay, listen to me Sirius, calm down. Here, have some vodka; it always makes you feel better.

- J

---

Yes, calm down, I'm not loosing five sickles.

- P

---

I AM CALM!

-S

---

Oh, I bet he's going out with Andrea. She mentioned something about seeing a Black I thought she meant you. Guess I was wrong.

- L

---

I KNOW ANDREA, I DATED HER LAST YEAR! HOW DARE HE!!!!

- S

---

Please Sirius, stop abusing these poor capitals. And the exclamation points, oh how I mourn thee.

-M

---

Really, I'd be on you're side when it comes to your family, but if they're in love, you can't do anything.

- J

---

TRAITOR, I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND!!!

- S

---

Sorry mate, them's the rules when it comes to love.

- J

---

Aww, that's sweet.

–L

---

LOVE! HOW CAN _HE_ LOVE! HE DOESN'T HAVE A HEART!!!

-S

--

Everyone has a heart, Sirius, don't be daft.

- L

---

Really? You think I'm sweet?

- J

---

She's blushing again.

- P

---

CAN WE DIRECT THE FOCUS ON THE REAL ISSUE HERE; MY BASTARD BROTHER!

- S

---

Sirius, I am going to have to put and end to this, you've snapped five quills, ruined countless pieces of parchment and spilt ink all over everything. And that damn vein hasn't even popped! So calm down and let's concentrate on giving advice.

-M

---

I think it would be best to tie his hands and gag him so we can give the advice without his interruptions and ramblings, as much of a scum Regulus is.

- J

---

hmfmmhmmmmmfhhtmmmm…

- S

---

What did I say about tying his hands?

- J

---

That's better. But why'd he even bother writing that?

-P

---

It's Sirius, who knows why he ever does anything?

- J

---

That was strange.

- L

---

Indeed.

- J

---

Hmm... I can see your point. His parents wouldn't really appreciate that he's going out with a muggle born Gryffindor. But I guess that could also be a good thing as it probably means he broke up because of his parents and he really does still care for you.

-M

---

I think that's it's really romantic that he's trying to protect you. Maybe you two could still see each other secretly, without anyone knowing. Don't worry about Sirius telling, I'll cut out his vocal chords if he tries to say anything.

- L

---

You can't watch me all day.

- S

---

Then I'll take over the watching-and-cutting-of-vocal-chords duty for her when she's not there.

- J

---

Traitor.

- S

---

What happened to the ties around his hands?

-M

---

Pete, I told you not to look at his puppy eyes. Tie him back up now.

- J

---

It's not my fault. He's gotten so good at that.

- P

---

No wonder he always has girls falling for him.

- L

---

Hey Sirius, you know that vein on your temple? Yeah, that one. Do you think you could pop it? Just for me? (I DON'T HAVE FIVE SICKLES.) Pretty please?

-M

---

NO!

- S

---

Damn.

-M

---

It's growing bigger.

- P

---

Yay! I'll just taunt him some more than will I. Hey Sirius! You're ugly! The girl you're dating told me you were a horrible kisser! You look about ten times your age!

-M

---

Real mature Remus. Whoa, it's so big, it's like hypnotizing…

- L

---

Back to the question, I agree with Lily, you could try a secret relationship. Just remember what kind of family he's from. I don't really like Regulus, but that's only because he's been a selfish prick every time I've met him, but the whole Black family is pretty dodgy. Take Bellatrix and Narcissa for example. Scum bags.

- J

---

They're just jealous because I'm smarter than them at all our subjects, AND I'm a muggle born. Cows.

- L

---

Yeah, well now we're just stating the obvious. My advice is to just forget about him. The stinking prat. I'm sure you think Slytherins are just misguided but let me tell you, THEY ARE ALL SLIMY BASTARDS! REMUS STOP STARING AT THAT VEIN!!!!

-S

---

C'mon! I'm _so_ close to getting five sickles!

-M

---

Just like I'm so close to crushing your big nose like I did Snape's back in first year!

- S

---

Yeah, that was fun.

- J

---

It's not _that_ big…

-M

---

Oh yes it is.

- P

---

I think it's really cute the way James is trying to help Andrea, even though she's dating Sirius' brother. Maybe there's a side to Regulus that we don't know.

- L

---

Yeah, his even _eviler_ side.

- S

---

Somehow, I don't think "eviler" is a word.

- J

---

I meant his nice and sensitive side. Like how I never knew James' sweet and romantic side. I'm beginning to question my view of everyone I know

- L

---

Moony, having Lily join us in the Marauder Advice Thingy is the best idea you ever had.

- J

---

All my ideas are good. I don't see why you ever doubt me.

-M

---

She's blushing. Again. And Sirius looks like he's about to strangle someone. What fun.

- P

---

Yeah, I'm going to strangle Regulus!

- S

---

COME _ON_ SIRIUS! If you're going to get in a "mood" at _least_ have the decency to earn me five sickles while you're at it! POP DAMN YOU! POP!

-M

---

Okay, Sirius quiet now and let the smarter and less rage-inclined recap our answers and finish helping Andrea date your brother.

- J

---

SHE CANNOT DATE HIM!!!

- S

---

POP! POP! POP! POP!

-M

---

I think the smarter less rage inclined Marauder is a little preoccupied now.

-P

---

I meant me you dumb ass.

- J

---

Oh... you?

-P

---

Yes, now quiet everyone, I will take over since Remus is too preoccupied watching Sirius burst a vein, Sirius is cursing his brother, Peter is being annoying and Lily is keeping Sirius' quill hostage.

Here's the final answer: The best idea here is to have a secret relationship. By all means, you must keep away form Sirius, who might send Regulus to an early grave, and the rest of the Blacks, especially the ones here at Hogwarts. If it is true that Regulus does have these different sides as Lily mentions, then you have my full support. Please excuse me while I knock Sirius out with this book so he doesn't track you down.

- J

* * *

**Dear Lily,**

**Will you go out with me?**

**- Padfoot**

---

I'M GOING TO KILL YOU PADFOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- J

---

Uhh... It must have been one of the other Padfoots.

-Padfoot.

---

THERE ARE NO OTHER PADFOOTS!

- J

---

Hey, what do you know, for once, its not Potter asking me out. What a nice change.

- L

---

I'd keep it down Lily; you'll only encourage him. Them.

-M

---

Oh, but it's so funny to see Potter try and kill Black.

- L

---

Oh dear, he's got a chair.

- P

---

I'LL SMASH YOU INTO SO MANY PIECES!

- J

---

HELP!

- S

---

You know James, you'll also smash the chair into so many pieces, and it's a very nice chair. So just put it down and take a few deep breaths.

-M

---

AHHHGGGG!

- J

---

Great, now he's not even making sense.

-P

---

Inhale... Exhale... Inhale... Exhale...

-M

---

Not helping.

- P

---

DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!

- J

---

Moony, I don't think that's helping-- Argh! James! You wouldn't do that to your best friend would you? AAARGH! I guess you would. I'M TO HOT TO DIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!

-S

---

I don't know about that...

- L

---

Oh yeah, so what's the answer Lily? I almost forgot what all this killing business was about. Hey! NOT THE HAIR! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

-S

---

DIE! DIE! DIE!

- J

---

Well I'm hardly going to say yes if you've just about forgotten you asked me out in the first place. Besides James would have a heart attack, I wouldn't do that to him.

-L

---

Not to mention he'd become a serial killer. Or just a Sirius killer. Either way, a killer of some sort.

-M

---

You'd really put my feelings before a date with Sirius? No one's ever done that before.

– J

---

At least he's stopped yelling like a mad man.

- P

---

THANK YOU EV-- LILY.

-S

---

Don't for one second think I am doing this for you Black. I just don't want Potter to go to Azkaban because of me. I could never live with it.

- L

---

Yay! She cares!

- J

---

Well, that brings the total amount of people who don't want you in Azkaban up to two: you and Lily. You should start a fan club or support group of some sort.

-S

---

Shut up Black.

- L

---

You're his best friend Sirius? Shouldn't you be _obligated_ to not want him in Azkaban?

-M

---

NO. HE JUST TRIED TO KILL ME.

-S

---

But you asked out the girl he's been crazy about since first year. It was justified.

- P

---

No it wasn't. He singed my hair. MY HAIR.

-S

---

I'm on Potter's side here. To think that I would be like all the bimbos in the school and actually _want_ to go out with you is very rude and I find it offensive.

- L

---

I'm sure "all the bimbos in the school" are offended by that Lily, as I'm pretty sure most of the girls in the school seem to want to go out with Sirius. Not that it's any compliment to him whatsoever. Besides, his hair is singed, who'd want to go out with him now?

-M

---

NOO! James! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!

-S

---

At least I saved them a lot of wasted time, now they can concentrate on more important things.

- J

---

LIKE WHAT?

-S

---

Ummm, watching me play Quidditch? Or their studies. I'm sure Moony would agree with me there.

- J

---

Yes. Studies. Very Important. I hope everyone reading this got that; VERY IMPORTANT.

-M

---

Yeah yeah, whatever moon face, go read a book or something.

- P

---

Shut up Pete. You've become very opinionated lately.

- J

---

Just so everyone knows, Moony is FROWNING with SEVERE DISSAPROVAL at the moment. I just thought I should say that, because it's a really funny face and our readers shouldn't miss out on Moony's funny face. No one should.

-S

---

I think that is quite enough of that.

-M

---

Ha! He's doing it again!

-S

---

Maybe someone should draw it. Does anyone here know how to draw?

- L

---

I do!

- P

---

No you don't.

- J

---

Oh yeah, remember last year's Quidditch final? The griffin he tried to draw ended up looking more like a decapitated cat.

- S

---

No. No drawing. Bad people. I think we should end it right there. END. There, it is ended. And there will be no drawing. Whatsoever.

-Moony

---

Oh well, at least the image is burned into my memory for all time.

- L

---

Anyway, now that you're here Lily... Want to go out with me?

- J

---

No!

- L

---

Damn.

– J

* * *

_A/N: due to popular demand Lily is back:) I hope you all enjoyed this chapter; we sure had fun writing it! Thanks to everyone who's read, reviewed, questioned etc. etc. Please continue to do so; it makes us ever so jubilant._

_- discombobulated.shoe_

_Yay! I love having Lily here! She's so much fun! In regards to one of our reviews, to be honest, neither Discombobulated.shoe or I have ever thought about the last chapter. Because of all you wonderful readers, the many reviews and out hit counter that is going astronomical, we have never contemplated the end. I suppose it will end when we run out of questions. As for Lily finally going out with James, well, we'll see. It may, (the keyword here being may) come a little sooner than the end. _

_I noticed that I tend to ramble on a bit here, so now I will end this chapters A/n…in a sec. Remember to keep sending us your questions and comments, we do love them ever so, and I hope to see you all next chapter. _

_- Tiger-Cub684_


	13. Chapter 13

_A/N: Chapter the Thirteenth, in which Sirius comes up with many an ingenious plan and Moony confesses a deep dark secret.

* * *

_

**Dear Marauders,**

**I can't find a date for the school dance. It's not because I'm ugly or anything, but I recently transferred from Salem Academy in America and I don't know anyone. Can you help me find a date?**

**- New Girl**

---

Are you pretty? Because I'll go with you!

- P

---

I'd love to help you. But I'm planning on taking Lily, if I can get her to agree. Maybe Sirius will go with you.

- J

---

Well it all depends. But if you can meet my requirements, I'd be glad to go with you. I'd just have to dump that Ravenclaw girl, but it can all be arranged.

-S

---

You know, that is fairly sickening Sirius. I thought we'd been over this treating girls like disposable toys thing.

-M

---

Clearly you thought wrong Moony.

- S

---

Oh dear.

-J

---

Well, I think I should advise against going to the dance with Sirius, it'd probably be healthy for him if a girl _didn't_ want to go out with him for once.

-M

---

I agree. What about Fenwick? I hear he's free.

- J

---

Fenwick? You're choosing _Fenwick_ over me? What is this world coming to!?

-S

---

What about me? Who am I going to go with?

- P

---

Sorry Pete, Fenwick is even more desperate than you.

- J

---

Damn right! James, are you going to suggest all the desperate guys for this poor girl? You call that good advice?

-S

---

It's better than an immature arse who is more than likely to break her heart the next day. Face it Sirius, you can't have a mature relationship.

- J

---

Really Sirius, you're being incredibly immature. Besides, you have a date already.

-M

---

Yes, I believe that Jessica would much appreciate you not dumping her for some random girl who has no date.

- J

---

Nah, she'd understand. Besides, she can always go with Pete or Moony or whoever.

-S

---

Moony's going with his girlfriend remember? And I have till next week to convince Lily to go with me. Pete may need some help though.

-J

---

Exactly! I'll go with the new bird and Pete can go with Jessica. How does that sound Pete?

-S

---

Great!

-P

---

Maybe you should ask Jessica what she wants first?

- J

---

Why? It'll be a surprise!

-S

---

For some reason I don't think she'll appreciate that.

-M

---

So, what shall we do?

- P

---

I thought we just agreed that I, Sirius Black, will go with this new girl and you, Peter Pettigrew, will go with my as of now ex-girlfriend, Jessica. Really, it's that simple. And Jess'll be pleasantly surprised; I don't see what you're so worried about Remus.

-S

---

No offence Pete, but Sirius, I somehow doubt Jess will want to go out with Pete.

-J

---

Well what do you suggest then!?

-S

---

I suggest New Girl ask out Benjy Fenwick. Unless she's looking for a one-date fling and wouldn't mind putting up with Sirius'...quirks.

- J

---

Hey! Why doesn't she be your back up date! You know, for when Lily rejects you. That way I don't dump Jess like Moony wants. You get to ask Lily like you want. The new girl gets a date like she wants and not with someone desperate (well, _as_ desperate) as Fenwick like I want. So it all works out! Except for Pete I guess but if Lily isn't going with anyone else she'll probably ask him out of pity (no offence Pete) so Pete gets a date like he wants and Lily gets to help one more poor soul in the world like she wants! I am now officially a genius!

-Sirius the Genius

---

No, you are a complete idiot. Lily is mine!

- J

---

Sirius, you are not allowed to plan anymore. No more planning. It will only lead to doom, destruction and quite possibly the end of the world.

-M

---

Or, more likely, your death.

- J

---

Yes, James will kill you. Remember the time you asked Lily out? I do, it was hilarious.

- P

---

No it wasn't. It was cruel. James is cruel. Besides, this has nothing to do with that. It's a good plan. Really, you people.

-S

---

How is Lily dating Peter a good plan? You should be helping ME get a date with her.

- J

---

No I think you've got it covered. I mean, it's only a matter of time before she dates _you_ out of sheer pity.

-S

---

I actually think Sirius has a point. A good point. Good point Sirius.

-M

---

Thank you Moony.

-S

---

Shut up, all of you.

- J

---

I don't think I want to go out with Lily. She's scary and James will kill me.

- P

---

Thank you Pete.

- J

---

Well, I think we've answered this question somewhere amongst all the inane rambling. So to sum it all up, your options include Benjy Fenwick or Pete.

-M

---

Or James if he isn't too heart broken and mopey when Lily says no again.

-S

---

Shut up, I too have a plan, and mine is fool proof. I'll have Lily at the dance, just you wait and see.

-J

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**People think I'm dumb just because I'm blonde. But I'm not. I get some of the highest marks in all my classes and no one can beat me at Care for Magical Creatures. But still, people won't take me seriously. What can I do?**

**- Desperate Blonde (not the kind you're thinking of, Sirius)**

---

I can't believe she's judging me before I even say anything!

- S

---

I can.

-P

---

That's because she knows what you're like.

- J

---

Still… How would she know what I was thinking?

-S

---

Ah ha! So you _were_ thinking that.

- J

---

Shut up.

- S

---

People are silly and prejudiced. Don't worry about them. They don't deserve to be worried over. Besides, I'm sure anyone who really knows you doesn't think you're a dumb blonde. And if people who don't know you just assume you are then... well... Gosh, I thought I was on a roll there.

-M

---

To be fair, Sirius was thinking that, so her assumptions were justified.

- J

---

The stupider people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill them.

-P

---

Uh huh, right Pete.

- J

---

Someone's had a little too much of my vodka today.

- S

---

I only had half a bottle...

-P

---

Ha! There you have it.

-S

---

_You_ had three.

-P

---

Yet I'm sharper than you all!

- S

---

I think we should tone down on the alcohol here.

- J

---

Shut up druggie.

- S

---

No you shut up.

- J

---

No you.

-S

---

No you.

- J

---

No-

- S

---

Really, we're supposed to be helping this girl prove to her peers that she is not they stereotyped dumb blond, not acting like six year olds.

-M

---

Good point Moony; let's get back to the question.

- J

---

No you-

- S

---

SHUT UP!

- J

---

Shutting up.

- S

---

Good. I'm glad we got that over with. Now, any suggestions for Desperate Blonde (Think pure thoughts Sirius.)

-M

---

My thoughts are always pure! Anyway, here's my advice: prank them. Come up with something _so_ brilliant that they're too busy marvelling at its brilliantness to notice all their hair is falling out!

-S

---

Good idea!

- P

---

Of course it's a good idea. _I_ thought of it didn't I?

-S

---

You could go with that. Or you could ignore them and find people who will appreciate your intelligence.

- J

---

That's not as exciting as Sirius' idea.

- P

---

Nothing's ever as exciting as Sirius' ideas. That is why it is safer to stay away from him and his ever so exciting mind.

-M

---

I know there's an insult in there; I can _feel_ it.

- S

**---**

Well, your powers of observation have far surpassed my expectations Sirius. Well done.

-M

---

Clap clap for the handicap!

-P

---

Hey!

- S

---

I still say ignoring the idiots would be good, but you could also try a big stunt that will prove your genius. Like acing a Charms test or being the first to transfigure a rat into a phoenix in Transfiguration, or something else impressive that will show the others how smart you are. Don't be silly, but the bigger the stunt, the more chance they won't forget it.

- J

---

Yeah, like if you transfigure the house tables into things each house represents. For example at breakfast or lunch or dinner (whichever mealtime you perceive to be the most suited) the Slytherin table turns into a whole lot of slimy snakes that eat all the equally slimy Slytherins. The Ravenclaw table turns into lots of ravens wearing thick nerdy glasses. The Hufflepuff table turns into a whole lot of fluffy badgers with yellow ribbons in their fur. And the Gryffindor table turns into many dashing, brave lions that tear the snakes to shreds. Much like a Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Slytherin. And yes, my idea is _much_ better than James'.

-S

---

No, your idea is stupid and dangerous, but still hilarious.

- J

---

I think it's a _wonderful_ idea. I'm being sarcastic by the way Sirius. I am being _so_ sarcastic right now that the parchment is melting with all the sarcasm.

-M

---

You cruel, sarcastic little bugger.

-S

---

Cruel but true my friend, cruel but true.

- J

---

Damn you. Damn you all to hell.

-S

---

I think it's a good idea! Kind of... if you take away all the snakes and lions and ravens and badgers.

-P

----

But prank is nothing much without them.

- S

---

Yeah, but it's a little dangerous don't you think? What with all the man-eating animals around. I suppose the badgers would be all right, and maybe the ravens but snake are a little... poisonous, don't you think?

-P

---

Actually, badgers are rather vicious.

- J

---

Oh no.

-P

---

You people. You call yourselves Marauders? COWARDS ALL!

-S

---

Since when did the definition of "coward" become "reasonable"?

-M

---

I think there is a fine line between a prank and something that is completely dangerous. Besides, if you really like this prank, why don't _you_ do it instead of getting some inexperienced girl to do it?

- J

---

Maybe I will!

-S

---

Uhh... James, I don't think you should have said that.

-P

---

What have I done?

- J

---

Something terrible. Something very terrible indeed.

-M

---

Moo ha ha ha haa!

-S

---

Oh no, time to get out the rope and go to the astronomy tower, he's gone insane again.

- J

---

He hasn't _gone_ anywhere.

-M

---

As much as I like to throw Sirius from tall heights, I think we've answered this question don't you? Just listen to James and Moony and everything shall be fine.

- P

---

Thank you, Peter. Well done. We may let you summarise more questions in the future.

- J

---

Yay!

- P

* * *

**Dear Remus,**

**I have heard you and your friends talking about your "furry little problem." Sirusly, (he he) it's nothing to be ashamed about. Heck, I have one too! What's wrong with someone having a badly behaved rabbit!?!? (That is what it is, right?) I have one too! I know you have a girlfriend, but maybe, you'd like to have dinner sometime so we can talk about our compatible problem? RSVP soon**!

**Funny Bunny**

---

What in the- Rabbit? I thought it was – Ow!

- P

---

Yes, that's exactly what we're talking about. Remus has a rabbit and it's very disobedient.

- J

---

Unlike dogs who are always obedient.

- S

---

Yes! That's right, it's a rabbit. A terribly badly behaved rabbit. Called... Flopsy. Because it's ears are all, you know, floppy.

-M

---

Yes, sorry mate; looks like everyone knows now. Damn. Oh well.

- J

---

That's all right; I suppose it's for the best. I knew I couldn't hide it forever. One day someone would have found out about dear old Flopsy. Anyway, Funny Bunny, I think I should make it clear that I have dinner with the whole school every night. It's something to do with dinner being held in the Great Hall with all the other houses.

-M

---

You should start a support group! People With Furry Little Problems Anonymous. Or PWFLPA for short.

-S

---

That sounds like some kind of retarded way of saying flipper.

- J

---

My cousin had a bunny, until it fell into the bath and drowned. Who knew bunnies couldn't swim?

– P

---

Well, we could name it the Society Of Flopsy in memoriam of Moony's rabbit. That way it would be SOF. Or we could name it after Pete's cousin's rabbit and make all the members wear black bunny ears in mourning for the deceased fur ball.

-S

---

Ha! Everyone could wear rabbit costumes!!

-P

---

Especially the girls.

- S

---

Hmmm, Lily in a rabbit costume. I think you're on to something there Sirius.

- J

---

I think this is getting a little out of hand.

-M

---

By the way, how did you know the rabbit was called Fur Ball? You must be psychic or something Sirius.

- P

---

…And little bunny ears and a little fluffy tail and…

- J

---

James! Snap out of it! ... Oh dear, he's drooling. He looks slightly catatonic.

-M

---

Oh, ten sickles the drool will reach the floor!

-S

---

You're on!

- P

---

Hey, stop betting on my Lily-in-bunny-costume induced drooling!

- J

---

I've learned my lesson. No more gambling for me.

-M

---

Damn! It was so close!

- S

---

You owe me ten sickles!

- P

---

Er... Moony, my honorary accountant would be happy to pay. Wouldn't you Moony?

-S

---

NO.

-M

---

What's an accountant?

-P

---

Ask Moony, he knows all about that muggle junk.

- S

---

Accountants are _people_ you know. They count money, and various other things.

-M

---

Oh. When did you become an accountant? Why didn't anybody tell me?

- P

---

Pete, I'm not an accountant. Sirius was just being a stupid berk, which is actually another way of saying "Sirius Black."

-M

---

I resent that.

- S

---

But it's so true.

- J

---

I'm sure you do. Anyway, weren't we supposed to be talking about rabbits?

-M

---

Yes we were. Did you know dogs like to hunt and kill rabbits? Maybe we should tie Sirius up and throw him from the astronomy tower again, so your Flopsy is safe.

- J

---

What? I've never killed a rabbit in my life! I mean, I've never known a dog who has killed a rabbit in my life. That'll do.

- S

---

Well, I'm glad to hear it. But I'd be more worried about Sirius; Flopsy is one _vicious_ bunny.

-M

---

Indeed, he bit holes in all my bed sheets and my poor precious socks. My poor, poor socks!

- P

---

No, that was Sirius.

- J

---

SOCK KILLER!!

- P

---

Now now, Pete. Those socks had it in for them. Just be glad Flopsy didn't get to them before I did. That mangy little rabbit with its great big pointy teeth! Be afraid, be very afraid.

-S

---

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

- P

---

Not _that_ afraid.

- J

---

Now, that was uncalled for.

-M

---

Are you happy Sirius? Not only did you scare Peter like a little child (which isn't that hard to do) you also insulted Remus, I mean, Remus' rabbit, Flopsy. I believe if Flopsy were here right now, he would jump up and bite your big nose.

- J

---

Hey! My nose isn't big!

- S

---

Ah! Bite-y rabbit!

- P

---

I think this is enough talk of Furry Little Problems, if we keep going it will only lead to disaster.

-M

---

Hear hear!

J

---

So, no to dinner and yes to admittance of vicious bunny ownership.

- J

---

That pretty much sums it up. Unless, of course, Funny Bunny wouldn't mind joining the rest of Hogwarts and I at dinner tonight. If that's so than it's a yes on both accounts.

-M

---

You'll have to fight tooth and nail to get to him past Cass. She never gives him a minute alone. Like a fox she is.

- S

---

Ah! Fox!

- P

* * *

_A/N: Hello all! Thanks to everyone who's reviewed, sent a question or read! Or all three! Just one thing about questions: It's a little hard to incorporate questions that link to other questions. I'm not sure I'm making sense. But it's just we have this list of questions, and by the time we get to the one that has something to do with some other question it's been five chapters and everything ends up not making sense. Like I am now. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if a question doesn't make sense unless it's alongside a previous question then it's rather difficult to incorporate in a way that isn't as mind-bogglingly confusing as this note is._

_Anyway, thanks again to everyone in general. I will shut up now. For my own sanity as well as yours._

_-discombobulated.shoe_

_Like discombob said, thanks all! You people are really nice and very smart to be coming up with all these wonderful questions! Also, I came up with an idea a few days back…themed chapters! So, if you have an idea for a theme, or have a themed question, please send away. Some of themes that might be included could include Christmas, Valentines Day, Thanksgiving (that one's probably a bit hard) Halloween, and that's all I can come up with for now. So you can see why I'm asking for you for ideas. _

_Well, thanks again for the reviews, and please keep all questions, ideas and reviews coming. It's up to you to make this great, me and discombob just make it funny. ;D_

_See ya_

_- Tiger-Cub684_


	14. Chapter 14

_A/N: In which Moony is a wet blanket, Peter is a lab rat and Sirius sends James over the rainbow.

* * *

_

**Dear Marauders' Advice Thingy,**

**There's this clique of girls that really hate me! They constantly make fun of me, pulls pranks on me, and they even jinx me in the halls! No one even seems to notice! **

**I want to tell a teacher, but I'm scared that they'll just get meaner!**

**Scared**

---

People who pick on others are pathetic arses who deserve to be strung up by their ankles and dangled above the ground, much like Sirius does to Snape everyday.

- J

---

Wouldn't that make Sirius a bully?

- P

---

No. It's called retaliation Pete. Which is my suggestion to you Scared, what you need is a magnificent Revenge Plot!

-S

---

Or some powerful and talented friends to help defend you.

- J

---

Two wrongs don't make a right you know, Sirius. But I suppose I can see where you're coming from. Scared, I think you need to show these girls that you aren't someone to be messed with. So, before Sirius beats me to it, a little pranking never hurt anyone. This, of course, means _harmless_ pranks, not transfiguring furniture into vicious animals.

-M

---

Yeah, maybe a simple slippery floor trick, or hexing their robes so that they look really fat in them. It's a sure fire way to destroy someone's self-esteem.

- J

---

I remember that one; I didn't come out of the dorm for a week.

- P

---

Oh, I forgot we like to test spells and pranks on you Pete. How's that shoulder? I hope the poking spell didn't dislocate it.

- J

---

Fine, I guess. You know, I don't really like all this testing, I'm not a lab rat for merlins sake!

- P

---

Oh, I think you're closer to one than you think.

- S

---

I don't think it'd be beneficial for people's schoolwork if they hid in their dorms for a week. And dislocating people's shoulders is a bit over the top I'd say.

-M

---

You say everything's over the top. What's a prank that's NOT over the top?

-S

---

Moony's a non-pranking-no-fun wet blanket, remember?

- J

---

That's not true, I don't think _everything_ is over the top. Just things that obstruct schoolwork and cause bodily harm.

-M

---

So emotionally crippling is okay?

-S

---

No!

-M

---

No-fun wet blanket go sit in the no-fun wet blanket corner and do some homework or something.

- J

---

Yep, James is right. _Definitely_ a wet blanket. Have the wettest and blanket-est sorts.

-S

---

My blanket is blue.

- P

---

That's nice Peter.

–J

---

You people are insufferable. How about we concentrate on giving advice?

-M

---

Sure thing Messr. Wet Blanket!

-S

---

But we _are_ giving advice! We're telling Scared how she/he (it?) can get back at her/his bullies.

- J

---

What? By calling them wet blankets? That's _very_ helpful James. (Sarcasm intended.)

-M

---

Now now Remus, there's no need to get _hostile_.

-S

---

You know, this reminds me of a saying, used universally by muggles and magic-folk "Power in numbers" and I'm not talking about maths. Maybe if Scared joined some kind of group, or got a whole bunch of friends to hang around with, the bullies won't have the opportunity to pick on her/him. Sometimes I surprise myself by my genius.

- J

---

That does sound like a good course of action. Though I don't think the motivation for becoming friends with people should be that they'd make nice bodyguards.

-M

---

Why must you twist my words? It's great advice! Think of Peter ,he's a great example, if it weren't for me and Sirius he'd be constantly wedgied, noggied, slimed, punched, chased and all manner of unpleasant things. And in exchange, we get to use him to test all out pranks.

- J

---

Yes, I believe it's called Symlyossos or something.

- S

---

That's Symbiosis, Sirius.

- J

---

Whatever, all I know is I like it.

- S

---

I still don't condone that sort of thing. The point of being friends with someone is to be their _friend_. Which means more than "bodyguard" or "lab rat". I just don't want this poor person getting involved with the wrong crowd just so they won't be bullied by a different wrong crowd. I think I like the Revenge Plot idea better actually.

-M

---

Anything we suggest, you will just dismiss as dangerous or something. If you want a Revenge Plot, _you_ suggest something, smartypants.

- J

---

Fine. Umm... well... I guess you could... no, wait... umm... Stop smirking at me! I'm thinking!

-M

---

See? You can't come up with anything! Why do you think Prongsie and me do all the work, and only let you in at the end? It's because you don't have a pranking bone in your body, you're only good for being logical and other useless stuff like that. Wet Blanket.

- S

---

Oh, that was harsh!

- P

---

Harsh but true.

- J

---

First off, I am going to make the point of IGNORING those berks and give some advice. Now, a Revenge Plot. There's this potion I know of that causes hair-loss. Completely harmless really. You could always slip it into their pumpkin juice at breakfast, or something of that sort. I'm sure they'd be devastated. Or, if that doesn't take your fancy, you could always use this other potion, which causes the growth of hair, like a beard or something. That would be equally devastating I'm sure. And equally harmless.

-M

---

That's practically no different than the Fat Robes!  
- J

---

Yeah, it's all emotional. You my friend are a hypocrite.

- S

---

It's not emotional! If they're _that_ concerned about their image then I'm afraid they're too far-gone and there's nothing we can do for them now.

-M

---

Moony, just face it; you couldn't come up with a good prank if your life depended on it. Scared, if you want to get them to leave you alone, come see us later. We have in our possession a whole bunch of spells that would be perfect for your situation. Including the one I mentioned earlier about stringing them up above the ground by their ankles.

- J

---

What? That's our secret stash!

- S

---

Relax mate, we wont give him/her _all_ our spells, just the few that are practically out in the open anyway.

- J

---

But then won't the bullies be able to use them?

- S

---

Of course not, bullies don't have the intelligence to work those spells.

- J

---

Alrighty then.

- S

---

Well fine. I still don't see what's wrong with my ideas. But I know from experience that Sirius and James can argue till the end of the earth and I'd rather not waste my time.

-M

---

Aww... he's pouting now.  
-P

---

Let's just end this before little Minnykins does something to ruin our reputation.

- S

---

If you ever call me Minnikins again I'll put fleas in your bed.

-M

---

You wouldn't! You try to hide it behind your 'morals' but really, you are a cruel, violent, heartless, cold-blooded creature! Fleas! How could you even _think_ of something so horrible!

-S

---

I do not fear your fleas!  
- J

---

Well... you should.

-M

---

Why? I'm no dog! Fleas cannot harm me!

- J

---

Ah! Fleas!

- S

---

Since everyone's being all obsessed with fleas I get to summarise! Scared you can either (a) come up with a Revenge Plot yourself, (b) make friends with a some people who'll protect you, (c) put potion in their drinks or (d) meet with James and Sirius and learn all these self-protection spells.

-P

---

FLEAS!

- S

---

Pft, fleas bunch of harmless parasites!

- J

---

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!

- S

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**I'd really like to have an answer to this question: Why are boys idiots?**

**Thank you,**

**The Broken Hearted**

---

Well, I believe that Moony answered that question before. More to the point, we are so not idiots. Well, maybe Peter is, but you can't judge us all by one person.

- J

---

Hey! I'm not an… what did you call me again?

- P

---

My point exactly.

- J

---

I think it's mainly because we all have COODIES. Muh ha ha ha! Siriusly though (I am _never_ going to get over that) I think we all need to grow up a bit. And I think we've established earlier on that we're not in fact idiots, but rather a fun loving troupe of people who like to have fun. Except for Moony of course.

-S

---

Yes, he's such a wet blanket.

- J

---

We are not having this conversation again. I am not a wet blanket. That is that. Now, we have been over this before, though I can't accurately remember what was said. However I think it had something to do with boys having a tendency to find fun in things girls find idiotic and immature. It's really all to do with perspective.

-M

----

Most people don't understand our genius, and therefore call us stupid. But in truth, they are the idiots.

- J

---

I agree, everyone else is wrong but me.

- S

---

What about me?

- J

---

Everyone else is wrong but me and James.

- S

---

What about me?

- P

---

I'm not going to repeat myself.

- S

---

Oh.

- P

---

It could be that everyone else is _right_ except you and James. You are largely outnumbered when you think about it. What with, you know, _everyone_ against just the two of you.

-M

---

What are you talking about Moony? I think you've been sneaking some of my gillyweed, you'll have to pay for that, it ain't cheap you know.

- J

---

James, not everything has to do with you and your gillyweed.

-M

---

Right, just like not every thing has to do with Lily. If it's not the gillyweed, then you are crazy; Lily is the world.

- J

---

All this talk of Lily and gillyweed is making me feel too sober, I'm going go get some firewhiskey. Coming Pete?

- S

---

Right behind you!

- P

---

Well... I think James, Sirius and Peter have just proved that boys _are_ idiots, and for no apparent reason at all. Well, at least _some_ boys are. You shouldn't make any generalisations.

-M

---

Oh, if I hadn't sworn on my life that i wouldn't say anything, I could say so much in contradiction to what you just said.

- J

---

Nope! Feel free to generalise away! If all boys are idiots, and Moony is apparently the only one _not_ then, logically, that makes Moony a girl! Isn't that right Miss Moony?

-S

---

Sirius, I am about this far away from going ahead with the fleas. FLEAS SIRIUS.

-M

---

AHHH!! FLEAS!!

- S

---

Where?

- P

---

You two are ridiculous. Fleas indeed.

- J

---

FLEAS. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

-M

---

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! SAVE ME JAMES!!

-S

---

Fine, but I don't want you drooling on my robes again.

- J

---

Eek!

- P

---

BACK MOONY BACK!

- J

---

Umm… I don't think you want to know what's happening right now. So I will do a summary! Yay! Okay then, boys are idiots because it's fun. Except for Moony who is a wet blanket.

-P

---

And a girl!

-S

---

FLEAS.

-M

---

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!-S

---

Oh quiet you all. Now I know why Broken Hearted thinks boys are idiots.

- J

---

By the way, if its relationship trouble, I'm sure the boys will grow out of all the selfishness and fear-of-commitment, or whatever your issue is here. Unlike men like me who would never break a girls heart, especially not Lily's.

- J

* * *

**Dear Marauders, **

**Are you positive that Slytherins and Gryffindors can't have a good relationship? I still have a crush on Severus Snape and I can't get over it! Please tell me if I have a chance with him, and, if so, how do I get his attention? **

**Sincerely, **

**The Redflower Fox (Gryffindor)**

---

Well, I don't know why or how, but it seems that the impossible has happened. Gryffindor girls are falling for Snape. THE END IS NIGH!

- J

---

AHHHHHHHHHHH!! I don't want to die!

- P

---

We've been over this once, we've been over this twice, we've been over it a thousand times: Snape is a slime ball. As are the other Slytherins. Inter-house relationships are IMPOSSIBLE. And anyone who thinks otherwise is insane. Or Moony. But he's insane too so... yeah. BAD.

-S

---

i don't know about that, I mean, Regulus and Andrea are pretty happy. I don't think we should rule out inter-house relationships all together, just ones with Snape.

- J

---

We've also been over the fact that Sirius has no authority as to decide who goes out with whom. And relationships between people of different houses (namely Slytherin and Gryffindor) ARE possible and can turn out quite well (see James' example), but I think you may have a hard time getting Severus Snape's attention. He's not a very happy chappy. And he doesn't seem to like people all that much as a rule. So... I don't really see any light at the end of the tunnel there.

-M

---

I'm undecided here, ask the others.

- P

---

I personally think you're raving. Absolutely mental. You should join Mental And Deranged, or MAD for short. Really. Snivellus. I can't believe you.

-S

---

I agree with you there Sirius, Snape is an ugly, greasy slime ball git with a big nose and I can't believe anyone would like him. Why, oh why do you like him?

- J

---

Is the end still nigh?

-P

---

Yes. Yes it is.

-S

---

Oh no…

-P

---

I seriously don't see how anyone can like him, especially a Gryffindor. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMAN!

- J

---

Well now, there's no need for that. I don't see why people can't have crushes on Snape, though he is a little... uh... well. ANYWAY, as I said before Snape is perhaps a little antisocial. And not very pleasant to other people. So I don't really think you're in with a chance, especially since we don't seem to have any useful advice to give on the subject.

-M

---

Yeah, he's a bit of a social retard isn't he? Anyway, we DO have useful advice to give: STAY AWAY FROM SLYTHERINS. ESPECIALY GREASY-HAIRED SLIMEBALL SLYTHERINS CALLED SNIVELLUS.

-S

---

Hey, look at this; Lily wants me to submit a note for this question.

-J

---

_Dear Marauders,_

_Concerning the girl who likes Snape, I would like to say this: Even Snape could possibly love someone, and so I believe that The Redflower Fox should give it a go. It is possible that Snape will react positively (if miracles do exist) and she and the slime ball may live happily ever after, but there is always the risk that Snape is indeed a heartless loner who cares for no one but himself. My advice is this: if you really do care for him, you have noting to lose by trying_

_Signed,_

_Lily Evans _

---

Even when she is not here, she is still enlightening us with her wisdom.

- J

---

Oh dear, he's gone into another trance.

- P

---

It's okay! I have a bucket of water! He'll be just fine in three... two... one...

-S

---

AAAAHHHHHHHHH!! YOU DIMWITTED ARSE!!

- J

---

Hehehe, that was funny do it again.

- P

---

See! All better! Sure thing Pete!

-S

---

Argh! How could you miss? Look, you've ruined my jumper. It's all wet now. I hope you're happy.

-M

---

I am. I am VERY happy.

-S

---

Ugh. Stupid mangy mutt... Well then, The Redflower Fox, I suggest you listen to Lily. That's my advice. Yes. And stay away from Sirius; he has a bucket of water that magically fills up as soon as it's emptied.

-M

---

Tell me about it. My hair isn't getting dry. He's hexed the water to permanently soak your hair. I'll get you for this Sirius!

- J

---

Your hair looks better that way James. I was doing you a favour.

-S

---

Sirius, if my jumper doesn't dry, I will... FLEAS Sirius! Remember the fleas!

-M

---

AH! NOT THE FLEAS!

- S

---

MY HAIR! LOOK WHAT HE DID TO MY HAIR! Whatever fleas Moony gives you, I'll double it!

- J

---

Hey! That's uncalled for! You wouldn't _really_... you _would_ wouldn't you! NOT THE FLEAS!!!

-S

---

MOO HA HA HA!

-M

---

MORE, MORE KEEP POURING THEM UNTIL HE BREAKS OUT IN HIVES!

- J

---

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAVE ME WORMTAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-S

---

Here!

-P

---

OH, NO YOU DON'T!

- J

---

I DIDN'T MEAN POURING THE BUCKET ON _ME_. THAT'S NOT HELPING. I AM WET AND ITCHY.

-S

---

Now you feel my pain. Why was I angry again?

- J

---

Your hair.

- P

---

Oh, that's right. I'LL KILL YOU!

- J

---

Can we dry everything first? Everything smells like wet dog, it's positively disgusting.

-M

---

That must be Sirius, because MY HAIR smells like aftershave (don't bother asking why) and I have even more disturbing news: THE WATER WILL NEVER DRY!

- J

---

It will! This is my favourite jumper! And it's WET. This is very displeasing. Sirius, you had better have a way to fix this.

-Messr. Not Happy Moony

---

For your information, I do. Here, I'll do the spell.

- S

---

NO! DON'T TRUST HIM!

- J

---

Fine, you do it yourself then. A drying charm won't work; you have to vanish the water. But be careful, if you don't do it right you might accidentally evaporate yourself. Did you know that the human body's made up of ninety percent water? Fascinating isn't it?

-S

---

YOU EVIL LITTLE CRETIN!

-J

---

I'm glad I'm not wet.

- P

---

Not for long…

- J

---

AAAHGGHH! James just soaked me with his hair!

- P

---

Muhahahaha!

- J

---

James that's revolting. Don't go around wetting people with your hair, it's unseemly.

-M

---

Hey, I've been practising the spell, so if you don't want to stay sopping wet for all eternity you're going to have to trust me!

-S

---

Just get me dry.

- P

---

Hey Moony, if it works on Pete, maybe it'll work on us.

- J

--

Why am I always the guineapig?

- P

---

Lab rat Pete, lab rat. Now hold still... There! Worked like a charm! Ha, it _is_ a charm. Funny that.

-S

---

Why am I blue?

-P

---

Damn it Sirius just get it right! My clothes are starting to itch.

- J

---

Uh... that's one of the… uh... _very_ rare side effects. See I'll do it on myself! ... Oh... oops. Sorry mate, you can either be blue or wet, your choice.

-S

---

I don't like those options. Moony, help.

- J

---

My jumper's blue anyway so I don't mind.

-M

---

AM I THE ONLY SANE ONE HERE?

- J

---

Maybe _we're_ the sane one's and you're the only _insane_ person here.

-M

---

So you are saying that because you would like to be blue, you are sane? You are extremely insane if you seriously believe that.

- J

---

Hurry up and let Sirius use his charm on you so we can finish off the question.

-M

---

Fine, but there better be a counter for this Blue.

- J

---

There is, Green.

-S

---

DAMN YOU SIRIUS AND YOUR SPELLS!

- J

---

Well... you're not blue!

-S

---

AAHHH! I'M GREEN!

- J

---

Hehehe, he looks like a wood sprite.

- P

---

LILY IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO DATE A WOOD SPRITE!

- J

---

She doesn't want to date you either.

- P

---

Huh... well, you could always be red. Or yellow. I know how to make you purple too. Or, you can be rainbow colours! Yeah! That's sounds good doesn't it? Right ... There! You look dashing my man, absolutely dashing.

-S

---

I'LL KILL YOU!

-J

---

Right, I think this stopped having anything to do with the question ages ago. Basically, The Redflower Fox, listen to Lily. Now I have to go restrain James and stop Sirius from turning him any more colours.

-M

* * *

_A/N: Hello out there! THANK YOU to everyone who has read and reviewed and/or asked a question and/or given a suggestion! To all those Lily fans, she WILL be returning, not to worry, but unfortunately not this chapter or next. However she may just give James notes to submit on her behalf (why James and not the others no one knows :WINK:) if she deems it necessary._

_Thankyou all for coming, I hope you enjoyed your stay and please leave a review on your way out. :)_

_-discombobulated.shoe_

_Yes, well, all the important stuff has been said. So…oh, also, thanks again to all reviewers. So, it seems I used all my good ideas last time. This will be unfortunately short. But remember to look out for the next chapter. It has transfiguration and time travel, all part of the question that were written by Discombob, but inspired from the ideas some of you have given us. _

_See ya, and all that what my partner-in-crime just said. _

_- Tiger-Cub684 _


	15. Chapter 15

_A/N: In which there is an abundance of serenades, fleas and wet cats.

* * *

_

**O So Intelligent Marauders,**

**I've failed every potions class since I started at Hogwarts, but I've tried really hard in classes! I think Slughorn has it in for me, what should I do?**

**- Angry Gryffindor**

---

Well, one option would be to cheat, although Moony would probably frown with disapproval.

- J

---

Slughorn likes playing favourites; if you're not naturally talented you can forget learning anything. He picks out a few people to be his favourites and dotes on them for the rest of their lives at Hogwarts. And yes James, I _do_ disapprove of cheating. The only way to become better at potions would be to ask someone who already is for tutoring. I would help but I'm not particularly good at that subject myself.

-M

---

Bloody favouritism!

-P

---

You could ask Lily, she's great at everything. Actually, that's a great idea! I think I'll do that. Change of plan, you can find your own tutor.

- J

---

I'm afraid all of Slughorn's favourites are in Slytherin. I personally don't need help. It seems my damn family are good at one thing, and potions runs in the blood.

- S

---

What do you need a tutor for James? You already get some of the highest potions marks in all of Gryffindor.

- P

---

For hitting on Lily.

-S

---

Yeah, well you can never do enough study.

- J

---

Exactly.

-M

---

Yes, DO enough study. Ha! I'm so funny!

- S

---

No you're not.

- J

---

Ouch, you just punched me!

- S

---

And I'll do it again.

- J

---

James is generous that way.

-M

---

What can I say; I'm a generous person.

- J

---

Anyway, Angry Gryffindor, I'm sure Lily would be happy to help you. It'll give her an excuse not to spend time with James. Or James or Sirius might be willing to tutor you. If you're a girl I'm sure Sirius wouldn't mind, if you can put up with all the innuendo, I'm sure that would be fine.

-M

---

You seem sure of a lot of things there Moony. You shouldn't be so sure of yourself. I REFUSE TO STUDY! Or be involved with helping others study.

-S

---

I know, I will help you boy or girl, I don't mind. It will prove just how generous I really am.

- J

---

This is another ploy to get Lily to like you isn't it?

- P

---

…Maybe…

- J

---

James is very good at thinking up his little Lily ploys. Remember when he tried serenading to her? That was VERY entertaining.

-M

---

I shouldn't have gotten the lyrics from Sirius. I blame him for that, in fact, in every failed ploy, Sirius was involved. I blame him.

- J

---

So you should.

-M

---

Hey! It was a good song!

-S

---

It was comparing her to a hog. How is that a good song?

- J

---

I for one like hogs. Very tasty.

- S

---

_Oh my lovely Lily flower_

_I want to snog you for an hour_

_You clear away the foggy fog_

_For you are a beautiful Hogwarts hog!_

_If I could chop off your head and mount it on my mantle_

_I would because I am a pathetic bastard and should stop bugging my bestest friend Sirius for stupid song lyrics._

---

I for one think it's a lovely song. And that's just the first verse!

-S

---

You bastard! You set me up! I'll kill you!

- J

---

No more, please it's worse than James' poetry.

- P

---

And I thought that wasn't possible. I stand corrected.

-M

---

_Oh lovely Lily I'm not a fag_

_So what do you say to a nice long shag?_

_In the cupboard full of brooms?_

_Or on the floor of the common room?_

_You can choose I don't mind_

_Because I am a horny bugger and really should have been happy with just one verse because now the magnificent Sirius is getting tired of humouring my sorry arse._

---

And there lies verse two. I should be a professional songwriter.

-S

---

Now, I don't remember singing that one. You sod, you've been writing more verses all this time.

- J

---

For the sake of the world, please don't write anymore!

- P

---

Hey, James I'm doing this for you. I write because I CARE, you're my best friend and I want you to have the best serenading material. Is that such a crime?

-S

---

With those lyrics, yes it is. Please, I really don't want your help anymore, you've done enough.

- J

---

I should say so. I'm sure Lily doesn't appreciate them all that much.

-M

---

This black eye agrees with you Moony.

- J

---

How hard did she it you?

- P

---

Very hard and I blame it all on Padfoot. Someone should break his fingers before he writes any more foul verses.

- J

---

Way ahead of you Prongs.

-M

---

Ah! Get away from my fingers!

-S

---

Get the right hand first, he's right handed after all.

- J

---

Why is it that every question always involves you people bringing me pain?

- S

---

Because you're a bad person.

- P

---

And because it's amusing. Now stop cowering under the table and give me your right hand.

-M

--

Damn, he got away. How could you fall for the old "stun moony and run" trick? It's the oldest one in the book!

- J

---

Er... is he okay? He looks a little... unconscious.

-P

---

Ha! By the way, I call my song Ode to Lily. Classy isn't it?

- S

---

That's one powerful stun spell; it was always Sirius' specialty.

- J

---

Wow... is he breathing?

-P

---

Stop poking him with that stick.

-S

---

Why? Aaaahhhhhh!

- P

---

That's why. Are you all right under there? At least you broke Moony's fall.

- J

---

Gommioasnim.

- P

---

What was that?

- J

---

I said: good for him.

- P

---

Sirius, do the counter spell now.

- J

---

Ow! You insufferable... _ow_. God that, _ow!_ Sirius, I swear if every bone in my body wasn't aching like hell right now I'd cover your sorry arse in fleas!

-M

---

What is it with you and fleas?

- S

---

We know it's the one thing you fear most, other than rejection

- J

---

You hate them. I… erg… Why is Peter underneath me?

-M

---

Hello Moony!

-P

---

Because he poked you and you fell on him.

– J

---

Do you have any more Ode to Lily? I'm starting to like it.

- P

---

_Oh Lily Evans, the prettiest girl I've ever seen_

_I hear you want to rip out my spleen!_

_I'd like you to know before you do_

_The hottest girl in this school is you_

_I could stalk you day and night_

_If I wasn't doing that already, by the way I think you look best in the black underwear._

---

Verse Three! What do you all think?

-S

---

Terrible. I can't believe Moony is letting this go on the Marauders' Advice Thingy.

- J

---

Yay! That was the best yet!

- P

---

I think it's highly amusing. Anyway James, don't you think it's be better if Lily knew it was Sirius coming up with all this and not you?

-M

---

Good point. Maybe she won't trip me up in the halls anymore.

- J

---

She punches you, the trips you, she beats you half to death, yet you're still crazy about her. You, James, are either insane or truly and deeply in love.

- P

---

Same thing isn't it?

-S

---

I suppose. Not that you would know Sirius, you've never been in love and the chances of you starting now are very small.

- J

---

What are you talking about? He's got his whole life ahead of him.

- P

---

With me trying to kill him every week and the Careers Professor saying he'll end up in Azkaban not a month after he's graduated, this is all the life he's going to get.

- J

---

It's okay, there's no need to defend my honour, I understand. We songwriters are vastly misunderstood by the small-minded.

-S

---

Honour? What honour?

-M

---

Sirius, you are the most small-minded person here, well, except perhaps for Pete.

-J

---

Hey! I find that deeply offin... offo... ovin... ooofen... fenci... bad.

-P

---

Weren't we talking about Potions tutoring?

-M

---

Really? Oh, how about that...

-S

---

Yes, that's it. I will personally tutor you, Angry Gryffindor.

- J

---

I suppose that's that then.

-P

---

Yes it is.

- J

---

Yeah, if you want any serenades, I will write you one for just three Galleons a verse.

-S

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**Firstly, Remus is the reason I breathe and the reason I haven't already jumped off the top of the Astronomy Tower.**

**Um, now for the question. I would really like to hear your opinions on whether or not pigs could ever fly. And also, if you were stuck on a deserted island and could only bring three things along with you (not including your wand), what would they be?**

**-Felicia-**

**PS: I am seriously in love with Remus...is there any way I could ever get him to notice me or go out with me? But I guess in the end, I will never be good enough...**

---

Okay, firstly, Remus already has a girlfriend. I beg you not to jump off the Astronomy Tower, I'm sure there is someone more available for you out there.

- J

---

Like me!

- S

---

No, not Sirius. Trust me, you really don't want to get involved with that guy.

- J

---

James is right, I already have a girlfriend. I'm sure you're a really nice person though and tons of other boys would be delighted to go out with you. But whatever you do stay away from Sirius. I wouldn't want you catching some nasty disease from him.

-M

---

Yes, I could name very many off the top of my head, but now to your second question. Sure, pigs could fly it would just require the right spell.

- J

---

Pigs already fly, as James said, it's just a matter of the finding the right spell. But I suppose you mean unaided my magical means. In that case, if ever they need to fly, they could always evolve into winged pigs.

-M

---

You could make Bellatrix fly, is that close enough?

- P

---

No! Of course not! How could you insult pigs like that Peter? I am disappointed in you.

-S

---

Sorry.

- P

---

Third question. Three things I would take with me to a deserted island: broomstick, Lily and my… invisibility cloak.

- J

---

Chocolate, toast and my shoes!

- P

---

James, are you sure you should be telling everyone about a certain piece of clothing that hides certain people while the go about certain activities?

-S

---

Oh, good point. Invisibility cloak, silly me, I meant my… school robes. They remind me of… um… time I spent with Lily. Yeah, that'll do. My quill must have slipped when I said Invisibility cloak. Silly me.

- J

---

Well, I'd bring a huge barrel of fresh water, and equally huge crate of food and a tent.

-M

---

I think the point of the question was to see what we valued the most, not what would help us survive.

- J

---

I was just being practical! In that case, I'd bring James, Sirius and Peter.

-M

---

Aww! That's so CUTE Remus! Wood widdle Wemus wike a hug?

-S

---

On second thoughts: no Sirius.

-M

---

Awww, thankyou Moony! I never realised we meant that much to you, but if you were stuck on a deserted island, I wouldn't be happy about you dragging me there with you to die a horrible death.

- J

---

No problem!

-M

---

My turn! My turn... I'd bring... my owl Hooters, my firewhiskey, and a girl of my choosing for the, uh, company.

-S

---

Hmm, well, nothing surprising there.

- J

---

Are you calling me predictable?

- S

---

Yes, yes I am.

- J

---

I resent that.

- S

---

Then surprise me.

- J

---

Ha! I bet you didn't expect that!

-S

---

Curse you Sirius!

- J

---

I don't think he meant pouring your inkpot on his head.

-P

---

Great, now I'm even bluer than I was when you tried to dry me. Take that!

- J

---

Agh! Not fleas!

- S

---

Yes, the fleas!

- J

---

AAAAAHHHHH!!! You people are cruel and heartless!!

-S

---

And amused. Highly amused.

-M

---

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

- J

---

Hehehe, look at him run around scratching! It's funnier than the time he glued James to his seat.

- P

---

I think this question, or rather these questions were answered somewhere amongst all of that... I don't really know what to call it. Whatever, it's there; you just have to tilt your head to the side and squint.

-M

---

Look at Sirius!

- J

---

THIS IS SO NOT FUNNY!

- S

---

On the contrary, it's hilarious.

- J

---

I agree. This is incredibly hilarious. Watch out for that-- ouch! That had to hurt!

-M

---

Mmmmfummummummmsmfmfffmm.

- S

---

I don't see how hitting your head affects your writing, but, oh well.

- J

---

It just does so there. mfmfmmfmmmfumfmfmfmf.

-S

---

Baby.

- J

---

What was that?

- S

---

Nothing, nothing at all.

- J

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**Hey, are you guys being hassled by Filch too? What's with that old coot? As much as I'd have liked to I wasn't the one who threw his kitten in the lake! But he keeps _leering_ at me in that way of his. It's really creeping me out. And that sadistic kitten hisses at me whenever I walk past, I mean yeah I nudged it with my foot just a little in the general direction of the lake, but I swear on my honour as a Marauder I wasn't the one who ruddy threw it in.**

**-Messr. Padfoot**

---

Sirius, I think you've traumatised that poor kitten enough. Just leave it alone.

- J

---

I don't like it; it keeps looking at me funny.

- P

---

Of course it does! It's _evil_.

-S

---

You do realise you could have just _talked_ to us, Sirius. There may be someone out there who _desperately_ needs our advice, but wont get it in time because _you_ kicked Filch's kitten.

-M

---

She is not evil. Mrs Norris is just a small, tiny, cute kitten. It isn't capable of evil and if it has been staring at you funny. Maybe you shouldn't step on her tail, or throw her into the lake. It's animal cruelty I tell you!

- J

---

It's not animal cruelty, it's self-defence. That _demon_ kitty has it in for me. And I _didn't_ kick it by the way Moony, it ran into my foot. Besides that's not the point. The point is I didn't throw her in the lake and Filch thinks I did.

-S

---

Then who did, Sirius Orion Black?

- J

---

How would I know? Seeing as it WASN'T me. And I had absolutely NOTHING to do with it.

-S

---

Sure, Sirius. _Sure_.

-P

---

You realise no one here believes you?

- J

---

I do. And quite frankly I am SHOCKED. My own friends, my _own_ friends have turned against me. ALL IS LOST! ALL IS LOOOOST!

-S

---

That was a little melodramatic don't you think?

-M

---

No.

-S

---

We don't believe you because it's such a Sirius thing to do. And besides, you've been talking about "getting her good" for ages. That and you talk in your sleep.

- J

---

Did I mention anything about lakes? No. Didn't think so.

-S

---

You did say something about flushing her down the toi—

-P

---

QUIET.

-S

---

Actually, you also mentioned feeding her to the giant squid. That's close enough.

- J

---

Yeah, well, I have lots of plans. But I haven't acted upon any of them. Except for maybe the toilet one.

-S

---

You _flushed_ Mrs Norris down the _toilet_?

-M

---

How dare you! The poor little kitty!

- J

---

Well I didn't actually _flush_ her down! I was putting her in when she sort of, levitated away from it. Did you know cats could fly?

-S

---

No. And I'd rather you not try and show me.

-M

---

I didn't know that either, but I _do_ know how to use a levitating charm and track you all over the school.

- J

---

You people have no pity for my poor soul.

-S

---

Maybe you shouldn't torment poor, helpless animals.

- J

---

James is right. Mrs Norris is a harmless little kitten and doesn't deserve the sort of things you do to her.

-M

---

I'm on Sirius' side here; I really don't like that cat. She has it in for me.

- P

---

Yes! I have support! See, Peter's my friend.

-S

---

Only because he's afraid of her. You just dislike her. Where's the reason in torturing the poor thing?

- J

---

We've been through this, that... that... _monster_ is _evil_. I'm doing the world a favour, and this is how I get thanked?

-S

---

Just how are you doing the world a favour?

-M

---

Well, I threw it in the lake for one! That put it out of action for a while.

-S

---

If you don't stop trying to hurt her, we'll have to transfigure you into a cat and throw you into the lake and see how you like it.

- J

---

I thought you said you didn't throw her in the lake!

-P

---

Oh shit.

-S

---

You liar! Really, I have half a mind to let James go ahead with turning you into a cat! And the other half wants me to do it myself.

-R

---

Let me do it Moony, Transfiguration is my specialty.

- J

---

Oh please do.

-M

---

Oh _shit!_

-S

---

Okay then…

- J

---

_Flash!_

---

Meow.

- S

---

Aww! He's so cute!

-M

---

Meow!

-S

---

Awww, here kitty kitty!

- J

---

Grrr… MEOW!

-S

---

As you can see, if you use this caging charm like this, the little kitten is completely defenceless.

- J

---

Ahh! Cat!

- P

---

What's wrong Peter? You look a little pale.

- J

---

Can we throw him into the lake yet?

- P

---

Aw! Can I pat it? Can we keep it James? Please?

-M

---

Meow.

-S

---

Sorry Moony, Pete want's us to throw him into the lake, maybe is he survives we can keep him.

- J

---

Ak! He BIT me! Fine, throw him in the lake then. Stupid fur ball.

-M

---

Meow! MEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!

-S

---

Okie dokie, let's take this outside.

- J

---

_Outside, by the lake._

---

Everyone ready?

- J

---

Ready as ever.

-M

---

Just throw him in.

- P

---

Meeeooooowwww! Meow! MEOW!

-S

---

Okay, let's all do the honours. 1…

- J

---

2…

- P

---

3…

-M

----

_SPLASH!_

---

MMEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! MRROOW! Pthffft! Mrow!

-S

---

All right, I suppose you can turn him back now.

-M

---

Look! It's the giant squid!

-P

---

Oh dear. Quick, Moony, stun him!

- J

---

Consider it done...

-M

---

You hit Sirius, I meant the squid!  
- J

---

Okay, now the squid is frozen. Where's Sirius?

- P

---

Oh damn he's sunk. Stand back people! _Accio Sirius!_

- J

---

Hehehe, there's nothing funnier than a wet cat.

- P

---

Quick turn him back before the squid returns.

-M

---

MEOW!

-S

---

Okay, then.

- J

---

YOU BLOODY PRATS! HOW DARE YOU TURN ME INTO A CAT AND FEED ME TO THAT MONSTER!!

- S

---

It's called retribution Sirius.

-M

---

You didn't like it did you, Sirius?

- J

---

DO I LOOK LIKE I LIKED IT?!?!

- S

---

Not really...

-P

---

Then you have learnt you lesson. You cannot throw Mrs Norris into the Lake.

- J

---

I'LL KILL YOU JAMES!!

- S

---

Oh dear…

- J

---

YOU BLOODY GIT! COME BACK AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!!

-S

---

What are you going to do puss? Scratch his eyes out?

-M

---

Not helping Moony.

- J

---

I'LL KILL YOU TOO YOU SADISTIC PRAT!! I WILL KILL YOU ALL!!

-S

---

You'd better run James; he's got the evil glint in his eyes.

- P

---

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

- J

---

Well at least James has distracted Sirius-- wait. No don't turn around! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

-M

---

Um, I don't think this question was answered. I don't think it ever will be. Remember First Years, don't be mean to animals. Otherwise James will turn you into a cat and throw you in the lake. And some advice to everyone: I'd stay away from Sirius if I were you.

-P

---

At least until he stops TRYING TO STAB ME WITH HIS WAND!

- J

* * *

_A/N Sorry, the time-travel will have to wait till next chapter, but we'll put it up ASAP, just for you. :) I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Please review; it makes us whole. And thanks to everyone who's reviewed or asked us a question or made a suggestion or… yeah. You know who you are! THANKS!_

_Oh yeah, and if you're wondering how Sirius managed to write "meow" when he was a cat, it's because he's SIRIUS. And that's all there is to it. He just **can**. :D_

_-discombobulated.shoe_

_Oh, did you see the transfiguration? Well did you? Wasn't it great! When we were writing it, I was laughing so much it took twice as long as it usually does to write! Go James! Yes, I'm playing favourites here. Poor Sirius. I'm sure he'll recover from his "trip" soon. Hehehe. _

_Well, thanks all for the reviews and question. We really do love them ever so much! And I know I promised Time Travel, but discombob is the one who sorts the chapters, so blame her ducks. But defiantly next chapter. _

_Bye for now and please remember to R&R_

_- Tiger-Cub684_


	16. Chapter 16

_A/N: Chapter Sixteen: in which Moony gets autographs, Sirius and James have a fight and Peter discovers that kangaroos are not in fact mythical animals.

* * *

_

**Oh, um, hello there,**

**You wouldn't mind telling me what time it is? And what day and month it is? And what year it is? You see I'm terribly confused. I've been experimenting with a new invention of mine, it's called a "time turner" and, well, it turns back time! Or forward time. Or, well, whatever tickles your fancy really. Rather ingenious if I do say so myself. Anyway, the heart of the matter is I don't know exactly when I am, if you'd be so kind as to tell me, I may be able to figure a way to, uh, put things right. If I can find out what went wrong in the first place. Oh dear…**

**-Extremely Disorientated**

---

Oh my God, we have a time traveller!

- J

---

Wow! This is remarkable! This is--! Wow. James, Sirius, Peter, this is the _inventor_ of the _time turner!_

-M

---

Oh I know what his name was! We did an essay on him in History of Magic; it was Herman something wasn't it?

- S

---

Herman Barrington. One of the GREATEST inventors EVER.

-M

---

Nah, I could've sworn it was Jeffery something-or-other.

- J

---

No, I'm sure it was Herman Barrington.

-M

---

Oh, I remember now, Jeffery was his brother; he invented the flying broomstick, after flying carpets were outlawed.

- J

---

I thought it was Thomas Edison or something like that...

-P

---

No, that's a muggle you dimwit!

-S

---

Yeah, no muggle could ever compare to a wizard inventor.

- J

---

I like this Jeffery better than Herman, I mean; broomsticks are so much better then some stupid "Time turner."

- S

---

Golly, the _inventor_ of the... do you think I could get his autograph? I wonder where in the castle he is...

-M

---

Moony, we're talking about Jeff now. Stop changing the topic.

-S

---

Maybe he's wondered into the Forbidden Forest. He might be in danger! Go, save him Moony!

- J

---

Oh dear!

-M

---

He actually left...

-P

---

Hey, what do you know, he's just run off into the forest. Moony's so gullible.

- J

---

Hehehe.

-P

---

Oh wow, I am so _tired _after all that.

-M

---

Huh?

- J

---

How'd you get here!?! You just left!

-S

---

Who's that guy with you?

- J

---

Hello chaps!

- Herman Barrington

---

This is Mr. Herman Barrington! It was a good thing you told me about the forest, he could have been hurt! Look! He signed my arm!

-M

---

Oh, right. Why are you writing?

- J

---

Well, this whole thing looked like much fun. It's been years since I was a lad and my friends and me would pass notes.

- H

---

Whoa, look at his clothes! He must be from the middle ages or something.

- P

---

Wow, he's really from the past! That's amazing and to think I thought the question was some kind of practical joke!

- S

---

Well, I don't know what this "Middle Ages" is. Or rather _when_ it is. Do any of you have a calendar? Your delightful little friend here failed to mention the date.

-H. Barrington

---

Sign my forehead?

-M

---

I don't think he should do that Moony; those quills are sharp.

- J

---

I quite agree, I might wound you.

-H.B

---

Oh! I have a copy of your book "Back and Forth Through Time" could you sign that for me?

-M

---

I wrote a book?

-H

---

He wrote a book?

-P

---

Yeah, remember the book Sirius threw it at Snape this morning?

- J

---

Oh yeah, heavy and hard. A good throwing book.

- S

---

My God, they throw literature?

- H

---

Oh no! Not me! Never me. Just Sirius. And occasionally James. But mostly just Sirius. I saved it though! I _never_ throw literature. _Never_.

-M

---

Yeah, all Moony does is read it. He's a no-fun wet blanket.

- S

--

Is not that what literature is for? What year is this, a lot has changed since my time it seems.

-H

---

Oh, you'd be very surprised of all the changes, but I read somewhere about the dangers of changing history, so it's best if we don't go into detail.

- J

---

Ah yes, my studies showed that there could be complications with altering the set course of history. Now if you'd kindly inform me of the year I may be able to return the time I belong in.

-H

---

I cannot believe this. I have a copy of "Back and Forth Through Time" and it is _signed_ by Herman Barrington _himself!_

-M

---

You know, if it weren't for your time turner, we'd never have been able to achieve as many pranks as we have. Thank you Henry Birmington.

- J

---

It's Herman.

- H

---

Whatever.

- J

---

Stop smiling like that Moony; you look like a girl just after her first kiss. I would know, I've seen it many times.

- S

---

From Moony or girls?

- P

---

Girls luckily. If Moony did that too often, I'd be very scared.

- S

---

And stop jumping around; you're making Harry nervous.

- J

---

It's Herman.

- H

---

I'm sure Hector didn't travel through all that time just to see you do your Happy Dance.

- S

---

For Christ's sake, it's HERMAN!

- H

---

Fine geeze, I didn't realise people from the 1400's were so short tempered.

- J

---

Sorry about that Har-- Hec-- Herman. I didn't mean to startle. (See! I KNOW YOUR NAME.)

-M

---

No you don't, you almost called him Harry, and Hector.

- P

---

No I didn't! How could I? His name's written right here on my book and on my arm. See? H-e-r-m-a-n. At least I think it's an "N." It's a little squiggly.

-M

---

Yeah, pretty just like my writing.

- S

---

Wow! You must be related!

-P

---

You never know; my ancestry does date back to the Middle Ages.

- S

---

Please, could you just tell me what year it is so I can return to my year and finish my invention?

-HERMAN Barrington

---

Oh, you're still here.

- J

---

Hey Herm, are you a pureblood by any chance?

-S

---

I am actually and it's HERMAN.

-H

---

Hooray! I'm related to a famous inventor!

-S

---

Lucky...

-M

---

Stop pouting Moony. Just because I'M related to a famous inventor and YOU'RE not.

-S

---

Hey, I'm related to him too then, since me and Sirius are like, distantly related too. Yay! I've got a famous ancestor!

- J

---

Goodness, is everyone here related?

-H

---

Nah, it's only these old pureblood families, lot of inbred buggers really.

-S

---

Yeah, but there is one good thing about it, we're related to you!

- J

---

Inbred? Why that's rather vulgar.

-H

---

Tell me about it, that's part of the reason why I hate my family. That and they're all evil monsters.

- S

---

Not literally of course, but they might as well be.

- J

---

Oh, well, this is all quite fascinating but perhaps if you'd just tell me the year and I could return to my time and we could all get on with our lives, it would be for the best. Also, that fellow with the book hasn't blinked since I've met him, it's frightening.

-H

---

_Herman_ _Barrington_… _Wow_.

-M

---

Oh, it all this excitement, I almost forgot the question.

- J

---

Okay, Hercules--

- S

---

It's HERMAN!

- H

---

Whatever. Anyway, the date is October 16th, 1975, does that - wait a sec, where'd he go?

- S

---

What? He's _gone_? But... but...

-M

---

He must've had enough of you getting his name wrong and ran off as soon as he knew the date.

- J

---

Good one Moony.

- P

---

Yeah, it's all your fault Moony. If you hadn't been so annoying and had gotten his name right, he might still be here.

- J

---

What? _I_ got his name right! It was _you_ who didn't get it right! I didn't even get to ask him to sign my socks...

-M

---

Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night.

- S

* * *

**Dear anyone:**

**I have a question that I have been wondering about for a while: why, if the Forbidden Forest is so dangerous, they don't put up any spells to keep us from going over there? (Not that I'm complaining.) Does Dumbledore WANT us to go there? If so, why? Is he really that nuts?**

**-A Confused Hufflepuff**

---

Well, Hufflepuff, firstly, I am very disappointed at you for insulting the great and wise Dumbledore. Everything he does is for the good of the students, and if he tells us not to go into the forest, you don't go into the forest. Well, we do, but we're the Marauders, you just can't compare.

- J

---

Maybe he trusts us not to go into the forest enough to not have to put up magical barriers.

- P

---

Or he has decided that if we get hurt because we go in there, it's our own fault for going in there.

- S

---

That too...

-P

---

Anyway, _confused_ Hufflepuff? I thought that was a permanent state of mind for you guys?

-S

---

Sirius! Could you kindly not insult our questioners? And the houses of our questioners?

-M

---

Yes, even if Sirius IS not right, we must NOT accept that all the houses are noble in their own way, yatta yatta ya, and all the other stuff they try to feed us at the start of the year.

- J

---

I know you're referring to Slytherin at the moment.

-M

---

Yeah, right, them too. Just kidding, I like the people in Hufflepuff. Simple as heck to beat in Quidditch and always very nice, unlike those slimy bastards in Slytherin.

- J

---

I hate them so much.

- S

---

I was almost in Hufflepuff!

-P

---

No surprise there-- I mean, really? I never knew that!

- J

---

Drop the act James, is more transparent that water.

- S

---

Oh, big word for a small-minded man.

- J

---

Why I ought to--!

- S

---

Shut it tiny.

- J

---

What did you call me?

- S

---

Calm down you two. I believe we've strayed off topic a little.

-M

---

You heard me, Tiny you're a tiny, tiny man. Tiny everywhere and all the girls tell me you're a terrible kisser.

- J

---

Oh, Sirius looks like beetroot, he's like a merge of red and purple.

- P

---

That's it! I am going to MAUL you James! I am NOT tiny! And for your information I am an EXCELLENT kisser thankyouverymuch! MAULING TIME NOW!

-S

---

Not if I give you FLEAS first. Then the trampling will begin.

- J

---

You are rather small Sirius; I've seen jockeys bigger than you are.

-M

---

Maybe you shouldn't get involved Remus, this looks like it could get really dangerous

- P

---

Right! I will have to maul you both now! You can't flea me if you are MAULED!

-S

---

Help! We're being attacked by a midget!

-M

---

What? So now you're not man enough to fight me? What ever happed to all this "mauling" hey, tough guy?

- J

---

I think he's man enough. There just isn't _enough man_ if you get my meaning.

-M

---

I know, I mean, what kind of man has hair that long? He looks like a girl.

- J

---

I WILL EAT YOUR ENTRAILS FOR MY BREAKFAST!

-S

---

NOT IF I CRUSH YOUR TEETH AND HANDS FIRST!

- J

---

Ah! People are writing in capitals! What am I going to do? Help! Help!

-P

---

GGRRRRR!

- J

---

ROOOOAAAAR!

-S

---

AAAHHHH!

-P

---

Oh dear, I never thought talking about the Forbidden Forest would set off such an epic battle.

-M

---

I'LL KNOCK YOU OUT THE WINDOW AND TRAMPLE ALL YOUR BONES TO DUST!

- J

---

NOT BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO PUDDING!

-S

---

S.O.S

-P

---

All right, that's quite enough of that. Let us all take a few deep breaths and talk this out like civilised human beings. For crying out loud stop running around throwing things at each other! You're scaring Peter!

-M

---

THE MUTT DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO BE CIVILISED!

- J

---

SAYS YOU, YOU BARBARIC HORNY DEER MAN!

-S

---

What are they fighting about again? I'm a little lost.

-P

---

I... don't remember. What was it? Something to do with little girls.

-M

---

YEAH, SAYS YOU! Umm, huh? What _were_ we fighting over again? I'm pretty sure I was saying Sirius had small you know, and then he was going to maul me, but I don't remember why. What was the question about again?

- J

---

The Forbidden Forest. And why it doesn't have protective spells keeping us out.

-P

---

Oh yeah, probably because it's where Sirius goes to cry.

- J

---

YOU LITTLE – GAH!

- S

---

You look like a beetroot Sirius, purple really isn't your colour.

- J

---

OK! YOU. ME. OUTSIDE!

- S

---

Okay, fine. It's on. You are so going down.

- J

---

Nonono! Stop that, stop that! You're setting a BAD EXAMPLE. Really! Think of the First Years! Fighting is against the _rules!_

-M

---

SO IS THROWING STUDENTS OFF THE ASTRONOMY TOWER, BUT IT DOESN'T STOP YOU!

- S

---

Well, we could hardly call you a student. I mean all you ever do is flirt with all the girls.

- J

---

Oh yeah, remember Rebecca in Potions this morning? She _so_ wanted me to ask her out.

- S

---

I know; she was practically drooling.

- J

---

Good times my friend, good times.

- S

---

What? Weren't they just fighting a minute ago?

- P

---

I'm pretty sure they were... This is much too confusing.

-M

---

And then yesterday with Jessica. You are such a Casanova.

- J

---

Tell me about it. You know, if you just got over Lily, you could have the same kind of thing I got going.

- S

---

Who would want to?

-M

---

Sounds tempting, but I think I'll stick to my redhead. Tere's no one in the whole school, no, the entire _world_, who is better than my Lily Flower.

- J

---

Okay, but it's your bad. You can't come back crying to me when Lily rejects you… again. I'm telling you, she's an Ice Queen and she punches hard. I don't get that kind of thing from all the girls I date.

- S

---

No, as I recall there's a lot of slapping though. And you should _hear_ some of the gossip! It's rather entertaining actually.

-M

---

Oh really? Then where did you get that big bruise on your shoulder? And that one on your shin is only now starting to fade.

- J

---

Yeah, well, the girls have to understand that it's all just a bit of fun, I mean, what do they expect? Marriage?

- S

---

Seems like some of the do.

- P

---

Yes, well, I think I'll just stick with my desperate plight for Lily. Oh, did I say desperate? I meant determined.

- J

---

What about the question?

- P

---

Oh yes, I almost forgot about it.

- J

---

I DID forget. I think Moony should take this one.

- S

---

Forests. Forbidden ones. With no protective spells. Ring any bells?

-M

--

Maybe.

- J

---

No.

- S

---

Right, I think Dumbledore hasn't arranged for any protective spells to keep students out because Hagrid goes in there often and looks after the animals and other creatures in there. Also, occasionally other people need to access it and it would be rather difficult with all these spells over it. And, as was stated somewhere near the beginning of this incoherent babble, he trusts us to make sensible decisions. Such as the decision not to be eaten by wild animals. Thankyou for your question.

-M

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**If you could be a mythical animal what would you be?**

**-Calenmarwen**

---

I know what James'd be! A UNICORN.

-S

---

NO I would be a Dragon, but I know Sirius would be a fairy.

- J

---

Hey! I'm NOT a fairy! I'd be a... a... I was going to say dragon! You stole my idea!

-S

---

I'd be a sock puppet!

-P

---

What about a Hippogriff? They fly and all that. You look half horse already.

- J

---

Well, if you're done denying your dreams of being unicorns or fairies, I'd like to say that if I could be a mythical animal it'd be a Griffin.

-M

---

Great, now I can't be a Hippogriff either (not that it's a good idea because it's NOT) because they're too closely related. And I do NOT look like a horse.

-S

---

I said I'd be a sock puppet!

-P

---

Peter, a sock puppet isn't a mythical creature.

- J

---

Oh. I don't know then.

-P

---

Peter, what about a pixie? They fly and play tricks on people and many people are afraid of them. All the things you're not really.

- J

---

So, what am I supposed to be?

- S

---

A mermaid.

- J

---

Vampire.

- P

---

Werew - I mean, zombie.

- J

---

A kangaroo.

- P

---

Pete, kangaroo's aren't mythical.

- J

----

Really? I never knew that.

- P

---

Vampire! That way I could go around biting girls' necks and saying "I vant to suck your bloooood!" Pete you're a genius! Well, not really. No.

-S

---

You have a one-track mind Sirius.

-M

---

Hmmm. Well, I like Dragon best. Or Sirius could be a Centaur they're also half horse (and Sirius has that covered already) and they're arrogant and stubbon, just like Sirius.

- J

---

NO. NO HORSES.

-S

---

Fine. I guess being a Vampire would give you an excuse to have your hair long and pale skin and getting close to girl's necks and… wait a minute, you do all that now. You are most definitely best suited as a Vampire.

- J

---

Ah! Bloodsucker!

- P

---

Moo ha ha ha!

-S

---

And I think a Dragon suits me perfectly too. I can fly really well, I'm smart, brave, and I like pretty damsels. All I need now is a big horde of treasure and I'm practically dragon.

- J

---

Well, you DO have scaly skin, your room smells of brimstone and I swear you can breathe fire. Yep, dragon definitely.

- S

---

That smell Sirius, is you and your deadly socks.

- J

---

Another thing you have in common with dragons is that the pretty damsels don't seem to like you back. And you have your hoard of Busty and Bewitched magazines so you DO have treasure!

-M

---

What ever happened to protecting the innocence of the First Years? And besides, if you think _I've_ got a lot of Busty and Bewitched, you clearly haven't seen _Sirius'_ pile.

- J

---

I have seen Sirius' pile. It's frightening. I don't like to talk about it.

-M

---

It really doesn't take a lot to scare you, Moony.

- S

---

No, you are just a scary person.

-M

---

That's because I'm a VAMPIRE!!

-S

----

Not to mention all the scary things he does when he alone, like reading Busty and Bewitched! Oh, we already pointed that out. But still…

- J

---

Hey! I don't read the whole thing, just the bit about hair-care...

-S

---

Sure you do. But I bet you read the centerfold. Or really, look at it.

- J

---

You see the drool stains next to his bed. I think he's been spending too much time looking at those evil magazines. Let's get him a hobby.

- P

---

He already has one. Snogging all the girls in the school.

- J

---

And biting their necks. Purely to suck their blood, it's my vampire needs. Nothing I can do about it. And just because you like to spend hours gazing at your magazines doesn't mean I do, James.

-S

---

What? I haven't looked at them for a whole 10 minutes! Speaking of which…

- J

---

Where's he going?

- P

---

To his dragon "treasure"

-M

---

AKA BUSTY AND BEWITCHED COLLECTION.

-S

---

Damn. I tried to climb the wrong stairs. Do I have a lump on my head, Moony?

J

---

Unfortunately not. But you do have a hole in it.

-M

---

Ha ha, very funny, not. Let's just wrap things up here so I can go back to my magazines.

- J

---

Okay then, so James thinks he would be best as a Dragon.

- S

---

I'm a Pixie!

- P

---

I am a Griffin.

-M

---

And I, the great Sirius Black, would be best as a Vampire! Blearg! But I'll only suck your blood if you're a girl and if you have a nice neck.

-S

---

So, girls, watch your backs, or really, your necks, and look out for and golden feathers you find lying around. Griffins molt like crazy.

- J

* * *

_A/N: At long last! Here there be time travel! … Is it just me or is fan!Moony the cutest thing ever:DD_

_Thanks for all your reviews!! We really appreciate them! Hope you enjoyed this chapter and R&R. :)_

_-discombobulated.shoe_

_See, I told you we had time travel! For those of you who love a good Lily chapter, then your wait is nearly over. I believe that chapter 18 is one. And because we've already written it, I ask you not to send in any more Lily questions for now. Some stuff happens and questions you send in may end up completely irrelevant after chapter 18, so please try and wait until then. Any irrelevant lily questions will be ignored. Trust me, it's a great chapter. A really great chapter. A really really great…ok, I see you get the picture. _

_Thanks to all the reviewers. You're all doing a wonderful job at being creative. Remember to submit all your questions and ideas. Also remember to R&R and we'll see you next chapter. ;D_

_- Tiger-Cub684_


	17. Chapter 17

_A/N: The Seventeenth instalment of The Marauders' Advice Thingy, wherein there be caramel popcorn, devious plans of jealousy and samurai swords.

* * *

_

**HELP!**

**It is now that time of the month and I AM OUT OF CARAMEL POPCORN! This is an emergency people! There's no Hogsmeade weekend soon, and I NEED my caramel popcorn! And that is why I need help from you. Can you tell me how I can get into the kitchens, or can you somehow get my some more caramel popcorn?**

**PLEASE!**

**One in Great Need of Caramel Popcorn!**

---

Why you need Caramel Popcorn is beyond me. But I do know most shops in Hogsmeade deliver on Owl Order.

- J

---

Ah, I know what it's like to run out of your favourite confectionary item. My deepest condolences. Though when I run out it's usually because James, Sirius and Peter have found my stash. Horrid people the lot of them.

-M

---

Well, it's not our fault that you can't ever find a good enough hiding spot. You know Sirius can sniff out chocolate a mile away.

- J

---

Mmm, remember all those chocolates we found in that secret compartment in Remus' trunk? Those were DELICIOUS. I mean, Moony, you have _great_ taste in chocolate.

-S

---

Very expensive too.

- P

---

You know, if it's in a SECRET COMPARTMENT in MY trunk then maybe it's MINE and NOT YOURS.

-M

---

What? What are you talking about? Since when is your trunk YOURS and not for everyone to take stuff out of? I really like this sweater by the way.

- J

---

You know, one day James, one day I say "I really like these GLASSES by the way" and then where will you be? Stuck in the window, blind as a bat, that's where.

-M

---

You wouldn't! How could you even consider taking glasses from a vision impaired? You are so evil!

- J

---

See? I told you he's pure evil.

- S

---

Ha! You're such a hypocrite. How could _you_ even consider taking _chocolate_ from a _sugar_ _impaired!_ I NEED that chocolaty goodness to _live!_

-M

---

But Moony, James needs those glasses! Not only are they one of the only things he has to attract the ladies –

- S

---

Hey! I have plenty to "attract the ladies"

- J

---

They make him look smart and without them he could accidentally walk off the Astronomy Tower.

- S

---

Ouch, that hurts. Trust me, I know.

- P

---

I suppose you have a point. James is dense enough to wander off the Astronomy Tower in a blind stupor; I suppose I'll have to think of some other form of revenge.

-M

---

How dare you mock the vision impaired! You are so heartless!

- J

---

That's just mean. You, you evil little chocoholic bookworm!

- S

---

Well, it's got nothing to do with vision actually. People walk one step at a time, if you put your foot down and there's nothing there, it's probably not a good idea for your other foot to follow. Also, if you have no way of seeing things clearly, it's hardly a good idea to go running about like an idiot. So really, it's about the common sense impaired.

-M

---

Ha! You cannot hide your evil side with all your illogical reason!

-S

---

Do you know how bad my eyes are without these metal things on me face? It's really bad. And I mean, _really_ bad.

- J

---

That's fascinating James. By the by, I have this vague memory of a question about caramel popcorn, perhaps we should answer it?

-M

---

Oh, right. About the popcorn, well, I still don't understand. Maybe it's a girl thing. Oh, I know—

- J

---

We are NOT going to bring Lily back here for this one question.

- S

---

Damn. Well, then OIGNOCP (see, now you have a nick name) you could easily owl order some Caramel Popcorn from Honeyduke's. There, a solution. That was too easy.

- J

---

Owl order? That's so _boring_. OIGNOCP (catchy isn't it?), I suggest you sneak out of the school in the dead of night and break into Honeyduke's! Yes, that's much more acceptable than _owl_ _order_.

-S

---

I like Caramel Popcorn, but not when it gets stuck in my teeth. Ick!

- P

---

Uhh... that's nice Pete. Now, a step-by-step guide on how to execute the above plan: Step 1. Steal all the sheets you can find and tie them all together in a long rope. Hide bed-sheet-rope somewhere convenient. Step 2. At the stroke of midnight tie the bed-sheet-rope to your bed and toss it out the window of your dorm. Climb down. Step 3. Sneak around the back of the castle and you'll find a locked door, in that door will be a cat-flap with "Mrs Norris" written on it in pink letters. Climb through the cat flap and you'll find yourself in the castle again. Step 4. Make your way up to the Gryffindor common room and wait outside the portrait of the fat lady. I will appear at exactly 1:00AM and escort you to a secret passageway that will lead you to the Honeyduke's cellar. Step 5. Once in the cellar we'll have access to all the caramel popcorn we could want! ... It's almost too easy.

-S

---

It would be much easier just to owl order the confectionary.

- J

---

And pay full price? What are you talking about James? My alternative is much better.

- S

---

What's the point of climbing out the dorm window if they're just going to crawl back into the castle through Mrs Norris' cat-flap?

-M

---

I think Sirius is getting a little carried away with the whole plot thing.

- J

---

It's to throw off any pursuers that may have followed them when they stole everyone's bed-sheets! Jeez Moony, you can be real thick sometimes.

-S

---

Right. Moony's the thick one.

- P

---

Sirius, sometimes I think you like to over-complicate things. She could just meet you outside the portal normally. Or if she's in Gryffindor, the common room would be even better.

- J

---

Me over-complicate? What are you talking about James? The original plan involved stealing a hippogriff and flying to Egypt.

- S

---

How the hell did you get stealing a hippogriff and flying to Egypt into a plan to pop over to the neighbouring town and getting some candy? You are insane.

- J

---

Well, _obviously_.

-M

---

Hey! I'm not insane! I'm just not _boring_ like the rest of you. If anything James is the insane one, the way he gets so worked up about Lily all the time!

-S

---

What are you talking about? I don't get worked up all the time.

- J

---

Of course not, just every week, every day and every minute.

- P

---

Quiet you.

- J

---

Hey, look there's Lily!

- P

---

Where?!

- J

---

See?

- S

---

Whenever you hear the name Lily Evans you go into a sort of, catatonic trance.

-M

---

…Lily…

- J

---

He's drooling again.

- P

---

EXPLOSIVE DIARRHOEA!

-S

---

AH!

- J

---

Sorry about that, I had to get your attention back.

-S

---

Well, how this for attention!

- J

---

Eeewwww! Moony, James just slimed me!

- S

---

Mu ha ha ha!

- J

---

I know. James that's disgusting. Sirius your hair's covered in green goo. Pete, would you mind being my human shield? Just for a moment or so?

-M

---

Yes. Yes I would mind

-P

---

NO ONE CAN ESCAPE MY SLIME ATTACK!!

- J

---

Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww! Get if off me now before it ruins my hair!

- S

---

Erk! This is so... this is _gross_. If I'd known this Advice Thingy would include getting covered in slime, I wouldn't have agreed to it. Or I would have at least brought a poncho.

-M

---

I can't believe you guys got slimed so easily. Whatever happened to CONSTANT VIGILANCE ? didn't you learn anything from ol' Mad Eye when he made that long boring speech on Career's Day?

- J

---

No, I fell asleep.

- P

---

Well, I was listening. I learnt the ten most effective ways to curse your trash bins to keep out intruders. It was rather fascinating, in an insane sort of way.

-M

---

I couldn't get over how crazy his eye was it was like, hypnotising. That and all the Auror stories, those were so cool, I think I might be one.

- S

---

So will I. But I don't think you'll get very far without CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

- J

---

Eeeeewwwwwwww Moony, he slimed me again!

- S

---

You guys are too easy.

- J

---

Well Sirius, you obviously weren't being constantly vigilant.

-M

---

Ha! He's pouting.

- P

---

Some friends you are.

- S

---

We are amazing friends. Now, I believe there was a question, and an answer to said question, in amongst the slime back there.

-M

* * *

**Dear Prongs,**

**I know that you are madly in love with Lily etc. etc... but would you ever consider dating someone else (namely me)? You are really hot and deserve to date someone who actually likes you!!**

**Yours,**

**Hazel Eyes**

---

Hey look at that James, someone actually wants to date you. Fancy that.

- S

---

What are talking about? I get just as many girls asking me out as you do. The only difference is I turn them down all the time.

- J

---

Yet they keep coming back.

- P

---

Shame the one girl you want never asks you.

- S

---

Yes, don't remind me.

- J

---

Well? Are you going to answer this girl?

-M

---

Yes I will answer. Sorry Hazel Eyes, my answer is no.

- J

---

You realise that if you go out with Hazel Eyes, you could make Lily jealous. And if she does like you, then she'll do something to get you back.

- P

---

Pete, that's the smartest thing you've ever said.

- J

---

That's a horrible plan! You shouldn't mess around with people's feelings like that! What if this Hazel Eyes girl really likes you? What are you going to say to her?

-M

---

I thought the smartest thing Pete ever said was "James is a twat"?

-S

---

Well, it's kind of obvious that I'll only ever really have feelings for Lily. So if Hazel agrees to play along, then there is no damage done.

- J

---

And I am NOT a twat!

- J

---

I say lots of smart things. You guys just don't listen.

- P

---

Yeah yeah, that's nice Pete.

-S

---

You people are mean!  
- P

---

I listen Pete, I remember when you said "Sirius is an annoying, prancing, smelly idiot." and that was pretty smart too. So are many things you've said.

-M

---

Yay! See, someone thinks I'm smart!

- P

---

What? I am not annoying! You people should be grateful that I bother to spend time with you peasants!

- S

---

Well, that's not snobbish and annoying at all... (Sarcasm intended)

-M

---

Weren't we talking about me here?

- J

---

Why would the Great Sirius Black bother to talk about anyone but himself?

- Sirius not Peter

---

Hey stop mocking me Pete!

- S

---

You know Sirius, talking to yourself is a sign of insanity.

-M

---

Hello? Me? This girl was asking me out. What should I do?

- J

---

What? I was not talking to myself!

- S

---

Sure you weren't.

- P

---

But Pete—

- S

---

Looks like you're on your own here mate. Now back to me.

- J

---

Yes. You. We were talking about how much you SHOULDN'T date this girl just to make Lily jealous. I had just given you some perfectly logical reasons not to and you were about to succumb to my logical reason.

-M

---

But she's dated heaps of guys to make _me_ jealous! Remember Flannery? She knew how much I hated him.

- J

---

She's toying with you mate. Give it up. Move on.

- S

---

Two wrongs don't make a right James, and how can you be sure she was dating him just to make _you_ jealous?

-M

---

Well, I remember that she kept smirking at me in the corridors and in lessons. She was trying to tick me off. Now, I say I give her a taste of her own medicine. Let's just see how she reacts when she realises ol' Prongsie isn't available anymore!

- J

---

Sounds like a great plan. Either way, you really need to get laid. I mean, you're so jumpy all the time.

- S

---

I am NOT jumpy!  
- J

---

But you DO need to get laid!

-S

---

Shut up. My sex life is not something to be discussing here.

- J

---

Or lack thereof.

- S

---

Quiet!

- J

---

Hey! James! Have I not made it clear how much of a VERY BAD IDEA this is?? Do you need me to spell it out for you? D-O N-O-T D-O T-H-I-S.

-M

---

Why the heck not?

- J

---

Yes, why not Moony? The boy needs some lovin'

- S

---

Because... because maybe Lily'll get put off or something! Maybe, if she likes you, she'll think you're over her and not pursue her feelings! And if she doesn't like you then she'll probably think you've gotten bored of annoying her and throw a party to celebrate.

-M

---

Well, that's a chance I'm willing to take. If she doesn't like me, as you say, then I guess she'll be happy. And if she does really like me, like I've always hoped, then she'll want to get me back. Either way, this could get me out of this rut and get me somewhere. I'm getting a little tired of chasing this girl and having her physically attack me all the time.

- J

---

Good choice mate. You should explore the sea before you settle on just one fish.

- S

---

Well... fine then. But under no circumstances is anyone to give anyone the impression that I even slightly condone this sort of behaviour.

-M

---

Don't worry Moony; we're well aware that you're a no-fun wet blanket.

- P

---

I guess you guys were right. Pete can be smart. Let the games begin!

-S

---

Haha! Moony's doing that face again!

-P

---

It's times like these I wish I had a camera.

-S

---

So Hazel Eyes, I will go out with you. Meet me outside the Gryffindor common room portal after dinner tomorrow. It's a date.

- J

* * *

**While I am writing this, please hold James down:**

**I am a 7th year Ravenclaw who has found my self madly in love with Lily Evans. (Hold him down dammit!) I have asked her on a date to the next Hogsmeade trip, and she has accepted. Any advice on what to do, so James doesn't kill me?**

**-Raven in Danger**

**PS. Please don't kill me James.**

**PPS. Or injure me.**

**PPPS. At all.**

**PPPPS. In any way.**

**PPPPPS. This goes for all of you.**

**PPPPPPS. HELP!**

---

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'M SO GOING TO KILL YOU!!!

- J

---

Oh dear. Raven better run or fly. James is on a rampage.

- P

---

James! Calm down!

-M

---

I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! THIS BASTARD MUST DIE!

- J

---

No James, this perfectly pleasant person must _not_ die. You must calm down and come to your senses.

-M

---

AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

- J

---

I'm on James' side here. What kind of idiot dares to touch James' woman, and then rubs it in his face? He's practically committing suicide.

- S

---

MUST DIE!

- J

---

I know. He must be thicker than me.

- P

---

Well, I think I should just say, that James was asking for it. After all, who decided that going out with another girl was the best way to get Lily to date him? And who said, very clearly, that that was a VERY BAD IDEA? But I do agree that asking Lily out when James is alive is perhaps not the best move for someone who wants to live to their next birthday.

-M

---

DIE!

- J

---

You see, that's why I'm never going to get all hooked up on just one girl. Too much stress. James looks like he's about to explode. Or at least shred the desk into wood chips. He's so pissed; I can't even describe it.

- S

---

Poor James. I think Raven deserves whatever James does to him for daring to submit such a hurtful question. And not to mention daring to ask out Lily. He's a dead-man.

- P

---

Sorry Raven in Danger, when James is like this he just won't listen to reason. In fact, when James is like _anything_ he won't listen to reason.

-M

---

Hey! I've thought of a way to describe how pissed James looks! Okay, think constipated splodgy red tomato, and times that by a billion, and you'll be halfway there.

-S

---

Look at that, he's so angry; he keeps snapping the quills every time he tries to write. Poor guy.

- P

---

Hmm… Actually I think that's a bit less then halfway there... perhaps if the constipated spoldgy red tomato were breathing fire and had steam coming out of it's ears (or whatever it is tomatoes would have instead of ears) and it's hands were covered in ink from all the quills it'd snapped.

-M

---

Poor poor guy. You really can't help but feel sorry for him. I mean, the girl of his dreams is being snatched away by some older loser who probably doesn't have half the muscles as James. It must really hurt. Five Galleons he's going to break down and cry before the end of the question.

- P

---

I'll take that bet; my James is too tough to cry on the Advice Thingy. Or at least I hope so.

- S

---

Oh dear... I'll go get some Comfort Chocolate in case things get out of hand.

-M

---

I think he'll need it soon. He's quickly progressing through the stages.

- P

---

What stages?

- S

---

I call them the Heart-Break Stages. First there's anger. Followed by more anger, then extreme anger, then even more extreme anger—

- P

---

I think he's on the fourth stage.

- S

---

…then heart-breaking depression. That's the last stage, but the fourth stage usually lasts a while.

- P

---

What about the Axe-Wielding-Homicidal-Maniac-Extreme-Anger? I thought that was next? Or is it a part of Stage Four?

-M

---

That's in between stage Four and Five. Usually a good time to lock the room and run away for a few days.

- P

---

Breathe James, breathe. I promise that if you calmly put down the samurai sword, I'll help you get revenge. BREATHE GODDAMN YOU!  
- S

---

MUST…KILL…RAVEN!  
- J

---

James, this is the only time you'll ever hear me say this, listen to Sirius. No Samurai swords. No Killing.

-M

---

Well, at least he's writing again. It's a good sign. Trust me.

- P

---

RAVEN MUST DIE A HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PAINFUL DEATH!!

- J

---

Let's just make sure he doesn't start writing in Raven's blood.

-M

---

Maybe not yet, but I wouldn't make any bets if I were you. It's only a matter of time really.

- S

---

James! Sit down! Do some breathing exercises! One's that don't involve stabbing other people with Samurai swords!

-M

---

Where'd he get that anyway?

- P

---

He transfigured a pillow into it. McGonagall always told us Transfiguration was dangerous. I never realised it until now.

- S

---

Oh really? What about the time we used Transfiguration to teach you a lesson about animal cruelty? I thought you realised it then, when you were in the tentacles of the glamorous Giant Squid? Or don't you remember?

-M

---

I REMEMBER. I JUST DON'T LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT.

-S

---

Uh, I think it'd be better if we only had one homicidal Marauder at a time, y'know?

-P

---

IF I EVER SEE RAVEN HE WILL DIE SOOO BADLY!

- J

---

Is that even possible?

- P

---

DON'T CARE! HE WILL DIE ANYWAY!

- J

---

Hey! I just realised something! Raven in Danger was actually asking a question! Okay... Raven in Danger, the only advice I can give you is this: Run and hide. And even if you do that there's no guarantee.

-M

---

Run away to Mexico and change your name to Lopez. NOW. Before it's too late.

-S

---

MUST DIE! MUST… die… die…

- J

---

Oh, look he's calming down.

- P

---

Die…

- J

---

You okay now mate?

-S

---

No, I'm miserable.

- J

---

Would you like some chocolate? I have chocolate frogs?

-M

---

Poor guy. Please cry; I really need those five Galleons.

- P

---

O-o-ok. Maybe it'll help.

- J

---

Oh crap. Are those tears I see? My God, James, what ever happened?

- S

---

Here, chocolate ALWAYS helps. Don't be put off by Sirius and Peter's betting.

-M

---

My life is over. I might as well jump off the Astronomy Tower.

- J

---

And now he has reached stage Five. Complete and utter heart-breaking depression.

- P

---

Sirius, can you turn that sword back before he commits traditional hari-kari?

-M

---

Thanks Moony. It's nice to have someone who cares.

- J

---

What's that?

- P

---

It's sort of like jumping off the astronomy tower, except with samurai swords and not from so high up.

-M

---

Isn't that supposed to be some-sort of honourable suicide? I saw a muggle movie about Ninjas and Samurais in the summer. Was very interesting.

- S

---

I can't believe that it's over. After six years. All for nothing.

- J

---

Now now James, that's not strictly true. Maybe she was drunk when she accepted? Or maybe she was sleep talking? Or maybe she momentarily lost her mind?

-M

---

Or maybe she was trying to make you jealous. Or even more jealous. Maybe she secretly likes you, just like you've been saying all these years.

- S

---

You really think so?

- J

---

I agree with Sirius. Yes, that's probably what this is.

-M

---

Aww, you guys are the bestest.

- J

---

Okay, just stop getting tears on my jumper. It's Moony's and he'll kill me if it gets damaged.

- S

---

YES I WILL.

-M

---

Great. Why am I the only non-murderous inclined person here?

- P

---

Is there anymore chocolate left Moony? I think I really need some more right now.

- J

---

You know, James, I'm very disappointed in you. You lost me five Galleons. I was going to use that money to buy you a Christmas present. And now Pete has it. I hope you're happy.

- S

---

I'm VERY happy.

- P

---

I'm glad SOMEONE is happy. You unsympathetic berks.

- J

---

I have more chocolate, except it's dark… I hope you don't mind.

-M

---

As long as it isn't bitter. I don't want be sick as well as depressed.

- J

---

Well, I hate to put salt on new wounds, but wasn't there a question here?

- P

---

Grrr…

- J

---

Sorry.

- P

---

Perhaps that wasn't a good idea to bring it back up Pete.

- S

---

Perhaps it wasn't. Anyway, I'm sure we answered it somewhere... If you just _look_ hard enough there's an answer. I think. And, it isn't bitter by the way James. It's nice and sugar-y.

-M

---

If I ever see Raven, I swear I will trample him so bad that no-one will even be able to recognise him in the end.

- J

---

Oh, look at that evil glint in his eyes. My James has returned! Okay, now that you're neither crazy with rage or crying like a girl, let's talk revenge.

- S

---

What do you have in mind Sirius?

- J

---

This will be so fun!

- S

---

What about Hazel? What are you going to do with her?

- P

---

You know, I think someone mentioned that Hazel was a VERY BAD IDEA? I can't remember whom though...?

-M

---

Oh, I dumped her yesterday. She was getting too clingy. Sorry Hazel, but there are a whole lot of reasons that I dumped you. But seeing as you've dated Sirius several times, I suppose you're used to it.

- J

---

High five old pal, that's the way to do it!

- S

---

Okay, now back to revenge.

- J

---

Right, well, I think that's enough. Raven in Danger, I suggest you go ahead with the running away to Mexico and changing your name to Lopez plan. I can hear James and Sirius planning and it's... not pretty. If I were you I would RUN AND HIDE.

-M

---

Sounds like Raven will get what he deserves. So I guess, that old saying is right. What goes around comes around, or really, if you mess with Lily, James will kill you. Simple as that.

- P

* * *

_A/N: Thanks for all your reviews! They mean so much to us! And please keep sending us any questions or suggestions you have:)_

_I hope you liked this chapter, the next one's a nice Lily one for all those Lily fans out there ;)_

_-discombobulated.shoe_

_Yay! I had so much fun with this chapter. The only problem is it's kind of hard to show emotions cos you can't describe them. _

_Sorry if you think the rating is too low for mentions and references of sex. If you are under the age of 15 or are rather immature, you had better skip the next chapter. (hint). Well, maybe it is. You will just have to all wait and see. _

_Yes, Lily will be back next. And she's as fantastic as ever. I would class the next chapter as a turning point in the story line. Much happens. Maybe you can already guess what happens. Maybe I have given too much away. But I'm hoping all you readers are very thick and are completely clueless of what will happen next. But I suppose if you are reading, you must have above-average intelligence. Damn. _

_Anyway, remember to submit all your wonderful questions. But I must warn you. School has started for both Shoe and I (yes, we go to the same school. Fancy that) and updates may take a little longer than they have lately. Especially since I'm now in yr 11 and my teachers are ruthless in homework delegating. But with luck, Shoe and I might be able to find time in between homework and my work to get questions answered, so not all is lost. But it's just a warning of course. _

_R&R and we'll try and post the Lily chapter soon. _

_Ciao_

_- Tiger-Cub684_


	18. Chapter 18

_A/N: Chapter the Eighteenth: The Return Of Lily Evans (at last)

* * *

_

**Dear Lily (and, um, Marauders...?)**

**You should look beneath the surface, and what seems to be. 'Snot healthy. Well, it isn't _un_healthy, but it definitely isn't good. So yeah. Don't do it. Yeah. So Lily Billy, here's my question: Since James is such a good guy (Seriously, if you haven't figured it out yet, then you better hop to it, Miss Billy, 'cause James Junior's not gonna make himself!), why don't you just, well, GO OUT WITH HIM. What could it seriously hurt? You're making me MAD…Okay. I'm good. So Lily Billy, watcha gonna do?**

**Sincerely,**

**Expectant**

---

James Junior? _Excuse_ _me?_

-L

---

What the? James junior? Is she suggesting what I think she is?

- J

---

You know, I am getting really tired of people telling me what to do. Why can't they just LEAVE ME ALONE and GET ON WITH THIER OWN LIVES!

- L

---

She does make a point though. I mean, James Junior ISN'T going to make himself. That's just stupid to think otherwise. Not that it really matters now.

- P

---

I WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH JAMES JUNIOR.

-L

---

You bet it doesn't. Sometimes I think these people go a little too far.

- S

---

Well… I don't care, because me and Hazel are real happy.

- J

---

Oh.

- L

---

I thought you said you dumped her?

- P

---

Shut it Pete.

- J

---

James? You know that little voice in your head that tells you what's a VERY BAD IDEA? Maybe you should listen to it once in a while.

-M

---

Why? Since when has it even been right? Never.

- J

---

You dumped her? … Well, I don't care. Me and Jack are...are... okay.

- L

---

You don't sound very convincing.

–M

---

Why was he making out with Steph this morning? He doesn't seem the type to cheat.

- S

---

He was? How dare... Okay, fine. I broke it up with him yesterday.

- L

---

Really? That's interesting.

- J

---

Why?

-P

---

I'd rather not say.

- L

---

You can't keep things secret here Lily Billy, spill it.

- S

---

Call me that again and I'll rip out your spleen.

-L

---

Are you always this mean? Because I'm yet to see this "nice" side that James keeps talking about. Not that he would have ever experienced it either. Meanie.

- S

---

I am NOT a meanie. I just won't tolerate you...or Potter.

- L

---

But the question still waits. Why did you dump Mr. Jack? Eh?

- J

---

I just… He was... I... He liked someone else. Okay?

- L

---

Was it because he decided to change his name to Lopez and move to Mexico?

-S

---

_Sure_ he did (sarcasm intended.) See Moony? I can be sarcastic too!

- P

---

That's very well done Pete.

-M

---

Well, he was very jumpy. Always leapt three feet in the air anytime the name "James" was mentioned.

- L

---

So he should. Dirty little –

-J

---

Um… We didn't have anything to do with that. At all.

-M

---

_Sure_, nothing at all (is sarcastic again.) Yay! I'm on a roll here.

- P

---

Well, _I_ didn't. Not really. It was in his best interests.

-M

---

You've heard why I dumped Jack, it's your turn Potter. Why did you dump Hazel? - L

---

What is this? "Explanation Weekly"?

- S

---

It is now.

-L

---

I got rid of Hazel because...she was getting way to annoying. Wouldn't leave me alone for a second. I should've listened to Moony when he said not to go out with her. Big mistake. She's still sending me owls, begging me to take her back. Strange girl.

- J

---

She sounds like you.

- P

---

No she doesn't, shut up Pete.

- J

---

Yes she does. And you should ALWAYS listen to Moony.

-M

---

Except when he tells you to do silly things, like study for exams or not fling peas across the table onto the book he's reading.

–S

---

You are SO modest Moony. If you're going to be this big headed, I'm never going to admit you were right ever again.

- J

---

I like peas.

- P

---

Well, it's either that or major I-told-you-so-ing. You can choose.

-M

---

It seems that you dumped Hazel after something rather petty. If I were that petty, I would've moved schools after Third Year to get away from you.

- L

---

You got burned!  
- P

---

Quiet Pete. Well, you know what? I don't care what you think anymore, 'cos I'm so over you Lily Evans. You and all you're "I'm so smart and pretty". I can't take it anymore.

-J

---

O-oh! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

-S

---

Really? ... Oh, well... Good. Because all this stalking has been really annoying. I'm glad you don't... like me any more. I knew you would give up. You're weak Potter. Weak!

- L

---

You're calling ME weak? If I'm weak, then you're a mean old hag who likes to bring pain for fun!

- J

---

Ten sickles on Lily! ... I mean. Calm down you two... ahem.

-M

---

CAT FIGHT!

-S

---

But James is a... Ooohhh. I get it.

- P

---

Old? I am not old! You're five months older than me! If I'm old, then you're _ancient_. An ancient weak arse who stalks people.

- L

---

How did she know he was five months older?

- P

---

I think someone's a bit of a stalker! And a HYPOCRITE!

-S

---

Shut up Black before I make you!

- L

---

Now, now. I think everyone should just take a few deep breaths and calm down. Let's discuss this like civilized people, who are not homicidal, and are not going to eat each other. How does that sound?

-M

---

Boring. Besides, I take you up on your earlier bet of ten Sickles, my James will not disappoint me!

-S

---

You're such a stuck-up little brat that you wouldn't even realise what love really is if it hit you in the face!

- J

---

Go Jamesie! Go!

-S

---

C'mon Lily! You're not going to take that sort of talk from _him!_

-M

---

You're an immature berk who give's up so easily that my goldfish could have a better argument than you!

- L

---

You're the immature one!

- J

---

No you are!

- L

---

No you!

- J

---

No you!

- L

---

No you.

- J

---

No you!  
- L

---

No you!

-P

---

No you!

- J

---

No you!

- L

---

Did you realise how cute you are when you're angry?

- J

---

No you! … Huh?

- L

---

She's blushing again!

- P

---

We should have a counter or something...

-M

---

Really, you do.

- J

---

Oh. Thanks.

- L

---

Ah yes, like a fire-breathing demon is cute when it's collecting souls for the depths of hell... Really cute.

-S

---

That's the first time I've given you a complement without you hitting me.

- J

---

Is it? Am I really that violent?

- L

---

'Fraid so.

- J

---

Maybe I should change...  
– L

---

Don't change. I like you the way you are.

- J

---

Awwww, it's like Blush Mania here!  
- P

---

Who won? It was Lily wasn't it. That's ten sickles Sirius.

-M

---

No, James didn't get punched or slapped or otherwise injured. And for him that's a triumph. HE WON. Pay up.

-S

---

You know, I've always liked your hair. It's really wild.

- L

---

Thanks, I've always liked your smile. Those dimples you get are adorable.

- J

---

God, could you two just get a room!

-S

---

Huh? Are you all still here?

- J

---

We will NOT get a room. Because are not doing anything. How dare you suggest there was anything between Potter and me? You berk!

- L

---

Great. Thanks a lot Sirius. I was finally getting somewhere and you ruined it she's right, you are a berk!  
- J

---

That's nice Lily, but I wasn't the one oogling James "wild" hair just then.

-S

---

Hmm… I think you are effectively proving Expectant's point here, Lily.

-M

---

Quiet all of you. I'm leaving. Goodbye!

- L

---

Good one fellers, now you've scared her off. Why must you always do this to me?

- J

---

Because you're making us chunder. Continuously.

-S

---

And Lily is clearly in denial, it's frustrating watching you two run around in circles, just get on with it already!

-M

---

I can't believe you all, especially _you_ Pete!

- J

---

What did I do?!

- P

---

I'm going. Answer the questions by yourself!

- J

---

Sirius, chain James to the chair please. We don't have time for this immaturity, we have questions to answer.

-M

---

And five became three. I still don't get what I did.

– P

---

Right, Sirius go after James, I'll track down Lily. Peter, go to the kitchens and get chocolate, LOTS of chocolate. We need bribing material.

-M

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**There's this guy. He's liked me for the past couple of years but I didn't like him. Now I'm starting to. What should I do?**

**-Crushing at Hogwarts**

---

I wonder who this person is? Shame James is still missing. He's always got good ideas.

- P

---

Yes Sirius, it IS a shame James isn't here. I thought I told you to fetch him?

-M

---

I tried, but I can't believe he managed to hide so well. He's even eluded the Map, I mean, the tracking spell, which we used to try and find him. Slippery bugger.  
- S

---

Well, I found Lily. She ran up into the girls' dormitories and I'm not dense enough to try and follow her. So... I suppose we should answer the question and wait for them to cool off.

-M

---

I got the chocolate!

-P

---

The box is empty!

- S

---

I got hungry.

- P

---

Well then that's just _dandy_ isn't it? Note the sarcasm.

-M

---

Sarcasm noted.

-P

---

What was the question again?

- S

---

Someone likes someone else, and the someone else is starting to return someone's feelings. I think that's it.

- P

---

You lost me at someone.

- S

---

That's all right, I remember the question. Crushing at Hogwarts: maybe you should give this person you like a chance, I mean, if he's liked you for years than he'll hardly reject you if you ask him out. That way you can go on a date and see whether you enjoy yourself or not.

-M

---

You know, that situation sounds oddly familiar…

- P

---

Wait a second... she's asking advice because she likes someone who likes her back? What's there to ask? My advice: find some secluded corner and snog his brains out. And then everything else will follow.

-S

---

I think, that in James' absence, I should try and think like he would, so we're not missing his in… um… ideas. Here goes: I think Lily should follow that advice too. I love Lily, she is the world. Lily, Lily, Lily.

- P

---

Whoa that sounds just like him!

- S

---

You know, if he were here, I think that's _exactly_ what he'd say. Down to the very last word.

-M

---

Really? Then what do we need James for? I can just pretend to be him. All the Lily obsession, half the annoyance.

- P

---

I dunno, I would miss James'… I think I would just miss James. I mean, we've been best friends since First Year. As much as you try, I don't think you'd be able to replace that. Also, we'd need to get rid of you and Moony to have half the annoyance.

- S

---

Oh. Well, I tried.

- P

---

Do the James impression again!

- S

---

Lily, Lily, Lily. She is as pretty as a flower and I'm so pathetic that I'll never get a date with her.

- P

---

With the voice too!

-M

---

That's hilarious! Just like James!

- S

---

Why are my supposed "friends" mocking me? I'm gone for two hours, and suddenly this is a "James Mocking Thingy". Some friends you are.

- J

---

Oh, hi mate. You're back!  
- S

---

We're not necessarily _mocking_ you, but since you ran off we needed a temporary replacement. And besides, you have to admit, it's a pretty accurate impersonation really.

-M

---

It is not. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't transfigure you all into mice and feed you all to Mrs. Norris.

- J

---

Because were your friends…?

- S

---

I said GOOD reason.

- J

---

Ah! Cat!  
- P

---

Because we would give Mrs. Norris indigestion and it would be considered animal cruelty to feed us to her, making _you_ a hypocrite?

-M

---

Hmmm, you do make a good point.

- J

---

And, we may be able to figure out a way for you to get a date with Lily... but you don't want that! So get on with the transfiguring, and feed us to the cat.

-M

---

Does our friendship really mean nothing to you?

- S

---

Fine. I won't feed you to Mrs. Norris. But if you people mock me anymore, I'm going to feed Peter to the giant squid. Understand?

- J

---

What! Why me?

- P

---

Really James, you seem a little on edge. Is something bothering you?

-M

---

YES SOMETHING IS BOTHERING ME!

- J

---

What? I can't imagine what we have done?

- S

---

YOU JUST RUNINED ANY CHANCE I EVER HAD WITH LILY. SOUND FAMILIAR?

- J

---

Oh, that.

- P

---

YES THAT.

- J

---

No we didn't. You just want to put the blame on anyone but yourself and Lily. Really, it's rather obvious that she's beginning to like you back and you two are hopping around in circles like headless frogs instead of just getting on with it. Like the simile? I thought of it myself.

-M

---

I think that the simile is rather inappropriate. And it is hardly our fault. If you people hadn't - did you just say that she likes me?

- J

---

Yes.

-M

---

Does that mean I won't be fed to the giant squid?

- P

---

Don't worry Pete; I think you're safe. For now.

- S

---

What? How can you tell? Did I miss something here? Did she say something?

- J

---

No. I mean, apart from all the oogling and "Oh I've always liked your _wild_ hair James!" et cetera et cetera ad nausaem. Then nothing really. Oh and when I was looking for her, I ran into one of her roommates, they said she'd submitted a question about you, James. I wonder which question that would be?

-M

---

Oh! Oh! It's this one isn't it! Am I right? Am I right?

-P

---

Yes, Pete. Yes you are.

-M

---

YAY!

-P

---

Really after all this time - no it can't be true.

- J

---

My God, I think he's switched brains with Pete.

- S

---

Really? I HAVE JAMES' BRAIN!?

-P

---

No. Sirius is just being stupid. As USUAL!

- J

---

Damn.

- P

---

And by that you really mean, "Sirius is just being the greatest, perfectest and better looking-est as USUAL."

-S

---

No, I think he meant what he said.

-M

---

You know, as much as I'd _love_ to believe you, I just can't. The _only_ way I'm going to believe that Lily really does like me, after six years, would be if she told me, in person. Not from some messenger or amateur Sherlock Holmes.

- J

---

Well, I doubt you'll ever hear it from her unless you step up your game a little. Less of Sirius' serenades, less cheap Valentine's Day cards with personal messages (written by Sirius), Less chocolates in heart shaped boxes (purchased by Sirius from Zonko's) and less tactless ways of asking her out (planned by Sirius). Actually, just less Sirius.

-M

---

Hey! The only reason he's gotten as far as he has is because of me!

-S

---

And how far's that?

-M

---

As far as she is, hiding in her dorm, refusing to come out. All me.

- S

---

That's not something to be proud of.

- J

---

Well, it's further that you'd ever have gotten without me.

- S

---

For some reason I doubt that.

-M

---

You know, I'm starting to think that if you hadn't ever gotten involved, I might actually already be going out with her right now. Maybe even celebrating an anniversary.

- J

---

You doubt everything. You - you - Doubting Thomas

- P

---

Doubting Thomas?

-M

---

Yes, well, I read about him in some muggle book called The Bibble.

- P

---

You mean the Bible.

- J

---

Yes, that.

- P

---

Why were you reading the Bible? That's a religious book you know.

- J

---

Aunt Polly's birthday. I was desperate.

- P

---

Sounds like it. Only religious muggles read the Bible. And they'd have to be really religious.

- J

---

Actually the Bible is the best selling book in the world. The muggle world that is.

-M

---

Indeed. Anyway, yes, Moony is one big doubting machine. And I, the great Sirius Black, am in no way the fault of James' lack of a love life.

- S

---

What, you are the _entire_ cause of my lack of love life.

- J

---

You do realise you could go on forever? And then some. So maybe we should concentrate on the matter at hand.

-M

---

What? That Lily may or may not really like me? I thought it was settled. I'm not believing anything unless she admits it herself.

- J

---

So, you have to get into a situation wherein she does.

-M

---

How am I supposed to do that?

- J

---

That, my friend, is the matter at hand.

-M

---

I know! Kidnap her and don't let her go until she admits her undying love for you!

- S

---

NO!  
- J

---

That's kind of twisted.

- P

---

Which is exactly why you shouldn't listen to Sirius' relationship advice.

-M

---

What? I don't care how he does it, as long as I don't have to hear another verse of Ode to Lily again.

- S

---

_You_ wrote the song!

- J

---

So? It doesn't mean that I have to like it.

- S

---

Well, regardless of whether you plan to serenade or kidnap, we need Lily for the next question.

-M

---

Who's going to get her?

- J

---

I think Moony should. She seems to be the nicest to him.

- P

---

Okay then, I'll bring her here and James, you can charm her into confessing undying love.

-M

---

With his hair-ruffling Potter Charm?

-S

---

No, with chocolate. And hair-ruffling if he must.

-M

---

Shut it Sirius. I think we should tie you up for the next question.

- J

---

You people just get her!

- J

---

Why do all Moony's suggestions involve chocolate?

-P

---

Because _no one_ can resist chocolate.

-M

---

Because he's got a disease. The Chocoholic disease.

- S

---

So? At least I don't have herpes (that's right female population of Hogwarts, guess what Sirius has?) Anyway, I'll fetch Lily while you realise that this is a question and should be answered properly.

-M

---

So it's settled. Remus will get Lily, and I will try and find a way for her to admit her feelings for me, if said feelings do exist.

- J

* * *

**Dear Lily**

**I was going through the Transfiguration notes that you lent me, to help me study for the test, and I couldn't help noticing that all the 'i's were dotted with hearts. Also, when I turned the page, I was shocked to see name "James" written over and over and surrounded by hearts. And in the bottom corner, I could've sworn I saw a "Mrs. James Potter" and even a "Lily Potter". **

**What is the meaning of this? I thought you hated Potter. Did the house elves steal your notes and write stuff on them again? Because all this James stuff is getting a little strange. And I swear it looked like your handwriting. **

**Please explain.**

**- Are You In Love?**

---

Oh drat.

- L

---

Huh?

- J

---

Glad you're back with us Lily! This one's for you, so what's the answer?

-M

---

Um… house elves. Yes, that's it. They keep stealing my work and writing things on it. Damn those elves. Hehe. Elves.

- L

---

_Sure_. House elves. Yeah right.

- P

---

House elves…?

- J

---

For some reason I'm finding it hard to believe you.

-M

---

Something to do with the shifty eyes.

-S

---

Mrs. James Potter…?

- J

---

Great, his brain is broken again. Good thing we didn't switch.

- P

---

Why are you all looking at me like that? What? It wasn't me! Stop staring.

- L

---

Um... James? Mate? Are you okay? Blink twice if you can hear me. Just blink.

-S

---

Lily Potter…?

- J

---

He's like the un-dead, except he's more like the un-blinking-broken-brained, than dead.

- P

---

Sirius, I don't think now is the time for having a staring contest with him.

-M

---

Oh, c'mon! I can win I know it!

-S

---

No one can beat the un-blinking-broken-brained.

- P

---

Nah, I can... God my eyes _sting!_

-S

---

Can someone get him to stop staring at me; it's really creepy.

- L

---

…You…?

- J

---

Maybe you should answer all James' brain dead questions of "Mrs. James Potter?" and "...you...?"

-M

---

If you're trying to say something, you're going to have to be _a_ _little_ quicker.

- L

---

dhouiernpoiselkrnopiassd?

- J

---

Think before you speak.

- L

---

Do you really like me?

- J

---

Why suddenly so quiet Lily?

- S

---

Was it you who sent in the last question?  
- J

---

…Maybe…

- L

---

Is that a maybe yes or maybe no?

-M

---

Maybe... maybe.

-L

---

Spit it out woman!  
- S

---

Yes. I did send in that last question.

- L

---

Then, does that mean, you like me?

- J

---

No, James I don't like you.

- L

---

But… but –

- J

---

James, I love you.

- L

---

Oh.

- J

---

My God, after six years, she's finally admitted it.

- P

---

I suppose, "I told you so" just doesn't cut it...

-M

---

Lily, I love you too!  
J

---

Ahem... Now will you get a room?

-S

---

That didn't take long- Ewww, it's so gross! Will you two please listen to Sirius and get a room!

- P

---

Okay then.

- J

---

No! Not our dorm!

- P

---

No! My chocolate is in there! _Don't touch my chocolate!_

-M

---

Eat it James! EAT THE CHOCOLATE!

-S

---

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

-M

---

No! That's mine to eat!

- P

---

Fine, stay here, just take a breath will you, I never knew how nauseating it was to watch people snog.

- S

---

Now do you understand how bad it was for us all these years?

- J

---

Forget him. Come here Jamsie.

- L

---

Great, not again.

- P

---

Really, why don't you just _eat_ each other's tongues?

-S

---

What fun would that be?

- J

---

Honestly, get a broom cupboard.

-M

---

And scar those poor brooms for life? How could you think of such things Remus?

- L

---

Better them than me.

-M

---

What about us? You think we won't be scarred for life?

- S

---

Clearly we value the poor brooms over you. With all they've have to put up with because of you Sirius, I don't want them to suffer any more.

- J

---

This is torture; I don't condone torture, especially when _I_ am the one being tortured. I have to go hide in our dorm with Moony's chocolate now, before my innocence is destroyed.

-S

---

Innocence? Since when have you ever had any innocence?

- J

---

Well, you can't see it _now_. YOU JUST BLOODY DESTROYED IT DIDN'T YOU?

-S

---

Hey James, you know what would be fun?

- L

---

No, what?

- J

---

whisper whisper whisper.

-L

---

Oh. You dirty girl. Let's go!

- J

---

What? What? What's going on???

-P

---

I think it's best that we don't know Pete. Go James go. 'Bout time he got some action.

- S

---

Indeed. Just so long as it's not in public, or in front of _me_, I am happy for him.

-M

---

At least he's gone. Damn, the image is burned into my mind.

- P

---

I think I saw that First Year, Donald Creevy taking photos... Strange boy...

-M

---

Well, at least we won't have to hear James going on about Lily anymore.

- P

---

Are you kidding? Now that they're going out, he's be obsessing even _more_.

- S

---

Lord! Why have you forsaken us?

-M

---

Well, what should we do now James and Lily are snogging each other's brains out and we've answered the question? I know! Who wants firewhiskey?

- S

---

I do!  
- P

---

I know you do Pete, you always do.

- S

---

I don't. Just incase you were wondering, which I know you weren't by the way.

-M

---

Yes, because everyone knows you're a no-fun wet blanket. Speaking of which, why aren't you out with Cassey? Weren't you going to go out with her tonight?

- S

---

It's a school night Sirius, besides, we're working on the Advice Thingy.

-M

---

Since when is major snogging, and maybe even more, considered the Advice Thingy?

- S

---

SINCE NEVER. Lily and James should be LOCKED UP. Silly people.

-M

---

They're not silly, they're in love. Or is that the same thing, like being in love and being crazy?

- P

---

Yes, yes it is Pete. It's all the same thing.

- S

---

Okay then.

- P

---

Right, in conclusion James and Lily are officially going out. Be warned, the have NO REGARD for innocent bystanders, even their closest friends have been subject to cruel and unusual punishments for NO PARTICULAR REASON. Some call it love, some call it insanity, I call it "Stay Away Or Be Prepared To Gouge Your Own Eyes Out." Sirius Black, Hogwarts.

-S

* * *

_A/N:Yay:D See? Lookie, a nice long Lily chapter full of vague plot and other exciting things. Hope you like it:)_

_Thanks so much to everyone who's reviewed/asked a question/made a suggestion! We **really** appreciate it! Feel free to send in more questions and/or suggestions you have and review away:))_

_Um… there were a lot of exclamation points in there… counts them… Oh, only four. But still, **four**… Okey dokey, I'm done :D_

_- discombobulated.shoe._

_Yay! That was defiantly my favourite chapter yet! It was great how the first 2 questions ended up paving the way for the third. I submitted the third question, by the way. This chapter wasn't really planned, cos none of them are, but it just came all together so perfectly. Yay! _

_**Now** you people know why I asked for no more Lily questions until now. Feel free to submit more lily questions now, just all keep in mind that now She and James are a couple, so the usual lily-question topic will have to change to something more relating to the story's plot. If you understood what I just said. I hope you did. _

_That is the longest chapter yet. It's like 30 pages. 30 PAGES! Woah! _

_Thanks to all the reviewers. You are so fantastic! hugs you all Thanks ever so much for all the support and reviews and questions. We do love them so much!_

_Please keep sending in more questions, ideas etc, and you can expect the next chapter in a few weeks. Maybe a fortnight. Or a month. shudders we'll be as quick as we can, but I'm sure you all know how merciless teachers can be, and our school has some of the mercilessess. Damn that private catholic school. _

_Thanks once again, and I'll see you next chapter…whenever that will be._

_- Tiger-Cub684_


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Chapter 19, wherein Sirius has a change of heart, Mr. Tiddles is revealed, and sarcasm runs rampant. **

**

* * *

Dear Sirius,**

**I have this hair. It's copper-brown. And it changes color, you see. Sometimes it looks like black, then when I look at it, it's dark brown, and there are times too when it's brownish blond. What kind of shampoos, conditioners and hair treatments can you suggest to make my hair more beautiful? I know you're the one who can give the best advise in this kind of problem since your hair is so elegant.**

**-xybolic**

**PS. Can I touch your hair? Even just one strand! Pretty please? **

---

Um... actually, I think Sirius is the ONLY person on EARTH who could give advice about hair. Despite whether one believes his hair to be elegant or has mistaken it to be a dead possum.

-M

**---**

Well, I use a special potion of sandalwood, lavender, rose oil, pixie-flowers and a dash of olive oil. But I'm sure anything you find at any good potions shop would do just fine.

- S

---

Looks like you found Sirius' specialty topic.

- J

---

Shut up Moony, dead possum my arse. Anyway, I've found that if you can't seem to find that particular potion, flea-shampoo works really well as a substitute. But I wouldn't recommend it for getting rid of fleas.

-S

---

No, all it does is smell so bad; it repels everything but fleas. In fact, I think it's a flea aphrodisiac.

– J

---

Because no matter what shampoo you use, there will always be a James or a Sirius waiting just around the corner, a bucket withering with fleas in each hand.

-M

---

I don't like fleas.

-P

---

I know that.

- J

---

So, well, now that the question's been taken care of…

- S

---

I know, lets talk about Lily-

- J

---

That's not exactly what I had in mind.

- S

---

In fact, the only person who had that remotely anywhere near their mind is James.

-M

---

Lily is so wonderful; she said she'd teach me how to do that spell in charms that I keep getting wrong.

- J

---

That's _fascinating_ James. It is so incredibly fascinating that I think I'm going to pour candle wax into my ears.

-M

---

Good idea, but I'd go for the less painful option of sewing James' mouth shut. Well, less painful for _me_ anyway.

-S

---

Isn't that the charm that Moony tried to teach you?

- P

---

Yes, but Moony isn't a very good teacher

- J

---

Maybe you're just not a very good student?

-M

---

No, maybe he's just obsessed with Lily and wants any excuse to spend time with her. Somehow I doubt much learning will get done

- S

---

I'm not intending to stick around and find out.

-M

---

…Lily…

- J

---

Last time James and Lily had a tutoring session, they went into the broom closet in the fourth floor corridor.

-P

---

He's even worse than before they were going out.

- S

---

That reminds me, I can't do that prank with you guys tonight. I'm meeting Lily in the library.

- J

---

What! What ever happened to camaraderie? What about our mantra? "Bros before hoes" and all that? WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO??

-S

---

I would greatly appreciate it if you didn't refer to Lily as a "ho". And it's not like this is the first time. I mean, how many times have you ever held up a prank for one of your "dates" huh? The only difference this time is that it's me, and I'm with Lily.

- J

---

Well yeah but... but... that's different! It's... different. Yeah.

-S

---

You don't seem to be making much sense Padfoot.

-M

---

He's just jealous because not I'm the one with a girl and Sirius hasn't "dated" anyone in a week.

- J

---

A week? It's been that long? Wow...

-M

---

Hey, I could get any girl I wanted. I just, don't want to. At the moment. I mean this prank is going to be SPECTACULAR and I didn't want to miss out on a second of it. Unlike JAMES you seems to delight in scheduling dates EXACTLY when we need you around. I say we prank him next, for DESTORYING MY SOUL.

-S

---

I didn't destroy anything. And since when does mentally scarring the Slytherins for life considered "spectacular"

- J

---

Because of... your FACE. Har har. Um...

-S

---

You know, people'd think you were coming up with excuses Sirius.

-P

---

Me? Excuses? What in the world are you talking about?

- S

---

Just admit it Sirius; you are jealous that I have finally gotten the girl of my dreams and you are left "one-night-standing" all the desperate wannabes.

- J

---

You know, you've just called half the school "desperate wannabes".

-S

---

I know I did. And I don't regret it. Compared to Lily, that's all they are.

- J

---

Ah, so Sirius, are you finally tired of your ficklesome frolicking and ready for a serious relationship. (If you even MENTION that pun I will smother you with James' teddy tonight.)

-M

---

No, I am not tired of my frolicking. Siriusly Moony, what did you expect? (Ha! I fear not Mr. Tiddles!)

-S

---

What are you talking about? I don't have a teddy bear and if I did it certainly wouldn't be called Mr. Tiddles with fluffy brown fur and a little nightcap, certainly not. Silly people...hehe, with vivid imaginations.

- J

---

Hehehe, James is 16 and he still sleeps with a teddy.

- P

---

I do NOT you Mr. Wet-his-bed-until-he-was-15, are a liar.

- J

---

I did NOT wet my bed!! Sirius spilt pumpkin juice on Mr. Tiddles in second year! AND HE NEVER TOLD YOU.

-P

---

Hey! That was top-secret Pete!

-S

---

How dare you ruin my Mr. Tiddles!!!??? I knew you always had it out for him.

- J

---

Look James, it was an accident! Mr. Tiddles and I have a very complicated relationship, but I would NEVER purposely harm him! Anyway, have you _seen_ the way he was eyeballin' me last night? With his bloodthirsty, beady, little, button eyes? I bet he told Moony to smother me. Has Mr. Tiddles been talking to you Moony?

-S

---

Oh yes, we've been planning your demise together ever since he laid eyes on you. -M

---

Great. First you try and hurt Mr. Tiddles, and now you accuse him of trying to kill you. Why should I believe you, Mr. Cries-in-his-sleep?

- J

---

What? I do NOT cry in my sleep. Those stains on my pillow are from when Pete spilled my vodka.

- S

---

Then how do you explain the sobbing noises that keep me up all the time?

- J

---

Actually Sirius, you do quite a lot of things in your sleep. You talk, walk, eat, drink, sing, dance, _cry_, laugh, paint the curtains etc. etc. It's nigh impossible to tell the difference between you when you're asleep and you're awake.

-M

---

I know. He can actually tell the difference between boys and girls when he's awake. Remember all those times when he's escaped the dorm?

- J

---

A lot of close calls.

- P

---

Oh yes. We should chain him to the bed at nights.

-M

---

I have no idea what you are talking about. All I do at night is sleep. And occasionally meet girls in deserted rooms. But mainly sleep.

- S

---

Or so you think...

-M

---

Wouldn't the point of doing things while you sleep be that one has no recollection of any of it? Woah! Did I just say all those big words?

- P

---

Well done, Pete! I always knew you had it in you!

-M

---

I'm amazed Pete, but you are right. Sirius cries and talks and the like in his sleep. I had no idea you even knew that "recollection" meant.

- J

---

I must be spending too much time around Moony.

- P

---

Well, wasn't there a question here or are we all just bitching about one another. Because I have some interesting things to say about Moony and what HE does at night.

- S

---

Question. There was definitely a question. In need of IMMEDIATE answering. By you in particular Sirius, so I'm afraid you're not going to have the opportunity to say whatever it was you were about to say because now you have to talk about other more important things.

–M

---

Yeah, like all the reading, and the quoting of books, and the chocolate eating. And then he blames us the next morning when half his stash is gone.

- J

---

I don't quote books... often. And you're just making excuses for eating all my chocolate!

-M

---

What? We're innocent!!! We do NOT eat your chocolate _all_ the time. Just when we're hungry. And only Sirius would eat in the middle of the night.

- J

---

It's the best meal of the day

- S

---

I SO do not believe you. Except for the part about Sirius. Anyway, question! Remember that?

-M

---

What question? Was that the one about hair? How did we stray do far?

- J

---

I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it was all _your_ fault.

-S

---

My fault?! You had to bring Mr. Tiddles into all this, you bear-staining berk

- J

---

But I never would have mentioned Mr. Tiddles if YOU hadn't started rattling on about your girlfriend. Besides, it was MOONY who threatened to smother me with your teddy.

-S

---

I don't think Lily will want to date you anymore after she discovers Mr. Tiddles.

- P

---

On the contrary Pete. When she found him on my bed the other day, she said it was cute. So there.

- J

---

I don't want to know what you were doing with her on your bed. Are you sure it was "cute" and not "kinky"?. Shit. That brought some pretty disgusting pictures to mind. I think I'll go drown myself in the sink now.

-S

---

You can't. Your head's too big

- J

---

Right. I think we should stop now. So stop. Yes. Because this is getting out of hand, not that it isn't already but it is getting even more out of hand. As I recall the advice on making your hair look nice was flea-shampoo or some complicated potion of Sirius'. So yes. Stop it.

–M

* * *

**Dear Moony,**

**In the letter from "Scared", you suggested a Revenge Plot involving a potion that causes hair-loss. Might I suggest using it on Sirius and James for all their insults about your intelligence? It might teach them some respect!! After all, sometimes fleas just aren't enough.**

**- Karma**

**---**

What? Moony would never dream of harming his two best friends in the entire world. I am outraged at such a suggestion.

- J

---

I agree with you whole-heartedly, Karma. Sometimes fleas just _aren't_ enough. Especially as James isn't afraid of them in the same amusing way that Sirius is. Sometimes it is necessary to launch a full on assault on their hair. You make a fair point.

-M

---

What whatever happened to friendship?

- J

---

I just had a deja vu moment. Didn't _I_ say that when _you_ hid the book I was reading so I'd act as a decoy whilst you stole back Sirius' treasury of dung bombs from Filtch's office? I'm pretty sure I did. And I'm pretty sure you said, "Sometimes, you have to take one for the team." This is just like then. Except, instead of "taking one for the team" I'm exacting my revenge on you. Other than that, exactly the same.

-M

---

Ha ha ha, good one Moony, good one! ... Wait... You're serious aren't you? ... Shit.

–S

---

Language Sirius, what have we said about being a bad influence on First Years? That's right; don't do it.

-M

---

But... but... my _hair!_ You can't... my... Hair! Think of the hair Remus! Look at how soft and shiny it is! HOW COULD YOU DESTROY SOMETHING SO GLORIOUS?! –S

---

Oh, he can and he won't hesitate. Moony is heartless and has no consideration for innocent hairs.

- J

---

Your respective hairs are in no way innocent. Remember when the shower drain was clogged up and we had to wash in a bucket of cold water for two weeks? Whose hair was it that was filling up the drain? Let me give you a clue: it was black. As I said: NOT INNOCENT.

-M

---

That was James.

- S

---

You traitor, it was not. But it was my fault for making you try that potion I invented. And now Peter is the lab rat. All's well that ends well.

- J

---

Not for me! When's my hair supposed to grow back?

- P

---

Oh, you're still bald? Sorry Pete, I forgot. Let me fix that for you. There we are.

- J

---

I was never a redhead.

- P

---

Oh, sorry, try this.

- J

---

I'm pretty sure my hair was never green.

- P

---

Third time's a charm.

- J

---

It's black.

- P

---

Close enough.

- J

---

What? You can fix it just like that? You left _me_ hairless for days!

-S

---

Oh, well, about that…

- J

---

Look! His hair's changing again! Purple... no pink! No... Purp- actually I think it's settled on pink.

- M

---

It was really funny watching you run around bald. Especially then none of the girls would talk to you. I think they thought you had Lepra…leper…some kind of disease.

- P

---

I remember those good old days; watching Sirius putting paper bags over his head, those were the days.

-M

---

Certainly were. So, Moony, buddy, there's no reason to hurt me now, is there, buddy?

- J

--

No, I am quite satisfied. Actually I think I have some pictures of bald Sirius somewhere around here... There was this really good one of the back of his head where you'd written, "Beware! It bites!" That was highly amusing my friend, a stroke of genius.

-M

---

Why thank you. It was highly amusing, wasn't it? But I'm afraid genius is your department. I simply try to learn form the Master of Smarts.

- J

---

I knew you two were in on it together I feel somewhat…what's the word?

- S

---

Grateful? You feel so grateful?

-M

---

Yeah! I feel so grate... hey!

-S

---

Betrayed?

- J

---

Yes that's the word! Betrayed.

- S

---

Now now, Sirius, let's not get all melodramatic.

-M

---

WHY THE HELL NOT! I bet that's what JUDAS said when people complained about him stabbing JESUS in the BACK!

-S

---

Since when do you read the Bible?

- P

---

I don't, I heard that one from you.

-S

---

I don't think Jesus would have cared quite so much about loosing his hair. He died willingly, after all.

- J

---

Whatever you say JUDAS Potter.

-S

---

I am hardly going to start calling you Jesus, because that would be an insult to him, may his immortal soul rest in peace.

- J

---

I think you're making too much of a big deal over this Sirius. It's just hair.

-M

---

But it's _my_ hair. You can't just mess with my hair; it's very important. It's like breaking James' broomstick or breaking your brain or stealing Peter's cheese. Very important. Just hair? _Just hair_? Ouch! My back! I feel like someone's just STABBED IT.

-S

---

My cheese! You leave my cheese out of this!

-P

---

Geez, you and your cheese. It's kind of creepy. And smelly. I wish you wouldn't keep it in our dorm.

- J

---

Hey! I like my cheese, is that such a crime?

-P

---

It is when it goes off and moldy and disgusting. There is so much bacteria on it I think technically it's a living creature.

-S

---

Some of that stuff is like, illegal in some countries, so I say, yeah, it is.

- J

---

Cheese is meant to have bacteria. That's how it's made. But moldiness and legality aside, it's still better than your things. Like Sirius' collection of Busty and Bewitched, and his collection of alcohol and Sirius' collection of hair care products, and his –

- P

----

What about James? He has lots of stuff too.

- S

---

Yeah, like... photos of Lily she doesn't know about because he took them when he was "observing her to discover more about her character" or in other words, stalking her.

-M

---

For your information, if you've actually seen the new ones I have, you'd realized that she posed for those, and the told me to take her picture. She's so photogenic.

– J

---

Well, I don't rummage through your stalker files so I wouldn't really know. I'll have to take your word on that.

-M

---

It's true you can ask her yourself. In fact, I have a few right here.

- J

---

Hey! What was the question again? Was it about cheese? Because if it was about cheese then I have _tons_ of useful advice!

-P

---

Nice subject changing Pete, way to go.

-S

---

I was being serious.

-P

---

Well, _I'm_ Sirius so you're just going to have to be someone else.

-S

---

Come on guys, look right here. Isn't she gorgeous? This was when she decided to dress up as a goddess. My idea. Watch what happens in the next one…

- J

---

NO. OH GOD NO. PUT THOSE AWAY JAMES. I DO _NOT_ WANT TO SEE THE NEXT ONE.

-S

---

I think we should all ignore James and listen to Peter.

-M

---

Cheese?

-P

---

No. Question. Remember the question.

-M

---

Oh.

-P

---

Party poopers. Oh, and Lily, if you're reading this, don't worry. I've kept those special pictures hidden in secret.

- J

---

I hope by "secret" you don't mean under the loose floorboard next to your bed. Because, we all know about that. Moony here steals your chocolate frogs when I've finished off his stash.

-S

---

I do not! You lie. You liar. Sirius is lying. Liar.

-M

---

Very convincing Remus. (I've got this sarcasm thing _down_.)

-P

---

What how dare you look in my secret hiding spot and eat my frogs and look at my pictures of Lily?! I am outraged!

- J

---

Mate, we do _not_ look at those pictures. It's disturbing. I would pour acid in those floorboards if I could get my hands on any. This dorm must be cleansed!

-S

---

Exorcised more like.

- P

---

Sirius, don't try to cleanse the dorm with acid again. Remember last time? That didn't turn out so well did it, Sirius?

-M

---

The power of Christ repels you! The power of Christ repels you!

-S

---

Quiet you. Or I'll bring out the ticks. They're just like fleas, but twice the size.

- J

---

AAAAAAHHHH! Be gone Demon! Be gone! Moony! Save me!

-S

---

Muhahahahahahahahahahaha!

- J

---

Well, whilst James is running about with ticks, Sirius is screaming, "the power of Christ repels you!" in a deranged fashion and Peter is looking for the holy water; I'll finish of the question. Though you do make a point Karma, James and Sirius do deserve to be hairless for a period of at least three days, I think I'll pass. I need to cleanse this dorm of impurities before any vengeance can take place. And find that photo of Sirius' shiny bald head so I can post it around the school... now where has it gotten to?

-M

* * *

**James, **

**First of all, congratulations. Lily is looking much happier these days, and I'm sure you are too. Now for my question. I've had a big crush on Sirius for ages. Yeah, he's hot, but I fell for him because of his personality. He can actually be a really sweet guy when he wants to be. I've been partnered up with him in class a few times, and he tends to come to me for advice on girls. As of recently, he's been talking of a serious relationship. My guess is you and Lily together has gotten to him. He's been asking me if there's any girl at Hogwarts that can stand him for more than a week. I've been throwing him hints but...he's not getting it. Then the other night we ended up in a drunken snog session at a Quidditch party and we almost went all the way. Now the prat's acting like nothing happened.**

**My friends are saying I should get over him, but I don't know. However, a good friend of mine asked me out to the Valentine's Day Ball. On top of that, he's hinted that he really likes me. I think you know him. Anthony Chang. Since you two know each other from Quidditch, I was wondering what you thought of him. I have lots of fun when I'm with him but...I don't want to get hurt again.**

**Should I say yes to Anthony? My Aunt Andromeda says I should. What's he like with the guys on the Quidditch pitch? **

**Alone and confused, **

**Vickie Tonks - Ravenclaw**

---

Hmm. Well, this is an interesting situation. You right there Sirius?

- J

---

Sure mate. Whatever.

- S

---

You look a little quiet.

- P

---

Why did you blow her off? And since when have you ever considered a serious relationship? You've changed, man.

- J

---

I think this is rather good news! A chance for Sirius to shine and be serious without bringing up age-old puns that give people aneurisms. Vickie, thanks for being direct, Sirius isn't generally good a picking up hints, I'm sure we'll make much more progress this way.

-M

---

Huh? She has to choose between Chang and me? What's there to decide? And when am I supposed to get a say? Did I ever say that I _liked_ Vickie?

- S

---

Valid, but a little harsh, don't you think?

- J

---

No, I'm being serious. Did I? I've forgotten.

- S

---

Can't remember.

- J

---

No, I don't recall you ever saying so, but I might have not been listening, you talk about her an awful lot, whenever you're not on about pranks and pudding and other worldly delights all starting with the letter "P". Anyway, you said before about no girls taking you seriously, and now here you have a girl who takes you seriously. Surely this is a good thing?

-M

---

Sirius is the "kiss and run" type, he probably doesn't even know the difference between all the girls he's dated. You should go out with Chang; he's not in Slytherin.

-P

---

Hey! I know the difference you dunce. And I'm not in Slytherin either, so why all the "go with Chang" business?

-S

---

I just thought I should get it over with! I thought you weren't interested in the girls who wanted a committed relationship; I didn't know you were interested!

-P

---

Because she's related to you. I'm not quite sure how, but I'm pretty sure that might be wrong. But I guess the Black's never really cared about not dating their family.

- J

---

I never said that. Or if I did James can't remember and Remus wasn't listening.

-S

---

What about me?

- P

---

You never listen.

- J

---

...Can you repeat the question?

- P

---

Moving on...so, Sirius, I guess the question is really, where do you stand? Do you want to have a serious relationship with Vickie?

- J

---

I dunno. It's hard to say. I mean, I like Vickie, but I'm not too sure yet if I like her that much. I'm sure people don't just go rushing into serious relationships just like that. It takes time. Or, so it seems

- S

---

No no, I'm pretty sure they go rushing. James went rushing, Lily just wasn't that eager. But it all worked out in the end. You have a head start though! This Vickie seems to like you quite a bit.

-M

---

Yes, but they've liked each other for years. I only discovered Vickie a few years ago. You know, after I stumbled in on her in the bathroom that day. Remember that?

- S

---

Hehehe, that was hilarious. Especially when she tried to knock you out with her toothbrush.

- J

---

Ah yes, I remember that. You went through that phase of "accidentally" stumbling into girls bathrooms that year, remember Sirius? That had some very amusing results.

-M

---

His hair smelled of toothpaste for months.

- P

---

Yeah and we learned that spell for sticking peoples eyelids shut from that other girl! I think it was Lily actually; your girlfriend has quite a temper Jamesie ol' pal.

-S

---

Don't you go around making fun of my Lily Flower. She's taught me many useful spells. Including one that sticks your feet and hands together.

- J

---

I wonder what you mean by "taught" exactly...

-M

--

I mean what I said. Well, kind of

- J

---

Well exactly, I think he might be referring to all those times she's cursed, hexed, jinxed or something else-ed him. Very resourceful girl she is. And, er, Lily? If you're reading this, it's a compliment. Really. Don't hurt me. Or my hair. Don't hurt my hair.

-S

---

Very smooth Sirius.

-M

---

He's right. Don't touch his hair, go for the face.

- J

---

NNNNNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T TOUCH MY FACE!!!!

- S

---

Weren't we supposed to be talking about Vickie? That girl who likes Sirius?

-P

---

Yes, well she must be insane. She likes Sirius? What is this world coming to...

-M

---

Quiet you. Everyone likes me.

-S

---

Of course they do Sirius. Of course they do.

-M

---

Don't worry Sirius, I like you. Well, sort of.

- J

---

Um... I like your hair?

-P

--

Thanks guys, I really appreciate it. After that WOUNDING INSULT from Moony, I needed that. Really, I have been MORTALY INJUERED to NEAR DEATH by Moony's HURTFUL COMMENTS.

-S

---

Hmmm, feeling a little melodramatic are we?

- J

---

NO, I am just DEVASTATED by recent TRAGIC events of such astounding TRAGEDY that it's a miracle that I haven't DIED with all the TRAGICNESS of it.

-S

---

Stop teaching him new words, Moony. It's getting very annoying

- J

---

I'll have you know that "tragicness" isn't a word. I do not teach him these things.

-M

---

You can't help but teach people things. Especially lessons, when they do not want them.

- P

---

Well... You never seem to be listening; I didn't realize you could even hear me.

-M

---

Hey! Hey! WHAT ABOUT ME? Were we not talking about ME?

-S

---

Sirius, not everything is about you. Stop being so self-concerned

- J

---

Sirius not thinking everything's about him, now there's a laugh!

-P

---

Hehehe, so true. He's so vain, he's flexes his muscles at himself whenever he sees his reflection.

- J

---

I do not!

-S

---

Look at the shiny mirror Sirius!

-M

---

Hey there good-lookin...

-S

--

Point proven.

-M

---

But, that's not fair! You tricked me

- S

---

Face it mate, you're very vain.

- J

--

Whatever. Anyway, I'm still right. We _were_ talking about me. That's what this question is _about_.

-S

---

Yes, it's always about you isn't it.

- J

---

I'm glad someone finally agrees with me

- S

---

I was being sarcastic

- J

---

Even _I_ knew that Sirius. You should talk to Moony, he knows all about sarcasm.

-P

---

Yes, sarcasm is when people say the opposite of what they mean in a mocking way. Really Sirius, someone as delightfully clever as you are should know that.

-M

---

Pft, clever? Smart-arse more like.

- J

---

I was being sarcastic James. We just went over that.

-M

---

Well, maybe if you said what you were writing as you write it, like Peter, people may be able to pick up on that. As much as I'd like to be, I'm no mind reader.

- J

---

Hey! People! Stop going off topic! It's a doomed world that has ME getting YOU people to remember the bloody question.

-S

---

Cool it Sirius; take a chill pill, that's heavy man, just chillax.

-P

---

Oh right. Vickie. Well, Sirius, my advice, (and since I am finally in a relationship, I think I am finally credible to give relationship advice), is that you give it time, and when you think you're ready, ask her out. It seems that she'll be waiting. There. That was different; giving advice to a Marauder rather than the questioner. How odd.

- J

---

That's very good advice James. The only problem is that Vickie's considering going out with Anthony Chang for the Ball next week, and I think she's a little tired of waiting for you Sirius, so I say go for it. If you want to that is.

-M

---

I still think Vickie should go with Chang. If Sirius is going to be all unco-operama... un-copopil... difficult.

-P

---

Well, I dunno. Help me James.

- S

---

I can't really tell you what to do. It's your life. But seeing as you always depend on me for everything, I'll help. I think you should ask Vickie out to the ball. And if you like her, then all is well. Otherwise, if it doesn't turn out to well, you can break up, no permanent damage done. Like I said to Remus, there's no harm in at least trying out a girl. No offence ladies, I just don't know any other way to put it. Please don't hurt me. I've got Lily and she's stronger than me, well, almost.

- J

---

Hey! I do not rely on you for everything. I see what you mean. I think I'll go with you're whole "try before you buy" option. She's not bad, pretty and funny and really nice you know? What's the worst that could happen?

-S

---

The worst that could happen? Well the worst that could happen is Vickie hexing you halfway across the world for that "try before you buy" comment.

-M

---

She'll get over it

– P

---

Good then. Everything is settled. I know my night will be great. I'm going with Lily obviously. What are you going as? I hear it's fancy dress.

- J

---

Fancy dress? Shit, no one told me that.

-S

---

Really? There are posters with "FANCY DRESS" written on them in big block letters posted all over the school? How could you not notice?

-M

---

I'm going as Prince Charming, and Lily shall be my beautiful princess.

- J

---

Aw, matching outfits! How... nauseating.

-S

---

Not matching, coordinating.

- J

---

I'm going with Cassy as the Mad Hatter and she's going to be Alice. Exciting isn't it. You can dress up as the dormouse Sirius, that way we can put you in a pot and not have to worry about you.

-M

---

I thought Peter was going as the dormouse?

- J

---

Oh yes, sorry Sirius, you just can't compete with Wormtail, he was made for the part.

-M

---

Geez, is everyone _coordinating_ their costumes for this thing?

-S

---

Yes. The balls' really a couples thing. Even Peter managed to get a date.

- J

---

I'm going with Heather. She's pretty.

- P

---

What's she going as, Pete?

- J

---

A kitty cat. normally I don't like cats, but I think I can make an exxcp…axcep…like her, because she's not likely to eat me. Well, I hope not.

- P

---

Isn't Heather that Hufflepuff who believed me when I told her the suits of armor were conspiring to eat her pet kitten? She was devastated. And she didn't even _have_ a pet kitten.

-S

---

That mean ugly jerk was you? How could you? But I guess I might have to thank you. She came looking to me for comfort after that. Thanks to you Sirius, I have a girlfriend! Yay!

- P

---

Yeah I know, just doing my part to help those less fortunate than I. I'm just generous like that.

-S

---

Yes, very generous.

- J

---

Why thank you James.

- S

---

I was being sarcastic again.

- J

---

Well... you smell funny! So there. Shove that up your arse.

-S

---

Yeah well at least I don't cower every time someone mentions FLEAS!

- J

---

What? Where? SAVE ME!!!

-S

---

Chicken.

- J

---

Right, calm down. I think it's time we finished off the question. Before James brings the fleas out and Sirius does his dead cockroach imitation again.

-M

---

MUHAHAHAHAHA!

- J

---

See you all at the ball everyone!

- P

* * *

_A/N: Hey people. Yes, today **I** am first in the a/n. Why? Well you see, Shoe is the one who usually edits these chapters, but because for some crazy reason, she either has been getting more homework than me (which is crazy, coz she's yr 9 and I'm yr 11) or she simply is a procrastinator and has poor time management skills. So, that is why** I** was the editor here, and now I come first. Yay!_

_Sorry this chapter took so long. School has turned evil, and now that I am doing 2 maths subjects every week, I have twice as much homework. Believe me, I had no choice in the whole scheme. School is evil._

_Anyway, seeing as I leave for Europe in a couple of weeks, this may well be the last time we update for about a month, or even longer, as I will not be here for MAT. So, if this is the last time I see you all until I come back, Bye, and I hope you miss me._

_Also, if you live in London, Rome, Venice, France, Istanbul or Gallipoli, chances are you might see me. Although you won't know it's me, but you may see the large group of teenage tourists wondering in awe through the cities. I may or may not be among those people. _

_So, bye for now everybody, and I hope to see many reviews by the time I get back!_

_Ciao_

_- Tiger-Cub684_

_Ahoy-hoy! Well, I am lazy. Very lazy. You may blame me for the long wait, though I can't guarantee I'll be bothered to listen :D_

_Anyway, yes. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed! We really appreciate it! We grin manically for days on end, those surrounding us worry endlessly for our sanity. As do we._

_Yes, it is true. Tiger is going Europing. I shall have do deal with **traumatic** **abandonment** issues when she leaves. Ah, the bitter taste of **negligence**. Nah really, hope she has a good time._

_If we can we'll try and get another chapter to you before she leaves but that's not particularly likely due to school, homework, laziness and other fatal illnesses._

_Hope you enjoyed this!_

_-discombobulated.shoe_


	20. Chapter 20

_A/N: And from the dust emerges Chapter 20; along with a French homing pigeon named Tweety, an over-protective James and a guest appearance from none other than Lily Evans!_

* * *

**Dear Marauders, **

**My good-for-nothing brother is a lazy, trampy moron. What's the best (and most humiliating) way to get rid of him? **

**Regulus Black**

---

Oh that son of a bitch...

-S

---

This is one fantastic question! I mean, oh, poor Sirius. How shall we get revenge for such words?

- J

---

You traitor.

- S

---

You do realise that you are the son of that same bitch?

-M

---

Grrrr…

- S

---

Sorry, sorry. Don't hurt me.

-M

---

I'm sorry Sirius, but this is hilarious!

- J

---

I can't freaking' believe this-- actually I can. He's just ASKING for it isn't he? And so are you Potter, for that matter.

-S

---

Well, he has a point Sirius. You know, about the whole "lazy, trampy moron" issue. Maybe if you worked to remedy these negative aspects of your personality you'd receive less hate-mail.

-M

---

Sirius looks like a beetroot.

- P

---

Try and think of it from my perspective. Surely Regulus would've realised that you would murder him for this kind of thing, so he's either a complete idiot or he's teasing you. It's quiet hilarious. I'm on your side. Really. And now we can go plan revenge. Easy as pudding.

- J

---

He still looks like a beetroot.

- P

---

YES. REVENGE SOUNDS GOOD. And Moony can MISS OUT on ALL THE FUN because of his smart-arse comments. It's not hate mail; it's... belated/early valentine's cards. And the defence that some people think getting the envelope to try and bite off my fingers is an expression of love is a valid one.

-S

---

Yes, they love you so much; they want to bite a small part of you off for themselves.

- J

---

Exactly! James has is right.

-S

---

I think you're being entirely over the top about the whole situation Sirius. Honestly, it's a surprise you aren't continually mistaken for a five-year-old.

-M

---

I would've guessed three-year-old, but you're right. Five year olds have a tendency to cry at night.

- J

---

Oh yeah? Well... your face is funny! There! Stick that up your arse and smoke on it!

-S

---

... How does that _work_?

-P

---

It doesn't. Sirius just can't think of a comeback. Such a five-year-old.

- J

---

You people are mean. YOU'RE NOT MY FRIENDS ANYMORE.

-S

---

That's lovely Sirius. Thank you for proving our point.

-M

---

So, anyone up for some GROWN-UP conversation?

- J

---

Oh! Oh! Me! Pick Me!

-P

---

OK, Pete, you're in. Moony?

- J

---

All right, anything for civilised conversation. They're so rare these days.

-M

---

Tell me about it. With him around, it's like being in a kindergarten

- J

---

Right, I get it. But still, revenge is necessary. REVENGE I TELL YOU! We shan't stand back and let this sort of anarchy reign! For gold, for glory, FOR ENGLAND!

-S

---

Well, that was a bit over the top, but I suppose patriotism is never out of place. WE SHALL WIPE THE FLOOR WITH HIS FACE, ALL IN THE NAME OF ENGLAND!

- J

---

Exactly! You know, he isn't even technically English. He was born when we were in France visiting some rotting distant relatives of mine.

-S

---

So your bother's a snobby Frenchman is he? Well, then we had better go send him back to his dirty, snobby, arrogant country, eh? You with me?

- J

---

Oh dear, you not being, well, _literal_ are you? Oh my...

-M

---

Literal? Good idea Moony! So James, how does one go about sending their youngest sibling to France?

-S

---

Well, you could firstly get a French homing pigeon. Then enlarge it with magic, so it's as big as a hippogriff. The, when he's sleeping, grab Regulus, tie him up, and tie him to the large pigeon. Then, all you have to do is set the bird free and he'll be in France before you can say "Chuddley Cannons". Or you could just banish him there with magic. Whatever way you prefer.

- J

---

Now, I really must protest! Don't you think that's a little, er, over the top? Just a little?

-M

---

NO. IT IS BRILLIANT. BIRLLIANT JAMES.

-S

---

Why thank you Sirius. Only the best for your brother.

- J

---

Come again?

-S

---

I meant, I save my best plans for the getting-rid-of your brother.

- J

---

That's more like it.

- S

---

Can I do something? Can I?

-P

---

Well this is just brilliant then isn't it? I, for one, shall have no part in this.

-M

---

As usual. Wet blanket.

- J

---

Right, James, which plan are we going to use? The homing pigeon or the banishing? Personally I think the pigeon sounds like fun.

-S

---

Me too. I'll get the pigeon. You lure Regulus into the trap. Actually, perhaps you should set up the trap first.

- J

---

OK, but then what?

- S

---

Take this enchanted willow branch and put it right outside the Slytherin common room. Then, take my cloak, sneak into the Slytherin dorms, wake up Regulus and get him to chase you outside, and lead him into the trap, which Pete and me shall finish setting up. I'll tell you the rest later.

- J

---

Righty-o, sounds great. Lets go!

- S

---

Okay this is... not good! Not a good idea at all. This whole plan stinks of expulsion! Expulsion James! Come on, surely this isn't necessary?

-M

---

Of course it is. Remember all the times Regulus was a bastard? And that time he banished all your clothes and made you run naked around the castle? It was only last week, surely you remember?

-J

---

Yes. As a matter of fact I do remember. Fine. I'll endorse this venture. I may even help. Just don't mention... _that_ in public again.

-M

---

Then help us. We could really you someone to cover for us when they teachers discover that Regulus is missing. And the teachers trust you. You're a prefect, after all.

- J

---

Can't I do something else? I don't really think breaking their trust is ethi—

-M

---

Okay then, maybe you can run around the castle naked again to distract them?

-S

---

No thanks. Fine. I'll do it. Consider yourself covered.

-M

---

You've made a lot of girls very disappointed Moony.

-S

---

Good on you moony. Now, since that's taken care of, Pete, you go and get five feet of rope and that "top-secret" thing I've been working on lately. It's in my trunk.

- J

---

OK!

- P

---

Top-secret thing? Why wasn't I ever informed of this?

-M

---

Well, it is top-secret Moony. And you _are_ inclined to prefectly tendencies.

-S

---

Yeah. Besides, if you knew about it, it wouldn't be "Top Secret" anymore, would it?

- J

---

Got it!

- P

---

How did you get past the traps?

- S

---

He's like a rat Sirius, what do you think?

- J

---

Good point. Now what?

-S

---

Take this, and go get Regulus. Pete and me will to the rest.

- J

---

Is it still top secret? What is it?

-M

---

Roger that!

-S

---

It's for us to know and for you to…never know.

- J

---

What now?

-P

---

Come with me. It's pranking time!

- J

---

_Later…_

---

OK, everything is set. Now we wait for Sirius to arrive with Regulus.

- J

---

Why did we bring the Advice Thingy?

- P

---

So we can record our achievements. Geeze Pete, keep up.

- J

---

I think he's coming…

- P

---

You mean leave evidence of your escapade so it makes _my_ job of convincing the teachers it never happened much harder.

-M

---

Quiet you. And be ready with the rope.

- J

---

Aye aye, Captain Potter.

–M

---

OK guys, he's right behind me.

- S

---

What in the name of –

- R.B

---

Got him! Quickly, let's get him outside. I'm not sure how long the "spider-web-rope-net" will hold.

- J

---

_Outside…_

---

Whoa, nice bird!

- S

---

We named him Tweety.

-P

---

Let me out of here you imbeciles! I'll curse you to Beijing!

- R.B

---

Quickly, tie him on!

- J

---

COOO!!

- Pigeon

---

There! Now fly, my pretty, fly, FLY!

- J

---

He's not moving.

- P

---

I'll get him going.

- S

---

I object to you kicking Tweety.

- J

---

At least he's gone. Good plan, Prongsie. Couldn't have done it better myself.

- S

---

I know. Especially since I usually think up the plans. The ones that work anyway.

- J

---

Well. Now all we have to do is stand here like sitting ducks till the teachers find us standing here covered in feathers and pieces of rope. Not an incriminating scene at all.

-M

---

Good thing I brought my cloak. Let's go and get rid of the evidence.

- J

---

I second that motion.

-M

---

How long until Regulus comes back?

- S

---

He can apparate, right?

- J

---

Yep, although technically he's not old enough.

- S

---

But he can do it?

- J

---

Yeah.

- S

---

Then there's nothing to worry about. Right?

-P

---

Then I expect him to be back, as soon as the giant pigeon lands and Regulus gets himself free. But don't worry, that could take hours. Days maybe. And if and when he does come back, we can always tie him to an anchor and throw him into the lake.

- J

---

What? I thought this was supposed to be permanent!

- S

---

Sorry, that's kind of hard to do without killing him. And I'm not going to Azkaban over that sorry excuse for a wizard; even if he is you're brother.

- J

---

Glad to see you have some form of responsibility James.

-M

---

Lily must be getting to him.

- P

---

Which is much more than I can say for Sirius.

-M

---

Hey, you try living with Regulus. He's the biggest pain in the backside there ever was. And he's a dirty Pure Blooded bastard. We're barely related.

- S

---

Well, I think we've mostly answered the question. Who's up for poker?

- J

---

Sure.

-M

---

Wait! Let me get my lucky socks!

-P

* * *

**Dear Marauders:**

**I have a crush on Lily, but I'm afraid to ask her out because James will slaughter me, and I'll be worse off than I am now. I am so scared that he will find out my secret and kill me! Help me, PLEASE!**

**- Terrified for love**

---

Grrr…

- J

---

Submitting that question probably wasn't the cleverest thing to do. Seeing as James _is_ a part of the Marauders...

-M

---

Well isn't he stupid. She's already going out with James.

- P

---

STAY AWAY FROM MY LILY!!!

- J

---

Sounds like a dose of get-over-her-if-you-know-what-is-good-for-you potion is in order, otherwise me and Prongise might have to go hunting, if you get my drift.

- S

---

Stop winking. It's giving me a seizure!

- P

---

Sirius! Could we not threaten the questioner? It's quite rude.

-M

---

Wet blanket.

- S

---

Gah! Moony! Make James stop that evil glint in his eye...it's scary!

- P

---

James, calm down. You know Lily would never cheat on you, so what are you all worked up about?

-M

---

It's not her I'm worried about. It's all those hormone-driven boys like Terrified. I don't trust them as far as I could throw them.

- J

---

Well, you shouldn't be throwing anyone really. You could hurt your back.

- M

---

Good idea! Lets' throw him into the lake James!

-S

---

Good point. I wouldn't want to ruin my Quidditch season already. Take one more step Sirius and I'll take you off the team and replace you with Mrs. Norris. Then turn you into a salmon and feed you to the Squid.

- J

---

Nice plan.

- P

---

Thanks; I've been saving that one for a special occasion.

- J

---

C'mon Prongsie, be reasonable! What's wrong with throwing him in the lake anyway? I thought you'd be all for that plan. We could always use magic if you're so worried about your back, pansy that you are.

-S

---

No, I mean, why let the squid have all the fun with him, when we can deal with him ourselves. Surely we can be more original than 'throw into lake'?

- J

---

And I thought you decided not to hurt him at all... it was foolish to expect so much of you James, all you want to do is torture the poor bloke. I suppose you have the right, in a sense, seeing as Lily is your girlfriend, but he hasn't done anything wrong!

-M

---

Yet.

-P

---

Exactly. I don't want to give him a chance to do anything. I'll have to be Lily's bodyguard 24/7. No one is getting past me!

- J

---

I thought being with Lily would make you a bit more sensible. Clearly I was wrong.

-M

---

Clearly it's made him even worse than ever. Not to mention more randomly SCARY!

- P

---

I thought you being around us would make you a little less sensible and I was wrong too so get over it Moony. Anyway, you said so yourself, as Lily's boyfriend, it's James' _right_ to beat up people who look twice at her.

-S

---

That's not what I meant –

-M

---

And as James' best friend it is _my_ right to take part in the beating up of random people!

-S

---

Sure is. Together all the way.

- J

---

That's not what I meant at all! I just meant that it was reasonable for James to be somewhat protective of Lily. I didn't say anything about causing bodily harm to questioners who are already afraid for their lives.

-M

---

Not to mention you don't even know Terrified's real name.

-P

---

Good point. I'll have to watch out for anyone who even thinks about looking at Lily. That'll teach 'em.

- J

---

Hey James, I think I saw a kid in Slytherin who looked a bit suspicious. Can't remember who exactly so we'll just have to go after the whole house. Just to be sure.

-S

---

Good idea. Lead the way!

- J

---

I think Sirius is taking advantage of your murderous mood James.

-M

---

So?

- J

---

How will you know if they're thinking about looking at Lily?

- P

---

That's easy, I'll just...I mean, I'll...um...damn. Anyone know a psychic?

- J

---

Well... whatever. I can see I'm not going to win this argument. Advice for the male population of Hogwarts: Be warned dear friends, James and Sirius are one of their more worrisome moods. No one is safe. Run! Run for your lives!

-M

---

If you run we'll just catch you! You can't run! You can't hide! Nowhere is safe!! MU HA HA HA HA!

-S

---

AHHH!

-P

---

Maybe I'll just take up all Lily's time by having "study sessions" in the broom cupboard. That'll keep all the guys from perving at her. SHE'S ALL MINE!

- J

---

But James! If you having 'study sessions' all the time when are we going to do pranks!

-S

---

In the five minute breaks when I go for some air.

- J

---

Yay! Just, make sure my broom isn't in whatever cupboard you're in...

-S

---

What about lessons?

-M

---

What _about_ lessons?

-S

---

Um...I'll just have you guys slip us notes. See, a solution for everything.

- J

---

I'm not slipping you anything. I shall have no part in this madness.

-M

---

I don't take notes.

-S

---

What's a note?

-P

---

Damn you unhelpful people. And you call yourselves friends? Very disappointing. I suppose I'll have to think of another solution.

- J

---

Maybe you could stop being so paranoid and act like a normal human being.

-M

---

Fine. But people beware. If any of you hormone-driven...boys...try anything on my Lily, you'll have me to face. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

- J

* * *

**Hey guys. Got a question for most of ya,**

**Pete: You clearly have self-esteem issues. I can recommend a good counsellor. Just leave out the magic stuff; since she's muggle, she'll probably refer you to an insane asylum with Sirius.**

**Sirius: ...Okay, never mind, I got nothing.**

**Moony: I'm not sure if your friends have told you this or not, but you need to lighten and have some good ole fashioned FUN ****every once in a while. You only live once, you know.**

**James: So...what occupations do you want your kids to be?**

**Signed,**

**Muggleborn Ravenclaw**

---

How come I don't get a question?

-S

---

"How come" isn't proper English, Sirius. You should say "Why is it that" or something along those lines.

-M

---

I like my question. So many possibilities. Idealistically, I would like my kids to follow in my footsteps, whatever they may be. But it's really up to them. Mind you, if one of my future kids becomes an Auror or Quiddich star, I would hardly try and stop them.

- J

---

Well, in answer to my question, yes. Yes they have. Extensively, annoyingly, continuously... I am perfectly capable of enjoying myself. I just have a different idea of what's fun than other people.

-M

---

Yes. Like reciting Shakespeare and learning. I mean, come on. _Learning_, of all things.

- S

---

There's nothing wrong with Shakespeare and learning! Really, you should give it a try some day.

-M

---

I guess my self-esteem isn't as good as James' or Sirius'... A counsellor? I never thought of that. But I don't think a counsellor would work if I'm not telling the whole truth. Isn't that the point?

-P

---

I can see when learning can be necessary, but for fun? You're just crazy.

- J

---

Looks like you're on to something there Pete. See, this Ravenclaw has no idea.

- S

---

Yay! I'm smarter than a Ravenclaw!

-P

---

See? We're better for your self-esteem than some counsellor!

-S

---

I don't think that's what he meant.

- J

---

Is it ethical to give him false hope and feed him on lies? ... I mean, who wants ice cream?

- J

---

Me, me, pick me!!! I want ice cream!

- P

---

Do you have any chocolate topping?

-M

---

I do now. Don't you just love magically transfiguring whatever we want? It's like a gold mine.

- J

---

Yeah, we didn't need those history books anyway. Pass the pudding flavoured one mate.

- S

---

Mmmhmm. Forget the ice cream, I'll just take the topping.

-M

---

You know, sometimes, you disgust me.

-S

---

It's chocolate Sirius. Besides, weren't we just discussing me having fun? Chocolate is fun. Anyway, it's not nearly as disgusting as the way you practically breathe in pudding every Christmas.

-M

---

But that's different. It's _pudding_.

- S

---

I'm going to stay out of this one. What about you, Wormtail?

- J

---

I'm with you, James. But I still don't understand how you can eat ice cream topping without the ice cream.

- P

---

It's chocolate! Ice cream just dilutes the taste.

-M

---

That's impossible. Ice cream compliments the taste!

- S

---

How are things going with Heather, Pete?

- J

---

Good. She likes ice cream. Can you teach me how you made the books into ice cream?

- P

---

Sure.

- J

---

Sirius, have you ever even _tried_ it? If you had you wouldn't be saying such foolish things. (And by the by, James and Peter please turn something else into ice cream. Those books are _mine_.)

-M

---

Fun-ruiner.

- P

---

No I haven't tried it, because I am sane and I actually have taste buds.

-S

---

Don't worry Pete; you can practice on Moony's sweaters. He's got so many...

- J

---

I do so have taste buds! Anyone who doesn't appreciate chocolate doesn't have taste buds, that's _you_ Sirius. (Stay away from my sweaters James or I'll transfigure all your ties into chocolate.)

-M

---

Meh. Do what you want. I got plenty.

- J

---

I do so! Your teeth are probably riddled with cavities! (Do it James he doesn't need them!)

-S

---

My teeth are perfectly fine. (Fine I'll find something else to transfigure. Where'd you put your broom?)

-M

---

Muhahahahahahaha! You've done it Pete. Now Heather can have as much ice cream as she wants. What with all Moony's sweater-icecreams. Well done!

- J

---

Thanks James.

- P

---

Hey! Turn them back!!

-M

---

Good thing I hid my broom in Lily's dorm. No-one will ever find it now! ... Shit.

- J

---

What was that you said James? Lily's dorm? Thank you for being so co-operative.

-M

---

Where are you going Remus?

-P

---

Oh... nowhere. Have any of you seen Lily? I have a favour to ask of her.

-M

---

My love would never betray me. Ask all you want; my broom is secure.

- J

---

I don't know about that, he's got the "bribing" chocolate out.

- P

---

Oh crap.

- J

---

Lily! Hey Lily!

-M

---

Don't do it Lily! HE EATS TOPPING WITHOUT THE ICE CREAM! He's not human I tell you!

-S

---

Is what Remus tells me true?

-L

---

It's all true Lily. Textbooks AND my sweaters.

-M

---

Um… well, kind of… not really. We turned them into ice cream. Want some?

- J

---

I hope you're going to turn them back. Textbooks are not food. And besides, wouldn't Remus' sweaters taste like . . . you know . . .

- L

---

Lily! Is it, in your opinion, normal or even vaguely human to eat chocolate topping _by itself_? Because you know, you're taking the word of a chocolate topping devourer over Jamsie and me, I think that logic is somewhat whacked.

–S

---

I don't know about on its own, but I like to eat ice-cream topping with other non-ice-cream foods. Like waffles. And fruit. And pancakes. Yummy.

- L

---

Well, that's all right then. You're _normal_, unlike a certain someone else I know.

-S

---

Weren't we talking about getting my sweaters back to, you know, sweaters?

-M

---

I know of one semi-food related way to use ice-cream topping. I saw it in this muggle magazine back in the holidays. I think we should try it, Lily.

- J

---

Sweaters! Is anyone but me concerned about my sweaters!

-M

---

No.

-S

---

I think I know what you're talking about, and James I agree. Lets throw chocolate topping at the Slytherins!

– L

---

That's not what I was talking about. I meant that other thing. The couple thing.

- J

---

Oh. All right then. I've always wanted to try that. - Seems sticky though.

- L

---

Um... do you _mind_? I'm eating here!

-P

---

Sorry mate. Don't worry Lily; I know a great cleaning spell. We won't leave a trace.

- J

---

Okay. That's the last straw. No using my sweaters and textbooks in your debauchery. Or else.

-M

---

Or else what? You can't get my broom. I do not fear you!

- J

---

Or... I will feed the entire contents of your trunk to the giant squid. And then I'll show the whole school a photo of you at That Time when you were doing That Thing. And I will feed Mr. Tiddles to Padfoot.

-M

---

Well I. . . um … oh crap.

- J

--

What? I'm not going to eat a teddy bear!

- S

---

You'd be amazed at the things you eat Sirius.

-M

---

Yeah, like the time he ate your muggle studies notes. Or the time he chewed a hole in your best shoes. Or the time –

- P

---

I think we get the picture, Pete.

- S

---

James' excuse for not handing in his last Potions essay was "Sirius ate it" after all. I think we have abundant evidence.

-M

---

Most of the teachers accept "Sirius ate it" as an excuse for not handing in homework. It took McGonagall witnessing his feast of her marks book to win that recognition.

- J

---

Mmmm... That was a particularly satisfying meal -- I mean, I did not eat her marks book!

-S

---

I've got photos that indicate otherwise.  
- J

---

What's a photo?  
- P

---

Those photos have been tampered with I say!

-S

---

They're genuine. Here, I'll show you some photos I've got of him eating a pineapple in one bite.

- J

---

Ouch!

- P

---

Wow, can you dislocate your jaw by any chance? I don't see how that's possible any other way...

-M

---

Black that's disgusting. Chew before you swallow.

-L

---

Oh, you're still here? I didn't notice.

-S

---

Of course my Lily Flower is still here. Do you see this face? this is my "lily is in my presence" face? I thought you knew that by now.

- J

---

It just look likes he's high on gillyweed to me.

- P

---

Who needs gillyweed when I have my Lily?

- J

---

Aww, that's the sweetest thing you've said all day, my little Jamesie.

- L

---

Would you like a wittle huggy, Jamesie- Ow, hey, that was…not called for…I guess.

- S

---

Is this still an Advice Thingy? Because I swear last time I was here there was actually some advice being given. Aren't you supposed to be answering a question of some sort?

-L

---

Er, well. Yes. We will -- have answered it. Probably.

–M

---

You know what Lily; I ask myself that same question all the time. Yet still I have no answer. We need a philosopher!

- J

---

Hmm, righty-o, I'll go find one.

- L

---

I'll go with you. I hear there is a broom closet along the way.

- J

---

Oh really. Good idea. We can ask for directions.

- L

---

They're gonna be a while.

- P

---

You don't need to find anything! You're looking at Sirius Black after all, Philosopher extraordinaire. We are just dust in the wind dudes.

-S

---

Too late, they've left.

- P

---

Bummer. Guess we better finish up then. I'm hungry.

-S

---

Mmm, cheese…

- P

---

Okay then, erm… I've forgotten the question. But I'm sure it was answered. I'm sure of it. Lunch anyone?

-M

* * *

_A/N: At long last! Chapter 20 is here! We are SO VERY SORRY for taking forever with this. But as soon as Tiger came back we had to get right into school with all its homework, assignments and mid-year exams. Then as soon as we tried to work on some Advice Thingy, MSN decided to stop working. So it took as a while. But now it is done! Yay!_

_It's bloody long too… 4,600 words/27 pages long. :/ Whatever._

_R&R and send us your questions!_

_-discombobulated.shoe_

_Hey people. Yay! At long last we have finally updated! I am as enthusiastic as many of you are about it. We are both terribly sorry for the delay. It is as Shoey said, school, exams, technical difficulties, etc. All out of our control, but finally, things are working again and we finally have time to answer your many questions, thanks to the wonderful commencement of the mid-year holidays. _

_And a big thank you to those of you who wished me happy birthday. It was last Monday, (2__nd__ of July) in case any of you want to wish me a belated Happy Birthday. That would be fine too. Either way, I'm happy. And I hope you're all happy and think that the long wait was worth it. _

_Also, if you want to read my favourite birthday present, it's a Marauder fic called The Second of July. You can find it on shoey's profile. It's LilyxJames fluff, but still wonderful. _

_I hope, as much as you do, that the next chapter shall be posted before the end of the holidays. _

_So, enjoy chapter 20 (a milestone I'm sure) and please leave a review on you're way out. _

_- Tiger-Cub684 _


	21. Chapter 21

_A/N: Chapter the Twenty-first, in which there are copious RvB references, a vote and a story._

* * *

**Dear Marauders... EXCEPT JAMES!**

**Something needs to be done. There is nowhere in the Gryffindor common room- nay, the SCHOOL, that is completely safe. Since James is your friend, it is your job to tell him that we are here to learn, not watch him and Lily snog. For the love of God, the First Years! THE FIRST YEARS! If saying so doesn't work, WHAT CAN BE DONE?**

**- Yours, Horrified Beyond Belief**

---

Moony, did you write this one?

-S

---

No. This is a genuine cry from the public.

-M

---

This is such an outrage; I have absolutely no idea what this person is talking about. You people are bribing people to gang up on me, aren't you?

- J

---

James, didn't you read whom this question was addressed to? "Dear Marauders... EXCEPT JAMES" You don't actually get a say in the matter.

-M

---

Yeah, and I've eaten all Moony's bribing chocolate so we don't have anything to bribe with anyway!

-S

---

I think I deserve an opportunity to defend myself, or is this an unjust country?

- J

---

We could bribe them with you're firewhiskey?

- P

---

NO WE COULDN'T.

-S

---

That's right Sirius; you're finally making some sense. We shouldn't distribute alcohol to underage wizards.

-M

---

Er… Yeah... that's what I meant.

-S

---

Spoil sports.

- P

---

And what about me? Am I to go on being picked on? Because I will not stand for such a thing! I am a Potter after all. I deserve to strut around the school and snog my girlfriend whenever and wherever I want. No one would dare oppose me

- J

---

Actually Jamsie, I feel a change on the winds. Ever since you went stable, all your female admirers needed someone new to look upon in awe. There's been a recent pro-Sirius movement in this school if you ask me. _Viva la revolution!_

-S

---

Sirius, the girls have always liked you, it's just now you have even more. It's hardly much of a change. And certainly not a revolution.

- J

---

You keep telling yourself that. And before you know it, BAM! You have a civil war on your hands.

-S

---

I think you're over dramatising things a bit Sirius.

-M

---

I think he's been reading too much history. It could be dangerous. I think we should confiscate his books before he becomes lethal.

- P

---

How dare you accuse me of such folly, you evil rebel! To the guillotine!!

- S

---

Sirius, the guillotine hasn't been in use for over a hundred years.

– J

---

Shall we call you Marie Antoinette from now on Sirius?

-M

---

I think that's a great idea.

- J

---

I don't.

- Marie.

---

Hey! It's SIRIUS!

- MARIE

---

What have you done to the parchment Moony?

- Marie

---

Nothing. It just agrees with us is all.

-M

---

Hehehe, I like it.

- Dorothy

---

What the…why - Remus, what did you do? My name is James!

– Dorothy

---

Are you sure about that? Maybe you should ask Toto.

-M

---

Ha ha! Good one Moony!

-Toto

---

No!

- Toto

---

Ha! Pete's a little rat-dog!

- Marie

---

I am not! Dogs are smelly and slobbery

- Toto

---

Dogs are the most intelligent, cleanest, bestest, smartest animals in the world Pete, and you should be honoured to be named after one.

– Marie

---

Great, so I'm Dorothy, Pete's Toto and Sirius is Marie, what does that make you, Remus?

- Dorothy

---

Who me?

-God

---

What? God? How dare you call yourself a deity. If I was religious, I would be outraged!

- Dorothy

--

I did no such thing. The parchment must be acting up.

- Lord Remus Almighty, bow before his greatness!

---

Yeah, so it conveniently makes you a deity and suggests we worship you.

- Dumbass

---

Ha! James is a dumbass!

- Airhead

---

Stop making it call us names!

- Dimwitted Deer

---

I'm not making it do anything; some things about magic are just unpredictable.

- All Hail, King Remus, Ruler of Everything!

---

He! You people are being insulted by paper.

- Rich Brat

---

What!? I am NOT a brat. Stupid paper. What does it know?

- boywhothinkseveryoneloveshimandisapig-headedarse

---

Just make it stop!

- Has Horns

---

How would I make it stop? I'm not doing anything.

- Wet Blanket

---

Wha...

- Wet blanket

---

Ha! I can do it to!

-Sex God

---

Good one Sirius, now, make it like me!

- Talented Lover

---

Yes!

- Talented Lover

---

What about me?

- Dog hating rat-face

---

Sirius this is immature!

- Know-it-all-stick-in-the-mud

---

Quite the contrary actually, I think this is brilliant. We could sell paper like this and make a ton.

- Horny Beast

---

But Moony, _I'm not doing anything_. Magic is unpredictable right?

- Too Sexy For His Shirt

---

Please give me a good name! Please!

- Whiny Child

---

You have to earn it, whiny child.

- Better Than You

---

James, that's not a bad idea actually.

- Smells Like Mothballs

---

How? Tell me how! I'll do anything!

- Pain In The Rear

---

Why thank you. My parents always said I had a good head for business. But we're still not giving you a good name.

- Most Intelligent Business Man

---

Anything you say? Well, I think we could come to some kind of arrangement.

- Ingenious Master of Ideas

---

Anything? Oh bother, what am I getting myself into?

- Foolish Baby

---

What are you going to make him do?

- Graceful Hooved Mammal

---

Petey, read this, and we'll give you a good name

- Almighty Master of all he sees

---

What?! I am not reading this out!

- Toast Loving Infant

---

Do it or we'll call you degrading names for the rest of your life

- Handsome Lad Who Is Dating A Flowery Girl

---

Fine, but you had better give me a good name for this.

- Is Caving In

---

Just read it.

- Hot Stud

---

I would just like to say… that I suck… and that I'm girl… and I like ribbons in my hair… and I want to kiss all the boys. Good enough for you?

- Sucked In

---

Ha ha! Brilliant

- Oh Wonderful Master of Quidditch

---

I can't believe that worked! Sometimes I amaze myself

- Prince of Love

---

James, Sirius, this is completely juvenile!

- Someone You Should Listen To Because He Is Right

---

Oh no! He enchanted the parchment again!

– Dog-breath

---

What are you doing to the parchment? Put your wand down!

- Arrogant Horn Head

---

What about me? Give me a good name!

- Poor Foolish Child Who Listened To The Dimwitted Ones

---

This is an outrage! First you try and turn people against me, and now you're calling us names. Why? What did I ever do to you?

- Ass-faced Deer Spawn

---

Peter, you should stand up to those Twits.

- The Most Almighty Source of All Knowledge

---

Ah Moony, poor naive Moony. You forget, two can play at that game.

- Too Cool For School

---

"Too cool for school"? Sirius, that's too lame for words.

-The King Of Lame

---

Says the King of Lame

- Awesome Sidekick

---

What? You made me a sidekick! How dare you!

- Average Sidekick

---

You go down a sidekick rating every time you complain.

- Canine Master Of Excellence

---

Damn you Sirius!

- Bad Sidekick

---

Sirius, I think there was a question to be answered. So let's just stop this childish game and get back to answering it.

- VERY Wet Blanket. SOAKING Blanket. Abso-bloody-luetly SATURATED Blanket.

---

Yes, I agree. You're getting too big headed. You need to be deflated.

- Simply Terrible Sidekick

---

Yes, I agree. Stop or give me a good name.

- Annoying Rat Boy

---

Thank you James, and Peter! I'm glad someone agrees with me.

- Chocolate Obsessed Git

---

Fine fine, I guess three against two is majority. I'll stop soon

- Prince of Bow Chika Bow Wow

---

Now.

- Annoying Goody Two Shoes

---

I think it would be ironic if we were made of ice… I mean, stop now! I can't keep up with all these names.

- Blue Pudgy One

---

Fine. Fine! Go ahead and ruin all my fun!

-Sirius (see I've stopped! ... gits.)

---

That's better.

- M

---

Oh really.

- cabMoose

---

Oh, sorry Jamsie

- S

---

It had better be over. Now, is the question done yet?

- J

---

I think it is. Yay!

- P

---

No, we haven't told you how much of a prat you are yet for scarring the First Years.

-M

---

I like my name better anyway.

- P

---

So, yeah. You are a prat for scarring the First Years. Now we're done, I think.

-S

---

Well, personally, I think this question has gone for far too long, so let's make it quick. I will do as I please, where I please, when I please and in front of who I please… as long as Lily doesn't mind. End of story.

- J

---

Well... I suggest a compromise. You can do whatever you want, wherever you want, in front of whoever you want, as long as you blindfold all the First Years. And all the Slytherins, because they're a house of perverted voyeurs and you know it.

-S

---

Agreed.

- J

---

Can you blindfold me too?

- P

---

Sure, whatever you want.

- J

* * *

**Dear anyone,**

**What's the best way to ask someone out that doesn't know you like them without making a fool of yourself 'cause your not that popular?**

**-HBP wants a girl**

---

Well, if you want ways to ask someone out without making a fool of yourself don't ask James for advice.

-S

---

I resent that. Besides, it doesn't matter any more. Lily does love me so there.

- J

---

Anyway, it's not as if _you_ can talk Sirius.

-M

---

Excuse me Remus I have never been rejected, thank-you-very-much.

- S

---

Maybe you should get a friend to ask that person if they would go out with you. James used to make me do that, back in first year. Before he got all confident.

- P

---

Yeah, James was a bit wimpy in first year. Good thing he had me to whip him into shape.

-S

---

What about Stephanie, Sirius?

- J

---

She was American. She couldn't understand a word I said. Too much of a language barrier.

- S

---

Sure it was. We so believe you, Padfoot.

- J

---

I'm familiar with sarcasm you dimwit.

- S

---

Oh, I'm the dimwit, am I? Well at least I don't look under my bed every night to look for monsters.

- J

---

James has a point Sirius. Though, I don't really blame you considering the nature of what's under your bed.

-M

---

Yeah, that place is scary...

-P

---

What? How dare you all! I do not look for monsters under my bed every night. I look for Slytherins

- S

---

Those bastards!  
- J

---

I know.

- S

---

Why would there be Slytherins under your bed? You're being incredibly paranoid.

-M

---

Oh, I dunno Moony. You never know with Slytherins, those slimy buggers!

-S

---

Yeah. One time, I overheard a pair of them talking about planting a huge pile of dung bombs in the Gryffindor common room and setting them off just before lights out. That amount of stink would've stunk out the entire wing for months. It's a good thing that they were talking about this outside the broom closet that Lily and I were in at the time.

- J

---

Why am I not surprised?

- M

---

It's a good thing that we managed to body-bind them and seal them in the afore mentioned closet. I think they're still in there…

- J

---

Yeah, it's a good thing you did that James, because then there was no one to stop us when we planted a huge pile of dung bombs in the Slytherin common room and set them off just before lights out. That amount of stink was enough to evacuate the entire dungeons! It was quite impressive.

-S

---

I'm sure.

-M

---

Hey, weren't we supposed to be answering a question?

–P

---

I think so, but as usual, I blame Moony for getting us lost in all the ramblings of conversation. It's all your fault Moony. How could you lead us astray?

- J

---

Actually James, that was _you._ And probably Sirius too. And Pete didn't help either.

-M

---

Sure, blame it on anyone but yourself.

-S

---

As usual. So, what was that question?

- J

---

Something about asking someone out without looking like James when he was asking Lily out.

-P

---

Oh right. That one. Well, aside from the above-mentioned tips (I'm sure we said something helpful up there… maybe), you could always surprise your crush with something they like. That could be a good icebreaker.

- J

---

Yeah, like flowers. James tried that back in Third Year. Lily shoved them down his trousers. He was called Pollen Pants for a week.

- P

---

Yeah, thanks for reminding me, Pete.

- J

---

I hate it when you stare at me like that. It's scary.

- P

---

That was hilarious! You could always write a song for them! Remember _Ode To Lily_ James? That was gold that was.

-S

---

Yes, gold. That worked _really well_. You guys are terrible at dating advice. Absolutely terrible. I'm surprised you get so many.

- J

---

I don't.

- P

---

I meant Sirius.

- J

---

Oh.

- P

---

That's because I'm sexy. I don't have to rely on the uncertain dating techniques that stringy Quidditch players like yourself do.

- S

---

Sirius, can we maybe give out some actual helpful advice to our questioners? Just once?

-M

---

Moony, I'm sure they'd rather hear about how sexy I am.

-S

---

Stringy? I'm the captain of the Gryffindor team!

- J

---

And a stringy one at that.

-S

---

I agree. All this hate is too much bad feng shui.

- P

---

I am so not stringy! I didn't want to mention this now on the Advice Thingy, but you leave me no choice. You're getting pudgy!

- J

---

-S

---

Oh no.

-P

---

WHAT!!

-S

---

Sirius, calm down. James didn't try to hex _you_ when you said he was stringy.

-M

---

You heard me. You've been eating too much pudding and Remus' chocolate. You're getting pudgy. Look, you have a muffin top.

- J

---

Aw, there there Sirius, don't cry.

-M

---

I think he's more likely to explode than cry. Here, eat more chocolate. It'll make you feel better.

- P

---

SHUT UP MOONY I AM NOT CRYING. James, you've overstepped the line with this one. I'm sure all our readers will agree. I AM NOT PUDGY. At all.

-S

---

Oh really? Then why did Jenna cancel you're "date" tonight? She doesn't even _have_ a cat. You're getting fat and everyone it noticing it.

- J

---

Right that's it. You. Me. Outside. Now. I'm gonna punch your lights out!

-S

---

Hey, there's no need to get violent—

-M

---

There's every need to get violent. Some people just need to have sense knocked into them.

-S

---

Ah! I'm so scared! I'm being threatened by a marshmallow man!

- J

---

Yeah, you should be. ... Wait... MARSHMALLOW MAN????

- S

---

Hehe, this is hilarious. The angrier he gets, the more like a glazed cherry he looks.

- J

---

Er... maybe we should all take a few deep breaths and discuss this like civilised gentlemen.

-M

---

OR MAYBE WE SHOULD TOSS JAMES OUT THE WINDOW.

-S

---

Um. No. No tossing people out the window. James stop winding Sirius up. Sirius, use your _inside voice_.

-M

---

Now he looks like a blueberry sundae.

- J

---

I DON'T HAVE AN INSIDE VOICE!

-S

---

This is more fun than turning Pete's socks into slugs.

- J

---

So that's why my feet are slimy…

- P

---

I WILL KILL YOU!

- S

---

Now now Sirius. If you try to kill James, I'm sure you'll regret it.

-M

---

What's new? You make that threat almost every week. We both know you're too chubby to come over here and actually do it.

- J

---

James, I think maybe this isn't a great time to—

-M

---

AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!

-S

---

Sirius! Calm down! Put that chair down! Yes… that's right... no. No wait! Don't try to throw Peter at James!

-M

---

HEEELLLP MEEEEEE!!!

-P

---

Hehehe I think it's kind of funny that I'm not scared of you.

- J

---

Right this has gone on long enough!

-M

---

_Boom_!

---

Hey... what did you do Moony!

-S

---

Gees Moony, careful. You almost got me.

- J

---

Ha! Sirius is stuck to the roof!

-P

---

And what did you think this would achieve?

-S

---

Er... peace and harmony?

-M

---

Ha from down here you can see his "Love Handles" even clearer.

- J

---

Hey, you stay away from my love handles! MOONY GET ME DOWN FROM HERE.

-S

---

Don't worry Sirius; acceptance is the first step.

- J

---

James, I'm going to stick you up there too if you don't stop this nonsense right now.

-M

---

But you don't understand. I only want to help him! And make that little vein pop, but mostly help him.

- J

---

Sure. Sure you do. I believe you. We all believe you James.

-M

---

Throw him out the window Remus! Please? For me?

-S

---

Sirius, your puppy-dog eyes aren't as effective from this angle so don't even try it.

-M

---

No, seriously, I do want to help. When my Uncle Arthur was trying to loose weight he went on this awesome diet. You should try it. And we can do extra Quidditch practices. Not to loose weight, but because you really need practice.

- J

---

Grr! Why you!... I can't get you from up here! LET ME DOWN!

-S

---

I'm shocked and appalled. I'm sincerely trying to help, yet you continue with the death threats. For shame.

- J

---

This is, this is getting nowhere. I have an idea. And don't worry I'm sure it's something you'll like. We'll have a vote between the readers, the if they think James is right, they have too write their name down on the parchment we'll put up on the notice board in the common room. But if they think Sirius is right, they'll write their name on a separate piece of parchment in the same place. The one with the most names wins and the looser has to do... Something. I'll leave that up to your imaginations.

-M

---

Oh good idea. I know all the girls will want him to tone up a bit. Siriusly Sirius, you are way too sensitive about this.

- J

---

Fine! You're on James! The looser has to... do whatever the winner says for a day! I hope you're ready for enslavement.

- S

---

Ha! I hope you're ready for the work-out of your life and a week of nothing but cabbage.

- J

---

Okay. That's settled then! Lets move on to the next question and let the readers sort this one out.

-M

---

You're on!

- J

---

Right back at you!

- S

---

So, who will win? Only you can decide. Vote away!

- P

* * *

**Dear Marauders, **

**Why did you start this advice thingy? Only Moony, with the occasional Prongs gives out good advice. Were you that bored, or had you used up all the good pranks already?**

**- The all knowing, all-powerful, goddess of the universe**.

---

What about me? I give good advice!

-S

---

Well, supposed "All knowing goddess", it all started on a sunny winter day. Peter was chasing the invisible butterflies, Remus was reading (as usual) and Sirius was off on a "date" with Hilary from Ravenclaw. I had just been rejected, yet again, by Lily and was looking for something to improve my mood.

-J

---

Oh great, he's in story mode.

- P

---

So, I was walking past the library, and I overheard a few first years saying how hard everything was and how they really needed someone to help them out. So, being the generous person I am, I swung by and spent the next hour teaching them all about Transfiguration. They were doing potions at the time, but none-the-less, they thanked me for it, and it gave me such a good feeling. I decided that I wanted to share the love some more.

-J

---

Oh god, here we go.

- S

---

So, that night when my fellow Marauders and I were chilling in the common room, I pitched the idea and _bam!_ The Marauders' Advice Thingy was born. Wasn't that a great story?

- J

---

Actually it was more like "Oi mates! Those first years are really thick. Can't even transfigure a match into a pin! How 'bout that eh?" and then I said, "James, that's not very nice, they're only beginners." And then James said, "I did it on my first go though! It's not hard." Then I frowned because he was being egotistical and he said, "Don't give me that face Remus, I gave them a few pointers. They sure needed it." And then I said, "Well at least you're helping someone for once. Giving them advice instead of leading them down the path to darkness". And then James said, "Hey! That's an idea! Let's lead people down the path to darkness but cunningly disguise it as one of those advice thingies! Lily will love me! Blah blah blah Lily blah blah blah." And then Sirius said "Anything to make you bloody shut up about Lily bloody Evans." And that's how it started.

-M

---

You had to steal my moment, didn't you?

- J

---

You never had it. And remember I'm still angry with you for the last question.

- S

---

It's only the truth.

-M

---

The truth is so annoying.

- J

---

Actually, I don't remember James going "blah" so many times...

-P

---

Oh he did, he was half drunk.

- S

---

Oh yeah... That was that time when he stole your stash of firewhiskey.

-P

---

He was on another low after Lily rejected him again. I should have never introduced him to firewhiskey.

- S

---

No you shouldn't have. I said as much at the time but you were all "nah! It'll be fine! We can all have a laugh at him about it after and he won't even remember!"

-M

---

Yeah, I'm sure if Lily knew how depressed he used to get, she would feel really guilty.

- P

---

No wonder I have so many nights I don't remember.

- J

---

Yeah... also I'm quite nifty with a memory charm. It was for your own good, I didn't think you'd want to remember that particular night.

-S

---

Which night was this?

-P

---

I don't like where this is going…

- J

---

You know. That one time. With Lily. And James. And that thing. And the "Lily! Wanna shnog!" and the "Potter are you drunk?" and the "nah!" and then... ahem. Well. James tried to conjure some flowers for Lily... and... Well, he was pretty drunk because giant spiders aren't _anything like_ flowers.

-S

---

Is that why she was mysteriously covered in big red bite marks and wouldn't look me in the eye for a month? Because I thought that was because someone… well, you don't want to know what I thought. I can't believe I would do something like that. Why is Lily still dating me?

- J

---

To be fair, you thought they were flowers. But maybe you shouldn't have gotten so drunk in the first place. That was really quite irresponsible.

-M

---

Oh and you can talk can you? It's not like you've never dipped into my stash, eh Moony?

-S

---

I was depressed again. Why does Sirius insist on using alcohol as a cure for depression? It never works.

- J

---

Course it works. It shuts you up. Well, it shuts up the crying. And drunk dancing you is funnier.

- S

---

Yes. We have photos. Many many photos.

-M

---

Not helping.

- J

---

Yeah! There was this one time when you nearly moonwalked down the stairs, but Sirius dragged you back just in time.

-P

---

Am I not a lifesaver?

-S

---

Well, considering you're the one who gives me the alcohol, I think it's the least you could've done. You are so the cause of all my problems.

- J

---

No, I solve them. You cause them.

-S

---

Actually, most of the problems he causes himself he does when he's drunk, or when you've told him to do something stupid.

-M

---

Well, it's his fault for agreeing! Gees, James. Get a backbone.

-S

---

Because you make me. Who is one who always tells me to go and give it "one more go" and ask out Lily again; You. Who gives me the firewhiskey when I go into a depressing spiral after she rejects me again; you. Who then creates dangerous situations to take advantage of me when I'm drunk, for his amusement; you. You, Sirius are the cause of problems.

- J

---

Hey! That was uncalled for. I was only trying to help. If I hadn't told you to keep persisting you and Lily may never have gone out! And anyway, think of all the fond memories of your failed attempts. Would you really want it any other way?

-S

---

I have a drinking problem, what do you think?

- J

---

It's more of a Sirius problem...

-M

---

And that too. See what he's done to me?

- J

---

What's this? Gang up on Padfoot day? That's right, _every little thing_ that's wrong in your lives has to be _my_ fault. So fine! None of you can have any of my firewhiskey ever again! And if you ever need help, well you can look to someone else because I don't want to cause you any more _trouble_.

-S

---

Come now Sirius, is that really appropriate? I mean, firewhiskey's okay every now and then. It's not like I ban you from my chocolate every time you get on my nerves.

-M

---

I thought you'd be all for this "no alcohol" development Moony.

-S

---

Er... well... I mean. We're all friends right? We should have ... er... sharing... vibes. Don't you think?

-M

---

I'm an alcoholic now. You can't cut me off now!

- J

---

Too late. It's done now. No more firewhiskey for you.

-S

---

Damn you!

- J

---

Why are we all yelling at each other?

- P

---

Because James is being a prat.

-S

---

Because Sirius is being a prat.

-M

---

And now Remus is being a prat too!

-S

---

Becasue he cut me off!

- J

---

Because Sirius isn't contributing to the sharing vibes!

-M

---

Prats!

-S

---

Erm... okay then.

-P

---

Need…alcohol…

- J

---

James, you've hardly drunk anything since you started drinking Lily's saliva and now you all of a sudden _need_ firewhiskey, just at the same moment I say you can't have mine anymore?

-S

---

I can't feel my legs any more. I think my body is failing for the lack of alcohol

- J

---

I sort of agree with Sirius here, you're being ridiculous James.

-M

---

Yay! Someone finally agrees with me! But don't think you're getting any firewhiskey out of it Remus.

-S

---

Damn...

-M

---

Just give me the firewhiskey and no one will get hurt!

- J

---

And you go off at _me_ all the time for my drinking habits. "Sirius it's bad for you!" and "Sirius think of what you're doing to your liver!" and now look at you! Raving loonies you lot.

-S

---

I can see the red in his eyes. It looks like an albino rabbit. My uncle was killed by an albino rabbit.

- P

---

Killed by an albino rabbit?

-M

---

Yeah, it had big sharp pointy teeth!

-P

---

Justgiveittome…please, I'm begging you.

- J

---

Begging me? Really? Are you that desperate? Would you do _anything_?

-S

---

Anything!

- J

---

Oh dear, I can see where this is headed.

-M

---

Quickly say no and run before you get locked into something nasty!

- P

---

Well if _that's_ the case, there may be _something_ you could do to change my mind... Moo ha ha ha haaaa!

-S

---

Gee, you're really good at that evil laugh...

-P

---

Thank you, Pete. I've been practicing.

-S

---

Oh dear.

- J

---

That just about covers it.

-M

---

Dance for me.

- S

---

That's it? Dance?

- J

---

Oh, I'm not finished. You dance naked, in the Great Hall, at dinnertime, and to the muggle song "Do You Believe In Magic" and then announce your love for McGonagall.

- S

---

No. Way. In. Hell.

- J

---

Followed by an encore of another muggle song, "Higher and Higher".

- S

---

Still not doing it.

- J

---

Fine, then I guess you don't want any firewhiskey. Ever. Again.

-S

---

Don't give in James! Fight it! Fight it!

-M

---

But... but... argh! Mijimble.

- J

---

What was that?

- S

---

Oh no, I think he's caving.

- P

---

I said, fine.

- J

---

No! James! We just talked about this. This is the part where everything goes wrong. What would Lily say?

-M

---

You've made a lot of girls really happy, Jamsie ol' pal.

- S

---

On one condition.

- J

---

What?

- S

---

Lily isn't there.

- J

---

Why not? I'm sure she's seen it all before.

- P

---

I couldn't stand her being embarrassed like that.

- J

---

James, you coward. You shame Gryffindors everywhere.

-M

---

This is hard enough as it is Moony; don't make it worse. I have to.

- J

---

No you don't. The Hogs Head has no restraint about serving firewhiskey to underage wizards. Where do you think Sirius gets it?

-M

---

Well, you do make a good point there Remus.

- J

---

Of course I do.

-M

---

NO! Prongsie think of all the women!

- S

---

I think _you_ do that enough already Sirius. Besides, if you want to please them so much, why don't _you_ do it?

-M

---

Are you crazy? They'll all laugh at me. My Black pride just can't take that kind of abuse.

- S

---

What, and Potter Pride can?

- P

---

What Potter Pride?

-S

---

I hate you so much.

- J

---

I love you too pal. Now come on, lets go over the lyrics so you don't stuff up and make a fool of yourself.

- S

---

You're not _really_ going through with this?

-M

---

No way.

- J

---

'Course he is. It will be hilarious!

- S

---

I am NOT doing this. Not for all the firewhiskey in the world.

- J

---

Well, that's settled then. What about the question? Or did you forget what we were doing before all this talk of firewhiskey and muggle songs came up?

-M

---

What question? Oh how we came up with the Thingy. Well, I thought we agreed it was because of my genius. Case closed.

- J

---

You? Genius? Don't make me laugh.

-S

---

I didn't see you coming up with such a fantastic concept.

- J

---

Yeah, well... shut up!

-S

---

Good one Sirius, really great.

-M

---

See, I am a genius. Now, I think this matter has been dealt with. End of question.

- J

* * *

_A/N: Ahoy there! First of all, thanks a bunch to everyone who's reviewed, faved, alerted &c. &c. You make us all smiley on the inside :)_

_Alrighty, the vote is for real people. Tell us who you vote for in your review! Who will win? James or Sirius? Personally I vote Sirius, but it's up to you :)_

_Also, as alluded to in the beginning AN, our obsessive selves have left gratuitous Red vs. Blue references in this chappie, if you can spot all of them you win cookies! And I think there's a Monty Python reference in there too… We might have gone a bit overboard :/ (Also, if you've never seen RvB, go watch it. Now.)_

_Anyway, as always, R&R and send us your questions!_

_-discombobulated.shoe_

_Well, this chapter has been a long time coming. Sorry for the delay. We blame school, as usual. So, yes, it's up to you all to decide. Will James get his way and whip Sirius back into shape (come on! Think of the six-pack!) or will the slightly pudgy Sirius win and enslave James for a whole day. Only you're votes can decide. _

_A reminder, we're sorry if many of you are looking forward to see your questions and have them not come. We've got a long list and it's only fair that the earlier questions get done first. Although we may disregard ones which are no longer relevant according to the story. Sorry, but that's the way the cookie crumbles (Bruce Almighty). As mentioned, yes we have numerous Red Versus Blue references. For those of you who don't know what in the world RvB is, it is a Machimma made using the Halo games. It's absolutely hilarious. We greatly suggest you watch it. You can find videos at www . roosterteeth . com (minus the spaces) and YouTube. Go see it. The reader who can list the most RvB references wins a mention and a big bag of cookies. Chocolate Chip Cookies. _

_As always, keep sending us your praise and questions and requests. Especially the questions. And try to think original. Anything new and unique may get bumped up the list. _

_So, remember, Vote James or Sirius, keep sending in the questions, and have a great day!_

_R&R!_

_Tiger-Cub684_


	22. Chapter 22

_A/N: Chapter Twenty Two, otherwise known as Special Birthday Chappie Extraordinaire! In which resides slavery, deceased pet goldfish, vegetable people, questionnaires, gratuitous PDA and Lily!_

* * *

**Dear God (Remus)**

Yeah, that's right. Remus is God. God is all knowing, just like Remus.

This whole Lily and James randomly snogging thing is totally getting out of hand. Have they no shame? Honestly, I was outside with my boyfriend working on a big NEWT project for Potions, and they were really going at it. And we really need a good grade on this project. So I ask you God , from the bottom of my heart, to appeal to the other party on this matter. PLEASE ask Lily to put a leash on James. PLEASE. Because both my boyfriend and I agree that James is most likely the main instigator with this disgusting PDA business.

To James: You are not god. Don't strut around the corridors acting like it. Remus is God. End of story.

To Sirius: I unfortunately, agree with James. You have gained a little weight, and your aim with a bludger is a little off (or so my boyfriend says). But it's nothing that James's rigorous Quidditch practices won't fix. I'm more concerned with the fact that you're not getting enough sun. You're as pale as an albino. Honestly, do you have ANY idea how hot you would be if you were tan and you had a six pack ! (By the way, don't get any ideas. I'm moving in with my boyfriend when we graduate).

Maybe God can give you some support with your campaign to become hotter. Although I don't think God would want to blow up your ego any further than it already is. I think God may do so because he's your friend (am I right God?)

But honestly God, PLEASE go to Lily about this. I'm so stressed right now over this project. It seems like wherever I go, Lily and James are doing everything but having sex.

- A Very Stressed, Very Irritated Ravenclaw

---

What?! I find this quite insulting. Isn't it Lily?

- J

---

Yes, I agree. Very insulting.

- L

---

What's she doing here?

- S

---

Sirius, that's no way to greet someone.

-M

---

Greetings oh fair maiden! How are you? It's simply _lovely_ to have you here! How do you do?

-S

---

There's no need to be sarcastic.

- L

---

I was just trying to be polite for once, no need to _thank_ me or anything.

-S

---

You know, I'm pretty sure that last time, we had some kind of poll started.

- L

---

Shh! Don't remind him!  
- J

---

Oh yeah. I remember that one. The one SOMEBODY won. I wonder WHO? Oh wait... It was ME wasn't it? Do YOU remember who WON James? I'm pretty sure it was ME.

-S

---

Don't get too excited. Can you give us a summary of the results, Remus?

- L

---

Well, as I recall, it was Sirius with eleven votes and James with eight... and er... I had two votes. I don't know why, I wasn't even _in_ the vote... Anyway, Sirius won, so I suppose James is his slave now.

-M

---

Ha! I am triumphant!

- S

---

Maybe, but only by a few votes. and there are many people who agree about the getting into shape thing, including the person who wrote this question.

- L

---

James, control you're woman. She's trying to out-smart me and I think it's working.

- S

---

No, I agree with her. And I saw you bribing and threatening people to vote for you, so it wasn't a fair poll.

- J

---

What? I have no idea what you were talking about.

- S

---

Then why do the second years keep ducking behind walls every time they see you?

- L

---

Well… I… damn you.

- S

---

Ah ha! I believe a compromise is in order.

- J

---

What! You're just trying to get out of being my slave.

- S

---

No, how about this, I'll still be you're slave, but you have to do extra Quidditch practices with me. Seriously, I'm only thinking of the team. THE TEAM SIRIUS!

- J

---

How about... NO. I won fair and square. And it's not like I NEED the practice anyway.

-S

---

I think James is being perfectly reasonable, I mean, it's not like you couldn't be BETTER at Quidditch. And if you DID threaten the Second Years then he has good reason for a compromise.

-M

---

Exactly.

- J

---

Of course you'd side with HIM Moony, I mean when you think about it, YOU lost. With your lowly two votes. A couple of LOOSERS are trying to take away my rightful prize.

-S

---

I wasn't _in_ the vote Sirius.

-M

---

Sirius, I may not know much about Quidditch, although James is teaching me a little, but I'm pretty sure you're supposed to his the bludgers towards the other team, not ours.

- L

---

Sanchez is still recovering from that head injury you gave him last time. He was one of our best new chasers!  
- J

---

Sanchez is an arsehole. Did you know he was dating my girlfriend behind my back at the time? I mean, _I_ cheat on people, not the other way around! He had to have some sense knocked into him.

-S

---

Sirius, you don't have a girlfriend, and Sanchez is in his Second Year. You had no reason to knock out a twelve-year-old.

- J

---

Not _your_ definition of girlfriend, I don't go around sucking face in front of Ravenclaw couples innocently doing their potions projects! I prefer the romance of the broom cupboard thank-you-very-much. Unlike some people, I have a sense of _decency_. And Sanchez is one dirty little twelve-year-old.

-S

---

A sense of decency? You know, that's funny coming from you.

-M

---

What? So you're dating little kids now? That is so wrong.

- J

---

What! No! Sanchez's girlfriend was 15.

- S

---

Oh, you must be talking about Sanchez's older brother's girlfriend. It's still not good to take it out on his little brother.

- L

---

How do you know all this?

- J

---

I HAVE TWO LEFT SHOES ON.

-P

---

What?

-M

---

Sorry, I just felt left out...

-P

---

And I DO have two left shoes on.

-P

---

I'm a girl. I hear all kinds of things. And Derrick Sanchez is a very nice person. I doubt he would be stealing people's girlfriends.

- L

---

I am still not doing more Quidditch practice.

- S

---

What? You're still here? You know, if you love Quidditch as much as you claim to, you should want to do it more.

- J

---

Whatever, you know what? SILENCE SLAVE. That's what.

-S

---

Ha! The joke is on you! I can talk though Lily.

- Lily speaking for James

---

Bloody slave...

-S

---

Sirius, I think you should use your new won powers for good, remember the question? I think maybe there's something you can do to help this poor, faithful (God shall reward you) Ravenclaw.

-M

---

Oh yeah... right... Quit it with the PDA slave.

-S

---

That's rich coming from _you_. And this is my outcry, not James'.

- L

---

You have fun with your outcry Lily, but my slave is to practice chastity until the end of his service. I mean, it's not _me,_ it's the readers. Nothing we can do about it really. I'm doing this FOR THE PEOPLE. Just like James' "for the team" mentality. But on a larger scale.

- S

---

But… but… you can't do that! That's unfair! And James agrees with me.

- L

---

Oh yeah, I forgot why he was so quiet... you can talk now James.

-S

---

About sodding time! How dare you silence me! And how dare you try and make me chaste! My own best friend of all people!

- J

---

I know after all the time's we've had to put up with him, gallivanting around like he's the king.

- L

---

Really Lily, things have gotten a bit out of hand lately. I'm sure both your and James' schoolwork has been suffering as a result.

-M

---

Quite the contrary, we're both top of our classes.

- J

---

But I AM the king. KING SIRIUS! That's me. And Slave agrees with me, don't you slave? (That's an order.)

-S

---

Well, everyone _else's_ schoolwork is suffering as a result. And that's worse.

-R

--

Gah! Fine. Sirius is the King. How long does this enslavement last, Moony?

- J

---

Only for the day. So you're free by midnight.

-M

---

Argh! Fine, if it's such a problem, I suppose we _could_ confine our, more intense displays to a broom cupboard or you're dorm, but we refuse to stop altogether. Can you all handle handholding and kisses on the cheek? Or is that too hard-core?

- L

---

Thank you Lily, that sounds reasonable. The inhabitants of Hogwarts are very grateful.

-M

---

Yes! Revenge will eventually be mine! Only many, many hours to go.

- J

---

And during those many, many hours. I will make the most of your slavedom. Now go get me some pudding.

-S

---

Fine. I'll be back in a few.

- J

---

Wait; do you think you could get me some strawberries while you're in the kitchens? Please Jamsie?

- L

---

Anything for you, my Lily Flower!

- J

---

Ah! He's blowing her kisses!

- P

---

I am the ever-reasonable, centre of wisdom. What else did you expect?

- L

---

And so modest too.

- P

---

You know, even after midnight James won't stop being a slave. Not that he'll realise this of course.

-M

---

What do you mean?

- P

---

Yeah, he's totally Lily's manslave... "Anything for you my Lily flower!" kiss kiss, hug hug, vomit vomit...

-S

---

Shh! Don't tell him.

- L

---

Did you train him to be totally devoted?

- P

---

I didn't need to. He was already like that when I got him.

- L

---

Really? Are you sure there was no puppy training? A shock collar?

-P

---

You realise that you sound like you're talking about some kind of toy or pet. Like a dog. Or, some kind of pet deer.

- S

---

Well, I do like deer. And of course I'm sure. On our first date he insisted on tasting all the food we were served to make sure it wasn't poisoned. He's soo sweet.

- L

---

That, or he wants to eat all your food. You should have seen him the first time we went to the Three Broomsticks. "Sirius? As your BEST FRIEND, I think I should make sure your butterbeer isn't _poisoned_ or anything... Hmm... maybe the poison's closer to the bottom..." That tricky bastard.

-S

---

Well, perhaps, but he did pay for everything, and he was a true gentleman the whole night. Opening doors for me, helping me avoid puddles of slush, and even chasing off that big black dog which kept following us.

- L

---

Oh, I know that dog. Its bite isn't as big as it's bark. It's more like an overgrown puppy really.

-M

---

Actually, that dogs particularly _ferocious_ when it wants to be.

-S

---

Well, it was a little disconcerting. It had these creepy shifty eyes and I swear it was directly following us. Even more reason not to trust it. Good thing James chased it off into the alley.

-L

---

And he lectures _me_ on animal cruelty...

-S

--

Hey everyone, I'm back did I miss anything?

- J

---

Oh I've been craving strawberries all day. Thank you Jamsiekins!

- L

---

Yay! Pudding! Thanks slaveboy!

-S

---

You're welcome Lily Flower. You aren't though, Sirius.

- J

---

A new order. You must address me as either Master, King or Lord of Women.

- S

---

You're such a pig. And not just because you practically breathe in you're pudding.

- L

---

Oh I know.

- S

---

Reminds me of that wolf we met in the forest one time. It tried to eat our pie. DON'T TOUCH MY PIE!

- P

---

Was there a question here?

- L

---

Oh yeah, I completely forgot again. It's a good thing you were here to remind me, my love.

- J

---

Aww, anytime Jamsie wamsie!  
- L

---

Ick. They're getting all lovey-dovey, romantic like. Help!

- P

---

Yes, question. I win, James is my slave, I will do more Quidditch practice and Remus is a sodding wet blanket who thinks he is god. Like my summary?

- S

---

I think, and this may just be my eyes playing tricks on me, that we actually answered the question. And actually solved the problem. And actually contributed to society! Because (as stated somewhere above) Lily agreed to tone down the PDA and sooner or later James and I will get Sirius to do some Quidditch practise. But not until after midnight. And Sirius, I don't think I'm God, others do. Which I find very flattering.

-M

---

Whatever you say, Mr Arrogant Stick In the Mud.

- S

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**Peter: Stand up to Sirius And James. I mean, really****, grow a backbone, you're shaming Gryffindor, and that makes me sad in my shoes. All the Gryffindor Girls feel the same way. Wimpism is NOT the new sexy, mate.**

**Sirius: James is right. You ARE getting a little too, um, **_**cuddly**_**. And your Beating (getcha mind outta the gutter!) needs some serious working on, too. Just think: you ****work out, build some muscles and you'll have more power behind your swings to knock those slimy Slytherins off their brooms! Not to mention perfectly sculpted abs are YUMMEH, so you'll get more girls. **_**I'll**_** be glad to help you out. For once, PLEASE, listen to James. **

**James ****and Lily: If you don't knock off the PDA, I'm gonna have to hex you, James. I have many brothers, and I know some GOOD ones - all involving the groin area and the shrinking (or complete disappearance) of any, er, attributes you may have going for you. And Lily. I'm ashamed of you. Really. All this all-but-public-sex you guys are doing not only covers all levels of wrongness, but creates whole new ones.**

**Remus: Don't ever change. You rule all.**

**- Karma**

---

I thought we settled this nonsense of the PDA before. Case closed.

- J

---

I know. People are so nosy.

- L

--

And see, Sirius, I am right. You were getting all "cuddly". Strange use of words, though.

- J

---

What is this? Gang Up On Sirius Day? Didn't you folks VOTE that I was right? Haven't we settled this already? And my beating (take it in any sense you want) does NOT need work. My beating is perfect.

-S

---

Yes, it is Gang Up On Sirius Day. Didn't we tell you?

- J

---

Har har. Very funny.

-S

---

You almost knocked James off last time. He had to drop the quaffle to get away. If you're beating is perfect, then I think we need a new beater.

- L

---

That's only because James is a prat.

-S

---

It actually is Sirius. Remember in First Year? We assigned today Gang Up On Sirius Day. It's all good fun.

-M

---

Oh yes, I remember the Sirius Hunting. The best Gang Up On Sirius Day event we ever thought of.

- J

---

Can we go Sirius Hunting _now_?

- P

---

NO.

-S

---

Not now, we're answering a question. Maybe a little later, Pete.

- J

----

Yay!

- P

---

Slave (today's not over yet James) I order you to not go Sirius hunting!

-S

---

What? Damn it Padfoot! Why must you ruin my fun?

- J

---

Don't worry Jamsie, we can go Sirius hunting tomorrow. As long as I get to join in. I still haven't gotten him back for calling me a Hoe.

- L

---

That is why I love you, you beautiful, intelligent angel.

- J

---

Aww! Ewwww! Didn't we agree no PDA's?

- P

---

Quiet you.

- J

---

Slave, I order you to only address me as "Sir", "Highness" or "Sex God". (This is fun! We should have a James Slave day!) And there will be no Sirius Hunting. EVER.

-S

---

What! You can't do that! Besides, all rulings today expire by midnight. So there!

- J

---

So? There still won't be any Sirius hunting if you want Mr. Tiddles to live till next year.

-S

---

I was just reading the question. I am not wimpy.

- P

---

Yes you are, hon.

- L

---

Oh, OK.

- P

---

Do your worst! I've got Mr. Tiddles locked away, safe from YOU!

- J

---

Oh, you've never even _seen_ my worst… _yet_... Moo ha ha ha!

-S

---

You know, James is still you slave. You could just order him to give Mr. Tiddles to you...oh wait. Forget I said that...

-M

---

MOO HA HA HA HA!

-S

---

Remus J Lupin, how could you?!

- J

---

Don't worry James. You don't have Tiddles. And I'm not his slave, so the bear is safe.

- L

---

Oh, thank God. It's a good think I gave him to you. Now Sirius can't get his dirty paws on my Tiddle Widdles… I mean, my childhood bear who has sentimental value to me…

- J

---

Tiddle Widdles? Merlin James. You call yourself a man?

-S

---

Don't pick on Jamsie! He's twice the man you'll ever be!

- J

---

And now your woman is fighting your battles. _Real manly_. Not.

- S

**---**

Shut up Sirius. At least I don't still mourn the death of my goldfish, who died five years ago! And you call _me_ unmanly.

- J

---

THAT IS JUST SO INSENSITIVE! You know how much Goldie meant to me! Why did you have to bring that up!? THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR.

-S

---

It's OK. He's gone to a better place.

-M

---

You see! You see! I'm not the only one who can be sensitive. I am not Unmanly.

- J

---

I know James. Being sensitive makes you even more attractive than if you weren't. And you're manly enough when it really counts.

- L

---

Goldie was more of a man then you'll ever be!

-S

---

Shut it Sirius

- L

---

Um… Sirius... Wasn't Goldie a goldfish? Not a man?

-P

---

Exactly.

- J

---

Right back at you mate. Goldfish are manlier than you. Besides, Goldie was the manliest goldfish that ever lived. Real macho, y'know? Unlike a certain DEER I know.

-S

---

Goldie only lived for a week. And he died from too much chlorine! What kind of fish can't even handle a little chlorine? And Deer are WAY manlier then fish.

- J

---

This argument is getting ridiculous.

- L

---

WHY? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP BRINGING THAT UP? WHAT DID HE EVER DO TO YOU?

-S

---

It's all right Sirius. Remember what we said about Fishy Heaven? The chlorine won't get him there.

-M

---

You boys are getting way too emotional. How about we finish up for now, and get back to the Advice Thingy when we've all stopped crying eh?

- L

---

I am not emotional!  
- J

---

I can see the tears running down your cheek from that unmanly comment. And Sirius is going to flood the Common room with his if we don't act quickly.

- L

---

HE WAS A BRAVE LITTLE FISHIE!! He didn't deserve to DIE!

-S

---

So it's settled then; James and Lily need to get a room, Pete needs to be less wimpy, Sirius needs to learn how to hit a bludger and I rule all.

-M

* * *

**Hey Lily Billy,**

**Your favourite animal deer-related? Just curious, cause mine's deer related. Stag, actually. All the other animals (like rats and wolves and dogs) are rather uninteresting. Any input?**

**Curiosity may have killed the cat but nobody said anything about cats, so I'm safe.)**

**-Hazel**

---

_I_ think rats are interesting...

-P

---

Favourite animal eh? Well, actually, my favourite is a Lioness, but only because I feel some kind of affinity with them. But Stags are my number two favourite.

- L

---

Yay! I mean, really? Stag's are my favourite too, what a coincidence! We have SO much in common.

- J

---

Dogs? Uninteresting? What planet is this girl living on!

-S

---

The Planet of HATRED! How can anyone not like rats?

- P

---

Well, I wouldn't exactly call wolves _uninteresting_. I mean, on the whole they can be, er, inconvenient. But not uninteresting.

-M

---

I agree. This person is paying everyone out. But as she likes stags, I have no complaints about her. She must have good taste.

- J

---

Or very poor taste. With the occasional exception.

-M

---

I think she has excellent taste. And I hope she likes cats, because if she doesn't, than she would have bad taste, liking stags or not. And I have to agree with her about the dogs.

- L

---

I repeat what I said before: what kind of person doesn't like dogs?

- S

---

I agree. Canines are by far superior.

-M

---

Not as superior as _rodents_.

-P

---

You guys are biased. Stags are graceful and wise and—

- J

---

Prey.

- S

---

Tasty!

-M

---

...Big...

-P

---

Eww! How could you even think of eating such creatures? Stags are noble and –

- J

---

Good with satay sauce!

- S

---

Stop doing that!  
- J

---

Mmm... Medium rare stag steak... I'm hungry now.

-M

---

Canines are pathetic compared to the grace, superior hunting skills and all-round betterness of the lioness.

- L

---

Yes, lionesses good. Canines bad. Very bad.

- J

---

Lions eat Stags too you know.

- L

---

EVERYONE eats stags.

-M

---

Because they are SUPER TASTY.

-S

---

Yes, but I know YOU wouldn't eat one. You are sane and are nicer.

- J

---

I don't eat stags. I'm partly vegetarian. I only eat chickens, and fish and cows and—

- L

---

That doesn't exactly make you Vegetarian.

- P

---

Well no, but I defiantly don't eat deer or deer related animals. Or ducks, or quail, or bunny rabbits or—

- L

---

OK, we get it. And thank for you not eating my favourite animal. Lions are my second favourite animal too. Especially the lionesses.

- J

---

Aww, we are so the perfect couple!

- L

---

Well, at least you're not vegetarian. I mean, how could you? VEGETABLES ARE PEOPLE TOO. Murderers.

-P

---

Well, I think we can safely say, that this girl is _obviously_ on another planet, or at the very least has horrendous taste. And that just about wraps this one up.

-M

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**I don't have a question. I don't need an advice. Okay, maybe I do. I'm bored to hell and back again. What shall I do to entertain me?**

**Well, I thought that to myself some minutes ago, and than I saw the answer. I'm gonna ask you some questions, and you're gonna answer them. Woohoo! Now:**

**Q 1. What kind of underpants are you wearing?**

**Q 2. What would you rather want; Listen to the same song forever or never hear again?**

**Q 3. How you doin'?**

**Q 4. Have you ever dyed your hair?**

**Q 5. What's your favorite Muggle song?**

**Now, ANSWER!**

**-Gryffindor in blue**

---

Why is a Gryffindor wearing blue?

- P

---

OH! I LOVE questionnaires!

- L

---

Me too! Again, _so_ much in common.

- J

---

Well, I don't have an answer your first question as I'M NOT WEARING ANY.

-S

---

Eeewww! Black, that's disgusting and I _so_ didn't need to know that.

- L

---

My underwear is red. And Lily is wearing a black lace G-string.

- J

---

James, don't tell them that!

- L

---

Not everything is about you. They asked the question, I merely answered it. That's what we do in this thing isn't it?

-S

---

I suppose so.

- L

---

And so I can reveal things about Lily to the whole school - I mean, just kidding. Please don't kill me.

– J

---

Well, contrary to Sirius, I _am_ wearing underpants. Which are white.

-M

---

Pft! So boring. And so predictable. Boring and predictable Remus.

- J

---

Mine have ducky patterns!

-P

---

OK, moving on to the next question. I would rather listen to the same song forever.

- L

---

Same. Music is life. VIVA LA MUSIC!

- J

---

Well, that depends which song it is really.

-M

---

I would listen to it even if it was the worst song in the world. Life would be so devoid and empty without the language of the soul.

- J

---

I'd be the one singing the song forever and getting on people's nerves. So I guess I'd be listening to myself sing.

-S

---

And by that I mean Music.

- J

---

We know James.

-M

---

If it was Sirius singing, then I'd rather not hear it. So I guess I'd rather never hear music again. Sirius has a terrible voice.

-P

---

What about you, Remus?

- L

---

I said before, it depends what song. If it were one I liked, then certainly. If it were, for example, "Ode To Lily", than I think I'd be driven mad within the space of a few hours, let alone eternity.

-M

---

So, the answer is…

- J

---

The answer is "Depends what song." I thought we'd established that.

-M

---

Fine. So, three eternal Music's, one lifeless void and one maybe. What's next?

- J

---

'How you doin'?'. I don't think that's a question. Not really. And this person has terrible grammar. But I am "doin'" fine.

- L

---

I'm doing well thank you very much.

-M

---

Fantabulous as always. Especially when I'm with my Lily Flower.

- J

---

I'm doing that Ravenclaw Fifth Year!

-S

---

Sirius, the question was HOW are you doing, not WHO are you doing.

-M

---

How predictable. Another one. Shouldn't you at least buy her dinner first? Or at least invest in some protection?

– J

---

And a little foreplay wouldn't go amiss either. I've been speaking to the women of the school and you're not exactly the Sex God you claim to be.

- L

---

Geez, do you people delight in raining on my parade? Slave dearest, I order you to stop raining on innocent parades.

-S

---

Why must you keep doing that? I hope you never get any position of power, because I know the power will go to your head and the world will end. All Apocalyptic like.

- J

---

Will Sirius still be "dating" schoolgirls when he's graduated? Because that would be illegal.

- P

---

I certainly hope not. But I can assure you, that if he does; he won't get away with it.

-M

---

Do you people think so little of me?

-S

---

Yes.

-M

---

Shut up you.

-S

---

Oh quiet you pervert. Let's just get to the next question.

- L

---

But I didn't get to say how I was doing!

-P

---

Fine. How are you doing Peter?

-M

---

Okay, I guess.

-P

---

No, my hair is naturally this gorgeous. But Lily dyes hers. She really a natural blonde!

- J

---

What? I am not!

- L

---

Fine, just kidding. But have you ever considered going blonde?

- J

---

I did go blonde once. As a dare. People kept calling me New Girl for a month because they didn't recognize me. It was actually quite interesting.

– L

---

Nope. Never used hair dye in my life. You see, I'm a wizard. I can use a thing called _magic_. Funny that.

–S

---

Magic dying counts as dying your hair. I once accidentally dyed my hair blue. It took five potions and six hexes to get it back.

- P

---

James and Sirius put hair dye in my shampoo once. All I can say is, purple is NOT my colour.

–M

---

Ha! That was funny! I remember that, it took WEEKS to wash out.

-S

---

I know! Ha! I love reminiscing.

- J

---

Ah, good times, good times.

-S

---

So, moving on? Unless anyone has anything else to add.

-M

---

OK, next question. It's the last one left. My favorite muggle song is R.E.S.P.E.C.T. gotta have a little respect! Such an empowering and uplifting song. If muggles are good for anything, it's their music.

- L

---

Oh! I know Remus' favorite Muggle song! "Werewolves of London". Arroooo!

-S

---

My favorite is Close to you. Why do stars, suddenly appear?

- J

---

Shut up Sirius. YOUR favorite song is probably "How Much Is That Doggy In The Window."

-M

---

Why would he like that one?

- P

---

_Actually_ Remus, that song's only my _second_ favorite. (Ha! You think you know everything don't you?). My favorite is My Generation, by The Who. So nya! Take that.

-S

---

Every time, you are near!

- J

---

OK people, calm down—

- L

---

Just like me, they long to be, close to you!

- J

---

James, shut up save it for later!

- L

---

Why later?

- P

---

No reason. And it's not really my favorite song. Its somewhere in my top five, but my real favorite is Crocodile Rock, by Elton John. That guy is fantastic!

- J

---

Well, contrary to popular belief, my favorite muggle song isn't "Werewolves of London", but in fact "I Am The Walrus" by the Beatles.

-M

---

Really? Are you sure it's not Werewolves of London? Are you SURE?

-S

---

I am the eggman, they are the eggmen. I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob!

-M

---

Fine. Be that way. What about you Pete?

-S

---

Ha! Awesome song choice. I think we should have a karaoke night. Yes, what about you Pete?

- J

---

I like Boogie Woogie Bulge Boy by Bette Midler. She's pretty.

- P

---

Ha! Woogie. That's a funny word.

-S

---

Small things amuse small minds.

-M

---

Indeed. Wait a minute! What are you implying there, book boy?

- S

---

Nothing. Nothing at all.

-M

---

Well, that's all of the questions isn't it?

-P

---

I think it is. Shall we move on then?

-M

---

OK, moving on. Well, that was a great little questionnaire you sent us, Gryffindor in Blue. What's next?

- J

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**I have a question for all of you: Where do your nicknames come from? I mean, Prongs sounds like something with very sexual intentions, Padfoot is just weird, Moony sounds gross, and Wormtail sounds evil. I mean, couldn't you have come up with something more creative? Thanks.**

**-A first year**

---

Prongs does have very sexual intentions. Towards _someone_ at least.

-S

---

Gross? My name is not gross!

-M

---

Yes, perhaps, but it's not the only reason. And what about Padfoot? That is definitely strange. What's the dealio Sirius?

– J

---

What's wrong with Padfoot? It's not weird! You know what's weird? Your FACE is weird.

-S

---

I don't have a nickname. But I've always wanted one. Other than Lily Flower. There's nothing wrong with it, but I would like a nickname that isn't just a couple's thing.

- L

---

How about Tits Magee?

- S

---

How about NO?

-L

---

What about Horny Deer Fancier? We could call you HDF for short!

- S

---

What?! No way!

- L

---

So true though.. Er.. I mean. No Sirius. No. Bad Pafoot.

-M

---

Sexy Arse Redhead?

- S

---

No!

- L

---

Bitch-Pants McCrabby?

- S

---

No! How many times do I have to tell you?

- L

---

I like that one! Then I could call you Mrs McCrabby!

- P

---

Grr!

- L

---

Oh, crap. Don't kill me… wait a second, Evil? My name isn't evil! How could I be evil?

-P

---

Yeah, Pete doesn't have the ... er... _capacity_ to be evil.

-S

---

I know, it took us months to teach him that the pointy end of the wand goes out front.

- J

---

I was wondering why everything was coming out backwards...

-P

---

Poor, silly Peter. It's a good thing you know what to do now… most of the time.

- L

---

Well, it's clear to me at least, that this person has _no idea_ what they're talking about. They're probably high, or drunk, or just thick. Because my name isn't gross. That's preposterous. Only someone with their mind in the gutter would think otherwise. Preposterous.

-M

---

Yeah, and Padfoot isn't weird. Why, I was amazed no one else had used it already!

-S

---

Hey, I just got it! Moony is like mooning, which is to pull your pants down and show your arse to people! Ha ha!

- P

---

Gee, you're quick aren't you Pete?

-S

---

That was entirely unnecessary.

-M

---

That's why they call me Fast Eddie.

- P

---

No, that's because you make girls run as fast as Olympic sprinters whenever you are around.

- J

---

Yeah, and they call _me_ Sarcastic Larry.

-S

---

Really?

-P

---

No.

-S

---

Stop picking on Pete. It's not his fault.

- L

---

Thanks Tits Magee.

- P

---

Pete, you're digging yourself into a hole here. It's best not to call the person coming to your defense "Tits Magee".

-M

---

Grr… because you're slow, I'm going to forgive you, again, for that, but my name is Lily.

- L

---

Or Your Highness. I think your nickname should involve some kind of Queen reference.

- J

---

What about me, Tits Magee?

- S

---

You get a big bruise and a black eye to match your filthy mouth!

- L

---

Ah! Tits Magee's getting physical!

-S

---

Fire Queen does not appreciate being talked to like that!

- J

---

Er, Sirius, I wouldn't push her too far if I were you. Lily's stronger than she looks. James would know. Remember all the black eyes she gave him before they were trying to eat each others faces on a regular basis?

-M

---

Every week he looked like he had come out of a war zone.

- P

---

Ha ha, yeah. I can't believe he got beat up by a _girl_. Wait a second, it's James, actually I can.

-S

---

Give me some credit; she's stronger than Kingsley! And just look at the muscles on that guy.

- J

---

Sirius! Are you calling girls _weak_! You chauvinist bastard! I'm fed up with all your sexist comments! There's only so much a girl can take!

-L

---

Ha! Try and hit me-- OW! Bloody-- ow! Ahh! James! Help! HELP!

-S

---

No, you got yourself into this mess. I hope you have learned a lesson.

- J

---

James, hold his arms back will you? There's a deer.

- L

---

It's a pun!

- P

---

Ah! Get away from me woman!

-S

---

You know, I probably _should_ try and stop all this, but Sirius kind of deserves it.

-M

---

But I didn't do any-- OW! It was just a jok-- OW!

-S

---

Tell me about it! Maybe now he will stop making fun of me for all the times she gave me injuries.

- J

---

Hey, is it me or does Sirius look different to what he did in the last question?

- P

---

Slave! Stop this! SAVE YOUR MASTER! AHHHH!

-S

---

No, it's midnight, as of three minutes ago, so there I am no longer your slave and what do you mean Pete?

- J

---

Well, other than being bruised, now that his shirt has been ripped off, his pudginess is harder to see. I think he's been working out.

- P

---

You're right! Wait, no, _I_ was right. We finally got to you and you lost the pudginess. Ha ha! I was right!

- J

---

Tits Magee ripped off my shirt!

-S

---

Oh, what a shame. We all know it is your dream to spend the rest of your life topless.

- P

---

Aren't you concerned that she ripped my shirt OUCH James, she's your girlfriend and OUCH she's stripping me down!

- S

---

Well, she is also beating you to a bloody pulp, so, I'm not exactly worried.

- J

---

I think that's enough violence for today. Maybe we should all forgive and forget and have some tea? Or something. Because all this screaming is giving me a headache.

-M

---

This is actually making me true to my nature, yeah, let's leave it as that.

- J

---

James. Did not need to know that. Stop there. The First Years James, think of the First Years!

-M

---

Really? What's this doing for you?

- L

---

OWWWWWWWW HOLY BLEEPING MERLIN!!!

- S

---

My dorm. Now.

- J

---

Where are they going?

- P

---

I am so dying. Aah, the agony!

- S

---

To Narnia, Pete. To Narnia. I think I'm going to sleep in the common room tonight.

-M

---

I can't move…

- S

---

Can I go upstairs?

- P

---

Uhh... you'd better not. How about we go to the kitchens Pete?

-M

---

I feel like... dying... aaaarrrrrgggghhh...

-S

---

Or maybe we should take Sirius to the hospital wing...

-M

---

OK, I'm hungry. I hear Pomfrey just got a shipment of chocolate.

- P

---

Chocolate? I'm there!

-M

---

...dying…moan…nnnngghhh

- S

---

All right, in answer to this question, our names are not weird. Or gross. Or evil. You're probably right about Prongs though. Now were going to chocolate... I mean taking Sirius to the hospital wing.

-M

* * *

_A/N: Okay, first off, a year ago today we posted the first chapter of The Marauders' Advice Thingy, making today MAT'S BIRTHDAY. ::Confetti! Yay!:: We are very excited. So we made a Super Long Special Surprise Birthday Chapter Of Love And Joy And Happiness._

_Hope you liked it! Thanks for your reviews and as always, R&R!_

_--discombobulated.shoe_

_Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to MAT, happy birthday to me!!!!! Yay! Take a day off and get out the Cake, its MAT's first birthday!!! I think a round of drinks are in order! And you those of you who are under-aged, chocolate for all!_

_I hope you all enjoyed our special Super-sized Birthday Spectacular! I know I did. And because we know you love her, we brought Lily along for the ride, and boy wasn't it fun! _

_Here's to another fantastic year of the Marauders' Advice Thingy, and many more after! –clinking of champagne glasses-_

_And thank you for all your questions and comments over the past year. _

_Read and Review!_

_Tiger-Cub684_


	23. Chapter 23

_A/N: The 23__rd__ installment of The Marauders' Advice Thingy. Beware, here there be ducks, childish bickering and twattish werewolves.

* * *

_

**Dear Marauders**

**My sister is a squib but I haven't told any of my friends yet. They always make jokes about how stupid squibs are and I'm worried that they'll make fun of me, or that they'll hate me because of how my sister is. I hate lying and avoiding the subject and I don't think I can stand this much longer. What do you think I should do?**

**-Salean**

---

I think that if they really are your friends, it won't make much of a difference.

- J

---

Yeah, just like when we discovered Moony's naughty rabbit.

- P

---

And Sirius' obsession with…well…everything female.

- J

---

James has a point. People can be really prejudiced and unreasonable, but if they value their friendship with you more than they dislike squibs, then they can just learn to deal with it.

-M

---

And ducklings. Don't forget his obb…abb… like for ducklings.

- P

---

I'm not obsessed with ducklings. They're just cute and fuzzy and wittle... and... I mean. I have no opinion on ducklings. Being the manly person I am, ducklings never even cross my mind.

-S

---

You keep telling yourself that.

-M

---

Oh really. What about that time you insisted on a duckling shaped birthday cake?

- J

---

It tasted like vanilla, not ducklings. I think that cake store got it wrong.

- P

---

You know what ducklings taste like??? YOU EAT DUCKLINGS??? YOU HORRIBLE PERSON!!! HOW COULD YOU EAT SUCH CUTE AND INNOCENT CREATURES???

-S

---

See? Obsessed. The great and mighty James is always right. Always.

- J

---

Hey! I'm not obsessed! I was just concerned about harmless animals being viciously and maliciously devoured in acts of cruel, and totally uncalled for, brutality.

-S

---

You're not obsessed? What about Sir Quacksalot? If that wasn't obsession, I don't know what is.

-M

---

Don't lie Sirius, we all know you have a soft spot for ducklings and now, the rest of the school knows too. Don't you just love the advice thingy?

- J

---

Sir Quacksalot didn't taste like duck either.

- P

---

OH MY GOD. JAMES. YOU TOLD ME HE FELL IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER DUCKY AND FLEW AWAY TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. YOU NEVER SAID THIS BEAST ATE HIM!!!!!!!!!

-S

---

Sirius, Sir Quacksalot the sock puppet was eaten by Peter. We saved the real duck. But I can't remember where we put him…

- J

---

Isn't he the one who tasted like feet?

- P

---

Sirius looks like he's about to go into cardiac arrest...

-M

---

No. That was one of Sirius' old socks.

- J

---

Oh okay… wait... you left him all by himself!!!! IT'S OKAY DUCKY!!! I'LL SAVE YOU!! Where'd you put him James?? QUACKIE? WHERE ARE YOU??

-S

---

Um, I think I saw him a week ago…possibly in the laundry pile.

- J

---

The laundry pile? That place is not safe for a fully-grown man let alone a poor little ducky!! How could you, you monster??

-S

---

Umm, I said _I think._ Ask Lily. She might know.

- J

---

Lily! LILY! Lilylilylilylilylilylilylily!!! LIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLYYYYYYY!!!!

-S

---

What is it now Black?

-L

---

WHERE IS SIR QUACKSALOT

-S

---

You mean the duck? He's in my dorm.

- L

---

Oh yeah, I remember now…

- J

---

Thank you! Yay! I'M COMING QUACKIE!!!

-S

---

Er... Sirius... Don't you remember what happens when you try to get into the girls' do-- oh. Ouch. That looks painful...

-M

---

Nggghhhh...

-S

---

You idiot. If you want I'll go get him. But you really should take better care of your pets, instead of leaving them lying around in laundry piles. If James and I hadn't been in your dorm... uh... doing homework... then I never would have found him and rescued him. He was looking kind of sick. I had my friend Sasha look at him, (she lives on a farm) and now he's all better. Turns out he had eaten too much chocolate.

- L

---

I only gave him half my bar…

- P

---

Ducks aren't supposed to have ANY chocolate.

- J

---

So ... in the end... it's still all Pete's fault. Damn you! Stay away from Sir Quacksalot you duckling eating, chocolate feeding monster!

-S

---

You gave a duck half a bar of chocolate? You never give ME any chocolate. And yet, here we are, with a duck, which you have given chocolate to. What's happened to the world? Everything used to be so simple and happy, now people give ducks chocolate and they don't even offer any to they're loyal friends.

-M

---

Moony, I think Peter's animal abuse is a little more concerning than your chocolate craving.

- J

---

If I had chocolate, then I may be able to see your side... but the sugar deprivation my body is going through is making it increasingly hard to function. If only there was someone here with chocolate...

-M

---

sigh Here. But, now you owe me.

- L

---

I have a chocolate duck left over from Easter?

-P

---

THAT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY.

-S

---

Thank you kind lady. Yes, you are absolutely right James. Peter, if ever you feel the need to give away chocolate, don't give it to ducks. I'm always here to help out you know.

-M

---

I only gave it to Sir Quacksalot because he had these puppy-dog eyes that were too hard to resist. Even better than Sirius'

- P

---

Hey, I know ducks are cute and all, but no one can out puppy-dog-eye me. I _invented_ the puppy-dog-eye.

-S

---

In more ways than one, I'm sure. But that Duck is pretty good. He managed to convince me to give him a bath. And not even James can persuade me to do that. cough I mean, yes. The duck is persuasive.

- L

---

Why would James want you to... oh... OH... oooooh... ew.

-P

---

Hey, Lily, how about if I promise to clean the bathroom afterwards? I've got your favorite soap.

- J

---

I am not going to wash you like a child. I do not care what kind of perverted fantasy-

- L

---

No, I mean have a bath WITH me.

- J

---

Oh, well, this changes everything.

- L

---

Look, can you two please discuss this elsewhere? By which I mean, somewhere I'm not. Because, I do not want to hear this. Do not want.

-S

---

Don't worry, we wouldn't want to ruin the surprise.

- J

---

Fair enough. -- wait! What surprise??

-S

---

Shhhh, don't tell him anything!

- L

---

Are we going to eat Sir Quacksalot? I hope he tastes like real duck this time.

- P

--

PETER! I'LL KILL YOU!!!

-S

---

What is this obsession with eating ducks?

-M

---

Well, Sirius is right. Ducks ARE cute, and they taste nice too.

-P

---

It's OK Quacksalot! I'll protect you from this EVIL EVIL person!!

-S

---

It has nothing to do with ducks…well, that's not true. Forget I said anything.

- J

---

Huh what's this about Sir Quacksalot?

S

---

Fine, we'll tell you: Sir Quacksalot was feeling sad (possibility because he missed you, for some strange reason) so, we threw him a party and all these people from the school came (it was the day that you were in Hogsmead and I didn't go with you) and I was talking to all the people about family relations and someone said something about someone being a squib…long story later Sir Quacksalot tipped over the punch bowl and the party ended. Point is, we had a party. You weren't there. Sir Quacksalot got drunk off punch and we talked about how being a squib really isn't such a bad thing. See, this whole conversation was relevant.

- J

---

Look Sirius, not everything is about you and your obsession with ducks. Now, If I recall correctly we were supposed to be giving someone advice.

–M

---

It's not an obsession! More of... an affinity. Or... a slight preference. Not an obsession.

-S

---

Of course not Sirius. Of course not.

-M

---

But... Sir Quacksalot had a party and I wasn't invited??? You had a party for MY duck and didn't even invite me??

-S

---

Re-jec-ted!

-P

---

SHUT UP YOU. I still haven't forgiven you, you know.

-S

---

Sorry, looks like your duck is more popular than you.

- J

---

Well, I couldn't really follow half of that so I'll just agree with you. Yes James. It is all relevant.

-M

---

But... but... but... Quackie!! Don't you LOVE me anymore???

-S

---

Sirius, you can't expect a duck to answer you--

-M

---

Quack!

-Sir Quacksalot

---

I stand corrected.

-M

---

Whoa, how did the duck get down here?

- J

---

Sir Quacksalot! I knew you loved me!

- S

---

Quack!

-Sir Quacksalot

---

Awww, that's so sweet. Aren't you a smart little duck!

- L

---

Hmmm, yummy…

- P

---

Quack!

-Sir Quacksalot

---

Wow, Sir Quacksalot sure does quack a lot.

-M

---

Hence the name.

- J

---

Well, I think the question has long been answered.

- L

---

Hey, you can't close the question! You weren't even here to being with.

- J

---

Shhh, she does a better job than you.

- P

---

Yeah, and if you ever need to take care of squib-haters, Sir Quacksalot would be happy to teach them a lesson for you. Isn't that right Sir Quacksalot?

-S

---

Quack!

-Sir Quacksalot

---

And so, Sirius loves his pet duck Sir Quacksalot, and if your friends can't accept your Squib sister, then they aren't very good friends.

- L

---

_I_ wanted to close.

- J

---

Stop pouting.

- L

---

Baby.

- P

---

Hey only I can insult my Jamsie.

- L

---

OK, next question.

-M

---

Quack!

- Sir Quacksalot

* * *

**Marauders:**

**My best friend (NOT ME, MY FRIEND AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY, SHE SEEMS TO HAVE NO JUDGEMENT AT ALL) has a crush on Peter. Not Sirius, not Remus, not even James, but Peter. Yeah. Peter. Anyway, she wanted me write to you to ask you what she should do. Should she ask him out, or drop not-so-subtle-hints around him and wait for him to ask her, or just try to get over him, or what? (My gosh, she is insane. Why would-- ? I'm supposed to be supportive. This is difficult.) **

**-Disgusted Friend**

---

Really? She likes me? I'll ask her out! Will she go out with me? Me?

-P

---

Why am I 'even'? What are you saying? Since when are Sirius and Remus more desirable than me? I mean, come on!

- J

---

Yeah, Peter will ask her out. Or she can ask him out, since he has no idea who she is and would probably make a fool of himself asking out every girl in the school to try and find her. And James, please mate, me and Moony have ALWAYS been more desirable.

- S

---

What?!

- J

---

Face it man, girls don't tend to go for pathetic and obsessive. Except Lily. But she can hardly be called a girl. In the conventional terms, anyway.

- S

---

I am choosing to ignore James' and Sirius' childish bickering. James, Sirius, consider yourselves ignored. As to your friend's predicament, I'm sure Peter would be MORE than happy to ask her out.

-M

---

YES. YES I WOULD.

-P

---

Except he doesn't know who she is (I hate to agree with Sirius) and Sirius, I don't think that girls like annoying, one-night-standing prats like yourself. Prat.

- J

---

What are you on about? You'd be surprised how many girls are just looking for a decent one-night stand. It matters not what they say the next day about being abandoned/taken advantage of or what have you, in their hearts, they know what they really wanted. (Oh and PS. YOUR FACE is a prat!)

-S

---

Girls are not heartless shagging machines. They are after a more emotional connecting relationship, than simply a physical one. You are so shallow. (And I know. Lily told was telling me all about what girls are really after. And they don't always want YOU)

- J

---

James, Sirius, this is really immature, can we focus on the question?

-M

---

But we already answered it.

- J

---

What happened to being ignored huh Moony? And anyway, if girls aren't shagging machines then what are they?

-S

---

Well, yes, but –

-M

---

Exactly.

-S

---

I just told you. Creatures with emotions and feelings and stuff. They would prefer holding hands and walking on a beach at sunset and picnics by the lake and other stuff, rather than just shagging. I have a feeling that we've been over this before.

- J

---

So do I. I also have a feeling that you still haven't seen sense. I mean honestly, I'm not looking for someone to _marry_. Merlin James.

-S

---

You're not, but girls generally are. Research shows that most girls are (at least subconsciously) looking for a life-partner when they date. Very few are simply after some fun. You have to be considerate of their feelings, Sirius.

- J

---

... Wait... you do _research_ on what girls are looking for in a date? How... how... pathetic.

-S

---

Really are you going to just ignore me!

-M

---

Yes.

-S

---

I didn't do the research. Witches Weekly did. But it was valid. Lily agrees.

- J

---

... Wait... you read Witches Weekly?

-S

---

Well, it was just sitting open…on the table…in the common room. Remember when I had a cold last week? I needed something to pass the time.

- J

---

Suuuure. Sure. I believe you James.

-S

---

Yay! I'm going to have a girlfriend! I've been so lonely since Heather dumped me for that guy on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. Damn sportsmen.

- P

----

I'm telling the truth! It's not like I have a subscription and secretly hide copies under my bed or anything.

- J

----

Oh! I know that look! It's Shifty Eyes! That Hufflepuff on the quidditch team had it all the time.

- P

----

I never said you weren't. What gave you that idea? Unless of course you DO have a subscription and that pile of magazines under your bed aren't about quidditch.

-S

---

At least they're not dirty magazines. Seriously, I'm afraid to go under there. At least when Lily is with me….And what are you talking about? _Of course_ I don't have copies of Witches Weekly hiding underneath my bed! And no, you cannot check…because there are fleas…yes, that's right. I have a flea circus living under my bed. You'd better stay away, or else you might get infested.

- J

---

AHHH FLEAS! What are you doing with fleas under your bed! I have to share a dorm with you, you know! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?

-S

----

Sirius, he's obviously lying. Honestly, you can be so gullible.

-M

----

I thought _I_ was the gullible one.

- P

---

You are. And it isn't necessarily something to be proud of.

- J

----

Your FACE isn't something to be proud of.

-S

---

Enough with the 'your face' remarks. They're infuriating.

-M

---

... like your FACE.

-S

---

Yeah, well shut up. Yeah how'd you like that!

- J

---

Shut up in your FACE!

-S

---

That doesn't even make any sense.

-M

---

Hey! Guys! Guess what! Guess what! Someone fancies me!!

-P

---

We _know_ Pete. We read the question. And we're just as shocked as you are.

-S

---

Too right. Now don't mess it up this time. We wouldn't want another "Heather" fiasco, now would we?

- J

---

Yes, of all the fiascos we don't want. We don't want that one the most. Actually, we probably don't want that other fiasco the most, the one with all that green goo... But we don't want the Heather fiasco second most.

-S

---

It wasn't THAT bad. Was it?

-P

---

Stop saying fiasco.

- J

---

Make me.

-S

---

Fine. _Silenco!_

- J

---

You know, I quite like Sirius like that. What was that Sirius? We can't hear you, speak up.

-M

---

What's that? Sirius, are you telling me to 'piss off' or is that 'kick me'? I can't tell. I think I'll assume its kick me. If you say so, Sirius.

- J

---

James, really, you're acting like a child.

-M

---

What? Me? A child? What on earth are you talking about? I'm just doing as Sirius says.

- J

----

Ooh! Ooh! I learnt to lip read from a cousin of mine once! I think he's saying... aaoowwnngkafffernaple... yeah, that's definitely it. My lip reading talents came in handy!

-P

---

They sure do Pete, they sure do. Take that Sirius I'll teach you for treating girls like objects!

- J

---

That's lovely Pete, but I don't think he's saying "aaoowwnngkafffernaple". And, keeping the first years in mind, I don't really want to know what he actually IS saying.

-M

---

and now he's saying " orflenoploicianorhjlewquortanfig."

-P

---

Thanks for the translation Pete.

-M

---

You're welcome!

-P

---

Hehe, this is so fun. He's going to be so mad when, no, IF, he gets his voice back. What's that Sirius? You want me to slap you as well? If you say so.

- J

---

Oh I know that word! Sirius just said, "thanks zasirlefforion!" Sirius is saying some funny things isn't he?

-P

---

Yeah, he is. I mean, when I asked him if he wanted me to kick him yesterday, he said no. But now, he's all too eager. And I'm all too eager to do as he wishes.

- J

---

You're so immature sometimes. Scratch that. You're so immature all of the time.

-M

---

Moi? Immature? What ever are you talking about Remus old chap?

- J

---

Well, old chap, you constantly indulge in childish pastimes and activities. You get into childish fights with other immature people over childish and immature matters and then propose to resolve the problems caused by such immature situations in the most childish and immature way you're childish and immature mind can think of. The only people as immature as you are a certain silent someone jumping up and down on the table trying to, childishly, get our attention and another not-so-silent someone childishly translating the childish antics of the former someone.

-M

---

I think you should lay off the coffee. It's going to give your brain a meltdown. Chill out man.

- J

---

Stop jumping Sirius! It's hard to tell what you're saying when you're jumping! Oh, I think he said "iupabfhwplghkwournacebfht"...

-P

---

I haven't been _drinking_ any coffee James. But those coffee flavoured chocolates you gave me for my birthday are _delicious_. I think I may have some more...

-M

---

Ahh, it all makes sense now. No don't give him paper then we'll have to stop misinterpreting what he's saying.

- J

---

I WILL KILL YOU JAMES POTTER!!!!!!

- S

---

Oh bollocks.

- J

---

PREPARE TO DIE!!!

-S

---

Um, Sirius, calm down. You know I didn't really mean it. And I didn't kick you hard. You won't even have any bruises tomorrow. I swear.

- J

---

Fine, I won't kill you (this time). But Seriously mate, I can't believe you _slapped_ me. I mean first you collect Witches Weekly then you go around _slapping_ people. It's just embarrassing mate. I don't think I can be seen with you anymore.

-S

---

Please. We're a duo. You're nothing without me. We're James and Sirius. You can't just split up the team because you're sulking. THAT would be embarrassing.

- J

---

You and your bitch slapping, girly magazine reading self would be NOTHING without me. N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

-S

---

What about me?

- P

---

Well, we wouldn't have a lip reader without you.

-M

---

Yay!

-P

---

Me? Nothing? I am the crutch that is holding this team together! Girls only see you as an easy shot. Someone to use to let off steam. And you see them all as objects. At least I respect women. And I am _not_ a bitch slapping, girly magazine reader you drunken man-slut!

- J

---

Me? A drunken man-slut? You're just as drunken and slutty as I am! Just you're slutty with just one person...like… a… a unislut! And you're definitely drunken. You're a drunken bitch slapping girly magazine reading unislut!

-S

---

Drunken, drugged up, chocolate stealing, man-slut prick!

- J

---

That's it! I'M NOT INVITING YOU TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.

-S

---

See? Childish, immature people... Now, where's my coffee chocolate?

-M

---

Well fine! I didn't want to go to your stupid party anyway.

- J

---

Well fine! I don't want you to go to my AWESOME party!

-S

---

Fine! I'm going to gate crash it and steal all the pudding then!

- J

---

You wouldn't!

-S

---

You know I would.

- J

---

Can you believe that we're all 16, Moony? I still feel like 11.

- P

---

Well, I know I am, I'm not sure about the rest of you though...

-M

---

Stupid face!

–J

---

Your MUM's a stupid face!

–S

---

Yeah, well, your mum's face is a stupid face!

- J

---

I already knew _that_.

-S

---

You know, my mum won't let you stay over at our place after that comment, no more apple and raspberry pie for you!

–J

---

I didn't mean that about your mum mate, she's great (AND SO ARE HER PIES!!) even if she did give birth to a complete prat.

-S

---

Yeah, my mum's a great cook. And you're the spoiled rich-boy prat.

- J

---

Well, that may be true, but I'm not as much of a prat as YOU!

-S

---

Can you two cut it out already?

-M

---

But we're having so much fun...

-S

---

Keep out of it Moony. Bookworm.

- J

---

Just because you're illiterate...

-M

---

I am not illiterate! I'm one of the most literate people here…other than you. Don't lie. It's such a Sirius thing to do.

- J

---

You say that, but has anyone ever actually seen you read anything? No. Guilty until proven innocent!!

-M

---

What? You ask Lily! I read those Witches Weekly magazines with her all the time! I'm a part of her book club for Merlin sake! … Oh crap. Forget I said anything.

- J

---

Ha! You're in a book club! ... What's a book club?

- P

---

HA! He admits it! With his WITCH WEEKLY and GIRLY BOOKCLUBS! You call yourself a man?

-S

---

Book clubs aren't _girly_ Sirius. In fact, I participate in... Wait… I think I'll stop there. --M

---

Not you too!

-S

---

At least I don't flinch every time I hear the word fleas. And I only do those things 'cause Lily makes me. She's very good at blackmail.

- J

---

FLEAS!! WHERE??

-S

---

I read a book once. I can't remember what it was called, but it had lots and lots of colourful pictures.

- P

---

Book Clubs are nothing to be ashamed of. It's a gathering place of the intellectually gifted and people who are blackmailed there by their girlfriends, but still very smart. You're just jealous because you only ever spend your time hooking up with sluts in the broom cupboard and starting at your reflection.

- J

---

Broom cupboards are nothing to be ashamed of. They are a gathering place of sexy people (such as myself) who choose to be there instead of attending stupid nancy book clubs, which will always be stupid nancy book clubs, girlfriend or no.

-S

---

Remus, aren't you going to support me in this? He's insulting you too.

- J

---

Sirius! Bookclubs are in no way stupid. Maybe you should try actually going –

-M

---

Not bloody likely!

-S

---

As I was saying, before you so rudely interrupted, maybe if you actually went to one you'd see sense. But seeing as you have to actually read an actual book for that, it is, as you so eloquently put, not bloody likely.

-M

---

What if I told you that Claire Anderson is in the book club? Would you consider going Sirius?

- J

---

Claire? That blonde hottie from Care of Magical Creatures?

- S

---

The very same.

- J

---

You know, I did always think that perhaps I was dismissing these book things too easily. When's the next meeting?

- S

---

Tomorrow. We're reading Wuthering Heights right now. It's pretty good.

- J

---

It is not. All the characters are horrid detestable people who make each other miserable by being so horrid and detestable.

-M

---

Are there any... er… not-suitable-for-first-years scenes?

-S

---

You have a one-track mind.

-M

---

Yeah, the characters may be horrible, but the book itself is really well written. Kind of like Shakespeare, but without all the crazy language. And I hear that the next book we're reading has one of those scenes.

- J

---

Can I come too?

-P

---

Sorry Pete. We have a certain pace to keep in the Book Club. We can't wait months just for you. And the books don't have any pictures. You wouldn't like it.

- J

---

Awww. Well, I'd rather go out with that girl who likes me instead.

- P

---

What? Oh yeah! That girl. The crazy… er I mean... good... one. Yeah. From the question.

-S

---

Smooth Sirius, smooth.

- J

---

Well, I think we ought to move on to the next question now we have concluded that yes, Peter will go out with this girl and no, he doesn't know who she is and yes, he will spend the next few days asking random females to go out with him.

-M

---

Sounds like a plan. Off to the Book Club!

- J

* * *

**Okay****, so my brother recently got engaged to this really nice girl. And then he was bitten by a werewolf on one of his missions (he's an auror.) The girl is completely fine with it, after all he's still the same person, right? He just has a slight problem. But my brother now believes that he's "not worthy" of her and says she can do so much better then a werewolf. (She could probably get any guy she wanted, to be honest, just she wants my brother.) My brother's really scared that he'll hurt her or bite her, or that if they have kids, the kids will have lycanthropy. I checked, and the chance of contamination when just the dad is a werewolf is less then one percent. Anyway, my brother is calling off the wedding, even though I know he still loves her. I could use any advice you might have on this. What should I do? Should I do anything? Or is this, like my brother said, "his life" and therefore "none of my business."?**

---

I understand you're situation. It seems all werewolves are idiots who don't know what's good for them.

-S

---

In my humble opinion (which is very humble indeed), he should stop being such baby and just marry her. Werewolf or not, love is more important than his own problems. Let the girl be happy and populate the world with little hybrid werewolf cubs!

- J

---

James, that's not funny. Obviously the man _want's_ to marry her. He's only trying to do what's in her best interests.

-M

---

Wolves are scary and smelly creatures.

- P

---

Her best interests would to be with the man she loves, in sickness and in health, as say the traditional wedding vows.

- J

---

Exactly Peter. Wolves are scary and smelly creatures, who would want to marry one? Or be one? Or bring their own fate on their children? I completely sympathise with this person's brother.

-M

---

I think he's being a twat. I mean, less then one percent? That's nothing! Bloody coward if you ask me.

-S

---

A coward? He's sacrificing his own happiness to keep her safe!

-M

---

I reckon that this guy is being selfish. I read somewhere that children who do happen to be hybrid wolves (even though it's only a 1 chance) have it much better than their werewolf parents. Second generation wolves don't feel pain in the transformations and can control themselves. And third generation can transform whenever they like. It would be like being an animagus as a wolf. Who wouldn't want that?

- J

---

You've got a fair point there James. And Moony, he's sacrificing HER happiness too you know. She's obviously not going to be too chipper about having her wedding cancelled is she? Girls hold grudges over that sort of thing.

-S

---

He would know. Remember Jenna? She still curses him every time he walks past the Ravenclaw common room.

- J

---

Look, she asked me to marry her when I was completely hammered, and I didn't even remember who she was and then she gets all upset the next morning when I say "I actually don't want to marry you and could you please not slam doors I've got one shithouse hangover." and like the lovely considerate person she is, she slams the door on her way out.

-S

---

And what about Tiffany? She tried to convince you that you had her… you know. Good thing that turned out to be a scam. Otherwise Daddy Sirius would've had to drop out of Hogwarts.

- J

---

There's spells to prevent that kind of thing.

-S

---

Look, James, 'somewhere' isn't a particularly reliable source. It would probably be best not to take that chance. And if his grandchildren want to be animagi, they can do it the traditional way.

-M

---

But that took forever to master. Or rather, it would take forever to master, (not that I would personally know.) How good would it be if we, ah, people, could be born with it.

– J

---

I agree with James, the traditional way is one pain in the arse... I mean would be. Would be a pain in the arse. 'Cause I don't know anything about becoming an animagus. Ahem.

-S

---

Of _course_ not. Shifty eyes.

- P

---

Pete, you're not supposed to SAY shifty eyes. You're supposed to do them.

- J

---

I tried but I just ended up going cross-eyed and blinking a lot.

-P

---

Well, saying it kind of defeats the purpose.

- J

---

Watch _my_ shifty eyes!! That's pretty shifty eh?

-S

---

You look like you're having a seizure.

- J

---

He looks like that all the time.

- P

---

Oh yeah! Let's see _you_ do better!

-S

---

OK, I will.

- J

---

Wow, that's REALLY shifty!

- P

---

Fine, I guess that was pretty shifty... stupid deer face...

-S

---

No one likes a sore looser.

- J

---

Yeah, well, no one likes pompous deer faces either.

- S

---

At least I'm not a dirty mutt!

- J

---

I can see where this is going...to the beach!

- P

---

Hey! I'm not dirty! I _bathe_... oh and I'm not a mutt either. I'd have to be like, an animagus for that to be true. Which I'm not. Heh.

-S

---

Smooth Sirius.

-M

---

Shut it Remus. Hey, this guy in the question reminds me of you. You both think you're being all self-sacrificing when really you're just being annoying twats. Like remember that time, when we said we came up a solution to your little problem and you were all "No! It's too dangerous! Let me suffer all on my lonesome!". You were being a twat then. Like this guy is now. And becoming an animagus is --would be-- a real pain in the arse.

-S

---

Not that that has anything to do with anything.

-S

---

Subtle. Not.

- J

---

What are you talking about? I am masterfully subtle.

-S

---

Sure you are. Just like Peter is the master of coherency.

- J

---

I ate a feather.

- P

---

I was not being a twat then! I was being perfectly reasonable. And you wouldn't have had to endure that 'pain in the arse' if you had listened to me.

-M

---

Yeah, but it turned out all right didn't it? Which goes to show, you were completely wrong, and were in fact being very twattish.

-S

---

I have to agree with Sirius there. You were wrong, Moony. Sometimes, it's your friends and loved ones who know what's best. So, the way I see it, this guy's girlfriend is right and Mr. Wimpy Werewolf should hurry up and marry her instead of running away with his tail between his legs.

- J

---

Look, I admit that the anima -- er-- solution or sorts you came up with turned out pretty well in the end, but this is a completely different situation! Sort of. I can see where you're coming from, but it's just... it's just... dangerous!

-M

---

Your FACE is dangerous.

-S

---

Thank you for your valuable input Sirius.

-M

---

Is it dangerous? Potions are a booming industry (well not really, it IS hundreds of years old without much change), but some kind of medication could be invented in the future to help him. I mean, when my old Uncle Patrick became a mummy, we thought it would be horrible, but then they developed this potion, and how he can function normally without all the moaning and decay. It's as if he was alive, except with bandages. But the point is, the situation is manageable, if he is with supporting people, and I think it's clear that he is. This guy is just being a stubborn.

- J

---

Okay _fine_. I can see arguing with you is a complete waste of effort so just, fine. But I still disagree... do you really think they'll come up with something?

-M

---

Sure. Didn't they just come up with a more effective truth potion only a year ago? And it's not like lycanthropy would be hard to control. A strong sleeping potion would probably work to make the fierce wolf into a dozy puppy.

- J

---

It sounds all so simple!

- P

---

Everything is simple in James' mind.

- S

---

Yes, I'm just _surrounded_ by simpletons.

-M

---

You're just sore 'cause you lost the argument.

-S

---

He did indeed, and I believe that this question is now answered. Werewolf Sister, tell your brother to stop being stubborn and selfish and make an honest woman of his girlfriend. Lycanthropy is perfectly manageable. Others have done it for centuries. All he needs is a secure cabin in the middle of the woods, far away from other people, to go during the full moon, and other than that, he'll be fine. And any other werewolves reading this would be wise to listen too. Stop fussing and get on with your lives! It's not as if you're dead. Being a half bloodthirsty monster is no reason to live in the shadows. Merlin knows it doesn't stop the Vampires!

- J

---

Yep, just dandy. Super duper! And Moony is a twat so ignore all his comments in this question. Listen to me and James. We know what's best.

-S

---

I am not a twat. You're a twat.

-M

---

I think that was you're most clever and well thought out comeback ever Moony.

-S

---

Shut up.

-M

---

You're starting to sound like a child. Just accept that you're wrong and move on.

- J

---

Potatoes!

-P

* * *

_A/N: Ahoy there! Sorry we took yonks to update! We have been very busy and I have been very lazy. But here we have chapter 23 so all is well in the world at last! Yeah. And Tiger's disappearing to the other side of the world for a bit so it'll probably be a while until chapter the 24__th__ arrives at your doorstep._

_Also, we want to clarify a few things question-wise: To prevent confusion and lack of coherency, well, to prevent MORE confusion and lack of coherency then there already is, we can't really include questions with direct reference to future events, for example questions from characters in the future, because then everything just gets sort of whacked. And questions that refer directly to past questions are hard to include because by the time we get up to them the questions they were referring to are long gone, deep into the archives of the thingy. Also, try to keep your questions to actual questions rather than comments, because as delightful as they are, if there's not question being asked or advice being sought, no answers or advice can be given in return._

_Anyway, hope you've all had an awesome new year and happy holidays! Adios amigos!_

_-discombobulated.shoe_

_Hey people. Yes, it's like Shoey said. School and such (all her fault) got in the way and now its been months since the last update. Terribly sorry. And now I'm going away again. I guess you could say that I'm quite the world traveller. As of early next week, I will be in the United States, in LA, and touring around the West Coast with my school group. If you're lucky, me and my extended band may be visiting YOUR school. But that is only if you go to one of the private, Jesuit schools we're visiting. If you are one of those people, look out for the Clarinet/Oboe player. _

_Anyway, it's as Shoey said above, please keep your questions in this time frame (so, no mentioning 21__st__ century technology etc), no questions that address things we've already covered in the past (such as asking out Peter, Sirius or Remus, etc), and as much as we love follow up comments, it's much too hard to publish it all along the question. So, if you want to give us comments or commentary to the characters, that's great, but if you really want the questions to be involved, keep them separate. And it would be helpful if questions are more than yes or no answer ones. Such as "Do you like pineapples?" or "Do you prefer cake or pie?". While they may be interesting, it doesn't really give us much to spark a conversation on. I'm sorry if I'm being too bossy, but the quality of the questions is part of what makes this fic great, and if you want to be a part of it, you'll need to submit a good question. _

_In short, the best questions are direct, coherent and straight to the point (although you can submit a little back story if you want), and are best unique and different, preferably in character, set in this time frame, and most importantly interesting. All these things make it all the easier for Shoey and me to use. Thanks for understanding._

_Anyway, at the end of the day, you can all ignore my advice. It's up to you really. I'm just trying to be helpful. So, thanks for all the wonderful reviews, and feel free to leave any comments, questions or follow up comments on you're way out. _

_Thanks so much for your time, have an awesome new year and see you when I get back!_

_- Tiger-Cub684_


	24. Chapter 24

_A/N: At long last, Chapter the twenty-fourth, in which Shakespeare is riveting, vengeance is sought, the true identity of Toofdap is uncovered and Remus checks the room for explosives._

* * *

**I'm confused. I like two guys. Guy-one I just met and he's cute. Like, really cute, James+Sirius cute, funny and smart. But Guy-two has been my friend forever. I only just started to like Guy-two, and I've liked Guy-one since the moment I laid eyes on him. But I can actually talk to guy two. So what do I do?**

**- Anon**

--

Ah, the age old question. Who do I want to "date" more? I've been there so many times. My answer: "date" both.

- S

--

Pads, she clearly isn't you. And your advice is degrading. I doubt it would work with her anyway. _My_ advice: who do you like more? Or, if that's too hard, which one of _them_ likes you more? Ever considered that one of them may not like you that way? It could make your decision easier.

- J

--

Well, it seems perfectly obvious to me. Go with Guy-two. You hardly know Guy-one. Guy-one could turn out to be a psychotic stalker like James, or an arrogant manslut like Sirius. At least you know Guy-two and get along with him.

-M

--

Wait a second… How many guys are there? I'm confused.

- P

--

Two Pete. Two.

-S

--

Is that two PLUS two? Or just two?

-P

--

Two.

-M

--

Moony, I think that's a bit unreasonable. I mean, Guy-one could also turn out to be a really nice guy, like me. And how will she get to know him if she just avoids him? And who knows, Guy-two might turn ugly, so to speak. After all, nine out of ten murders are committed by someone who knows the victim.

- J

--

Still, Guy-one could turn out to be a complete prat. And Guy-two might be upset if he likes her back and she goes out with Guy-one and that could destroy their friendship.

-M

--

I always found that in a relationship, there are two key things; 1. Keep it physical, and 2. Keep it materialistic. For example, "Hey there Penny, I really like that skirt you're wearing. Fancy a shag in the broom-closet?" See, it's the ultimate situation.

- S

--

I think she might realise you lied about liking her skirt when you immediately suggest she get rid of it.

-M

--

I liked it plenty. I just liked it better on the floor, among her shirt and other undergarments.

- S

--

She could just ask them if they like her. Rather than flipping a coin.

- J

--

That's a good idea! She could flip a coin!

-P

--

Ha! She may as well ask Trelawney to see if she has a future with either of them! -S

--

I'm sure she would come up with a prediction befitting Shakespeare's most tragic plays.

-M

--

I wonder if Shakespeare had someone like Trelawney, always giving him ideas on how to kill off characters?

- J

--

I think he's perfectly capable of coming up with his own gruesome and horrible demises.

-M

--

Despite the fact that only two of his plays were actually his own.

- J

--

Yes.

-M

--

Wow. This conversation about Shakespeare is simply RIVETING.

-S

--

Really? So, all this time, he was actually a fraud?

- P

--

No.

-M

--

Not really. The basic plots he took, but he made the plays his own by manipulating the characters and adding scenes and all those long soliloquies. They might have well been his. But only the Tempest and some other play get his full credits.

- J

--

I think that you guys are BORING! How's that for a soliloquy?

- S

--

Why Sirius, I didn't know you possessed that much eloquence.

-M

--

I'm surprised you didn't know. Remember Ode to Lily? A work of pure genius.

- S

--

More like pure rubbish.

- J

--

You still sang it, didn't you?

- S

--

Yes, but only when I was thoroughly drunk. And naive. But it was still rubbish.

- J

--

James has a point. And so does Sirius. It was brilliant rubbish. A rubbish song, but brilliant watching James publicly humiliate himself.

-M

--

Glad my humiliation was entertaining for you.

- J

--

Wow, you're taking this whole 'we like to watch you humiliated' thing pretty well, James.

- P

--

I was being sarcastic, but once again, it seems that it has flown right over your head.

- J

--

Still, my point remains valid. You people are boring. Except when you're being publicly humiliated. Then you're hilarious.

-S

--

Sometimes, I wonder why I'm still friends with you.

- J

--

Sometimes I wonder why I'm friends with you too.

-S

--

Way to go and use your own material Sirius. (ps. I'm being sarcastic.)

-P

--

What do you mean? After all you've put me though over the years, you are in no position to act all victimised. I've suffered the most. I'M the victim!

- J

--

I'm not acting victimised. You know how hard it is to be associated with you and keep my reputation unsullied? I work hard to make this work Prongsie. You should be grateful.

-S

--

Me? Grateful? For what? Being humiliated, mocked, assaulted, bitten, framed, set-up, pranked, humiliated, turned into a racoon and having to put up with you and your massive ego and sleazy reputation? It is YOU who should be grateful!

- J

--

Me? Grateful? For what? ... er... umm... uuuuh... you... drinking all my firewhisky… aaand... er... umm... yeah! Take that! Prat!

-S

--

Wow, Sirius, I can't see how he'll come back from that grievous blow.

-M

--

See! You can't even make a case. And it's not because you've been drinking IceVodka since noon. All I've ever done to you was drink your alcohol and occasionally tell girls that you had some form of an STD now and then.

- J

--

What! That was you! You… you… sabotaging prick!

- S

--

What... you mean you DON'T have AIDS?

-M

--

NO. Of course I don't! How could you, man, after all we've been though?

- S

--

Hehe, AIDS, that was a good one. Almost as good as Syphilis. And that one about you being a Eunich.

- J

--

le gasp!

-M

--

You mean he's NOT a en - eu - what ever that word was.

- P

--

YOU SAID WHAT!?

- S

--

He said that –

- P

--

I KNOW WHAT HE SAID! I'M JUST OUTRAGED!!

-S

--

Well, we can see that.

-M

--

Wow, you look redder than that other time, when you got murderous and tried to kill James. Yeah, just like last time.

- P

--

He often gets murderous and tries to kill James. It has ceased to surprise me. In fact, if he didn't get murderous and try to kill James, I would be greatly worried.

-M

--

I agree. It's getting old mate. How about we do something different? Like settle it over a game of chess?

- J

--

AFTER I SMASH THE CHESS BOARD WITH YOUR FACE!!

- S

--

That wouldn't work at all, how would we play chess then?

- J

--

GRRRRRRRRRR!

- S

--

James does have a point there Sirius. How WOULD you play chess?

-M

--

GGGGGNNNNNAAAAAARRRRRRKKKKK!!

-S

--

You're not making any sense I'm afraid. Try unclenching your jaw.

-M

--

Now he isn't even making sense. All those lessons we gave him in speech pathology have gone to waste.

- J

--

You mean the ones Moony gave him while you drunk his IceVodka and threw paper planes at his head?

- P

--

NO MORE LIES YOU LYING FRAUD! LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES!

-S

--

Yes, those. All Moony's hard work has gone to waste. And look at that. You can't use a word in a sentence more than twice. Silly prat.

- J

--

Hey, look, the vein's back!

- P

--

Oh, hey, it is. It makes his face look all asymmetrical.  
- J

--

Your FACE is asymmetrical!

-S

--

Yes, he just said that.

-P

--

See? He can't even think of his own insults.

- J

--

I'LL GIVE YOU INSULTS!

- S

--

That's very generous of you Sirius, but this is getting tiresome.

-M

--

I know. Exploding snap anyone?

- J

--

I'll exploding snap your FACE!

-S

--

I can see a lot of thought went into that threat.

-M

--

I have a strange feeling that we've been here before. It just further proves that Sirius is completely unoriginal.

- J

--

He's as bad as Shakespeare!

- P

--

Well... I wouldn't describe him as _bad_...

-M

--

Thankyou Moony!

-S

--

Oh! What? ... er… I mean yeah. I meant you.

-M

--

Ha ha! You got burned!

- J

--

I'll burn your FA –

-S

--

ANYWAY, I can see this is going around in circles. So, back to the question?

-M

--

Yeah, it was that one about the two guys. Two. Not two plus two. Yeah, that one.

-P

--

Your coherency amazes me. Anyway, I believe that we agreed that my advice was the best, by far, as it usually is. TALK to both these boys and see if either one of them likes you. You should do that before anything else.

- J

--

So. You hardly know Guy-one, who could be a complete prick for all you know, and you've only just met him, and you've decided you like him on some wild impulse. Whereas you know Guy-two, have grown to like him and if he's a prick, well then you've obviously found some way to deal with it. Logically, guy-two would be your best bet.

-M

--

Who cares? Do both! If the shit hits the fan, then what have you lost? You hardly know Guy-one and if Guy-two has a hissy fit then obviously he's not a TRUE friend and is only trying to get in your pants.

-S

--

Don't listen to Sirius. You do that, and you could end up like James. And you don't want that do you.

-M

--

What do you mean "end up like me"? I'm with the girl of my dreams! Is that bad?

- J

--

Well, yes, but only after years of humiliation for the enjoyment of others.

-P

--

And if all else fails, go with me. Is there really any other alternative in the end?

- S

--

Yes, there are many.

- J

--

Well, aside from joining a nunnery.

-S

--

And there you have it girls; Sirius in the broom-closet, or a nunnery. It's your choice.

- J

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**Professor Dingbat is a sadistic twat. You know, the substitute teacher we've had for Care of Magical creatures since Professor Kettleburn went on his holiday to Venezuela? Yes, him. Just because I know way more about magical creatures then he could ever begin to fathom in his entire lifetime, he's been picking on me ever since he arrived. And I'm way passed sick of it. I want revenge! What can I do to get him off my back for good? Please help; otherwise I can not be held responsible for my actions.**

**- Sasha The Pissed Off Gryffindor**

--

Another classic 'how to get back at that moronic teacher giving you hell'. You've come to the right people, Sasha.

- J

--

Meh.

-S

--

Sirius, be more helpful.

-M

--

Egad! We shan't have any of these authority-abusing types picking on our fellow Gryffindors! Upon my honour, as a Marauder and a gentleman, we shall help you in this matter.

-S

--

I hope you don't have any ulterior motives in this, Sirius. Not that I'm accusing you of trying to get in her pants (which, lets face it, you try to do whenever a girl asks for your help).

- J

--

What? Me try and get in her pants?

-S

--

Don't try to look innocent Sirius; you can't pull it off.

-M

--

I know. He lost his innocence long ago. I can barely remember him having it.

- J

--

Ha! Pants.

- P

--

What? Where do these wild accusations fly from? How could any one of you, my "friends," even dare to suggest such a thing? It's preposterous!

- S

--

I knew we shouldn't have gotten him that 'Dumb Person's Thesaurus' for Christmas.

- J

--

I may be mistaken in this matter, but it might be because of that one time with Sandra Green, or maybe that other time with Stephanie Ward, or perhaps it was that incident with Georgia Philips...

-M

--

Those where isolated incidents. You can't judge me on just that!

-S

--

Nah, you've got it wrong. It was Barbara Williams, all the way back in the summer holidays after Third Year. But if you want to be specific, the real first one was June Wellings in Second Year. Not that anyone is keeping track or anything.

- J

--

Pity that. I'm sure my exploits would make a riveting book. My legacy would live on through the generations...

-S

--

I remember June. She smelled of cookies.

- P

--

That's all we need, a book featuring the perverted exploits of a teenage man-whore. Some legacy.

- J

--

We could teach it in school, have a whole lesson dedicated to it. There'd even be a Professor of Siriusology. I'm sure it'd very educational. Anyway, man-whore? I resent that. Casanova sounds much classier.

- S

--

Which is exactly why we don't use that term. The words 'classy' and 'Sirius' can't reasonably be put in the same sentence, unless there's a 'not' in between.

-M

--

Casa-what?

- P

--

Casanova. He was this man in the eighteenth century who courted a lot of rich women. Or something like that.

- J

--

He doesn't really sound like Sirius. Cassey Blake isn't very rich. Her robes have holes. And I saw her with Sirius last night in an empty classroom on my way back to the common room.

- P

--

Well, that's a rather snobby view to take Pete. You sound like my family. Besides money doesn't matter, hot is hot regardless.

-S

--

Well at least we know he's not prejudiced against wealth status. That's something. He's only shallow.

- J

--

I'm glad you're advocating for social equality. Perhaps the First Years won't be AS corrupted as they would otherwise have been.

-M

--

Yeah that's me, righteous, virtuous, just...

-S

--

Now now Sirius, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

-M

--

Oh yeah, we still get First Years reading this. Perhaps we should put up a warning or something. In case one of then learns something he/she shouldn't know at that age.

- J

--

Yeah, like how to turn a hairpin into a pencil. That stuff is dangerous.

- P

--

Absolutely lethal.

-M

--

I was thinking more along the lines of things of a perverted nature. And how is a _pencil_ dangerous?

- J

--

You could stab them. Or write on them and give them ink poisoning.

- P

--

The pen is mightier than the sword. And then pencil is more dangerous than Sirius.

-M

--

Firstly, a pencil is hardly sharp enough to pierce skin, and secondly, I think it's fountain pens and quills that are more likely to give someone ink poisoning, although that would only occur if a person were submerged in a bath of ink for several hours.

- J

--

Hey! I happen to be very deadly thank you very much. My body is a lethal weapon! All should fear my wrath! Stupid pencils have nothing on me. Stupid muggle inventions.

-S

--

Actually, those pencils can be pretty sharp, unlike a certain Sirius I know.

- J

--

Sharp! I'll show you sharp!

- S

--

Here we go again.

- J

--

Honestly Sirius, these temper tantrums can be tiring.

-M

--

Tiring! I'll show you tiring!

-S

--

How the hell is he planing to do that? Run around the castle a few times?

- J

--

Of course not. He hates physical exercise.

- P

--

Sweat makes me itch.

-S

--

Just like fleas, you mean?

- J

--

Fleas? Where? Burn them!

- S

--

I'm sure that would produce some sort of foul odour.

-M

--

Just like Sirius after Quidditch.

- J

--

Well, I think I should try and point this back in the right direction; we haven't given any advice to our poor questioner yet. Any suggestions on how she should deal with her unjust professor?

-M

--

I think an epic prank of some sort should do the trick.

-S

--

She could bring in a creature he doesn't know and ask him to teach the class about it, and then correct him gloatingly while the class laugh at him. That could work. She could bring in a Japanese Boxing Kreten. Not too many people know about them.

- J

--

Or she could lead all of the magical creatures in a revolution against their oppressive and ignorant overlord!

-S

--

That would be quite impossible. Unless she has some way to talk to them all.

- J

--

Just go and rain on my parade, why don't you?

–S

--

Isn't it kind of childish to get revenge? Shouldn't she try instead to reason with him and get along until Kettleburn gets back?

- P

--

Why, Peter, how insightful of you. But it's a terrible suggestion. I've met Dingbat; he's a complete twat. Punishment is best.

- J

--

I second Peter, shouldn't strive for a peaceful solution?

- M

--

Shh Moony, nobody is listening to you. I say a Venomous Carpet Fern-Monkey is best. People have been known to break out in a terrible rash in only seconds after being bitten.

- S

--

That sounds uncomfortable.

-P

--

Oh, good one. Or a GNAT, that is, a Ghastly Native Acorn Tapir. They're truly terrifying and painful.

- J

--

So, here are your options: you could either childishly seek petty revenge through the means discussed by the most childish and petty Messers. Prongs and Padfoot. Or you could listen to Pete and I and seek a peaceful solution like a mature and responsible person.

-M

--

Go with the revenge. It's more fun and hilarious to watch.

- J

--

VENGENCE!!

-S

--

No! Peace! Tranquillity! Harmony!

-M

--

Quiet you hippie. The 60's were last century. Get a calendar why don't you. The 70's are the age of revenge Viva la Revenge!

- J

--

... I think it's dinnertime...

-P

--

Hey! Come back Wormtail! Wait until the end of the question!

-M

--

He's gone Moony. This is the end.

- J

--

Oh.

-M

--

Viva la Revenge!

-S

--

Ah well. I suppose we should head off too. I am rather hungry.

-M

* * *

**Dear James,**

**I have taken Mr. Tiddles hostage. If you ever want to see your teddy in one piece again, you are to leave your supply of Chocolate Frogs, Acid Pops, Peppermint Toads, and Cauldron Cakes, in the common room at midnight**

**-Toofdap**

--

What? Tiddles? Who? What? How? Where?

-J

--

I think he's in shoo… shocc... shock.

- P

--

Oh my, how devastating. Whoever would have done such a thing? Shock! Horror! Outrage! Ahem.

-S

--

CURSE YOU TOOFDAP, WHO EVER YOU ARE!!

- J

--

Yes Sirius, that is rather a good question. I wonder if we know anyone who would do something like this? Hmm... I reckon I could think of a few.

-M

--

What are you going to do James? You won't really give up all our Chocolate Frogs, Acid Pops, Peppermint Toads, and Cauldron Cakes will you?

-P

--

I'm not sure he has a choice Peter old friend.

-S

--

NO! What evil fiend would dare kidnap Tiddles? Who could be so evil as to harm a poor helpless teddy bear?

- J

--

I wonder who. Well, all that's left is to get the chocolate. I'll help and get the stash.

- S

--

The only answer is to set a trap!

- J

--

What? Trap? What are you talking about?

- S

--

Good thinking James! Any suggestions?

-M

--

We can't negotiate with terrorists, the only option is to set a trap and capture this evil fiend in the act! Then we can torture him until he gives back Mr Tiddles.

- J

--

No, that sounds like a bad idea. Very bad.

- S

--

We could use Moony's chocolate as bait!

-P

--

NO. NO WE COULDN'T.

-M

--

No, not real chocolate. Just in case it doesn't work, we should use some kind of fake candy to make the assailant sick. It will be easier to catch him that way.

- J

--

That's much better.

-M

--

Uh... don't you think that's a bit extreme James? I mean, it uh… sounds a bit dangerous is all. Someone could get hurt.

-S

--

I think that's quite the point.

-M

--

Yes, and justice will be served.

- J

--

Sweet, sweet justice.

- P

--

Yes Pete, justice shall be sweet for us. And it shall be sour and painful for the kidnapper.

- J

--

It's great to see you have such a strong sense of justice. I say we show this criminal what happens to people who mess with James' stuffed bear!

-M

--

Now, I think you people are completely overreacting!

- S

--

Overreacting? I think you are _under-reacting_. And since when do you defend criminals? You usually jump at the chance to get revenge. Remember Viva la Revenge?

- J

--

Yes Sirius, are you saying that we should let this atrocity go unpunished? This scoundrel has attacked one of us (well, sort of) and you think we shouldn't retaliate? How very uncharacteristic of you.

-M

--

What? No, oh, um, I was just merely suggesting that perhaps we take a different course of action, one that involves less suffering.

- S

--

But where is your sense of dignity? Where is your since of honour and friendship and revenge eh, _revenge_?

- J

--

If anything, we should involve MORE suffering.

-M

--

Hear hear!

- P

--

Couldn't we get revenge more... uh... peacefully? Isn't that what you're always on about Moony? Shouldn't we try to come to a peaceful solution?

-S

--

So, Sirius, are you with me? I could really use your ingenious gift of causing misery and pain.

- J

--

Yes Sirius, I thought you'd be all for exacting revenge in painfully agonising and agonisingly painful ways?

-M

--

Well... uh...

-S

--

Well _what_? Are you with us or not?

- J

--

He's being uncharacteristically quiet.

- P

--

Well, the thing is, I have a bit of a... uh... headache and ... don't really... feel up to uh... plotting heinous ways of exacting revenge. But I don't think my headache's so bad that it would stop me from assisting in peaceful negotiation? Eh? Sound good? I'm suddenly feeling compassionate, and forgiving. Kinda of like that guy those muggles worship. You know, with the long hair.

- S

--

You mean Jesus?

-M

--

Something like that.

-S

--

You know, this is very odd of you, Sirius. Why this sudden change of heart?

- J

--

Gee, you never shut up about how shallow I am and when I try to be all nice and non-shallow you complain about it!

-S

--

There's an ulterior motive there, I can tell.

- J

--

Do I need a reason to be nice?

-S

--

Yes.

-M

--

I know, he's never selfless for no reason. Remember when I asked him to pass the salt? He made me give him all my chocolate frogs. He's so mean.

- P

--

He always does that. And he'd go on about it for _years_ after, all "What? You won't do my homework for me? But what about that time in third year when I opened the door for you? You OWE me!"

-M

--

I know. He's hiding something I know it. But, unfortunately, I have no time to find out. So I'll just have to set off that dormant curse I put on Tiddles. Then we can move on and drink his firewhiskey.

- J

--

Wait! What curse?

- S

--

Oh, you didn't know? James told us about it all the way back in First Year. It's really nasty. I almost feel sorry for whoever took Tiddles. Almost.

-M

--

It truly is. I put it on Tiddles in case he was ever kidnapped. It gives the assailant squid arms and a huge bulbus nose and genital warts. And turns them green. It'll be like Where's Wally once I set it off. We'll find him in no time.

- J

--

No not the face! … I mean, that's truly barbaric.

- S

--

And the best part is, the curse is irreversible, and the bulbus nose spreads and gives him oily skin and bad teeth, and his "junk" falls off a week later. Harsh, perhaps, but a fair punishment for a Teddy Bear snatcher.

- J

--

Gah!

- S

--

Ooh, that would be hilarious! We could laugh at him and call him Ugly-Face-No-Balls! Hehe.

- P

--

Why Padfoot, you seem to be strangely opposed to this. As I recall you found it side-splittingly hilarious when you first heard.

-M

--

Actually, it was you who suggested it.

- J

--

Yeah, well I don't remember that. Anyway how could you do this to me? ... I mean anyone. How could you do this to anyone. Ahem.

-S

--

Quite easily, actually. And all I need to do to set it off is say a few simple words.

- J

--

But... but... don't you feel a little bit sorry for m-- er, whoever did it? Don't you think that's a bit over the top? A bit, shall we say, _cruel_ perhaps?

- S

--

Oh not at all. I think Toofdap deserves what's coming for him, don't you agree Padfoot?

-M

--

Nhn… I guess.

- S

--

So, we're in agreement. I'll activate the curse and we shall know who stole my teddy once and for all. And he shall be green, ugly and ball-less for the rest of his days. It s a win-win situation.

- J'

--

Do it James!

-P

--

Ok, here goes.

- J

--

WAIT! STOP!

-S

--

Why, Sirius, what was that?

- J

--

Stop? Sirius is something wrong? _Wink_.

- P

--

You're not supposed to say wink, Peter.

- J

--

Oh, right. Not saying wink.

- P

--

I thought you said you wanted us to go through with it? Didn't you Padfoot old friend?

-M

--

Umm, well… oh why do you mock me oh vengeful gods of Valhalla?!

-S

--

Valhalla? How old fashioned Sirius.

-M

--

Sirius, Thor has no time for your pathetic whimpering. Tell us why you don't want me to do the spell or keep quiet. We don't have all day.

- J

--

FINE. Take your stupid bear you cruel heartless ice man!

-S

--

Oh, so it was you? Who would have thought _Toofdap_ was our very own _Padfoot_. We are amazed and surprised.

-M

--

Wait... what? You knew all along? Then what was all that stuff about curses and revenge?

-S

--

Right, that does it. I'm still doing the spell. _Gigantius Moranaus!_

- J

--

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

- S

--

Ha, he's all ugly!

- P

--

Ah well, now that we've had our fun and games, reverse the spell James.

-M

--

Eeeew, get away from me Icky Man

- P

--

Don't touch anything Sirius; you're getting slime on the furniture.

-M

--

Hey, what do you know, Tiffany is here in time for your date.

- J

--

No! Don't look at me!

- S

--

Gah! You're ugly and have genital warts! I never want to see you again!

- Tiffany

--

No! My life is over! If I don't have the girls, I have nothing!

- S

--

Muhahahahaha!

- J

--

All right James. Reverse the spell before he permanently ruins the carpet.

-M

--

I already told you, it's irreversible.

- J

--

Nooo! Kill me now! Life isn't worth living!

- S

--

I would, but I've run out of poison and sharp objects. Looks like you'll just have to live with intense pain.

- P

--

Noooo! I'm going to cover this carpet in SO MUCH SLIME. You stupid berks! So much for friendship!

-S

--

Relax, the curse wears off after ten minutes. You didn't think I'd actually turn you green and have your stuff drop off did you? Although, I might have made you ugly.

- J

--

James Potter, you are SO DEAD. SO VERY, VERY DEAD.

-S

--

Seriously, can we go a week without you threatening to kill me? Can we? At all? You know I know you won't actually do it. And besides, you deserve to be green and ugly for the next 8 and a half minutes for trying to tick me out of all my sweets. That's just mean. You know I'm a sugar addict.

- J

--

Hmm, I love eating caramel fingers…

- P

--

Where?

- J

--

Yeah, well, if you didn't _hoard_ all your sweets and refuse to let anyone have any, we wouldn't be in this predicament now would we?

-S

--

I told you, Sugar Addict. And it's not like you willingly share your alcohol. We usually have to get you drunk enough to give it to us or sneak it when you're not looking. And nothing is stopping you from buying your own candy.

- J

--

Anyway Sirius, you should know better than to kidnap Mr Tiddles, you know how ridiculous James is about that stuffed animal. I wouldn't be surprised if he HAD put a curse on him.

-M

--

Oh I did. Just not that one. The real curse is far worse. Let that be a warning to all of you out there: steal Mr Tiddles at your own risk. You have been warned.

- J

--

Stupid bear. Stupid James.

-S

--

Stop sulking Sirius; it's childish.

-M

--

What does the real curse do?

- P

--

Trust me, you don't want to know. It's too horrible to describe. Far too horrible. And our current rating won't cover it.

- J

--

I'm glad to see that you're FINALLY thinking of the First Years.

-M

--

I _always_ think of the First Years. Except when I'm with Lily. Because that would be oh so very wrong.

- J

--

_Too_ much information.

-S

--

…I don't get it.

- P

--

You seldom do.

- J

--

And trust me, you don't really want to.

-M

--

Anyway, and now we've "solved" the mystery of the missing Teddy. I hope you all learned something from this.

- J

--

I never learn anything.

- P

--

I've learned that you're a malicious twat who gave me genital warts.

- S

I learned that Sirius isn't smart enough to come up with a non-incriminating alias. I mean seriously, Toofdap? Try to be a little less obvious next time Sirius, though I doubt there will be a next time after this.

-M

--

And I've learned that the only way to stop your friends from stealing is to give them horrible curses. Don't you just love a happy ending?

- J

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**Why do are you called Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs Did you make these names yourselves and if so why these particular names**

**-A Curious Gryffindor**

--

Yeah, we chose those names ourselves. But it was a group effort. Some people had trouble thinking of adequate names.

- J

--

I still think Bob would have been a better name for me.

- P

--

But it has nothing to do with anything. And besides, Bob is a stupid name.

- J

--

Bob isn't stupid. I have an uncle called Bob.

- P

--

Yeah, and All Powerful Master Of Awesome suits me _perfectly_.

-S

--

I'm going to ignore you now. And Sirius, we went through this. All Powerful Master of Awesome is shallow and selfish. And bigheaded. And ridiculous. And way too hard to say in conversation all the time. Geez, am _I_ the only intelligent person here?

- J

--

You're not intelligent. You refused my suggestion that your name should be Mr Horny, it suits you so well but you were all "Sirius! That's stupid! Wah wah wah!"

-S

--

I don't think "wah wah wah" was precisely what he said.

-M

--

Thank you Moony. And Mr Horny is stupid, like some sort of twatty pimp name. Prongs is much better. The innuendo is much more subtle.

- J

--

Subtlety! Why must you all speak strange words? Words words words!

- P

--

In answer to your question Curious Gryffindor, I chose my name because it was the lesser of quite a few evils in the suggestions made by the others. Most of them lacking quite a bit in this subtlety we all speak so fondly of.

-M

--

Yeah, one of his choices was between "Sodden Night Dog Twat" or Moony. SNDT had such a ring to it

- S

--

Hardly.

-M

--

Yeah, Moony does sound kind of suggestive. Like he wants to moon people. SNDT had its own theme song and everything!

- J

--

Alright, alright, there's no need to start with that stupid theme song again!

-M

--

But it's such a catchy tune!

-P

--

Oh, let me sing it!

- S

--

Take it away, Sirius!

- J

--

Ahem.

_He's sodden like a mouldy sock, and looks just like your neighbours dog! He's SNDT! He loves the night, but not for shags, and is the biggest twat you'll ever… see! He's SNDT! SNDT SNDT SNDT SNDT! He's Remus the Sodden Night Dog Twat!_

- S

--

I love how you rhyme dog with sock. So true too.

- J

--

Right, that's quite enough of that!

-M

--

That was awesome. I love that song. You should sing it at the Halloween party.

- P

--

Yes, it would be a brilliant performance. But you'd need a second verse.

- J

--

Yeah, and James can be my opening act with a heartfelt performance of Ode To Lily.

-S

--

Ha. Hell no.

- J

--

No. Absolutely not. In fact, let's never speak of that ghastly song ever again. ever.

-M

--

Ghastly? I'm hurt, SNDT, I really am. I put my heart and soul into that song.

- S

--

Not to mention 3 cases of firewhiskey.

- J

--

Anyway, it's musical genius! You'd be depriving the world of one masterpiece of a theme song.

-S

--

"Masterpiece" isn't exactly the word I'd use to describe it.

-M

--

SNDT, just be quiet and move on. We're going to sing it and that's final. Nothing you do will change our minds.

- J

--

What if I give you chocolate?

-M

--

Deal. Sirius, you're on your own.

- J

--

Traitor.

- S

--

You know, you should probably just give up Sirius. No more of that song, forever and ever until the end of time, or else you will suffer the consequences.

-M

--

Awww…

- S

--

Don't worry, we'll publish it when he's dead and release a whole vinyl album of remixes.

- J

--

You wouldn't... oh wait, you would. Let it be known that I heartily disapprove and will in fact hunt you down and do away with you if that ever happens.

-M

--

How can you do that when you're dead? Unless you're planning on faking your own death and moving to Greece. Admit it, that's you're plan isn't it? Dirty Tabouli!

- S

--

Filthy Souvlaki, I always knew you had some kind of devious plan up your sleeve, and now its out. There's no point in denying it.

- J

--

Damn! You found me out! How did you discover my devious plan? (Seriously though, if you sing another line of that song I will put fleas in your bed.)

-M

--

Ha! No you won't. James said he'd protect my from your evil, evil fleas. You can't hurt me! Nggah!

- S

--

Oh, I'll find other ways, believe me, I will.

-M

--

No you won't. 'Cos James is my new personal bodyguard. I'm untouchable.

- S

--

Wait a second, I didn't agree to that!  
- J

--

I'll give you more chocolate.

- S

--

Deal. Please take three steps away from Mr Black. You're in his breathing air.

- J

--

I'll just have to get rid James too then. As well as any witnesses, and those Second Years in the corner look rather suspicious too... is this some vast conspiracy? Well I'll have to get rid of them all then, take down the whole organisation! Mu ha ha ha ha!

-M

--

That's it; I think he's finally cracked. You owe me ten gallons, Sirius; he did crack before graduation.

- J

--

What's this? Exchange of money? What have you been keeping from me? Tell me! WHERE ARE YOUR REBEL FRIENDS HIDING?

-M

--

Uh... Sirius, are you sure he hasn't had some of that Zonko's chocolate you got the other day? I think you left it lying around our dorm and you know how Remus is with chocolate.

-P

--

I know. He's worse than me and my sugar addiction. I rean reriouly, doe e av oo ee oo uiuo?

- J

--

What was that?

- S

--

Sorry, I was eating chocolate frogs. I said, "Does he have to be so suspicious."

- J

--

I can hear you, you know, you slanderous scoundrel, whispering your little plots over there. I'll find out your secrets you cretin and when I do, mark my words, you'll wish you'd never been born!

-M

--

I really think he had some of that chocolate.

-P

--

Maybe, it _is_ supposed to cause hallucinations and paranoia...

-S

--

Paranoia? I'm not paranoid! Who told you that? Who have you been talking to? They're all talking about me aren't they? Planning, plotting. They want to steal my chocolate don't they? Is that it Sirius? Is this what you've been planning all along? Ever since the day I met you, I'll bet. I'll bet you thought, "hey, there's an unsuspecting innocent chocolate lover, I shall steal his precious confectionary!" How could you Sirius? HOW COULD YOU?

-M

--

Crazy. He's as nutty as this nutty caramel bar. Hmmm sweet, sweet sugar… It's almost as good as that foreplay with lily, and the honey. Sweet, sweet honey. Hmm…

- J

--

Ewww, sticky.

- P

--

James, shut up about Lily.

-S

--

Lily! Why did she have to go visit her dying Aunt in Manchester? _Why?_

- J

--

Manchester? I thought her aunt lived in Bristol?

- P

--

No, that's her other Aunt. Gwen's the one who's dying. Meredith is just the crazy cat lady.

- J

--

And _I_ thought I told you to bloody shut up about Lily bloody Evans.

-S

--

Shh, Sirius, we're talking about Lily now. Your ego will have to wait until later. Anyway, as I was saying, Lily's gone to damn Man-bloody-chester to visit old Aunt Gwen who is dying of liver disease. And so, _I'm_ suck here alone for a _week_, horny and alone, without my precious Lily Flower. It's like someone's cancelled Christmas for the next 100 years!

- J

--

100 years? No! Santa, come back

- P

--

James, no-one cares.

-S

--

Everyone cares. I'm James Potter. What else would they all do with their lives if not listen to my problems?

- J

--

Well, no-one cares about you either, Sirius.

-P

--

Hey! Of course they do! Don't they Moony? ... Moony? Oh. I think he's checking the room for explosives...

-S

--

... None under the table but what about the curtains...

-M

--

Shh, don't tell him about the secret trap spell behind the fireplace.

- P

--

Aha! What's this! I found a-- ah!

-M

--

Alright there Moony?

-S

--

What is this? Trechery! Decivers! Betrayal!

-M

--

Moony, calm down.

- J

--

No! I shall never trust another word you say! Treacherous fiend! Lies! All lies!

-M

--

What's his problem?

- P

--

Well, at least we know the Zonko's chocolate works...

-S

--

It works way too well. Why did Zonko's even make paranoid chocolate?

- J

--

... because it's funny watching Remus freak out?

-S

--

True. Hey Remus, did you hear that conspiracy about the Ministry?

- J

--

I hear they are watching us with observance charms in everyone's house.

- P

--

I KNEW IT!

-M

--

...Why are you wearing a foil hat Remus?

-P

--

SO THEY CAN'T HEAR MY THOUGHTS.

-M

--

And they're working with the vampires to keep down numbers of fair young maidens.

- J

--

Better keep and eye on Lily, Prongsie.

-S

--

Those...! Those...! AH! EVERYONE'S OUT TO GET ME!

-M

--

Nah, Lily is fine with me watching over her. Besides, everyone knows vampires wouldn't step a foot in Manchester. Something about hygiene or something.

- J

--

Yeah, Manchester is a hole.

- P

--

_That's what they want you to think!_

-M

--

But it _is_ a hole. I've been there. It's like, really bad. Really, really bad. I hope Lily is alright out there, with all the bad people.

- J

--

I hear there are murders and rapists in Manchester.

- P

--

Yeah, there and everywhere else.

-S

--

Ok, that settles it. I'm going after her. Finish the question on your own. LILY, I'M COMING!

- J

--

Don't go James! IT'S A TRAP!

-M

--

Too late, he's already gone. He runs fast.

- P

--

I would go after him, but this is probably all an elaborate scheme devised by the Manchesterians in order to steal my chocolate! Oh no! My chocolate!

-M

--

Wait! Moony, where are you going?

-S

--

MUST PROTECT CHOCOLATE!

-M

--

And now he's gone too.

- P

--

You're right. Looks like it's just you and me, Pete. Shit.

- S

--

So, what do you want to talk about?

- P

--

Um... how about... we talk about... purple... turtles?

-S

--

Sure. I had one of those once. His name was Alfred. Or was he green? I don't know. I think I'm colour blind.

- P

--

Wouldn't be surprised. Oh wait, shit. I think Remus is about to dismember at least three of those First Years. I should go stop him.

-S

--

Wait! Sirius! What about the question? ... um...

-P

--

Oh. I guess I'm all alone now.

- P

--

Yes, you are.

- Voice in Peter's head.

--

Oh, you again.

- P

--

Yes, me.

- Voice

--

So, what do you want to talk about?

- P

--

Burn the school down. BURN THE WHOLE SCHOOL DOWN TO THE GROUND.

- Voice

--

Ah, but James said that I shouldn't burn things.

- P

--

Oh. Really? Shit… that sort of ruins my plans for the day...

-Voice

--

Sorry.

-P

--

Nah, it's OK. Not your fault.

-Voice

--

Oh. So, you wanna go do something?

- P

--

Well, I would, but I have to go.

- Voice

--

Oh.

-P

--

Yeah, I need to go… wash my… fish. So long.

- Voice

--

Great. So, now what?

- P

--

I guess the question is answered anyway. I'm going to bed. Good night Advice Thingy.

- P

* * *

A_/N: Hello! And here you were thinking you'd finally gotten rid of us! Ha ha! We have thwarted you! _

_Seriously though, sorry for the long wait. How long has it been? –checks the thingo- Hmm… the 3rd of January 2008? Wow, it's what? July now? It HAS been ages... We have various excuses -- I mean, reasons for this though. Tiger is in Year 12 and has now forgotten what the concept of free time is. I am in Year 10 and also have lots to do, though Tiger always ruins my self-pity rants with her "ooh! Year 10 is nothing! I'm a silly Year 12! La di da!" So yeah. I'm sure there were other things that I've forgotten. _

_SO. Thankyou everyone for your lovely reviews! We really appreciate that you took the time to leave them and it makes us happy to hear that people are enjoying this fic. As usual, please send in your questions! We're so lazy really; you do half the work. Adieu! Adieu! Till next we meet! _

_– discombobulated.shoe_

_Wow, 6 months. That's like…a whole life time…for an ant, or something. But still, it's ages. Yes, very sorry it took so long. As usual, I'm panning the blame off to someone else. And also as usual, the blame lies with school. Evil school. Them and all their homework. It's not fair. My cousin goes to this other school and he's only done homework once all year, and he's still doing really well. Stupid smart-arse kid. Stupid Pultney Grammar who don't force their students to do copious amounts of homework. I admit it's jealousy. But hey, I've only got like 14 weeks of school left, forever, and then my free time shall outweigh the amount of work I get for Uni. Yay!_

_In other news, I'm currently working on creating a forum for you guys, a MAT forum, run by me and Shoey, mainly as a way for us to give you guys messages and have a little more communication rather than leave you all clueless on when the next update will be. And you can discuss all manner of things there too. It will be like a real community, as opposed to the fake ones you get in real life. lol._

_So, yes, we have an update. I hope you liked it. No promises as to when the next one will be, but it should be within the next 6 months or so….sorry, I hate this situation as much as you do. _

_Well, that's all for now, until we meet again…_

_Ciao_

_Tiger-Cub684_


	25. Chapter 25

_A/N: The long awaited Chapter 25, wherein the Marauders are in detention, Snape makes a cameo, James contemplates cheating on Lily, McGonagall gets an aneurism, Filch takes things too far, and much more :D_

_

* * *

_

Dear Messrs Black, Lupin, Pettigrew, Potter and Snape,

_I regret to inform you that I am unable to join you this evening as Detention Supervisor. An important matter has come up and I simply must deal with immediately (my pet snake, Fluffy, is gravely ill I'm afraid). I didn't have the opportunity to organise a substitute supervisor, however, I trust you to be well-behaved and to get on with your detention without much fuss. I understand from what Professor McGonagall has told me that you are to be cleaning the desks in all the classrooms on the 4th floor without magic. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavour and have left some muggle cleaning agents on a desk in the Muggle Studies classroom particularly for this use. Be sure to collect your wands from Professor McGonagall after you are you are finished._

_Oh, and, could Mr. Lupin please ensure that Mr. Black doesn't go about conjuring any more unnecessarily large items of footwear for questionable purposes._

_Yours Sincerely,_

_Professor Snoogenbottom, Head of Muggle Studies_

---

**Dear Godly One (Remus obviously)**

**Why, oh why, is Sirius such a prat?**

**Siriusly, I mean not EVERY girl wants too know about his little ducky underwear. We don't ALL wish to join him in the stupid broom cupboard (Hear that Sirius, some girls DON'T LIKE YOU!)**

**Please do SOMETHING, ANYTHING For the sake of unsuspecting innocent girls everywhere!**

**Oh and by the way, how's Flopsy doin' ?**

**- Unamused**

---

I don't know why people try to tell me otherwise. EVERY girl dreams of dating me. All this denial can't be healthy for them.

- S

---

Flopsy's doing just fine, thankyou for asking. I'm afraid there's not much I can do about Sirius though. His head has gotten remarkably big over the years, I'm not entirely sure how he manages to lug it around everywhere with him; I imagine it would be quite heavy. Though I suppose that's not really true, considering that it's mostly full of hot air.

- M

---

That would make sense, since he's flying high-as-a-cloud most weekends.

- J

---

Oh, look, cloud fairies!

- S

---

Guys, he's glaring at us.

- P

---

Who is, Pete?

- J

---

Snape.

- P

---

Stupid git. It's his fault we're in here.

- J

---

I know, I mean, we were provoked! Provoked I say! If his over sized nose hadn't been annoying me so much then none of this would have happened. Git.

-S

---

Yeah. Stupid big-nosed git

- J

---

It's not like I _made_ you "people" such imbecilic, brainless oafs. You deserve exactly what's coming for you, and then some. Besides, if anyone shouldn't be here it's me. Teachers these days are so incompetent. If you want to do your ridiculous excuse for an "advice" column then do it somewhere I can't hear you, or see you for that matter. In fact, why don't you all just go drown yourselves in the lake and make the world just that much better.

- Snape

---

Well, someone's grouchy today, isn't he?

- J

---

Yeah, what's up _his_ arse? Oh yeah, I remember now, that giant boot I conjured yesterday.

- S

---

Hehe, yeah, that was a good one.

- J

---

He's glaring again. Make him stop!

- P

---

Shove off Snape. You're scaring the kid

- J

---

Hey, let's just focus on the Advice Thingy okay?

- M

---

-grumble noises-

- Snape

---

Hey, how did you get the quill to record sounds as well as speech, Sirius?

- J

---

Just a simple charm really. Same kind of thing I used for Sir Quacksalot and that time I was a cat.

- S

---

Ha, Cat. _That_ was a good one. Ah, the memories…

- J

---

Black was a cat? Seriously? I wish I could've seen that.

- Snape

---

Grrr, watch your mouth, Snivellus! I'll show you cat!

- S

---

Here kitty kitty, want some fish?

- Snape

---

Gah, die now!!!

- S

---

Don't bother Sirius, McGonagall took our wands, remember?

- J

---

But not my hands!

- S

---

Get away from me Black!

- Snape

---

Sirius stop! Just leave it okay? Let's just get on with the question.

- M

---

But, Moony, how am I supposed to concentrate on the questions with this git here?

- S

---

Ugh, don't think I need _you_ to intervene, _Lupin_. Even without my wand, Black is nothing more than a brainless Gryffindor gorilla.

-Snape

---

See what I mean Moony? This insolence needs to be dealt with!

-S

---

Don't worry mate, _I_ know what you mean. Besides, I don't like the way he looks at my Lily flower. I'm just lucky she's still in Manchester. Now she won't see me beat the crap out of him.

- J

---

Thank you James, at least _someone_ here is my friend.

- S

---

There's really no need to resort to _violence_, I'm sure civil discussion –

-M

---

Civil! You _animals_ don't know the meaning of the word.

- Snape

---

Animals? Ha, I'll show you animal…

- S

---

What do you mean you'll _show_ me? Actually, I don't really want to know _what_ you're talking about. It sounds more than a little disturbing.

- Snape

---

No, Sirius, don't. Not in front of _the people_.

- J

---

What people? I don't see any people. Only a filthy, insolent excuse for a wizard.

- S

---

Hey!

- P

---

I meant Snape.

- S

---

Oh.

- P

---

If you do it here, he'll tell everyone, and the whole school will know. You don't want that, do you?

- J

---

-sigh- No, fine, you're right. But we can still beat him up, can't we?

- S

---

No! We're supposed to be cleaning desks remember!

- M

---

Pft, no one cares about the desks, Moony.

- S

---

I do.

- P

---

What?

- J

---

I like cleaning.

- P

---

They are rather nice desks.

- M

---

Exactly!

- P

---

Ooookay... Let's get back to bashing up Snape.

- S

---

You two are just too much. Why did we ever let them in the group, Padfoot?

- J

---

I ask myself that very same question every day, mate.

- S

---

Look, just because we're trying to inject some semblance of reason into this whole affair—

- M

---

Reason? I don't call that reason. I call that... uh... Unreason.

- S

---

Since when do reasonable people willingly clean desks? And Unreason isn't a word, Sirius, but it should be…

- J

---

No, it shouldn't. And you really shouldn't encourage him James, or he'll want all his garbled English to become real words. And then the world would fall apart.

- M

---

"Unreason"? He _is_ stupid.

- Snape

---

What? People invent words every day. Shakespeare invented half of the words he used and now they're all real. Why should Sirius' words be any different?

- J

---

You can hardly compare Sirius to Shakespeare, James.

- M

---

That's not fair! Our names both start with an 'S'.

- S

---

Actually, Shakespeare was his surname.

- J

---

Seriously?

-S

---

Siriusly.

-M

---

His first name was William.

- J

---

Wow, The things you learn. Bill Shakespeare huh?

-S

---

Not Bill, _William_. Honestly Sirius.

-M

---

Bill is what they call people named William. See, I know things too.

- S

---

I know that Sirius. I just can't bear to see you abuse Shakespeare's name.

- M

---

And wasn't it technically "Sir William"? You should remind him of that too

- J

---

Don't know why you're arguing over a stinking muggle.

- Snape

---

It's not Bill's fault, I mean, no one had baths back then...

- P

---

Hey! Just because he's a muggle doesn't make him any worse than anyone else! He's probably a better playwright than most wizard writers. I mean, there are some pretty shocking plays written by wizards.

- M

---

Tell me about it. "Once upon a speckled pixie" is just horrible. And don't get me started on "She came to me upon dragon". _Truly_ terrible. Attractive young girls don't go around flying dragons. And they certainly don't hook up with old geezers in caves. I've given up on magical playwrights.

- J

---

Some of those plays are a little odd and, uh, how would you describe it...?

-M

---

Paedophilic?

-S

---

Terrible? Atrocious? Not worth the parchment they're printed on? Classy, Sirius

- J

---

That's why I'm here.

- S

---

Stop grinning moronically.

- J

---

He can't help it; he naturally looks like a moron.

- Snape

---

Oh, _you're_ still here.

- S

---

Can't mind his own business, can he?

- J

---

Yeah, always poking his huge nose into _everything_.

- S

---

Scrub, scrub. Washing desks is fun!

- P

---

For your information my nose is not that big. Not compared to _some_ people, anyway

- Snape

---

Oh, getting self-conscious are we?

- J

---

He should be, with a bloody great nose like that.

-S

---

That's it. I've had it with you and your comments. Stop it now, or you'll regret it.

- Snape

---

Ha! What are you going to do about it? Drip your hair-grease on us?

-S

---

Eeww, not on my clean desks!

- P

---

That's _it_, you're going to regret you were ever _born_ you waste of space!

-Snape

---

Run, Padfoot, run! He's going to get you greasy…ewww, that's quite a disgusting image.

- J

---

Hey! Stop! Let's not go into this okay? Just leave it Sirius; let's just get back to… cleaning desks or something.

- M

---

But, Moony, how can we clean the desks if he's dripping bloody _grease_ all over them?

- S

---

He has a point, Moony.

- J

---

My hair isn't greasy; I washed it!

- Snape

---

With what? More grease?

- S

---

Just what is going on here? Where is your supervisor? What _is_ Mr. Pettigrew doing to that desk?

- Professor McGonagall

---

Oh! Uh, hello Professor. Fancy meeting you here.

-S

---

Where is Professor Snoogenbottom? You shouldn't be left here alone.

- McGonagall

---

He had to look after his snake. I think it ate too many chocolates

- J

---

How did it get chocolate?

- McGonagall

---

Well, I'm not sure, but certainly not because someone sunk into his quarters and fed Fluffy that box of deluxe chocolates Moony was going to get for Christmas. Don't know why you'd think that.

- J

---

And it wasn't _me_ if that's what you're thinking...

-S

---

Chocolate? Where? What chocolate? Where's the chocolate James? James? Chocolate?

- M

---

Honestly Mr Lupin, get a hold of yourself. And that still doesn't explain what Pettigrew is doing to that desk.

- McGonagall

---

I, er, I think he's cleaning it.

- M

---

With a toothbrush?

- McGonagall

---

He loves cleaning. Pete, stop it.

- J

---

That's MY tooth brush!

- S

---

Well, Professor Snoogenbottom left some muggle cleaning stuff for us...

- M

---

But, SOMEONE decided they would be better off as soup ingredients. Since muggles are so hopeless at cleaning. But we kept the soap. The house elves came in before it could be added.

- J

---

Yeah, but Snape didn't like the soup all that much...

- P

---

Not in the least, ungrateful bugger. Well, you know how Slytherins are, right Professor?

- S

---

Indeed I do. So, it seems that Mr Black fed Fluffy chocolate so that Professor Snoogenbottom would be absent, then he took the cleaning supplies left to you and fed them to Mr Snape, and now Peter is cleaning all the desks on his own with a used toothbrush. I think it's pretty clear what needs to happen.

- McGonagall

---

That's right, medals all round!

- S

---

Detention.

- McGonagall

---

We're already _in_ detention.

- J

---

Clearly, Mr. Potter, I'm referring to tomorrow. And the entire week after that. In my office, hand-writing copies of all the Transfiguration notes to be given out to the class for next month.

– McGonagall

---

What? That's not fair!

- J

---

You think so?_ I_ think I'm being entirely too generous.

- McGonagall

---

Ha, morons.

- Snape

---

Of course, I'm referring to you as well Mr. Snape. I can't believe you would simply stand by and let this sort of behaviour occur.

-McGonagall

---

But, but –

- Snape

---

There's no '_but'_s about it. All five of you, starting tomorrow night, will be writing out forty copies each of the prepared notes on Animagus transformations. And that's hand-written. No Magic. You won't be dismissed until it's done.

- McGonagall

---

Great, another night stuck with the big-nosed git. I'll have to reschedule with Sara.

- S

---

Don't lie. You're just saying that to keep up your image. Sara went home sick last week with that really bad flu, remember? Idiot.

- J

---

Well, you didn't have to point it out.

- S

---

Oh! That reminds me! We didn't answer the question!

- M

---

What question?

- McGonagall

---

Oh, uh, nothing.

-M

---

And so, in answer to the question, we're in detention for the next week. I think that'll take care of Sirius until then. Unsuspecting girls, you are free.

- J

---

Huzzah! Wait, why can't we clean more desks tomorrow?

- P

---

Stupid Snape. I'll get you back for this if it's the last thing I do!

- S

---

There's no need to be quite so dramatic Sirius.

- M

---

There's EVERY need to be so dramatic.

- S

---

What did I ever do to get stuck with such a troublesome bunch of students? Merlin have mercy.

- McGonagall

* * *

_Dear Troublesome Students,_

_I am leaving you for a _short_ period of time to deal with another set of troublesome students. There are far too many of them in this school unfortunately, a fact that I blame you for entirely, I shall have you know. I expect to find you hard at work when I return, and I warn you, if you even _think_ of doing anything against the school rules whilst I am gone, I shall be sorely tempted to grant Filch the pleasure of trying out some of his more inventive punishments on you._

_Professor McGonagall_.

---

**Dear Zee All-Knowing Emperor of Zee Universe (Remus):**

Have you ever fallen in love with a character out of a book? Because I have. Have you ever dimension warped into another universe (such as the setting of a book)? I have.

-Zee Supreme Empress of Zee Universe

---

Fallen in love with a fictional character? I've got news for you, love; he ain't real! Deal with it. But fear not, _I_ don't judge. I've been known to stoop to the weird ones. And _I'm_ all flesh and blood.

- S

---

Figures that you'd find a way to make this question into an invitation for one of your infamous "dates".

- J

---

Eewww, blood.

– P

---

Fallen in love with a character from a book? Er, I can't say I have. No, not really. Though I must say, the talking squirrel in the book "And So I Met Fuzzy" was rather charming. And, as for dimension warping into another universe, not really. I'm terribly boring in that sense I'm afraid.

- M

---

"And So I Met Fuzzy"? Isn't that a kids' book?

- S

---

Er, yes. It is. But the squirrel! You can't deny that the squirrel was something special.

–M

---

...Ooookay, so Moony's fallen for a cartoon squirrel. Wow, you just can't write this kinda crazy. It's true, reality is stranger than fiction.

– J

---

I fell in love with that girl with the plaits from that washing powder commercial. She's perfect...and lemony fresh!

– P

---

I believe the phrase is _truth_ is stranger than fiction. Anyway, I didn't fall in _love_ with the squirrel, I was just _saying_. It's cute and fuzzy is all, hence the name.

- M

---

If you didn't fall in love with it, why would you bring it up in a discussion about falling in love with fictional characters?

- J

---

Yeah, Moony, he's got you there!

- S

---

Well, because then my reply would be rather disappointing, "No, and No", I just thought it would be more polite to at least attempt to say _something_.

-M

---

Besides, it was a nice squirrel.

–M

---

Yeah, well...it's still weird.

- J

---

Hang on, James; you haven't said who you fell in love with yet.

- S

---

Oh, that, well, er...

- J

---

Oh, I bet it's worse than Moony's.

- P

---

Yes James, enlighten us.

-M

---

What? You don't want to hear that. It's boring. What about Sirius? He hasn't contributed either.

- J

---

People wouldn't know the books I read, so there's no point in sharing.

-S

---

What do you mean?

- P

---

Read? I didn't know you could read?

- M

---

Well, I admit, the pictures _are_ the best part...

-S

---

It's Crystal from the centre-fold of the November issue of Busty and Bewitched, isn't it?

- J

---

...maybe...

-S

---

So predictable.

- J

---

You call that a book? Merlin, Sirius.

-M

---

But I have to hand it to you, she does have nice...qualities.

- J

---

Oh yes, I'm all about admiring the best qualities in book characters, especially where pictures are involved.

-S

---

Please, the First Years Sirius, remember the First Years.

- M

---

She's gorgeous. If only I could find a girl like her, I'd marry her in an instant and give up my...libertine ways. Let me tell you Moony, you won't find qualities like that on first years, no sir.

- S

---

Oh God.

-M

---

Ok, this has officially reached a new level of disturbing.

- J

---

A level I hoped never to reach in my lifetime.

- M

---

James still hasn't said who he's fallen in love with.

- P

---

That's easy. Lily...from that book, you know the one...-cough-

- J

---

Stop wasting time and just tell us.

- P

---

What? Your stalker book full of photos of her and locks of her fiery red hair? That book?

-S

---

Not to mention the poetry. And unsent love letters...

-M

---

Um...yes, see, _that's_ a book.

- J

---

It's more of a folder really, or scrap-book.

- P

---

Shut up, Pete.

- J

---

More of a collection of incriminating evidence to support the common perception that you're a creepy stalker.

- M

---

What? Do creepy stalkers have glasses? I don't think so.

- J

---

Binoculars more like...

-S

---

Actually, pretty much everyone in glasses looks creepy.

- P

---

Except for some of those Ravenclaw girls, they sure look good in glasses. And a few undone buttons. And perhaps a skirt of the shorter variety...

-S

---

You guys are so...mean...

- J

---

Ha! Good insult.

- S

---

Shut up

- J

---

He's on a roll.

- P

---

Anyway James, you're avoiding the question. Stop being evasive and just admit it, as far as squirrels go, Fuzzy has to be at least in the top three.

- M

---

For your information, I've never read that book. So "Fuzzy" isn't in any list. Except for the list of "Creepy Characters my friends are secretly in love with".

- J

---

There's actually a list?

- P

---

It's disturbingly much longer than I would prefer.

- J

---

...Fuzzy's not creepy...

- M

---

Just tell us, mate, which character have you fallen for? It's not that hard a question. Everyone's answered it but you.

- S

---

What about Snape?

- J

---

We turned him in to a lamp post the moment McGonagall was gone. He can't answer.

- S

---

How convenient for him. Stupid lamp post git.

- J

---

You never know, perhaps he can shed some light on the matter.

-M

---

Ha! I get it!

- P

---

Moony, that was a terrible joke. I don't think I can be associated with you anymore.

-S

---

Siriusly?

- M

---

Ugh.

- S

---

Ah, you chaps are funny. Now, let's get on to the next question

- J

---

He still hasn't answered!

- P

---

Indeed he hasn't. Go on James, tell us, or we shall have to force you, I'm sure Sirius can think of a few inventive ways...

- M

---

Siriusly, Pete, if you tell Moony on me one more time, I'm going to have to kill you in your sleep.

- J

---

Eep!

-P

---

Just tell us mate, and stop stalling. It can't be _that_ bad.

- S

---

Ok, ok, fine. -sigh- when I was 13, I was reading "The Adventures of Princess Tessa"...

- J

---

You fell in love with the princess? How boring!

- S

---

No, I fell in love with...

- J

---

Yes...?

-M

---

Her best friend Julie

- J

---

...dude, Julie was a lesbian.

- S

---

I know…

- J

---

I think maybe James just has a thing for unrequited love.

- M

---

No wonder you didn't want to say anything...

- P

---

Or a thing for lesbians. Is there something Lily hasn't told you?

- S

---

Besides, it not really all that surprising. Julie is described in the book as having red hair, green eyes.... sound familiar?

- M

---

Lily is _not_ gay

- J

---

How can you be so sure?

- S

---

Because I am, now stop making me second-guess myself

- J

---

Maybe she's only going out with you because she thinks you're a girl, I mean, it's an easy mistake to make.

- S

---

WHAT? HOW COULD YOU MAKE THAT ASSUMPTION? I'M MORE MAN THAN YOU'LL EVER BE!!!!

- J

---

-sigh- I guess it's my turn to restrain him.

- P

---

Oh yeah? When's the last time _you_ visited the broom cupboard? A month ago? I was there this morning. Beat that.

- S

---

Lily's been away for a month, it's not my fault I'm not a whore like you.

- J

---

Well, technically, it is your fault. Lily's gone. It's not like she'll ever find out.

- S

---

She has eyes and ears everywhere. And if I did...do that, when she comes back she'll beat me black and blue. And unlike some people, I don't exactly like pain.

- J

---

Wimp.

- S

---

Would _you_ like to face the wrath of Lily?

– J

---

Merlin no. That girl's as strong as Kingsley.

- S

---

I rest my case.

- J

---

I'm shocked James, I thought you had more of a sense of honour. So you're saying the only reason you're not frequenting the broom cupboard like one Sirius Black, is because you think you'd get caught?

- M

---

Well, no, that's only part of the reason. Also, I could never cheat on my one-true love. Never. But I mean, come on, I'm only human. You can't blame me for simply considering it for a moment. It's not like I'd ever actually do it.

- J

---

That's right, justify it. That's exactly how I think...but then I ignore the whole "not doing it" part.

- S

---

Shame, James, shame on you. Honestly, what would your grandparents think?

-M

---

Would you cheat on Lily if it were with Julie?

- P

---

No...well, actually...

- J

---

Who, might I just add, doesn't actually exist.

- M

---

They are working on spells that can bring book characters to life in Mongolia, aren't they?

- J

---

Finally, magic is being used for something useful.

- S

---

It's not really working, they've managed to make a physical being and keep it in character for a while, but it only lasts for a few minutes and then the body becomes just a, well, for lack of a better word, zombie.

-M

---

Hey, the body's all I need.

- S

---

Eww.

- P

---

That's fairly disgusting.

-M

---

Sirius, please, think before you speak. Save us, and the rest of the school, from the innermost workings of your twisted mind. I don't think we can handle it.

- J

---

Wimps. I have to deal with it 24/7. And you guys only get tiny samples now and then and already you're flinching. Pitiful.

- S

---

It's a vicious cycle I suppose, the more you have to deal with yourself, the more traumatised and messed up you become. I almost feel sorry for you.

-M

---

That's right, the sympathy vote. One of my favourite cards to play with the ladies.

- S

---

Somehow, I think he deserves it.

- J

---

Sirius, it's not a good thing that people feel sorry for you because you have to constantly put up with yourself.

- M

---

Doesn't stop them from joining me in the broom closet...only the girls though. I ignore the others.

- S

---

Ok, lets change the subject before he turns us all as twisted as he is.

- J

---

Save me!

- P

---

Yes, so, change subject. Uh... wow! Look at that quill! How... quill-y.

-M

---

Smooth, Remus, smooth.

-S

---

Yes, indeed. I think it's a feather from an owl. Shut up Sirius. We're trying to block you out.

- J

---

Is it working?

- S

---

We won't know if you keep talking to us.

- J

---

It could be an owl. I prefer falcon feathers myself.

-M

---

Look at me! Look at me! La La La La La!

-S

---

Falcons scare me. They have talons!

- P

---

Yes, well, it's just a feather.

-M

---

I think my quill is from some sort of eagle...possibly a Laegal...you know, that bird that causes it to rain wherever it goes?

- J

---

So that's why your quill is always wet after history, not because you drool on it when you sleep

- S

---

Still ignoring you.

- J

---

Ah yes, those are quite good too.

- M

---

I like sugar quills!

- P

---

Are you still ignoring me? You people are boring. This should be the Sirius Advice Thingy, as I'm the only one who ever says anything good.

-S

---

If we're thinking along those lines, it should be called the "Who-want's-to-date-Sirius Thingy" since that's all he seems to see it as. And as the creator of this Advice Thingy, I'm rather insulted that he's turning it into that.

- J

---

Co-creator you mean. I do agree with you though.

- M

---

Hey, I bring _class_ to this Thingy. You're people would be nothing without me! Nothing I tell you!

- S

---

Class? More like...unmentionable themes that shouldn't be discussed anywhere near First Years, Or Second Years for that matter. You've perverted this fine Thingy

- J

---

Well at least I've never fallen in love with a lesbian.

- S

---

Actually, that girl you met during the summer break, a few years ago, Wendy...

- J

---

What? No, you don't mean...

- S

---

Yep. I saw her hooking up with another girl behind the bar.

- J

---

Maybe she was just...

- S

---

You don't want to know where her hands were.

- J

---

Actually....

-S

---

Great, we've reached an even further level of disturbing. And I thought I'd never live to see the day.

- J

---

Honestly Sirius, you shouldn't go around objectifying women. If Lily hears of this I'm sure she'd put you out of action for quite a while.

- M

---

Good thing she's in Manchester then, eh?

- S

---

If Miss Evans hears of what?

- Professor McGonagall

---

Saved by McGonagall, who'd have thought it?

- J

---

Oh! Professor, back so soon?

- S

---

Hmm, you know, the students I was sent to deal with told me the strangest thing.

- Professor McGonagall

---

Oh, really...

- S

---

Yes, they were under the impression that a group of Gryffindor boys had _told_ them to fill the Great Hall with green slime, do you know who the Gryffindor boys mentioned were, Mr Black?

- Professor McGonagall

---

No, not at all Professor.

-S

---

Oh crap. This isn't going to be good.

- J

---

Why, yourself, Mr, Potter, Mr Pettigrew and Mr Lupin. Fancy that.

- Professor McGonagall

---

That's the last time I let Sirius think of the pranks.

- J

---

Those two-faced little sons of—

- S

---

Please, Mr Black. I think-- where _is_ Mr Snape?

- Professor McGonagall

---

Um...gee it's awfully dark in here.

- J

---

Why is there a lamp post in my office when muggle electrical items clearly don't function on school grounds?

- McGonagall

---

Crap, I should've thought of that

- S

---

Yes, you should have. Further evidence why you shouldn't be in charge of anything thinking. You're incapable.

- J

---

I would just like to say, I was against it from the start.

- M

---

Of course, Mr Lupin, I wouldn't expect any less of you.

- Professor McGonagall

---

Hey! How come you believe _him_!

-S

---

Prefect badge.

- J

---

Because, unlike others, Mr. Lupin has at least some sense of responsibility. I admit though, that he has poor choice in company.

- Professor McGonagall

---

Thankyou Professor, I knew you would understand.

- M

---

What about me? Do you think I condoned this?...wait, don't answer that...

- J

---

You're quite welcome Mr Lupin. Mr Potter, I know very well to what extent you "condoned" this. Now, if you please, return Mr. Snape to his original form. You know we take the misuse of Transfiguration very seriously at this school.

- McGonagall

---

Yeah James, geez.

-S

---

_Fine._

- J

---

I know James, you should be ashamed.

- M

---

Traitors.

- J

---

P-p-professor! Did you see! I - ma- grrr!

- Snape

---

I liked him better as a lamp post.

-P

---

Calm down Mr Snape. I'm well aware of what they did to you while I was gone. And look at these notes. Full of spelling mistakes and smudges. I would have been better off asking trolls to write them.

- McGonagall

---

Why didn't you?

- S

---

It looks like ordinary punishment isn't enough. You will all have to report to Professor Kettleburn tomorrow night and for the next two weeks to receive your new punishment. And it looks like I'll have to duplicate these notes with magic, the old fashioned way.

- McGonagall

---

Serves you all right –

- Snape

---

You too Mr Snape.

- McGonagall

---

What? That's not fair? I was a bloomin' lamp post!

- Snape

---

James, Sirius, Peter, next time you should be more responsible, then you wouldn't end up in these situations.

- M

---

And you Mr. Lupin.

- McGonagall

---

Ha, bad luck goody two shoes.

- S

---

But, Professor!

- M

---

No buts. I expect all five of you to report to your detention. If you do not behave I shall be forced to take drastic measures.

- McGonagall

---

At this rate, we'll never get out of detention

- J

---

Gosh James, it's all your fault.

- S

---

Don't start with me, Black!

- J

---

I like cheese!

- P

* * *

_Dear Delinquents,_

_Your continued misbehaviour has caused the five of you to reach a new level of punishment, what I like to call the third level. Never before in my years have I met students so determined to break the rules, even in detention. As a result, I have no option but to leave you all in the stern care of Professor Kettleburn, whom you shall all assist in his nightly duties for the next two weeks. I expect the best behaviour from you all, that means you, Mr Black, and if I hear of otherwise, I'm afraid that the most drastic steps imaginable must be taken. I will not tolerate trouble-makers such as yourselves under my watch. So straighten up and fly right, or you shall seriously regret testing me. _

_Professor McGonagall_

---

**Hey there!**

I have a bit of a problem...  
Okay, so I have a HUGE problem!  
Every where I go, I'm stalked by an annoying black dog, Sirius keeps asking me out, I think there's a werewolf in the forest and I have my own little um..."furry little problem" that I'm scared to admit! That and for some reason, my bed covers keep disappearing!  
I think I'm going insane!  
Do you have any advice? Anything at all?

- The Walking Taking Breakdown

P.S. NO SIRIUS! I will NOT go make out in a closet, so stop ASKING!

---

Well, that's certainly a lot of problems you have there. As for your furry little problem, I would just like to assure you that having a badly behaved rabbit is nothing to be ashamed of. Not in the least. Not much can be done about Sirius I'm afraid; he's annoyingly stubborn, unless anyone else has any suggestions?

- M

---

How about you just agree to go out with me? I'm sure that'd work like a charm.

- S

---

Are you sure you could fit her in, with the other twelve girls you're supposed to meet this week?

- J

---

There's always room for one more.

- S

---

Thirteen? A baker's dozen?...somehow you just don't surprise me anymore

- J

---

Come on, Jamsie, you're just jealous. I get to "date" dozens of girls each week, while you're stuck with the same old one every time, and she hasn't even been here for a month. You much be suffering withdrawal symptoms. Admit it; you'd give anything to be in my dashing shoes

- S

---

Well...since Lily isn't here and can't possibly find out...I'll admit it, I'm jealous. Yes, I wish I could be a selfish man-whore like you. Of course I would. What man can honestly say they wouldn't? But that doesn't mean you need to flaunt it in front of me all the time. And you can't repeat this to Lily EVER.

- J

---

What? I thought you liked having only Lily. You keep saying how disgusting it is the way Sirius treats the girls.

- P

---

Give me a break Pete, it's been a month since she left. I'm only human!

- J

---

Yes, James. I shall repeat my sentiments of the utter shame that I feel towards you now. All lies James, all lies. You've passed over to the dark side. There's no return from where you've gone. Dealt with the devil you have. Oh my old friend James, whatever happened to him?

- M

---

For Merlin sake Moony, A MONTH! I've gone from "dating" lily every day to nothing, for a whole damn month. She's cut me off "cold turkey", as I believe the expression is. It's intolerable! Anyone else in my situation would've cheated by now, but no, I'm the good guy. I'm always the bloody good guy. When do _I_ get to bend the rules a bit, huh? You can't possibly understand what I'm going through. From where I'm standing, Sirius is living like a king, a wonderfully sexed-up king. Lucky bugger.

- J

---

Finally someone acknowledges my genius. I knew you would see the light, Jamsie ol' pal.

- S

---

Oh James, poor poor James. Whatever happened to the Golden Rule? The one that went "never listen to Sirius"? I'd never have thought I'd see the day where one of my most trusted companions would break that sacred law.

- M

---

Well, things have changed. Suffering tends to do that to people. Not that you'd know anything about that.

- J

---

I shake my head at you. Oh, and by the way, what _is_ that screaming sound?

- M

---

Oh, you were late so you wouldn't know, it's just Snape. I think he's having a bit _too_ much fun with the snufflers.

- S

---

Sirius locked him in the cage with them.

- P

---

Those things are great. I sure hope Snape doesn't have any gallons on him. They'll eat right through anything to get to gold.

- J

---

Oh, I see, and what did Kettleburn have to say about this? Actually, don't answer that, I'd rather not know what enclosure you locked _him_ in.

- M

---

Who us? Moony! How could you accuse us of such a thing?

- S

---

You've got it all wrong, Moony. Kettleburn is out in the Forbidden Forest, Phoenix Watching.

- J

---

Phoenix watching? I wonder who convinced him that _that_ was a good idea...

-M

---

All my idea.

- J

---

Are there actually any phoenix's out there?

- P

---

I dunno. Could be. It's one big forest.

- J

---

That was quite a brilliant plan. Couldn't have thought of a better one myself.

- S

---

I know. That's because I'm the one who thinks up all the good ideas. I'm the ideas man. You're just the muscle.

- J

---

Right. OK. If anyone asks, I didn't know anything about all this.

- M

---

Well, that's what we intended, I mean, we wouldn't get away with nearly as much if McGonagall revoked your status as Prefect. And what are you taking about James? I thought we'd agreed that I'm an absolute genius?

- S

---

Um...yeah, right...sure, whatever you say...I mean, you _are_ smart...in some ways, it's just...you're not very good, strategy wise...unless it involves getting into someone's pants. In that situation you're unmatched.

- J

---

What are you talking about? My strategies are brilliant! And always end with me in a broom closet, as all good strategies should.

-S

---

I think you might find some people disagree with that Sirius.

- M

---

Yeah, I prefer strategies that end up in the kitchen...

-P

---

The broom closet is only good when you're there for a "date". Otherwise it's tacky, stuffy and a damn awful place to hide. I mean, all good hiding places need an escape route. The closet has only one entrance. It's strategically a nightmare. Which is why you're hopeless at planning.

- J

---

...but _still_...

-S

---

Well, this is all jolly well, but I think we should be addressing the question. It seems to me that this poor person is facing much adversity. So, let's try giving some actual advice? Just to shake things up a bit, you know?

- M

---

Perhaps you're right, since we haven't actually answered anyone's question for this issue yet.

- J

---

Fine. 1. Give the dog a steak. 2. Just say yes. 3. That's almost as ridiculous as their being a flock of fornicating Phoenixes in the forest. 4. Join a support group or something. 5. Just steal James', that's what I always do. 6. You probably are.

-S

---

That's not really that helpful Sirius.

- M

---

Sure it is, I'm always helpful.

- S

---

Ok, ignore Sirius. Here's MY superior advice: 1. Always keep a jar of fleas wherever you go. And when you come across the dog, just take out the jar and threaten to infect him. I assure you the dog will be gone faster than you can say "what a peculiar looking mutt". 2. The flee thing should work in this situation too. 3. I agree with Sirius here. There's more likely to be were-rabbits and were-cats. Werewolves tend to prefer more open forests. Ours is too dense. 4. Find some people you really trust and let them know. Or go tell Moony. He's an expert in "furry problems". 5. Don't steal mine. I've cursed them to be really itchy whenever they leave my bed. There's a secret supply closet on the fifth floor. Take a bundle from there and always keep extra covers in your trunk just in case. 6. Well, you could be insane. But it's probably best if you see a Healer and have them diagnose you before you panic.

- J

---

I agree with James. He seems know a lot about stuff.

- P

---

I too agree with James, Or, I would, if I could get over the fact that we've actually managed to give some helpful advice for once…

- M

---

Well, I agree with Sirius, he's better looking than James.

- S

---

Sirius, we all know that's you. You signed with your own name. Idiot

- J

---

Doesn't change the fact that's it's true.

- S

---

It is not. When have you ever given a piece of actual helpful advice? Huh? Mine is ALWAYS helpful. But I guess that's because I'm the _only_ one who takes the advice thingy seriously.

- J

---

But I AM better looking.

- S

---

That's irrelevant. And debatable.

- J

---

And true.

-S

---

Sirius, not every discussion has to be about how good looking you fancy yourself to be.

-M

---

Exactly! And it's _not_ true, Sirius. You're just so self-absorbed, you haven't noticed anyone else.

- J

---

You say that, yet I'm the one with all the girls.

- S

---

The only reason they all go to you and not me is because I'm not available. Ask Lily. That's what she and all her friends said. You're just lucky I'm staying faithful to my GIRLFRIEND (because _I_ actually have one), otherwise, you'd have some competition there, Sirius.

- J

---

You just keep telling yourself that James, if that's what helps you sleep at night

– S

---

You don't believe me? Well, how about we sort this out like men…

- J

---

You're not going to fight to the death again, are you?

- P

---

With another poll!

- J

---

A poll? You're on, Jamsie. We'll see that I'll be triumphant again.

- S

---

Really. You two are ridiculous. Utterly insufferable. I know how McGonagall must feel, and I have to say, I have the deepest sympathy for her. I may even send her a condolence card.

- M

---

Send her some of your chocolate too. That's what I always do when I want to say sorry, send them your chocolate.

- P

---

Thanks for the suggestion Pete, but all the same, I think I'll keep the chocolate.

- M

---

Yeah, a Poll.

- J

---

You're Poll-on.

- S

---

You're going to Poll-ing loose.

- J

---

Oh yeah, well we'll see whose more Poll-tasticlar.

- S

---

I'll show you, Poll-er.

- J

---

Poll you, you Poll-ing Poll.

- S

---

I hope you Poll-ing Poll and Poll in a Poll-ing ditch.

- J

---

Oh yeah? Go Poll yourself in the Poll you Poll of a Poll-ing Poll-er.

- S

---

My head hurts. Moony, help me!

- P

---

Please, this is getting ridiculous, not that it wasn't before.

- M

---

Oh, Poll off Moony.

-S

---

Well, I heard you Poll-ing Poll-ed the other day like a Poll, and now you're just one big, Poll-ing Poll. You Poll.

- J

---

Honestly, you two.

- M

---

Stop Poll-ing in, Moony. This is between me and the Poll.

- J

---

This is getting way out of hand. Maybe we should lock you two in the snuffler cage as well.

- M

---

Like there'd be any room in there with Snape and his Poll-ing big nose.

- S

---

At least isn't not as Poll-ing as you and your polygamous ways.

- J

---

It's not polygamy. I'm not in a "relationship" with any of there girls. It's all a fling, a bit of fun. Weren't you saying before how you'd love to be in my shoes?

- S

---

...well, yes...but…

- J

---

Then why the arguing? I'm sure I could convince one of the girls to go with you instead. I could help you out here.

- S

---

Ah, yes. James' shameful turn to the dark side.

- M

---

Considering it and actually cheating on Lily are two entirely different things Sirius. I could _never_ actually do it. I might like too, but it's impossible. I have too many morals to treat girls like pieces of meat…and Lily would kill me.

- J

---

Ha, you just don't want to admit that you'd never be able to pull off my bachelor man-whore lifestyle, because you're not half as sexy as I am.

- S

---

Oh yeah, well, I think the poll will decide that, don't you?

- J

---

Please don't let them start with the poll again.

- P

---

Yes. Silence fiends.

– M

---

But –

- J

---

Ah! No. Quiet. You two shouldn't be allowed to speak. You've caused enough havoc for one lifetime.

- M

---

But Moony –

- S

---

You too! Shoosh. We shall all just listen to the relaxing sounds of the night.

- M

---

-distant screaming-

---

Oh yes, I'd forgotten about Snape. Has he been screaming all this time? It's a wonder he hasn't lost his voice...

- M

---

Do you think the noise will attract anyone?

- J

---

Let's bloomin' hope not - Professor, how lovely to see you!

- S

---

Mr Black, please tell me that this is a hallucination of some sort, and I am not seeing what I think I'm seeing.

- Professor McGonagall

---

Well, okay then, this is all a halluca—

- S

---

I didn't mean that literally.

- McGonagall

---

Ah, I see.

- S

---

Well, maybe you should be more clear Professor.

- J

---

Fine, I shall be clear. I have just now discovered Mr. Snape in the Snuffler enclosure and who knows _where_ Professor Kettleburn is. This is the third time I have discovered you shamelessly breaking important school rules during a detention. Do you understand the seriousness of the situation?

- McGonagall

---

Professor, please, let me explain.

- M

---

Yay! Moony's going to save us!

- P

---

I had nothing to do with this; I've been diligently cleaning the enclosures as required of me. I had no idea of the predicament poor Professor Kettleburn and my fellow classmate were in. I assure you, if I had known I would have come to inform you immediately.

- M

---

Or not...

-P

---

Traitor...

-S

---

Prat...

- J

---

Minerva, what's going on here? What's all the commotion?

- Professor Kettleburn

---

Professor Kettleburn, it's good to see that you haven't come to any harm. Do you have any idea what has occurred tonight? I would expect a respected staff member as yourself to keep a closer watch on such notorious trouble-makers as these.

- McGonagall

---

I'm sorry Minerva, but James was kind enough to inform me of the feeding flock of Phoenix in the Forbidden Forest that only come out during the half moon. I know I was supposed to be supervising, but I couldn't resist. And he was right. Such a marvellous sight. It's a shame they all couldn't see it.

- Professor Kettleburn

---

There were actually Phoenix...I mean, of course there were. I'm just disappointed I missed it. -cough-

- J

---

That was lucky.

- P

---

Hmm... I suppose I can't really punish them for that... but what of Mr. Snape? How did he come to be in the snuffler enclosure?

- McGonagall

---

Oh that, he loves those snufflers, y'know? Must've just accidentally locked the gate behind him is all.

-S

---

It's true. Such a clumsy one, that Snape.

- J

---

Yeah, can't really blame him though, probably can't see a thing past that giant nose of his.

- S

---

Then why didn't you let him out when you heard the screaming?

- McGonagall

---

What screaming? He was screaming?

- J

---

Haven't heard a thing all night, except for the sounds of our obedient cleaning.

- S

---

Yes... cleaning...

- P

---

Ah, it seems to me this was all just a misunderstanding, Professor.

- M

---

Yes, quite. Really, Minerva, It's quite all right. I have everything under control

- Professor Kettleburn

---

Hmm, I suppose I can't really blame you for anything more than selective hearing. But I don't quite trust your story. So there'll have to be consequences.

- McGonagall

---

Are you bloomin' serious?

- S

---

I swear you must like punishing us

- J

---

And not in the fun way.

- S

---

Sirius, shut up!

- J

---

Sirius, that .. Just no. A whole _new_ level of disturbing.

-M

---

That's got to be the third new one this week. He's on a roll. Someone stun him before he does it again.

- J

---

Mr Black...I'm...I'm speechless. Just for that you five shall all be upgraded to a months' detention, this time with Filch. Perhaps he can finally fear some discipline and self-control into you all.

- McGonagall

---

-_distantly_- You've got to be F…ing kidding me!

- Snape

---

That's entirely unfair. You can't!

- J

---

Oh, but Mr Potter, I think you'll find that I can, and I will. Report to Mr Filch's office tomorrow night right after dinner. I've had just about enough of your antics. It's time for drastic measures. I've warned you. And now you must face the consequences.

- McGonagall

---

Thanks _a lot_ Sirius.

- J

---

Hehe, sorry guys. Who knew she couldn't take a joke...stop glaring at me like that...I said stop!

- S

---

I _will_ kill you Sirius. Know that.

- M

---

Hehe, funny Moony, funny. That's... that's real... real... funny... ... help me!

-S

* * *

_Mr Filch,_

_I am leaving these students in your charge for detention, that fact alone should be enough to let you know just how serious their transgressions are. I'm sure you are familiar with the students in question; I understand you have had incidents with them in the past. However, I must impress upon you the importance of keeping your punishment within reason. To be certain that there are no misunderstandings I shall now include a list of punishments that I do _not_ consider to be within reason:_

•_Locking them in the dungeons for several days without food or water_

•_Beating them about the head with sharp (or blunt) implements_

•_The rack_

•_Chinese water torture_

•_Hanging them upside down from the Astronomy tower windows_

•_Using them as dart boards_

•_Any and all forms of capital __punishment, including hanging, decapitation, drowning, burning and/or crucifixion_

_I thank you for your consideration of this letter and hope that you will justly and _appropriately_ deal with these troublesome juvenile delinquents._

_Best of luck,_

_Professor McGonagall_

---

**Hi-ya **

**Can you please ask a certain greasy haired git out for me please? Don't bite my hand off. **

**RAINBOWBEE**

---

Oww, why does every part of my body have to ache? Filch took this _way_ too far.

- J

---

_Sooo_ hungry…

- P

---

I'm not. You should've eaten dinner.

- S

---

He told us not too

- P

---

Since _when_ do you listen to Filch?

- S

---

He scares me.

- P

---

This is all your fault, you moronic twats.

- Snape

---

This _is_ going a bit far, I wouldn't have thought Professor McGonagall would approve. I'm surprised she didn't tell Filch how to punish us, I mean, she could have at least written a letter telling him not to _torture_ us. I suppose Sirius made her far more angry than I thought with that comment yesterday.

- M

---

She's just annoyed 'cos she wanted it.

- S

---

No. You, just stop talking. It was your talking that got us into this in the first place.

- M

---

And you really shouldn't be hitting on her. Firstly, she's at least twice your age, secondly, it's not appropriate, and thirdly, it's just damn creepy. She has to be older than your mother. You can't seriously think of McGonagall that way.

- J

---

Nah, it's just a joke. I don't know why, but I love making those wrinkled cheeks blush in embarrassment. It's hilarious!

- S

---

That's one sick joke.

- J

---

She looked really angry.

- P

---

Yeah, I'm not sure her cheeks were going red from _embarrassment_* so much as sheer fury.

- M

---

You shouldn't toy with people like that Sirius. It's not funny. Not at all. And, I mean, geez, it's _McGonagall_. She's your damn teacher! Snape's right, you are a moron.

– J

---

Ok, ok, calm down. Fine, I _won't_ do it again. Merlin, the way you're all acting you'd think I'd killed someone for fun or something.

- S

---

Well, we're being treated as if you have, so at this point, I don't really see the difference.

- J

---

Who the hell chains people to dungeon walls? And leaves so much delicious, sweet food there for them right where we can't get it. It's _evil_ I say!

- P

---

James has a point; I'm starting to think that Filch actually does plan on murder, or at least attempted murder. So, Sirius, you see, you haven't killed anyone _yet_, with an emphasis on the "yet".

- M

---

He wouldn't _kill_ us, I mean I'm sure he'll let us out soon. Well, maybe not _soon_, but at least before we die of starvation.

- S

---

Sure. Because Filch is the very definition of compassion. Don't lie to yourself. He's probably watching us though some secret window and laughing giddily over his triumph. The sick bastard. I hope Mrs Norris bites him and gives him rabies.

- J

---

You're not the only one, I assure you.

- M

---

Just remember, if I die first, I'm going to come back and haunt all of you for this. _I_ didn't do anything to get stuck here. It's all your fault. I couldn't hate you any more than I do right now.

- Snape

---

If you die first we'll eat you for survival... actually no, we might get food poisoning.

- S

---

Grrr…

- Snape

---

And, I don't like oily food.

- S

---

Ok, maybe we should pass the time by doing something constructive. Did you bring the Advice Thingy, Moony?

- J

---

Not that piece of trash. That "thingy" is the most pathetic thing I've ever read in my life. A child could write something better.

- Snape

---

Ah, but you _have_ read it. Now, where is it Moony?

- J

---

It's right here, I do remember that tediously long speech you gave me James, since then I've kept the Thingy on my person at all times. As I recall you spoke quite lengthily on the evils of leaving the Thingy unguarded, especially with the likes of Sirius around.

- M

---

Exactly. I'm glad you've learned. I'm so proud of you, Moony. Good work.

- J

---

That was a really loooong speech. And there were too many big words. I got confused after five minutes and fell asleep.

- P

---

Hey! What about me? When did this happen?

- S

---

Well, you were on a "date" and Peter and I were speculating as to what would happen if _you_ were to get a hold of the Advice Thingy and then subsequently destroy the innocence of all the First Years in the school, when James suddenly ran over to us, having overheard our conversation, and gave us an unnecessarily long talk on how that was never ever ever _ever_ allowed to happen and we were to guard the Advice Thingy with our very lives from then on. Then Peter nearly lost it, so the duty fell to myself.

- M

---

Who me? I don't know _what_ could have made you think that _I_ would go around destroying anyone's innocence, let alone the poor little First Years'. I'm shocked at your cruel accusations; I thought you people were my friends.

- S

---

Let it go Sirius. Considering that Moony was wise enough to listen to my instruction, and we have the Advice Thingy with us, how about we just address the question, ok?

- J

---

Oh yeah, that.

- S

---

Ok, so let's see, what is this question...oh Merlin, this is...this is...blasphemy!

- J

---

What? What's the question...gah! The world is ending!

- P

---

Not really. Statistically speaking, it's not surprising that there's at least _one_ person who fancies Snape.

- M

---

It's not surprising, it's UNSPEAKABLE!

- S

---

What? What did you people say? Speak up. I can't hear you properly from all the way over here.

- Snape

---

Well, Snape, looks like you're in luck. Someone _actually_ fancies _you_. As impossible as it may seem.

- J

---

Not to mention disgusting.

- P

---

That's right, as wholly, absolutely, utterly, completely and totally impossible as it is; there is in fact one person on this planet who is crazy enough to want to ask you out.

- S

---

...

- Snape

---

I believe he is speechless. So are we.

- J

---

I hope he dies of the shock.

- S

---

This....is this serious? This isn't some kind of sick joke you prats concocted to embarrass me, is it?

- Snape

---

I wish. It would've been a spectacular prank.

- S

---

If it is, then we aren't responsible for orchestrating it. We are merely acting out of dedication to our questioners. So, what is your answer? Do you agree to go out with Rainbowbee?

- M

---

...who is this person?

- Snape

---

Does it matter? Someone wants to date _you_. If I were you, I'd take it regardless of who it is. It could be the only date you're ever going to get.

- S

---

Wow, I think he's too shocked to even reply to insult. That greasy git....see, it works. He's like a zombie.

- P

---

Actually, the question doesn't explicitly mention Snape.

- M

---

How many greasy haired gits _are_ there Remus? Who else could it be?

- S

---

Well, I know of several gits, yourself included of course, and there are a few people whose hair could probably do with a wash or two, for all we know, Rainbowbee could have meant any of them.

- M

---

But, it's pretty obvious that it's Snivellus. Unless Snape has a nicer, more attractive twin who also happens to suffer from bad hair.

- J

---

I'm just _saying_, no specific names are mentioned, so it could be anybody. Well, I admit, it does specify to some degree with the description of a…"greasy haired git", but, everything is relative. Rainbowbee's idea of a greasy haired git may well be different to yours, or mine for that matter. In the same way that Sirius' idea of a date is different to many others'.

- M

---

Well, to be fair, this person, assumably a female, is a reader, correct? And who are we talking about _every time_ we say "greasy haired git"? Huh? By that reasoning, she MUST mean Snape. I mean, why use that phrasing if we're not going to know who she's talking about?

- J

---

He's got you there, Remus.

- P

---

Maybe, from her perception, it's obvious that it is this supposed other person. Just as it is obvious from yours that it's Snape. As I said before, everything is relative.

- M

---

Well, in the event that she _is_ talking about Snape, (which we probably should assume seeing as at this point we have no way of finding any alternative) how about we ask dear old Snape here what he thinks, seeing as he's the only "greasy haired git" available right now.

- J

---

He hasn't said anything for a few minutes. I think he's broken.

- P

---

Great, we can trade him in for someone more pleasant.

- S

---

I'm not broken, you imbeciles.

- Snape

---

Then what?

- P

---

I'm just thinking. A concept that must be foreign to the lot of you.

- Snape

---

Snape? Thinking? Well, this day sure is _full_ of surprises.

-S

---

Why does he say such hurtful, and completely untrue things, when we're trying to help him? Ungrateful git.

- J

---

Don't forget the "greasy haired" part.

- P

---

Before you attempt, and fail, to insult us any further, why don't you address the question at hand, rather than gawk like a shocked headless chicken and mumble unintelligibly. Anyone would think you've never been asked out before. Not such an unbelievable thing considering who I'm talking to.

- J

---

I bet he really _hasn't_ been out on a date before. _Bilmey_, this is huge. Even _Peter's_ had a girlfriend. Haha, this is the funniest thing I've heard all day.

- S

---

I've _still_ _got_ a girlfriend, thank-you-very-much, Sirius.

- P

---

Please, we're trying to help a questioner here. Fine, I accept you logic (however questionable it may be), assuming the "greasy haired git" in question _is_ Snape, then can we please get on with actually doing what the questioner asked of us, and try perhaps inciting Snape to answer the request?

- M

---

That's what we're _doing_ Moony.

- S

---

I meant in a more civil manner.

- M

---

Sorry, can't do that. Snivellus would go into shock all over again. It might kill him. What do you take us for Moony?

- S

---

Come on Snape. If you say something, I'll try and kick that plate of chicken over to you. I promise. Marauder's Honour (Civil enough Moony?)

- J

---

I suppose so, relatively of course.

- M

---

Honour? What honour?

- Snape

---

We have honour...like that time we...um...wait, I've got one. Like that time I promised Lily that the guys wouldn't sneak into her dorm anymore. I changed all the locks and secret passage-way passwords, and tied up Sirius and left him gagged under his bed for like, two days. See, honourable.

- J

---

Not really, I could hardly breathe.

- S

---

You say that like it's a bad thing...

- Snape

---

Honourable for Lily's sake. Not yours, Sirius. And besides, I probably saved at least five girls from having "relations outside marriage". Some people would call that honourable. See, you can trust me Snape. Just answer the question. I promise not to laugh or make fun of you anymore.

- J

---

You've been spending wayyy too much time with Lily. She's made you...nice...it's scary...

- P

---

Shut up, I've always been nice. It's just now I'm being nice to my enemies...or rather, the people who currently hate me and are being propositioned by a mysterious girl through the advice thingy. Point is: Me = Nice. End of story.

- J

---

I can't believe I'm saying this, but Pete's right. (Besides, it's not like any of them were _married_ or anything...)

- S

---

Yay! I'm right!

- P

---

Stop ganging up on me and help me get Snape talking. (And you try telling that to those muggle religious fanatics that mugged us last summer for walking past that muggle strip club. I mean we were _walking past_! Not going in. At least, not after they mugged us we weren't.)

- J

---

Nice? I doubt you could even comprehend the word, let alone encapsulate it. -- Oh wait; am I using too many syllables for you?

- Snape

---

Don't try and patronise the only person here who doesn't completely hate you right now. That's a pretty stupid move. And you know full well how nice I can be, or have you forgotten what happened _that night_?

- J

---

What are you talking ab - oh, I remember that.

- P

---

You mean the time you and your friends tried to _kill_ me? Oh yes, I'd nearly forgotten. That _was_ very nice of you.

- Snape

---

No, I mean the time you almost got yourself killed though your own stupidity, and _I_ saved you out of the kindness of my bloody heart. You ungrateful twat.

- J

---

Oh yes, because feeding me to your pet _monster_ is such a kind thing to do.

- Snape

---

How dar-- you have some nerve, Snape.

- J

---

It's not like I _meant_ to do anything... I mean... I wasn't myself... and...

-M

---

We didn't feed you. You followed us. And besides, it's Sirius' fault. He was the one who made you follow.

- P

---

I didn't mean for him to get any further than the willow, I mean, he bloody deserves a good whomping.

-S

---

Still your fault. Now he doesn't trust us and he's being entirely unco-operative and we're never going to get this question done. Not to mention it was a low, so very low thing to try and do. You know the danger. You shouldn't have even brought him outside the castle. I'm sure Moony would agree with me in saying that no one deserves that kind of risk. _No one._

- J

---

Finally someone is _thinking_. Now you know why I resent you all. Other than the whole making-my-life-a-living-hell thing.

- Snape

---

He didn't mean risking _you_, now shut up you git, you're upsetting Moony.

-S

---

How tragic.

- Snape

---

Just answer the bloody question, Merlin, I don't know what anyone could see in _you_.

- S

---

Stop antagonising him Sirius. This isn't the time. And even Snape isn't worth risking like you did that night. He has every reason to hate you. I'm just annoyed that he can't see what I did for him. But that's not important right now. What's important is getting this damned question done. Don't ask why, it's just important. The Advice Thingy must triumph!

- J

---

I'm not going to say anything unless Black apologises.

- Snape

---

What?

- J

---

That's stupid.

- S

---

I don't really care if he means it. I just want the satisfaction of his embarrassment, forever immortalised in your..."Advice Thingy", for all the school to see.

- Snape

---

Fair enough. Do it Sirius.

- J

---

Hey, what do you mean "fair enough"? You can't just agree for me? ... Don't look at me like that... _Fine_. Look, guys, I'm sorry about that night and about the fact that you now have to put up with this bloody twit all the time. And Snivellus, I'm sorry you're such a bloody twit. Good enough for you?

- S

---

Sirius, this is serious. Do it properly or I will kick you. Don't think I can't. I'm well within range.

- J

---

_Fine_! Fine. Okay? Fine. I really _am_ sorry you know, I didn't mean for it to all turn out like that. I mean, it's not like I wouldn't throw a party is Snape _did_ get killed, just... not like that. So, yeah. Sorry… (Oh, and James, if you could reach all the way over to _me_, then why the _hell_ didn't you try and kick the FOOD a little closer???)

- S

---

Is that good enough for you, Severus?

- J

---

I _guess_ that's the best apology he's ever going to manage with that tiny brain of his. Fine.

- Snape

---

Why you –

- S

---

Shut up Sirius. You deserve it (and quite frankly I don't think you _deserve_ any food right now).

- J

---

So, Snape, you'll answer the question now? I don't think the suspense would be having such a positive effect on poor Rainbowbee.

- M

---

I - I'm still wary of this whole situation, but if it is genuine.........I guess it _couldn't_ hurt...but if I find out that this is one of your pranks, so help me –

- Snape

---

We get it. I promise you _if_ it is a prank, it's not one of ours. It seems genuine. And I wish you the best of luck. And stop gawking Sirius. Someone needed to take the moral high-road here.

- J

---

What on _earth_ is going on here?

- McGonagall

---

Professor! You came to save us!

- P

---

McGonagall, I think I can honestly say I've never been happier to see you, than I am at this moment.

- J

---

_Where_ is Mr Filch? I explicitly told him... Filch! Filch! Get over here this _instant_!

- McGonagall

---

Problem Professor?

- Filch

---

I specifically _told_ you _not_ to chain them up in the dungeons. What do you think this is?

- McGonagall

---

You said not to chain them up with _no food or water_ in the dungeons. As you can see, I've provided them with food and water.

- Filch

---

But, it's so far _away_…

- P

---

Beyond their reach! And I did not imagine you would stoop to such a level as to seek a loop-hole in my instructions. You _cannot_ chain up students. That's a rule!

- McGonagall

---

Well, it's not technically in the staff code...

- Filch

---

It's _implied_, for Merlin sake! We haven't used this kind of punishment since the 1700's. It's outdated and cruel, even for these students.

- McGonagall

---

Thank you Professor. He wouldn't listen when we told him so!

- J

---

And these handcuffs are a bit too tight...

- M

---

I can't feel my fingers!

- P

---

They're supposed to become looser as you steadily become more malnourished.

- Filch

---

Oh, well, in _that_ case...

- M

---

This is inexcusable. –_Alohamora-_ Students, you are all free to go back to your dorms. I apologise for this heinous abuse of authority. You are also excused form any further detention, and have 50 points each for your houses. Now off you go and get some food. Poor dears. As for _you_, Mr. Filch...

- McGonagall

---

Finally, freedom!

- J

---

Finally! Food!

-S

---

My precious fingers!

- P

---

Finally, I can move my arms!

- M

---

About bloody time.

- Snape

---

Ah, so Snape, looking forward to your date?

- J

---

Don't think that this means we're _friends_ now or anything, Potter. I still hate you all. I'm leaving now and I hope to never have to speak with any of you again.

- Snape

---

Finally, something we agree on.

- S

---

Well, he's not going to make any friends with _his_ attitude, that's for sure

- P

---

Oh well, at least I tried. I guess he's just too stubborn.

- J

---

I'm sure Lily would be proud.

- P

---

Well, we managed to answer the question, after overcoming many obstacles (not the least of which was Snape himself), and we can proudly say that we are indeed dedicated to this here Advice Thingy. Until next time, _au rivoir_.

- M

---

Geez Moony, there's no need to be all _French_ about it.

- S

* * *

_A/N: Wow, that was a long chapter (seriously, like 80 pages), but I'd like to think it kind of makes up for the 6 month absence. Sorry about that, btw. This is the last time I will have to blame school for interrupting the Advice Thingy, as I am officially finished with school. Yep, I'm all graduated now. All I have to do is wait for my results…But sadly the same thing cannot be said for my co-writer. At least she's finished for the year, so we both have time now to dedicate to this wonderful fic. We're aiming for a fortnightly update, but don't hold your breath. We'll try our best. _

_A few important things to mention. I'd like to point out that the part in this chapter referring to lesbians is by no means an attempt to offend any of you reading this. Don't get me wrong. We don't hate homosexual people. Not at all. In fact, Shoey and I both have gay friends. And we certainly don't discriminate against anything; race, religion, gender, etc, and certainly not sexuality. I hate discrimination. It's the bane of our flawed world. Unless you're a misogynist, in which case I hate you…just kidding. But I am a feminist…anyway, moving on. _

_On a lighter note, there is now a Marauders' Advice Thingy forum. It can be found here: __www . fanfiction . net/forum/The_Official_MAT_Forum/48560/ (without the spaces)_

_And in a related matter, the poll discussed by James and Sirius above is indeed legitimate. Who do you think is hotter? Well, to vote, go here: __www . fanfiction . net/topic/48560/11028200/1/__ (without the spaces) and vote in the official MAT Polls topic on our new forum. We would prefer if you voted there rather than in a review, as it's much easier, especially to quote numbers rather than count individual votes. _

_And finally, we are holding a competition. For more details, go here: __www . fanfiction . net/topic/48560/11028830/1/__ (without the spaces) to our official competitions page. _

_Ok, I've said a lot, so I think I'll leave you now and pass you on to Shoey. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and remember to keep sending in your reviews/questions/suggestions, because without them, this fic would be redundant :D_

_- Tiger_cub684_

_Well, it has been a while, hasn't it? Gosh, Tiger, you sure do write a lot. There isn't much left for me to say. We certainly don't mean to offend anyone with the contents of this fic, and if you are (offended that is), we offer our profuse apologies. We don't really have any idea as to where it's going, even when we're actually writing it, that's one of the side effects of doing next to no planning :D_

_I'd just like to state, for the record, that if we _do_ manage the proposed fortnightly update, it will be all thanks to Tiger. I am notoriously lazy and not very good at starting things let alone finishing them._

_Ah, yes, the MAT forum, it'd be lovely if you could come visit it if you feel like it, it's a lonely place at the moment. It's not _all_ about MAT (we're not _that_ egotistical, or at least, _I'm_ not, can't say about that Tiger…) so please feel free to drop by and discuss, well, pretty much whatever you want really. __You can find a link to the forum from either of our user pages (or at least, I _think_ you can…)_

_Um, yes. I don't have much else to say, so adios amigos! Thankyou for all your reviews and questions, we really appreciate them and hope you continue to enjoy this fic as much as we do :)_

_- discombobulated shoe_


	26. Chapter 26

_A/N: Chapter 26, a Lily Chapter, wherein there are secrets, scantily dressed immortal superheros, and muggle education_.

* * *

**Hello all, **

**And let me say that your Advice Thingy is extremely entertaining, particularly since it's more a thingy where you talk to one another on paper, rather then normally. What's with that, anyway?  
Moony, Remus, I have done my research like the good Ravenclaw (even though I'm a Hufflepuff) and I have found out your secret. No, I have no intentions of selling you out, but I would like you to do one thing for me. If I ask nicely, will you, shall we say, transfer? Because I think it would be really, really cool, even though you don't. I have to wonder vaguely why that is, outside the prejudice, and that's easy enough to ignore. (Advice from me to you: Move to America.)  
**

**To you four as a whole (And Lily as well, I suppose, seeing how...attached...she and James are), may I question you on how your advice column gets anywhere outside of Gryffindor Tower, seeing as I KNOW for a fact that you have never been anywhere near Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw dorms, and you, being the prejudiced people you are (SIRIUS AND JAMES) would never dream of stepping foot into Slytherin.  
**

**Well, that said, I need to go do my Care of Magical Creatures homework now, and the thestrals are expecting me, so fare thee well, and Remus, do think about my request before rejecting it outright, will you, please? **

Lots of love--especially to Remus and Peter,

Tainted Gemstone

**---**

What's with these multi-question questions? How I miss the old days where questions were simple.

- J

---

I agree whole-heartedly. Not to mention, why is everyone so interested in these supposed 'secrets' that I have?

-M

---

I know. I mean, your 'secrets' aren't half as interesting as ours. Like the one about Sirius and his....thing....yeah, I probably shouldn't tell them that one.

- J

---

Yes, I would thank you to keep quiet James. Remember, I know all your secrets too. Especially the ones you would prefer a certain Red Head not to know about

- S

---

Secrets? What secrets? Is he referring to me? I thought there were no secrets between us James Potter.

- L

---

Indeed, I can't see why no one realizes this, my secrets (if indeed there are any) aren't at all interesting compared to everyone else's, I suggest the inhabitants of Hogwarts forget about boring old me, and focus their prying attentions elsewhere.

-M

---

Yeah, some of us don't mind a bit of _prying_, eh? eh? wink wink, nudge nudge.

-S

---

Or attention.

-M

---

Yeah, like with Sirius and his secrets. They're _really_ interesting .

- P

---

Quiet you!

-S

---

Oh yes, I can think of _many_ things Sirius wouldn't want anyone to know.

-M

---

Can anyone say STD?

- J

---

One more word out of you lot and I _swear_ on my broomstick, I'll make you _pay_.

-S

---

Oh, remember that time he was in France and...fine fine, I won't tell the story. Stop glaring, Sirius.

- J

---

That's not fair! You've all got me really interested now. You _have_ to tell me what happened in France!

- L

---

No! Abso-bloody-lutely not! No-one says one word about France. Don't even mention the name France! I mean it! Not. One. Word.

– S

---

France.

- J

---

Wait, are you talking about that time in the summer holidays that year when James and his parents went to France and they invited us all along and then Sirius—

-P

---

Shut it!

-S

---

Yeah, _that_ time. And then Sirius decided we should all go to the -

- J

---

I said SHUT UP!

- S

---

I don't know what you're complaining about, that story is hardly as embarrassing as the time in Fourth Year when you—

-M

---

No, no talking about that time either. No talking about _any_ time. Shut up, all of you.

-S

---

Well, fine then. Let's just continue this story about France shall we? Where were we? Ah yes, then Sirius decided we should go to what muggles call the –

-M

---

No! Nonononononononononono! Quiet, before I put a silencing spell on you and burn all your quills! Damn! Where is my bloody wand?

-S

---

What was it Moony? "Red Tights District" or something like that?

-P

---

No, the Red _Light_ District. Although you can be forgiven for thinking of red tights. More than one of those women were wearing them...however temporarily.

- J

---

So, Sirius went into a Red Light District in France then? Was he looking for prostitutes or something? Or just strippers? Or...wait, you tell me.

- L

---

No. There will be no telling of things. None whatsoever.

-S

---

You are having far more fun than I thought you would be with this story, my Lily flower.

- J

---

What can I say? Being in Manchester made me miss you all and your antics.

- L

---

But you missed me the most, right?

- J

---

Of course.

- L

---

Hey, I have an idea! Forget France, how was Manchester? Are your relatives quite well, dearest Miss Evans? Do tell, I'm just dying to know.

-S

---

Well, my great aunt died. My relatives were pretty sad. But it was fun catching up with my muggle cousin Jessica. We went shopping and hung out with her friends and had heaps of fun. And her boyfriend had some pretty cute friends too.

- L

---

What? You were hanging out with other guys? Lily, how could you!

- J

---

Indeed? Tell me about this Jessica girl, is she as ravishing as you?

-S

---

Firstly, don't be daft James. I didn't cheat on you, you silly sod. I would _never_ cheat on you –

- L

---

....that's a relief. ...me neither. I wouldn't even consider it...not for a second….

- J

---

And secondly, Jess has a _boyfriend_. I know that doesn't mean very much to you, Sirius, but trust me, you don't want to get on Steve's bad side. He's older, taller, and burlier than you. He'd be a keen match for Kingsley, even as a muggle. And he's _very_ overprotective of Jess. So forget about her. It's for your own good.

- L

---

Wait, James, weren't you talking last week about possibly copying Sirius and -

- P

---

No. Pete. That conversation _never_ happened. I have no idea what you're talking about. I wouldn't even copy Sirius' homework let alone anything else of his. Everything about Sirius is terrible. Simply terrible.

– J

---

Hey, I'm right here mate. That kinda hurts. I'm not _all_ terrible, am I?

- S

---

Of course not Sirius, if that were so, we wouldn't even _try_ to put up with you.

-M

---

Wow, _thanks_ Moony. That _really_ makes me feel better.

-S

---

Don't be silly Sirius...You have great...hair....

- J

---

Yeah, I like Sirius' hair. Is that what you were going to copy, James? Because I wouldn't mind....not that I don't like your hair or anything.

- L

---

Are you kidding? James' hair couldn't pull off my dashing look if he sold his soul for it. But then again, James' hair couldn't really pull off _any_ look, unless you count "recently-savaged-by-wild-pixies" as a look.

-S

---

Excuse me, but my hair has the "messy-like-I-just-woke-up-and-I-don't-give-a-damn" look. I'm telling you, it's going to be really popular ten, twenty years from now. And Lily loves it.

- J

---

Yes, I do love his hair. He looks absolutely fantastic in it. And it's so soft, and wild, and....I have to touch it!

- L

---

Yeah, well, it's not a good as _mine_.

-S

---

Actually, we have gotten the results of the last imbecilic, juvenile and utterly immature vote you two had, and they dispute that last statement Sirius.

-M

---

Yes, the poll!

- J

---

You guys had another poll? I'm almost afraid to ask what it was on.

- L

---

Glad you asked, my Lily. The poll was asking the readers which one of us, out of Sirius and myself, they think is more attractive.

- J

---

……are you two really that insecure?

- L

---

Probably. And they are definitely that idiotic.

-M

---

Shhh, that's not important. What's important are the results.

- J

---

Yeah, Sirius lost! Ha!

-P

---

I did not loose! It was rigged! Four-eyes rigged it! I swear.

-S

---

And what lead you to that conclusion?

-M

---

Well, the results were utterly _stupid_ for one...

-S

---

You're just saying that because the majority of people say that I'm more attractive than you

- J

---

Well, officially, James had 66 percent of the votes, and Sirius had 33 percent. Unofficially, I had 1 vote (once again, I wasn't _in_ the vote... people continue to baffle me.)

-M

---

And there we are, I am officially more attractive than Sirius. The people have spoken.

-J

---

Yeah, well, the people are as blind as you are.

-S

---

I knew my Jamsie would win. He's the most attractive man in the world!

- L

---

Guys, she's _still_ touching his hair...it's freaking me out.

- P

---

No, you don't get to cast your vote, Evans. You're biased. It's a conflict of interest. Objection!

- S

---

Sirius has been watching far too many muggle crime and justice movies.

- P

---

Besides, all the votes have been cast already, so if Lily hasn't voted already then she can't now anyway.

-M

---

I wasn't casting a vote, I was stating fact. James is the most handsomest of all of you, as a person as well as in his looks. Which is why I'm dating _him_ and not any one of you

- L

---

Well, that was unnecessarily hostile.

-M

---

Poor Moony, with his lowly one vote, is probably feeling a bit insecure.

-S

---

As I said before, I wasn't _in_ the vote, and if anyone's insecure it's _you_ for starting the vote in the first place.

-M

---

I wasn't implying that the rest of you were ugly, not at all. You're all rather dashing, really, it's just that I like James the best. And if you ask me, Sirius' inability to hold down a single relationship for longer than a day is entirely based on his insecurities, problems with commitment stemming from his terrible childhood and quite possibly a small....tool...

- L

---

That's fair enough.

-M

---

That's quite extensive

– J

---

I'm considering a career as a mental healer, you know, like a psychologist.

- L

---

Bloody _hilarious_ Evans, I think you've been spending too much time with four-eyes here.

-S

---

I think she makes a good point.

- J

---

Of course _you_ would

- S

---

What does she mean by "tool"?

-P

---

...she's implying that his.....thing.....is small.....I'd rather not speak too bluntly here. Want to protect the First Years and all.

- J

---

I still don't get it…

- P

---

You'll just have to stay in the dark Pete. Good on you James, thinking of those poor, poor First Years.

-M

---

You know, I think I might be more outraged if this were the first time you lot tried to ruin my reputation by spreading lies about my....thing.

- S

---

Well, they're not all _entirely_ lies, as we discovered in France...

-M

---

No, we're not getting back into _that_.

-S

---

No, be fair Moony, it wasn't quite as bad as we thought...but the size isn't the issue in this story...it's the -

- J

---

Are you lot listening to me at all? Please, just drop it. Or should I remind us all of certain incriminating co-curricular activities some of us used to par-take in?

- S

---

Is he talking about me? Or that time with the gillyweed? Or that other time –

- J

---

Wow, you guys really do get up to a lot, don't you?

– L

---

If you think that's bad, you should hear about the --

-P

---

No! No more secrets. They're secrets for a reason, and we swore as Marauders that nothing would leave this group. Nothing. Under pain of death and torture, we'd keep our word.

- S

---

What goes on in France, stays in France, eh Sirius?

-M

---

Exactly. Now shut up about France, you cheeky bugger.

-S

---

Yeah, it's probably not a good idea for Moony to go around threatening to tell secrets when he has one pretty big one of his own.

- P

---

Hey hey hey, let's not get carried away here. I agree with Sirius, let us move on from all this tedious talk of secrets (which may or may not exist) and discuss something more... more... better.

-M

---

More better?

-S

---

Um, yes.

-M

---

Aren't you supposed to be the eloquent one around here?

- J

---

Yes, well, that's what talking about secrets (which, may I state for the record, in all probability _don't_ exist so _stop asking_) does to a person.

-M

---

OK, before things start getting crazy and people start getting violent, (as they usually do) how about we make sure we've answered the question?

- L

---

How about we just avoid the question entirely and forget it was ever asked? Just a suggestion.

-M

---

I meant the other parts of the question. The ones not previously discussed.

- L

---

Ah yes, in that case, do go on.

-M

---

Firstly, I just have to say, Moony, don't move to America. We need you much more here. And trust me, you wouldn't like it there (they don't believe in books).

- J

--

And I am _not_ prejudiced. I hate all Slytherins equally.

- J

---

James, I'm not an idiot, there _are_ books in America. Besides, I was never planning on moving to America in the first place.

-M

---

And why would we tell you all the secrets of how we circulate such mastery?

- S

---

It's not much of a secret really, we ask the house elves to drop off a pile in each common room when they go in to clean them.

-M

---

Well that's just not exciting at _all_. I preferred my answer; at least it had a bit of mystery about it.

-S

---

We all did, Padfoot. It's like a muggle magic trick. Once you know how it works, it's not impressive anymore. You ruined the magic Moony (but I'm glad you're staying. And I know for a fact they don't believe in books. My older cousin Justin said so.)

- J

---

There's plenty of real magic in this school, I'm sure you're the only ones who are even vaguely disappointed. (Well James, in _that_ case, I stand corrected.)

-M

---

_Everyone's_ disappointed, Moony. You've turned them all into cynics.

-S

---

Yeah, just because _you've_ lost all hope in this world doesn't mean you need to make everyone else as miserable as you. Next you'll tell them the Easter bunny isn't real, or Santa Clause. Or the Tooth Fairy. Cynic.

- J

---

Wait, they _are_ all real, right?........right?

- P

---

Answering a question honestly doesn't make me a cynic. Besides, I had no idea our means of distribution was regarded as such a wondrous mystery.

-M

---

Wasn't the question itself any indication? The fact that she even asked means that there was at least one person who was interested.

- J

---

Yes, well, maybe they were just worried that you were doing something illegal.

-M

---

Like what? Paying world-class burglars to sneak into their common rooms and leave piles of parchment? Imperius curse some first-years to do it? Become unregistered animagi and...yeah, I think I'll stop with the outrageous suggestions now.

- J

---

Well _fine_, you've made your point. I offer my profuse apologies to my fellow marauders and the inhabitants of Hogwarts for revealing the truth about the distribution of the Advice Thingy. I hope you'll all find it in your hearts to forgive me one day.

-M

---

As long as you don't turn all _American_ on us, and stay true to the wondrous Mother Britain, I'm sure we'll be able to forgive you one day.......

- J

---

_Thanks_ ever so, oh gracious James.

-M

---

Yeah, but it'll cost ya. All your chocolate. Including the secret stash you keep in the loose floor boards under your bed.

- S

---

And Sirius' firewhiskey.

- P

---

No, that's mine. We're making demands from Moony. Not me.

- S

---

Um, no. In case you hadn't noticed the hints of sarcasm I'll point them out to you now. There. You see? Hints of sarcasm. We shall not be involving my chocolate in this at all. Sirius' firewhiskey on the other hand, is another matter entirely.

-M

---

Yeah, good idea. Crack out the alcohol Padfoot. We need to celebrate Lily's homecoming!

- J

---

Oh great, you remember I'm still here.

- L

---

We would never forget you oh fair maiden! Never! But, actually, I will "crack out the alcohol". You know, I don't think I've ever seen Evans drunk. And besides, it's always amusing when Moony breaks out dancing and/or singing after his fourth bottle or so.

-S

---

Hey, what did we say about secrets? And not discussing them? You know, it's never too late to tell the story about France...

-M

---

Fine, fine. Wet-blanket. We'll not discuss the many many _many_ hilarious things you do when you're completely off your face.

-S

---

Yeah, good idea Sirius. Lily'll be smashed after only three bottles. She and Remus can have a dancing competition.

- J

---

...I guess I do need something to get over all the depression of the funeral. Sure, why not. It's your lucky day, lads, you're going to see me get thoroughly drunk.

- L

---

Finally, this'll be good. You know what they say, people who drink together, stay together.

- J

---

Sounds good to me.

- P

---

Well, I think I should just say, First Years, don't get any ideas. And if Sirius gives you a bottle of unidentified liquid and tries to convince you that it's pumpkin juice, don't drink it.

–M

---

Well, that wraps up this question, don't you think? Now, let's get shitfaced!

-S

---

Yeah!

- L

---

I've never been so proud of her than I am at this moment.

- J

---

Honestly Sirius, _think of the First Years._

-M

---

Yeah, well I'm only preparing the First Years for the future.

- S

---

Let's just end this and move on to the next question before you do anymore damage to them Sirius. Right, finishing.......now. The end.

-M

* * *

_(The Next Day…post-hangovers)_

_---_

**Marauders and Lily,**

**What is your muggle star sign and what does it say about you?**

**CalenMarwen**

---

Muggle star sign? What's that?

- P

---

It's sort of a muggle superstition based vaguely on Astronomy.

-M

---

I know about that. I had a muggle fortune teller explain it to me at a carnival once. Apparently, I'm an Aries.

- J

---

I know I'm an Aquarius. I used to scan the muggle paper for my horoscope every week when I was younger.

- L

---

Wait, I don't get it. Is it supposed to have something to do with your personality? Does that mean James is and Aries because he plays Quidditch? And Lily goes swimming a lot?

-P

---

I'm surprised you know the relation of the words Aquarius and water... I mean, it's determined by your birth date, and some people believe that yes, being of a certain star sign is related to your personality.

- L

---

Well, mostly I remember because Sirius turned my bed into an aquarium one time when I was sleeping in it...

-P

---

Oh yeah, I remember that, absolutely hilarious, if I do say so myself.

-S

---

Yes, hilarious *grumbles*

- P

---

Well, since the others seem to have no clue, and we need to answer the question, AND since you're a muggle-born and know all about these things, do you think you could tell them their star-signs, my Lily Flower?

- J

---

*sigh* if I must. And that was a very long-winded way to ask me that.

- L

---

I know mine; we covered it briefly in Muggle Studies when we did the topic on Muggle religions and superstitions. I'm a Pisces, apparently.

-M

---

I always thought there was something _fishy_ about you...

-S

---

Honestly Sirius, and you complain about _my_ jokes.

-M

---

That means you're shy...and somewhat sensitive. And secretive. Sounds about right to me.

- L

---

That's Moony to a T.

- J

---

Not to mention a know-it-all and "responsible"…and a wet-blanket.

- S

---

_That's_ exactly Moony.

- P

---

I'm not secretive, why would I be secretive? It's not like I have any secrets or anything.. haha... not at all...

-M

---

Smooth Remus, smooth.

-S

---

_Anyway_, Sirius would be a Sagittarius

- L

---

What's that mean? He's a centaur?

- J

---

Brilliant! I bet a Sagittarius could kick an Aries' arse any day.

-S

---

Sirius, I don't think that's what star signs are all about...

-M

---

Sagittarians are always seeking independence, are restless and impulsive.

- L

---

Just like Sirius!

- J

---

What's that mean?

- P

---

It means he's a black-sheep who always does things without thinking.

- J

---

It means he can be extraordinarily irritating and insufferable.

-M

---

Hey, well at least I'm not a fish!...or a goat

- S

---

I don't think he gets the point.

- L

---

Oh, _I_ get the point *wink*

- S

---

There's nothing wrong with fish. In fact, fish are largely unappreciated.

-M

---

Yes, fish are wonderful creatures. And they taste great!

- J

---

Especially with chips.

-P

---

Anyway, who's next? Peter?

-L

---

Yes! What am I? I'm not a fish am I?

-P

---

There is _nothing_ wrong with fish...

-M

---

No, Peter, you're a Virgo. Which, by Sirius' line of thinking, makes you a woman

- L

---

What? That's not fair!

- P

---

What else can you tell us about Petra, Lily?

- J

---

Virgos are always trying to feel useful, and try to deflect the attention away from themselves by focusing on other people, either posivitely or critically, and can generally adapt to the situation. Basically, they're followers.

- L

---

Petra? I'm not a girl! Or a fo--fall--whatever it was you called me!

- P

---

Well, I think that's fairly accurate, though we know Peter (James, don't call him Petra, it's immature) has other talents as well.

- M

---

Like what? Other than turning into a...I mean, other than...whining...(yeah, that'll do) what can he do? (No offence Petr...I mean Pete).

- J

---

*rolls eyes*

- L

---

Well, he's quite good at sneaking around the castle. You and Sirius are far too unsubtle to pull it off properly, and myself not entirely coordinated enough.

-M

---

Yeah! And I'm good at finding stuff out too! Remember when James' stalker-book went missing? And I found out that Sirius stole it and was about to feed it to Mrs Norris?

-P

---

Yeah, I remember that. James found me and went absolutely mental, I couldn't walk straight for a week. Thanks a lot Pete.

-S

---

What's this stalker book?

- L

---

What? Nothing. There's no stalker book. Pete was just kidding

- J

---

No, there was. Remember James? The one with all the pictures of—

-P

---

What's that Pete? Have you been stunned? Oh no! We must catch the perpetrator immediately. Wait here in the cupboard while we capture this fiend!

- J

---

James, _really_.

-M

---

...what in the world is going on?

- L

---

Nothing, my love, nothing. These jolly lads are just...pulling a prank. Yes, of course. Another prank. Ah, the scoundrels.

- J

---

Yeah, it's nothing; Pete was just trying to tell you about James' stalker-book of photos of you. He's kept up a collection since about Third Year. Ain't that right, mate?

-S

---

...

- J

---

...that's the most hilarious thing I've ever heard. James with a stalker book of me? Yeah right. Good one Sirius. Hahahahaha!

- L

---

Oh, I'm not joking, I'll get it for you if you want? It's not just photos either; there are a few locks of hair, and a scary amount of poetry.

-S

---

Yeah, what a great joke Padfoot. You could be a comedian, you could.

- J

---

OK, I get it Sirius. You can stop with the joke now. Should we get back to the question?

- L

---

Fine, but it's your loss, you're missing out on some truly terrible poetry, and incredibly incriminating photographs...

-S

---

Ha ha, he's a jokester, that one, always with the jokes...

- J

---

Yeah OK, I get it James. How about I tell you what your star sign means? And then we'll see how accurate it is.

- L

---

Sure, why not.

- J

---

Aries are always active and are always seeking to do something constructive. They're good with responsibility, and have a spirited personality. Sounds just like you, Jamsie!

- L

---

Yep, sounds just like me. Mr. Responsible.

- J

---

"Spirited personality"? Well, that's a bit of a euphemism.

-M

---

You're just jealous because _I'm_ spirited and you're the shy one who's always hiding behind false personas

- J

---

That sounds nothing like James. He's lazy, annoying, always whining –

- S

---

No, that's you.

- J

---

Nah, I'm more inherently talented at everything, extraordinarily good-looking and extremely popular with the ladies. I can't believe my star sign missed those personality traits out, I mean, come on.

-S

---

I think you missed arrogant, big-headed and self-important too.

- J

---

Look, guys, lets just stop arguing. It's pointless! Not to mention it's giving me a headache. You're both special people in you're own way. Let's just leave it at that.

- L

---

Yes, _very_ special.

-M

---

Who do you like more, Evans?

- S

---

Clearly James.

- L

---

What?!

- S

---

Pads, she's my GIRLFRIEND. Of course she likes me best.

- J

---

Well, I say we should find an impartial judge!

- S

---

I say, you're being ridiculously juvenile.

-M

---

Moony! Who do you like better?

-S

---

I'll not take part in this madness.

-M

---

Fine then, be a wet-blanket. What about you Peter?

-S

---

James stunned him and locked him in the cupboard, remember?

- L

---

Then his vote would go to me, in that case. So it's a draw! One all

- S

---

Great. Now, how about we discuss more important things rather than whatever pointless goop comes out of Sirius' mouth.

- J

---

Important like what? The pointless goop that comes out of _your_ mouth?

-S

---

Shoosh. Who wants to know what _my_ star sign means?

- L

---

Oh, I do!

- J

---

Of course _you_ do. You and Evans are bloody joined at the hip. Stupid couple.

- S

---

Aquarians are people who will fight relentlessly for a cause, sticking fast to their ideologies and seeking to achieve them. It's like me and my fight for women's equality among the Wizarding world.

- L

---

How noble and fitting. I support women's equality too.

- J

---

_What_ a surprise.

- S

---

Aww, James you're so wonderfully supportive.

- L

---

Please, I think I may be sick right about now.

-S

---

If you are, please make sure you're not facing me, thank you very much.

-M

---

I'll try to keep that in mind Moony and aim for the two lovebirds.

-S

---

You are _so_ immature, Black. Can't you just give it a rest?

- L

---

hmmmhhhhmm! mmmhhhhmm!

-P

---

... James, I think you should let Peter out of the closet now, I'm not sure he has much air left in there...

-M

---

...you point being?

- J

---

James, just let him out.

- L

---

Fine, I was kidding. Here you go Pete.

- J

---

There were _spiders_ in there!

-P

---

Oh relax. Spiders can't do anything. Wimp.

- S

---

I think I saw some fleas too.

- P

---

FLEAS, WHERE?!

- S

---

Great, not _this_ again

- J

---

What is it with him and fleas? Fleas only harm dogs.

- L

---

Fleas are horrible, blood-thirsty devil-spawn.

-S

---

Well, he _is_ a mongrel, after all.

- J

---

Yeah, well at least I'm not bloody Bambi.

-S

---

Hey, Bambi saved the forest. AND he's an orphan. You can't insult forest-saving orphans! That's just horrible.

- J

---

Bambi was scary...

-P

---

I'm surprised you all know so much about a muggle story.

- L

---

Remus decided we were "uncultured ruffians" or something, so one summer he went about educating us, I think we saw about a dozen muggle movies and musicals. Not to mention orchestras, Merlin those were boring.

-S

---

Tell me about it. I think I've learnt more than a lifetimes worth of muggle nonsense. If I ever have to sit through the William Tell Overture one more time, I think I'll snap and transfigure all the bloomin' violins into bats. That'd be more entertaining.

- J

---

William Tell? Even _I_ can't stand that song. What in the world were you trying to teach them, Remus?

- L

---

Well, I just think that it's outrageous how little they all know about muggles and muggle culture, and besides, it wasn't _all_ William Tell. As I recall, Sirius quite enjoyed that Who album. Which I sort of regret giving him. If _I_ have to listen to 'My Generation' one more time, I think I might go insane.

-M

---

"I'm talking 'bout my generation" how can you not relate to that song? At least the muggles got something right.

- S

---

Stop, Sirius, just stop. I get that you like the song, I don't need to hear it _every_ five seconds.

-M

---

People try to get us down! Just because we get around!

-S

---

Well, you can't say it's not your fault, Moony; _you_ wanted us to be more "cultured". _You_ gave him that vinal album; you can only blame yourself.

- J

---

No, I blame you for being uncultured in the first place and forcing me to make such a catastrophic error.

-M

---

Moony, we're _wizards_. We were brought up in the Wizarding world. Before Hogwarts, we had very little contact with anything related to muggles, other than the stories in the Daily Prophet of their annoying habit of sticking their noses in our business. Can you really blame us, and our pure-blood families I might add, for not knowing that much about them?

- J

---

Well, you _could_ pay a little more attention in Muggle Studies for one.

-M

---

But Muggle Studies is so boring; we don't even get to use any magic.

-S

---

And those damn fountain pens are a nuisance. Do you know how many times they've smudged all over my work? 15! Why can't muggles just use safe, reliable quills, like the rest of us?

- J

---

You're efforts are admirable, Remus, but even _I_ find the Wizarding world far more interesting than the muggle one.

- L

---

Well, I knew when I started out that my efforts would probably go unappreciated.

-M

---

Pete hasn't said anything for a while.

- J

---

...I - I'm afraid you'll stun me again.

- P

---

So you should be, Pete

- J

---

Nah, he'll only do that if you try to talk about his stalker book again, it's a bit of a touchy topic for him.

-S

---

Shut up Sirius. There. Is. No. Stalker. Book. OK?

- J

---

See what I mean?

-S

---

You lot are acting weirder than normal. Perhaps I should've stayed in Manchester…

- L

---

Don't do that, James will only start pining and complaining again.

-M

---

Aww, you _really_ missed me that much?

- L

---

Of course. Life isn't worth living without you.

- J

---

Awww, you're such a sweetie. How about we go and have some fun, OK?

- L

---

Actually, do go back to Manchester, only this time take James with you.

-S

---

Too late, they're already run off, laughing giddily. Are they going to Narnia again?

- P

---

Undoubtedly. So, I guess that puts and end to this question.

-M

---

Yay, Narnia! Wherever that is…

- P

* * *

**Dear Marauders, **

**I have decided to give you each a personalized question. **

**1) Moony: Do you know a werewolf? Are you one? Why do you keep siding with the werewolves, and why are you avoiding some of the questions about werewolves?**

**2) Prongs: Would you rather have never met Lily, or gone on one date with her and have her dump you never to see her again? Would you go crazy?**

**3) Padfoot: What would you do if you had been put in Slytherin like your brother, and the rest of your family?**

**4) Wormtail: My friend hates you and she is very violent. I'm giving you a warning. RUN. I'm only doing this out of the goodness of my heart. I DON'T like you. **

**5) Lily: What do you do about Petunia during the summer holidays?**

**- Friend of the Wormtail hater**

---

Why don't these people like me? What have I ever done to them?

- P

---

I don't know, maybe they have a phobia of... people called Peter. It does seem a rather irrational hate.

-M

---

Aww, cheer up Pete, we still like you. Forget about those haters. They're not worth it.

- J

---

Thanks James, you guys are the best

- P

---

Don't I know it

- S

---

It's nice to see you all being nice to Peter; you fight so often it sometimes makes me wonder why you're friends.

- L

---

Well, it's a medical requirement really. Sirius needs his head to be deflated on a regular basis, otherwise it could expand so much that it would eventually explode, resulting in the deaths of not only himself, but millions of innocent people.

-M

---

Moony jests. We're like brothers; we fight a lot, but deep down, we're still close.

- J

---

I hate my brother. Good-for-nothing bastard.

- S

---

But not us, right?

- J

---

Nah, you guys are closer than family. Then again, some would argue that I have a pretty whacked idea of what family is; a direct result of having a pretty whacked family.

-S

---

Yeah, your family is pretty bad. Good thing you don't have to go back there anymore. You're still staying with me this summer, right?

- J

---

Actually, I've found my very own place. A muggle flat actually, but it's pretty close you your place, James, so you can expect me there when I burn down the kitchen or something.

- S

---

Which is very likely considering your complete lack of knowledge when it comes to muggle appliances.

- M

---

A muggle flat? You sure? I have like, _heaps_ of room you know. And my parents won't mind. My house is so big I only ever seem them at meal times anyway.

- J

---

You have a house that big?

- L

---

Yeah, we're a rich pure-blood family. It's almost as big as Padfoot's place. And this one is free of annoying wack-job relatives.

- J

---

Not to mention, you might accidentally get killed in my house. If not by my psychotic mother, than by all the illegal dark magic and stuff there. It's all over the place.

- S

---

It sounds scary...

- P

---

Oh, remember that time we wandered into the basement when we were twelve? Merlin, I couldn't sleep for a week after that.

- J

---

Why? What happened? What was in there?

- M

---

Honestly Moony, you don't want to know. And you probably wouldn't want the ickle firsties to know either.

- S

---

It still gives me nightmares sometimes.

- J

---

Sounds terrible. Why hasn't the Ministry done something about it?

- L

---

You kidding? My father's got the Ministry wrapped around his little finger. They couldn't do anything, even if they wanted to. The whole system is corrupt.

- S

---

Doesn't give you much faith in the government, does it?

- J

---

Since when did anyone have faith in the government? It hardly surprises me; they never were much for fairness or justice.

- M

---

Yeah, heh, you'd know all about that, right Moony?

- P

---

Indeed.

- M

---

Hey, weren't there other questions in this question?

- J

---

Ah, yes, right. Well, in response to my question: I don't see where you got this silly idea, heh heh, I mean, it's just completely ridiculous. I'm certainly not a werewolf and I think we established in an earlier edition of this here Advice Thingy, that I have a very, very, _very_ distant relation who is. As for avoiding questions about werewolves, I don't know where you got _that_ from. I don't avoid werewolf questions, why on earth would I? As you can see, it's all completely preposterous.

- M

---

Right Remus, it's a good thing you said all that, now _no one _will _ever_ think you're avoiding questions about werewolves. No, not at _all_.

- S

---

Sirius, I think that sarcasm was rather unwarranted.

- M

---

Right, now, enough about Remus! Let's get back to me! If I'd been in Slytherin instead of Gryffindor I'd.... I'd... uh... hmm.... that's a good question.

- S

---

Yeah, what would you do, Sirius? It would mean having to see your brother every day, as opposed to, whenever we set out to find him and trip him up. Maybe you guys would be in the same friendship group. That would be weird.

- J

---

And scary. Regulus is scary enough without his big brother against us too. I don't want to think about it.

- P

---

I agree Pete. It _is_ scary. In that kind of situation, Regulus might follow in his brothers' footsteps and be as chauvinistic as Sirius. Now _that_ would be a nightmare. One womanising Black is more than enough.

- L

---

You're telling me. I'd probably go as crazy as the rest of my damn family if I were in Slytherin. Bunch of evil bastards. It's giving me the chills just thinking about it. We should change the subject.

- S

---

Okay then, I'll answer my question. So, what do I do about Petunia in the holidays? Mostly I just put up with her, or avoid her. It all depends on what sort of mood she's in. But really, I sort of feel bad, she wasn't always the way she is. Maybe it's because I hardly see her anymore, but she's so different to how I remember her when we were kids.

- L

---

She's probably just jealous because you get to be a witch and have all these awesome powers, and she's stuck being a muggle. I know I'd be bitchy if I were a muggle. It must be so hard having to do things without magic.

- J

---

I feel ya, sista, I feel ya. It's the same with me and Regulus, he wasn't always a kiss ass, Slytherin, Black family clone.

- S

---

Yes, but your way of dealing with him is significantly different to Lily's. She doesn't curse, hex _or_ jinx _her_ sibling.

- M

---

Yeah, well, mine's more annoying.

- S

---

Oh yeah, I remember when were at your house in the summer after First Year. He seemed like a sweet kid. Didn't he make you cookies?

- J

---

I remember that. I sort of miss his cooking, he was way better than Kreacher, didn't even put anything poisonous in the food either.

- S

---

So, what about you James? We've all answered our respective questions except yourself.

- M

---

Me? Well, I think I'd rather have Lily dump me than never have met her. Life without Lily would be empty and meaningless. And I'd never not see her again, because I'd probably track her down to wherever she is and beg her to take me back. Unless she died. Then I would probably end my life too, because as I said, life is meaningless without Lily. That a good enough answer for you?

- J

---

Aww, that has to be one of the sweetest, and most obsessive, things you've ever said to me. Poor Jamsie. Don't worry, I'd never willingly leave you.

- L

---

Well, no matter how supposedly romantic it is to off yourself when you're love interest dies, I think it's just a little melodramatic and not at all a mentally healthy thing to do. Not to mention inconsiderate, I mean, what about the rest of us? We'd be pretty upset if either of you died, let alone both of you. All in all, I think society relies too heavily on Romeo and Juliet for its interpretation of romance.

- M

---

You can't honestly expect me to just move on if the worst were to happen to Lily?

- J

---

Not at all, but there's no need to be suicidal about it. If you died, I have a deep suspicion that Sirius would end up doing something incredibly stupid and end up in Azkaban or something. Besides, if everyone adopted that mentality, there would be no people alive. Say one person dies, then everyone who cares about that person kills themselves, and everyone who cares about the people who killed themselves would also do so and so on and so forth, until nobody was left. It's not a particularly pleasing notion.

- M

---

And what if you had a kid? Would you just die and leave him all alone?

- P

---

Firstly, Sirius had better not do anything stupid when I die, certainly not if I did it willingly, and I think you're overreacting just a bit there Moony. There would still be people. The lonely people, at least. And I guess it might be different if there were a kid involved. I might have to hold off the death until he's of age and doesn't depend on me for survival.

- J

---

Well, it's just a bit selfish is all I'm saying. You aren't the only one who cares whether you live or die. You have to think about the lasting impact of your actions, even if you aren't going to be around to see them.

- M

---

Yeah, well...I guess I won't really care about that when I'm dead, will I?

- J

---

Now you mention it, it would be heart-breaking for our kid if you did that. If I die before you and we have any children, I'd rather you stayed alive with them than follow me. While the idea is romantic, I certainly don't want you to cause anyone else unnecessary pain over your loss.

- L

---

Merlin James, you're being a real idiot, you know that? Of course I'd do something stupid if you went and Arvada Kaderva'd yourself or something; what kind of self-respecting best friend wouldn't? Not to mention I'd be royally pissed off at you. I mean, absolutely bloody furious. I'd be blowing steam out of my ears and everything, not pretty I assure you.

- S

---

Well fine, since everyone seems so outraged over the idea, I just won't die then. Ever. You'd better not die either Lily. We'll have to work out how to achieve immortality. I hear some chap called Flamel is looking into it.

- J

---

Damn straight!

- S

---

You can be immortal too Sirius, so you can live to see the day your family is finally taken down...because it'll take an eternity for that to happen at this rate.

- J

---

Yeah, we can all be immortal. It'd be wicked fun. I can just see it now. Oh! We could be, like, superheroes! Like you see in those muggle picture book things! And Lily could be our official damsel in distress! How does that sound?

- S

---

Does she get a revealing costume?

- J

---

_Everyone_ gets revealing costumes.

- S

---

I'm not so sure, I mean, putting up with Sirius for all eternity... is it really worth it?

- M

---

Who said you were invited to our immortality party, Remus?

- J

---

What? So we're going to be trashy superheros in revealing costumes, and Remus can't join us? That's hardly fair. I think he'd look quite dashing in a revealing costume.

- L

---

... You know, I think I'll stick with the mortality thank you very much...

- M

---

Just kidding, of course you're invited Moony. Even Peter. We'll be the Immortal Marauders! (Plus Lily)

- J

---

What? Why am _I_ in brackets?

- L

---

Because you're not technically a Marauder. Although I'm all for officially making you a part of the group.

- J

---

Lily? A Marauder?

- P

---

I thought we decided in First Year that it was going to be a "No Girls Allowed" type of club, you know? Unless there's something about Lily I don't know...

- S

---

What? Since when did we decide on that? That's a stupid rule.

- J

---

I am _appalled_ that you would even suggest such a thing, Black. I assure you I am female.

- L

---

Care to prove it to me?

- S

---

NO! You filthy pig.

- L

---

Stop hitting on my girlfriend, Sirius. It's not funny. Do it again and I'll have to hex you.

- J

---

Right! Well, before this gets out of hand (or at least, any _more_ out of hand than it already is) let's return to the question, or rather, questions, at hand. 1) I have an extremely distant relation who is a werewolf, though I wouldn't say I know him as such. No, I am not a werewolf. I'm not avoiding werewolf questions. 2) We've established that Lily would never leave James, and they wouldn't have to be worried about death doing them part as, by that stage, we shall all be immortal, scantily dressed superheroes. 3) Sirius would become insane like the rest of his family. 4) Peter is supported by his friends (see: us) who will prevent any potentially homicidal women from harming him. 5) Lily puts up with her sister or avoids her, depending on her mood, and she feels sad that her sister has changed so much since their childhood. Did I miss anything?

- M

---

Nope, I think that's about it Moony. You've gotten good at this whole summary thing. Have you been practicing?

- J

---

Oh, yes, every night in front of the mirror. (I'm being sarcastic by the way.)

- M

---

_Sure_ you are.

- J

* * *

_At long last, Lily is back :D What fun. And it looks like we've made it in time for Christmas. (Too bad this isn't a Christmas chapter….oh well. maybe next year). _

_So on that note, consider this a Christmas present from Shoey and myself, and have a wonderfully happy and fun-filled Christmas, Hanukah, Quanza or other equivalent holiday celebration, and a Happy (and Drunken, if you're like Sirius…and me) New Year :D__I_

_t's been a great year, and I hope the next one is just as good, if not better, especially for the Advice Thingy, and all its readers. __The greatest present you could give is a review/question, so why not join in this festive season of giving? lol. _

_Happy Holidays, and I hope to see you all in the new year (2009! wow)_

_-Tiger-Cub684_

_Yay! See, we were serious when we said we'd be quicker to update. Makes me proud it does. Thank you so much for all your lovely reviews and questions! We really appreciate that you've taken the time and effort to write them, and that you seem to be having as much fun with this Thingy as we are :D Have a happy and safe holiday and we hope to see you all again next year :)_

_-discombobulated shoe_


	27. Chapter 27

_A/N: Chapter 27, wherein there is talk of Narnia, paranoia and much glomping. _

**

* * *

**

Dear Marauders,

**I think I may have a crush on a friend of mine. He's funny and clever, but really shy and doesn't really say much, especially not about himself. He's never really had a girlfriend or anything like that so I don't know whether my feelings would be reciprocated. To make matters worse, I already have a boyfriend! He's perfect and I love him to pieces, but we don't get to see each other very often because he goes to a different school. Now whenever I think about my friend I feel really guilty even though I'm not even trying to cheat! What do I do!?**

**Confused and frustrated**

---

Wow, that's quite a predicament you have there. I think it just proves that long-distance relationships aren't a good idea. This kinda of stuff can happen.

– J

---

Hey, there's nothing wrong with cheating! I mean, what he doesn't know won't hurt him, right? You can mess around with your friend and still stay with your boyfriend at the same time! I mean, what's to say that he isn't doing the same in that other school of his?

-S

---

Really, Sirius, just... _really_.

-M

---

That's terrible advice. Her boyfriend would likely be crushed if she cheated on him. Seriously, sometimes I think you don't even have any consideration for other people.

- J

---

Of course I do! Let's think about this from her boyfriends point of view, OK? I mean clearly he's not getting any, what with his girlfriend so far away, if _I_ were him I know what I'd do, and it has an awful lot to do with broom cupboards.

- S

---

The problem you have, Sirius, is the assumption that everyone thinks like you do. Some people have a sense of _decency_ you know.

-M

---

...well, OK, I guess you have a point, Sirius, (he is a man after all, Moony, we can't rule out the possibility that he _is_ thinking along the same lines as Sirius) but it could also be possible that this guy's not as...needy...as you are, and has been managing fine without cheating. In which case, Confused, cheating on him would be completely unwarranted and just hurtful.

- J

---

But still, if she doesn't have feelings for him, she's just leading him on unnecessarily. I mean, I'm not saying she should cheat on him. Only that she should decide who she wants to be with more, her boyfriend or her friend, and act accordingly.

-M

---

Maybe we should find out if this guy's been cheating. That way, if he is, Confused could dump him and go out with her friend.

- P

---

...that's actually not a bad idea, Pete, but how are we supposed to do that? We don't even know what school this guy's at.

- J

---

...oh, right. I guess I didn't think about _that_ bit.

- P

---

_What_ a surprise...I mean, good try Pete. But I think we'll go with someone else's idea.

- S

---

Not to mention we don't even know who he _is_. Besides, perhaps assuming he's cheating on her is drawing conclusions a bit quickly, and with little evidence.

-M

---

Good point Moony. I liked your suggestion about her deciding who she likes more. That's probably the best option...Or, we could choose the fun option.

- J

---

What's the fun option? Is it also the dangerous option? 'Cause usually, when you get that glint in your eyes, it means it's the dangerous option.

- P

---

I agree entirely with Pete.

- M

---

I'm liking the sound of this, what is it Prongs?

-S

---

I'm glad you asked Sirius. The fun option is, firstly, we track down every possible school this girl could be talking about (which already excludes all the girls-only schools), then, using a mind-reading Spnotch (you know, that gremlin creature Professor Kettleburn was telling us about), find all the boys aged 11-17 with long distance relationships, use a summoning spell to apparate them to the Room of Requirement, where there will be a fountain of truth serum, and use it to gradually locate the one dating Confused, and then ask him if he's cheating on her. And if he is, we'll toss him to the giant squid, just for fun.

- J

---

I knew it was going to be the dangerous option. Not to mention illegal.

- P

---

You know, I know you'd be ever so surprised to hear this James, but I must say, I'm having doubts about this so called masterful plan.

-M

---

Yeah, me too.

-S

---

Really?

-M

---

Yeah, there's not nearly enough dung-bombs involved, or griffons, not to mention broom cupboards. I mean, what were you _thinking_ James?

-S

---

Oh, you had me there Sirius, you almost made me think you were sane. Ha ha.

-M

---

Really Moony, you should know better.

-S

---

What are you guys talking about? The plan is genius!

- J

---

But the broom cupboards mate! What about them? Huh? What do you have to say to _that_?

-S

---

Broom cupboards? Fine. If it turns out this guy is cheating, we'll track down the girl he's doing it with and Sirius can..."keep her occupied" in the broom cupboard while the squid is munching on her partner-in-crime. Good enough for you, Sirius?

- J

---

But only if she consents, mind you.

- J

---

That's much better! What a brilliant plan James! Not a flaw to be seen!

-S

---

Honestly Sirius, have some dignity.

-M

---

Sirius hasn't had dignity since his hormones kicked in back in Second Year.

- J

---

True that.

-M

---

What is this? "Pick on Sirius" day? I'm just trying to make things more fun. Geeze.

- S

---

More fun for you, you mean.

- J

---

Well, I _am_ the most important person here, so yes.

- S

---

You surprise me with your modesty, Sirius.

-M

---

I am nothing _but_ modest, Moony, how could you ever doubt that?

- S

---

He was being sarcastic, Sirius, not that you ever really listen to anything we say long enough to understand the meaning, anyway

- J

---

Yeah, well, whatever. When to we put the plan in action?

-S

---

As soon as we have a list of all the schools in the country. Moony, that's your job.

- J

---

You know Sirius, have you ever considered that he's not cheating? And even if we did go through with this ridiculous "plan" then you would not in fact get to enjoy the wonders of the broom cupboard? And James, who says the school is in this country anyway?

-M

---

...perhaps we should find Confused and ask for her assistance. It might let us avoid all the guess-work in the plan.

- J

---

...James, there better be a back-up plan for me in case this guy isn't cheating

- S

---

Fine fine. If he's not cheating, you can go and spend time in the cupboard with whatever girl you want. (As long as they volunteer, remember)

- J

---

Fantastic plan.

- S

---

He does that anyway, it's not much of a plan.

-M

---

But definitely not with Lily.

- J

---

Damn...I mean...what are you talking about? She wasn't even an option to begin with.

- S

---

_Sure_ she wasn't. I've got my eye on you, Sirius Black.

- J

---

Hey, guys, we aren't _really_ going to do this right? I mean... Spnotchs sound scary...

-P

---

They are, unless you make sure they're well fed. Otherwise they can swallow you whole in before you can blink.

- J

---

Of course we're going through with this plan. It's James' best plan yet!

- S

---

And just because it involved broom cupboards, for shame Sirius.

-M

---

All of James' plans should involve broom cupboards. They're fantastic fun. You should try it sometime Remus. Maybe then you wouldn't be such an uptight stick-in-the-mud.

- S

---

I'm not an uptight stick-in-the-mud! And broom cupboards are unromantic, not to mention unhygienic.

-M

---

If that's what you think, you clearly haven't tried one. I think you'll find they're romantic enough (what does _it_ really have to do with romance, anyway) and the possibility getting caught is just thrilling. And of course they're hygienic; the shelves are full of cleaning supplies.

- S

---

You won't get caught, unless it's by a teacher. I know for a fact that most prefects learn the hard way to ignore strange noises coming from broom cupboards when on patrol in the evenings.

- M

---

And they're not hygienic; _you've_ been in them.

-M

---

I'm hygienic. Who says I'm not? I have more showers than you!

- S

---

That's because you usually have to...clean up...more than Moony.

- J

---

So? I'm still hygienic.

- S

---

Tell that to the pile of socks poisoning our dorm's oxygen.

-M

---

I told you! They're Pete's! Well, most of them anyway...

-S

---

I _clean_ my socks. Besides, Sirius turned most of them into snails that time, remember?

-P

---

I remember. There was slime everywhere. I'm _still_ finding it on my bed curtains.

- J

---

All the more evidence to support my point.

-M

---

Yeah, well, that's not the point. The point is that Moony is long overdue for a trip to the broom cupboard. Don't you have a girlfriend? Why haven't you been there yet?

- S

---

I thought we just discussed it. Besides, your promiscuous affairs with broom cupboards aren't everybody's cup of tea Sirius.

-M

---

You know what I mean, Moony. Fine, don't go to the broom cupboard. But what about the Astronomy Tower? Or the Room of Requirement? The dorms? Narnia? All good places. If you don't go somewhere soon, it may be that _your_ girlfriend is the one writing in about possibly cheating.

- S

---

Whoever said that I'm not?

-M

---

Hey, well, that's surprising. Are you really, Moony?

- J

---

That, dear sir, would be telling.

-M

---

Ha ha, he his. Just look at the shade of red his cheeks have turned. This is hilarious.

- J

---

That has nothing to do with anything it's just... ah... warm...

-M

---

It's the middle of winter Moony.

-S

---

Yes, well.... anyway! Let's get back to advice, shall we? Hmm? Anyone?

-M

---

He's trying to change the topic. That proves it. This is too brilliant. Why didn't you tell us before, Moony?

- J

---

I don't get it. What's happening?

- P

---

Shoosh Pete. I'll tell you later. Well, Moony? Why didn't you?

- S

---

Now, now. Honestly. Let's just drop this whole silly conversation and get back to the Advice Thingy, I mean, that _is_ what we're here for after all.

-M

---

Don't be daft. We're obviously here to talk about your..."night life". The quills and parchments are just decorations.

- J

---

No. No we are not. Any 'night life' of any sort shall not be discussed. Besides, think of the First Years...

-M

---

Ooooh! So it's something to _nasty_ for the poor ickle firsties to read is it? You sly dog!

-S

---

No! That's not at all what I meant! Just.... go away and... be quiet.

-M

---

So, what kind of nasty stuff do you and Cassy get up to? Does it involve anything kinky like hand-cuffs? Chocolate? Leather whips? She's a bit of a dominatrix, isn't she? I'll bet she is. You can tell from the way she looks at you in Charms.

- J

---

We are _not_ having this conversation. Besides, not everybody's relationships are like _yours_.

-M

---

Geeze Moony, lighten up. We're just having a laugh. No need to be so defensive. And besides, what you and Cassy do isn't as big a secret as you might think. Girls talk about this kind of stuff all the time. I'd be surprised if the entire female population of our year at least didn't know what goes on between you two.

- J

---

I'm not being defensive; besides, I was under the impression that there was a question to be answered, advice to be given, a point to be had. Ring any bells?

-M

---

Question? I thought you answered that ages ago. Stop making up excuses and participate in this discussion about your private life.

- J

---

I hear he and Cassy like to "date" in abandoned class-rooms. Not the most inventive of places, but still a classic.

- S

---

Is that why I always hear strange noises coming from the old Rune's class room on the fifth floor? I though there was a Bogart in there…

- P

---

That really isn't any of your business, Sirius. Quiet Pete before I stun you. And James, if the question's over then we really ought to move on to the next one!

-M

---

Fine, relax Moony. You're redder than a tomato. We'll move on to the next question. Maybe it will give us more excuses to continue this conversation

– J

---

Well, I _think_ we decided that Confused should just make up her mind about who she wants and go with, then James had some plan about Spnotchs (scary, scary creatures) and I'm not entirely sure what happened after that... something about Narnia...

-P

---

Nice work Pete. Now, on to more talk about Moony...I mean, the next question...

- J

**

* * *

**

Dear Everyone,

Um, so I was sitting in class one day, and all of a sudden, my friend went all weird and she said:

"The one of the moon should follow his heart  
The one who is Black should stay away from drapes  
The ones who love should tell people when they change a secret  
And the one with the tail should follow his friends  
If these things shall come to be  
Then the future will be free"

And then she "woke up" and didn't remember a thing!! What did it mean? What happened?? HELP!

-A VERY confused Hufflpuff

**---**

Hmm, sounds like a Gillyweed-induced hallucination to me. Not very wise to be using in class, through. Teachers are real stiffs when it comes to drugs...

- J

---

Yes James, how could they, the scoundrels. But, really, it sounds to me like it might be an actual prediction, at least, from what I've read in books it seems like one. It's a pity predictions are always so cryptic.

-M

---

Yeah, funny about that...

- J

---

Do I sense you're being sceptical? Or are you too high to know what's happening right now?

- S

---

I am _not_ high on anything, thankyouverymuch. Except love.

- J

---

That's the worse thing to be high on.

- S

---

Not so much "high" as "daft" I'd say.

-M

---

Maybe they do it on purpose.

-P

---

Maybe they do what on purpose? Get high?

- J

---

No, make the predications all confusing so no one gets them.

-P

---

It is pretty ironic, here you have this prediction of the future, possibly something vastly important, but you can't understand it because it's so cryptic. Divination is all one big cosmic joke.

-M

---

Maybe they _are_ high when they make them. Then they've been talking nonsense all this time and we knew nothing.

- J

---

What is it with you and being high?

-S

---

...nothing...what would make you think otherwise?

-J

---

That's not suspicious at _all_.

-M

---

What? I do _not_ have a drug problem. I've been clean ever since I started dating Lily.

- J

---

Right. And when we were smoking on the roof the other day, I was just imagining things.

- S

---

Yeah, that purple hippo was real, I swear!

-P

---

Exactly. I think you need to get your head checked Sirius. Over-imagination could be dangerous. Just look at Pete!

- J

---

I think the term you're looking for, James, is "drug induced hallucinations". .

-M

---

You're high right now, aren't you?

- S

---

Well...maybe just a _bit_...unless there really is a giant marshmallow man standing behind you...

- J

---

Oh, in that case you're perfectly fine; this is my friend Bob, the giant marshmallow man. Siriusly though mate, lay of the drugs, or you'll end up like Pete.

-S

---

Or, even worse, Sirius.

-M

---

Hmmm, I guess you do have a point. OK, fine, starting tomorrow, no more gillyweed....Alcohol shall be my only poison.

- J

---

I'm proud of you James. Anyway, I wonder what this prediction/hallucination actually means. If it _is_ a prediction, then it might be something important.

-M

---

I still don't think it actually means anything. I mean, "The one with the tail"? Who has a tail that can read? And why is she so against black people going near drapes? Is there a racist murderer behind them? It doesn't make much sense.

- J

---

I suppose so, I mean, I wasn't aware that anyone lived on the moon... I guess you were right James and it is all just a hallucination, in which case I'd just like to say to the First Years: don't do drugs.

-M

---

Yes, take it from me, drugs are addictive...stick to something else. Like firewhiskey. Or por –

- J

---

Aren't those things addictive too?

- P

---

...look, we can't all be bloomin' saints like Moony, OK?

- J

---

Yeah, if we were, we'd be pretty damn boring.

-S

---

Thanks Sirius, it means a lot.

-M

---

I know! It'd be terrible if we were all like Moony. It'd be like watching paint dry. Without magic.

- J

---

Or watching grass grow, without magic, or eating dry parchment, without jam. I'd die of boredom.

- P

---

I'm so flattered that you all think so highly of me.

-M

---

No worries, Moony.

-S

---

That's what we're here for.

- J

---

Is it just me or did the room suddenly get colder?

- P

---

Don't worry Pete, that's just Moony and his icy sense of humour.

- J

---

Yes, quite.

-M

---

If everyone was like _me_ on the other hand, well, that would be a different story.

-S

---

There'd be a lot more death and destruction for one.

-M

---

Not to mention perverse acts and quite possibly adultery. Perhaps one Sirius is enough. More than enough.

- J

---

Well, it wouldn't be boring, at least. But it would be scary.

- P

---

And _no one_ would think of the First Years.

-M

---

That would be a good thing in this case.

- J

---

Jeez, you guys are all killjoys aren't you?

-S

---

No, I'm loads of fun. Everyone should be more like me.

- J

---

What? Half blind and daftly chasing red-heads with their tongues wagging? No thankyou James.

-M

---

I have excellent sight, for your information...when I'm wearing the glasses...

- J

---

Not to mention we'd all be pathetic, weedy Quidditch players.

-S

---

Yeah, and we'd have messy hair.

-P

---

What? I'm the captain! And the best damn Quidditch player the school's ever seen. You can talk. You hit me last week with the bludger when you got distracted by Lisa's skirt blowing up in the wind. Not very professional

- J

---

Yeah, well, if your bloody great head wasn't so hard to miss, maybe things would've been different.

-S

---

You broke my nose! If Pomfrey hadn't fixed in time, it could've been visibly scarred, for life!

- J

---

I still say it would've been an improvement.

- S

---

Bastard. Stop trying to break me. And you'd better start coming to Quidditch trainings again. I'm not covering for you because you have another "date". The others are starting to get suspicious.

- J

---

You two are being childish. Again. Stop it now.

-M

---

Ow, he hit me! Do it again and I'll set Bob on you!

- S

---

Bob doesn't scare me. And neither do FLEAS!

- J

---

AHHH! WHERE?

-S

---

Stop! Now! You're giving me a headache! Again!

-M

---

Moony, stop them! It's scary! (Why are they doing this again? They haven't fought for weeks, and now this. Why Moony, why?)

- P

---

And I though we might be able to live out the rest of our lives in relative peace, how naive of me.

-M

---

I'm not inviting you to my birthday party! SO THERE! What do you have to say to THAT!

-S

---

GOOD. Because I wouldn't go to your stupid birthday party if you paid me! And since I was the one planning it, I guess there won't be a party anyway!

- J

---

Grrrr, you little –

- S

---

What ya going to do now, Padfoot? Try to attack me again? How predictable.

- J

---

Look, if you don't stop this insanity now, I'll stun you both, and I won't let you have any of my chocolate forever and ever amen. Are we clear?

-M

---

*grumble* I guess. Just keep the flea-bag away from me.

- J

---

WHERE'S THE FLEA BAG???

- S

---

I meant you. Idiot.

- J

---

Well, at least that's all settled now.

-M

---

I don't have fleas... .... do I?

-S

---

No, Sirius, you're fine. The fleas won't get you.

- M

---

Not for now, at least...

- J

---

Stop it James, you're making him paranoid.

-M

---

...just because he's paranoid doesn't mean there's nothing to be afraid of...

- J

---

Wow, Sirius must have a case of twitchy eyes. I had that once. Not fun.

- P

---

Ah well, at least there's no shouting now.

-M

---

No, it's just the panicky breathing and distrustful looks. Much more entertaining.

- J

---

Where are they? I know you know that I know that you know where they are! Tell me!

- S

---

And thus, another reason why you should stay away from drugs (and Sirius). Paranoia. One of the more amusing side-affects. Serves him right for stealing from my stash...not that I'll have any more use for it now, ahem.

- J

---

Hmm. Indeed. I've got my eye on you James Potter. And Sirius, you're making about as much sense as the prediction/hallucination. I agree with James, you should stay away from drugs, or before you know it, they'll have taken over what little semblance of sanity you have left.

-M

---

Who are you? What are you doing here? Where are you hiding the fleas!???!!

- S

---

I think we should probably do something about Sirius... like lock him in a cupboard maybe? Threaten to steal his firewhiskey? Something to snap him out of it. And believe me James, I blame you entirely for all this.

-M

---

Well, I'd deny it, but no, it's my fault. And I'd gladly do it again. Can't you see how hilarious this is? You wouldn't be so sympathetic if you knew what Sirius did the last time you got drunk and passed out.

- J

---

Ha ha, that was a fun time.

- P

---

Um, I'm not sure I _want_ to know.

-M

---

Too right you don't. Still want to help him now?

- J

---

Not so much help him as make him less annoying, though I'm not sure that's possible.

-M

---

Sirius is acting crazier than when Remus went paranoid. Where did he get the tin foil and coat hangers from?

- P

---

Fleas...listening to my brain waves...can't find me now, suckers.

- S

---

I liked that option of locking him in the cupboard...alone. Although, maybe a reminder of what is normal (normal for him, anyway) may snap him out of it.

- J

---

Are you suggesting what I think you are? (I don't know what you're suggesting; I just wanted to sound smart…)

- P

---

Yep. Let's call up one of his current flings. If all else fails, it'll be hilarious to see him humiliate himself in front of her.

- J

---

You people, so petty.

-M

---

What? It's not like he doesn't deserve it. And besides, it's his own fault for being so irrational about fleas. What's so scary about them anyway? They're just like tiny little vampires.

- J

---

Fleas are the spawn of that devil the muggles believe in! They creep up to you in the dead of night and SUCK ALL YOUR BLOOD and itch like hell. DON'T JEST ABOUT FLEAS!

- S

---

Fleas aren't at all pleasant creatures James. But I suppose if it will bring him back to his senses (or what's left of them) then you may proceed.

-M

---

Really? Brilliant. I'll go get Tiffany.

- J

---

She can be kind of scary...No, get the other one! Jade.

-P

---

I thought Cindy was his current one? Unless I'm out of date...

-M

---

Good idea Pete. Jade still thinks Sirius is faithful, loyal, and a perfectly sane individual. And Cindy is just as crazy as Sirius. She wouldn't care at all. So Jade it is. This'll be hilarious...

- J

---

How long do you think he'll take to get her?

- P

---

I have no idea, let's hope it's quick, I'm not sure how long the common room will stay intact with Sirius in this state.

-M

---

Gee, he sure is crazy.

- Bob the Giant Marshmallow Man

---

You said it, Bob.

- P

---

...Fleas...apocalypse...death...shoes...

- S

---

Riiiight.... Um... James! James are you back yet? Everyone's going mad!

-M

---

Maybe we should put Sirius in the cupboard until James gets back. Just to be safe.

- P

---

I think that's a brilliant idea-- I mean, no! That would be inhumane.

-M

---

Whatever, I'm putting him in there anyway. Hey Sirius, I found this awesome flea-repelling device in the storage cupboard over there, behind the couch. Yep that one.

- P

---

Flea repellent? Where?

- S

---

Right in here...there. Nice and safely locked up. See Moony, now you don't get to get your hands dirty.

- P

---

I can't see....fleas are nocturnal...

- S

---

Well, fine. Whatever. If it will stop him from destroying the furniture then so be it.

-M

---

...and if you come right this way, we'll find...Sirius? Where is he, guys?

- J

---

Hi everyone!

- Jade

---

um...

- P

---

Yeah, where's Sirius? James said he was waiting for me.

- Jade

---

He's in the cupboard, looking for flea repellent.

-M

---

...why would he be in the –

- Jade

---

Hey Babe. I was looking for you. Don't listen to these guys. They're just playing another practical joke. Haha, such pranksters.

- S

---

What? He's suddenly back to normal now?

-P

---

...well, it worked, didn't it? I'm just disappointed that it's not funny.

- J

---

So are we all James, so are we all.

-M

---

And they may mention something about fleas, or gillyweed, but that's just nonsense. Part of the joke. Don't listen to it.

- S

---

Right. And who's the giant marshmallow?

- Jade

---

That's just Bob. He doesn't matter.

- S

---

Hey! I thought we were friends!

- Bob

---

You know what? This is getting beyond weird.

-M

---

...OK, admittedly, I didn't expect this to happen. Say something crazy, Sirius

- J

---

Tut tut, so immature James. Listen, me and Jade are going to leave now. Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone.

- S

---

Bye guys! Nice to meet you all

- Jade

---

...what? Us, do something stupid? Immature? Did he hit his head on something in there? The nerve!

- J

---

Sirius has always been crazy. I'm talking about the giant marshmallow man; does anyone but me think that's just a little strange?

-M

---

I'd say it's strange, but he keeps looking at me funny. It's scary.

- P

---

Yes, well, I think all this talk of gillyweed and fleas is making everyone become slightly unhinged.

-M

---

Tell me about it. I don't even exist!

- Bob

---

This is weird, and scary.

-P

---

Maybe we should just wrap up this question and agree to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever even look at gillyweed ever ever ever ever ever ever again. See First Years? I was serious when I told you not to do drugs.

-M

**

* * *

**

Dear Marauders,

**  
I think a friend of mine might be a werewolf. What should I do?**

**  
-Concerned Friend**

---

You should become unregistered animagi and have wicked fun adventures in the moonlight. Hypothetically speaking of course.

-S

---

...is it my turn to hit him? 'Cause I don't care, I'm doing it anyway. Shut up Sirius.

- J

---

Ow, hey, relax, it was a joke, remember? What kind of idiots would actually do something like that? Not to mention, have the intelligence to become animagi without people knowing.

- S

---

I think we should all hit him.

-M

---

I agree. I has intellamagence.

- P

---

Aw, come on!...stop, ow, hitting, ow....me....

- S

---

In the groin. Ouch. Nice work Pete.

- J

---

Thank you. It's what I do best.

- P

---

...ow...

- S

---

OK, now that Sirius is immobilised...and silenced, lets get back to the question at hand....if your friend is a werewolf, I suggest you DON'T abandon him/her like you might be tempted to. I hear it's a hard condition to live with.

- J

---

No matter how tempted you are.

- P

---

What? What's this about tempted?

-M

---

Nothing. Pete was just being funny. Joke, get it?....no? I don't either. He's not very good with jokes...

-J

---

Nothing mate, some might be a bit intimidated is all. But not I! Canines unite! Eh?

-S

---

Sirius, do try to be a bit subtle.

-M

---

Can we hit him again?

- P

---

No! No, it's fine. I'll shut up.

- S

---

So, as I was saying, no abandoning. But I'd say no to sleepovers on full-moon, if you know what I mean.

- J

---

Well, it might be a good idea to confirm your theory. Maybe you should ask your friend about it. They may not be a werewolf, and something else may be bothering them. But if they are, follow James' advice. And forget everything Sirius has ever said.

-M

---

Yes, forget everything that comes out of Sirius' mouth. We do. Merlin, even Sirius forgets everything he says. It's never really important.

- J

---

I've said important stuff before.

- S

---

Oh really?

- J

---

Like...?

-M

---

Like... how... um...

-S

---

Can't think of anything?

-M

---

If it's "Hey, wanna shag?", trust me, that's not important. Not by civil standards anyway.

- J

---

No, I wasn't going to say that. What I was _going_ to say, before I was so _rudely_ interrupted, was...you know...what I said that time....when we were in detention...

- S

---

What? "Snape's a git"?

-M

---

Everyone says that.

- P

---

Then what? "I love Fruit Cake"? That's just stupid. NO ONE likes fruit cake.

- J

---

NO, I meant when I said that you guys were the best people in my life...although I'm beginning to have second thoughts about that.

- S

---

....awww, Sirius has gone all soft and squishy!

- J

---

Especially squishy.

-M

---

Stop poking me! Merlin, you people.

- S

---

He wuvs us! awww, isn't he adorable!

- J

---

No...I....didn't...say...that. STOP POKING ME DAMN IT!

- S

---

Would you rather I kick you again?

- P

---

No, just stop touching me! Everyone!

- S

---

But Sirius! You've gone all soft and squishy! We're showing our appreciation.

-M

---

Merlin! Don't you all have an 'off' button?

-S

---

He does, but you don't want to find it. It's in a far away place, if you catch my drift…

- J

---

Poke!

- P

---

Stop with the poking, I say!

- S

---

No poking? I know, lets all glomp Sirius!

- J

---

Glomp!

- P

---

Gah, suffocating!

- S

---

Aww! Siwius! Wanna hug?

-M

---

No! No! No! Stop!

- S

---

Did I tell you? Its opposite day today. So, he _does_ want us to hug him!

- J

---

Fine fine! Hug me then!

-S

---

Aw! He want's us to hug him! I thought he'd never ask.

-M

---

Wait-- no!

-S

---

I love Opposite Day.

- J

---

I bloody don't! Can't you all just get off? I can barely breathe! What if someone walked in and saw this? Think of the girls! My reputation!

- S

---

What reputation? Besides, I thought we were the best people in your life.

-M

---

_My_ reputation. Now gerrof me, you all smell like sweat and old socks.

-S

---

At least it's better than wet dog.

- J

---

If I smell so bad, then why won't you get off me!

- S

---

Because it annoys you, that's why.

-M

---

Because we wuv you!

- J

---

Yeah... that too.

-M

---

Aw, this is just friggin' great. I hate you guys.

- S

---

We love you too!

- P

---

Wasn't there a question? Let's get back to that!

- S

---

Yes, I suppose we should. That and James was right about the wet-dog smell.

-M

---

Thank you...Bloody homos...last time I ever tell them how I feel...

- S

---

Shoosh Sirius. We're talking about more important things now

-J

---

Well Sirius, there's no need to be prejudiced about it. Anyway, we're talking about the question now, not everything's about _you_.

- M

---

You bloody-- wankers.

-S

---

Haha, that's ironic coming from you!

- J

---

Oh, sod off.

-S

---

OK, we were talking about werewolves...

- P

---

Oh, were we? Let's get back to Sirius then.

-M

---

_Other_ werewolves.

-P

---

Oh, in that case, continue.

-M

---

Geez Moony, and you talk to _me_ about being subtle.

-S

---

You guys are pathetic. I'd trust a Daily Prophet tabloid not to blab as much as you guys do. Seriously.

- J

---

Anyway, werewolves are annoying, smelly, and smart-arse creatures. But they can also go through times of great depression. So I'd make sure you keep a whole lot of butterbeer and firewhiskey on hand, so you can get shitfaced every time they try to talk about their problems. And chocolate. Werewolves are known chocoholics. If they don't get some very hour, they can die!

- P

---

...how insightful Peter...ummm...he's partly right (not that we'd have any first hand experience or anything...)

- J

---

Well, the chocolate thing is right. Werewolves have a _reason_ for getting depressed and you shouldn't get shitfaced instead of listening to their problems! Especially if they take the time, energy and patience to listen to _yours_. I mean honestly. Um... hypothetically speaking, of course.

-M

---

Right. And they're also whiney little bitches. So be prepared for A LOT of depressive whining. I agree with Pete about the alcohol.

- S

---

Well, I don't agree.

- J

---

Oh really?

- S

---

Yes! Absolutely! Thankyou James!

-M

---

No, it's better to be high....I mean, _I_ listen. I'm a great listener.

- J

---

Riiiight. Well, this has been an enlightening conversation. At least if you all agree with the depression part then you'd better agree with the hourly chocolate part too! Hand it over! ... I mean, _if_ I was a werewolf (which I'm not, by the way) then you would have to give me chocolate... ahem.

-M

---

Smooth. I was joking by the way. I _do_ listen. I swear.

- J

---

No, it's too late, you've all lost my trust forever now.

-M

---

He's got that _tone_ Pete, I hear a rant coming on. Get the firewhiskey! Stat!

-S

---

Aww, don't be like that Moony. I'll give you that chocolate I was going to give Sirius for Christmas. It's got rum in it!

- J

---

Oh well, in _that_ case. I suppose James is my only friend here.

-M

---

Stupid shallow blighter.... That's _my_ future chocolate!

-S

---

Awwwww, I wuv you too Moony. EVERYONE JUMP ON MOONY!

- J

---

Yay! I love group hugs!

- P

---

Wait what?

-M

---

Ha ha! Payback time! Who's squishy now eh?

-S

---

Oomph. Get... off... me... glrkh!

-M

---

Now you know what it feels like to be crushed by three smelly, annoying, and not to mention heavy (Peter) teenage boys. Serves you right. You _know_ James is such a girl.

- S

---

I am not!

- J

---

Ergh! I think you cracked one of my ribs...

-M

---

You say that now, but it'll be fine in an hour. Remember when you broke your arm? Something to do with the...whole...teenage thing? Stop glaring at me...

- P

---

You _so_ are a girl, James. Every time someone says they love you, you have to jump on them.

- S

---

Not true.

- J

---

Ungh! There goes another one. Don't fight while you're pinning me down and suffocating me! -- Ew, gross! Get your hair out of my mouth Sirius!

-M

---

It's not my fault! Stop chewing on my hair!

-S

---

If you just _cut_ it once in a while -- Ow! Get off all of you!

-M

---

I think it's about time we wrapped up this question so we can go about suffocating...I mean, showing Remus how much we love him, without any distractions.

- J

---

No! Stop! Save me! Save me! Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

-M

---

Oh, don't be so dramatic Moony.

- S

---

OK. Werewolves are annoying. But they can be good friends if you keep them high on sugar.

- P

---

Well, I think we've deduced that you should a) find out if your friend actually _is_ a werewolf or if b) they're having trouble with something else. If they are indeed a werewolf, you should c) not abandon them, d) not listen to Sirius and his preposterous stories about animagi, e) _listen_ to your friend instead of getting smashed, f) give them chocolate every day and g) not attack them or try to h) suffocate them or i) break their ribs, because, j) it's not nice and k) Sirius smells of wet dog. So l) remember what we've said, m) forget what Sirius said, and n) … okay, I'm going to stop here.

-M

---

Good work Moony. OK, everyone off him now. It's almost time for tea.

- J

---

Hey, I've got an idea, LETS ALL JUMP ON JAMES!

- S

---

What? No!...aww crap.

- J

---

This is fun!...and slightly strange...

- P

---

Why me?!

- J

---

Pay-back, my friend, pay-back. Not so fun being crushed, is it?

- S

---

Just get off me!

– J

---

But James, we're just trying to show you how much we _love_ you, isn't that right? Suffocation is the best way to show affection after all.

-M

---

I should've known this would come back to bite me in the arse.

- J

_

* * *

_

A:N: Yes, the boys went slightly yaoi in the end, didn't they? You know, if you squint…well there you go spazzing fangirls, I hope you appreciate it. Cos it's likely not to happen again. But then again, our chapters are never pre-planned, beyond the order of questions, so ,,, who knows what the future holds?

_Thanks for all the reviews last chapter :D I think we've told you before how much we rely on your questions to keep the Advice Thingy going, so if you wanna see more, send us some questions. Doesn't really matter how strange the content (as long as it's something not previously addressed…) since the conversations sparked rarely seem to have much to do with them anyway. And don't get dis-heartened if you don't see your question in the next chapter. We use questions in order of how old they are, the newer ones being last. But if hang in there, you just might see your own contribution to MAT. How awesome is that? _

_So, yeah, keep sending in the questions :D_

_Oh, and I hope you had an awesome new-year. Check it out, first update for 2009. I think it's going to be a good year…_

_Later ;D_

_Tiger-Cub684_

_Hey, I'd just like to say thanks a whole bunch for all of your reviews and questions! We really appreciate them and it's good to hear that people are enjoying this fic :)_

_Oh, and for some reason ff . net has decided to censor my user name from all the previous ANs. I think it thinks it's a website, what with the dot and all… Whatever._

_As Tiger said, Happy New Year! I hope you all have a great 2009! _

_discombobulated . shoe_


	28. Chapter 28

_A/n: Chapter 28, wherein__ Sirius has a diary, they get drunk (what a surprise), and have fun with potions._

**

* * *

**

Dear Marauders,

**How on earth did you even become friends?**

**-Curious**

---

You know what? Sometimes I wonder that myself. And it's a very long and epic tale, full of action, romance...other epic qualities...

- J

---

Like magic swords. And Dragons.

-P

---

Yes, all those.

- J

---

Yeah, and scantily dressed, busty women.

-S

---

What story is complete without them?

- J

---

None whatsoever, mate. None whatsoever.

-S

---

Well, for some reason, I don't seem to remember any of that.

-M

---

Well, you were asleep. What story is complete without a sleeping princess?

-S

---

I resent that.

-M

---

Too true. And so, while the only moderately attractive princess slept all day, the two valiant, brave, virtuous, and not to mention, incredibly handsome, heroes went about...ah...what was this supposed to be about? Becoming friends? Right. That's what they did. Along with their short, stumpy side-kick, Peter.

- J

---

Hey! I'm not short, or stumpy!

- P

---

Yes, Peter, you _are_ short. And stumpy's not a bad thing...*cough*

- J

---

Oh, OK then...

- P

---

For some reason, I think you're taking a bit of creative license with this story.

-M

---

Yeah, mate, where's the part where I get with the scantily dressed, busty women?

-S

---

Sirius, you were _eleven_. You still thought girls were icky.

-M

---

Yeah, remember that second year girl wanted to hold your hand at the Halloween party? You gagged before shouting "GIRL GERMS" and running into the bathroom to "get clean", since you were apparently tainted by her breathing in your air. It was insufferable. But if you want, we can add a bunch of half-naked, busty women into the hospital wing, where you were sent afterwards, because you were complaining of nausea and fever.

- J

---

That is the most ridiculous story I've ever heard. "Girl germs"? Seriously, James. Not even very imaginative...

- S

---

Yeah, it's funny how the true stories always seem the most farfetched. But I guess that's life for ya. Reality is stranger than fiction.

- J

---

Wow, all the stuff I never realized about how we became friends. I never would have known if someone hadn't asked this question...

-P

---

Yeah, funny about that. It might have something to do with how none of the things these two brainless sods have come up with actually happened (except for the 'girl germs' part, that was true.)

-M

---

Oh really? You think you can tell the story better, Moony? Be my guest. We'll see whose is more entertaining.

- J

---

I swear that didn't happen!

- S

---

Shoosh, Sirius. It's too late. Everyone knows now. Be quiet and let Moony attempt whatever ridiculously boring story he has in mind.

- J

---

Well... um. I'm not entirely sure about the exact circumstances. I mean, there wasn't a specific moment when we all suddenly became friends. More than anything, it was probably because we share a dorm together. And because Sirius lit James' bed on fire on the first night, and then James retaliated by slipping a potion into Sirius' breakfast that turned his hair pink, and then Sirius retaliated by gluing James' shoes to the ceiling. And well, it all escalated until the dorm was half-burnt and covered in pink and green slime, and Professor McGonagall gave us all detention, every night for about two weeks. And, strangely enough, after those two weeks we had mysteriously become friends.

-M

---

The end.

-M

---

And there were no scantily dressed women, or magic swords, or dragons, or sleeping princesses.

-M

---

Well, I told you it was boring. You didn't even mention the part where I tricked Sirius into the astronomy tower, locked him in there overnight, came to get him out the next morning, but discovered he had attempted to escape by jumping out the window. His robe had gotten caught on a stray nail in the outside wall and he had ended up hanging by his sleeves half the night. That was a great story.

– J

---

Yes, well, I can't say _everything_.

-M

---

And then didn't Sirius swap your wand with a licorice one, and you ended up failing that transfiguration test because you couldn't turn the goblet into a bird?

- P

---

Yeah, and then James decided it would be just _hilarious_ to steal all my possessions and hide them around the castle in mysterious locations. It took me a week just to find one pair of socks!

-S

---

Ahh, the fun we had. Good thing we eventually realized it was _more_ fun working together and pranking _other_ people.

- J

---

Yeah, that way there was less slime and pain and suffering. Well, at least for _us_. Plenty of that for the other people.

- S

---

And that's the most important thing. What fun is it, being on the receiving end of finding your pillow has turned into pudding? Watching it happen is far more hilarious.

- J

---

What I don't understand is why me and Moony got detention too! I mean, _we_ didn't do anything!

-P

---

Actually, as I recall, Moony got sick of it all, and cursed the door of the dorm so me and James wouldn't be allowed in. So we had to work together to break in! Which _didn't_ exactly work as we'd planned. See, that's how the dorm caught on fire and got covered in goop. And Peter was arrested by association, McGonagall is ruthless like that.

-S

---

Still, I never did anything _wrong_ it was you and James' who destroyed the dormitory (not to mention the stairwell, and half the common room) trying to get in. I was just acting out of self defense.

-M

---

But the detention wasn't so bad. All we had to do was count the number of feathers on Fawkes and weren't allowed out until we had the right number. Didn't help that it was molting season though.

- J

---

Didn't help that Pete couldn't count past 100 you mean.

-S

---

Didn't help that Sirius kept insisting on touching _everything_ in Dumbledore's office.

-M

---

It didn't help that... um... Fawkes... had lots of feathers... I mean, what kind of bird has more than 100 feathers? How many do they _need_?

-P

---

Do you even know what feathers are for, Pete?

- J

---

Please, _everyone_ knows that feathers are for baking pasta cakes with potato mash. And counting.

-P

---

...you're an idiot

- J

---

Feathers help the birds fly, as well as keep them warm, make them aerodynamic and the colouring and patterns can be used to help them identify family members and potential mates. Geeze Pete, don't you remember all that stuff we learned when we had to research birds for detention after we accidentally stunned Hagrid's chickens? We were meant to gain a greater appreciation for them. I know I did. Isn't that right, Sir Quacksalot?

- S

---

Quack!

- Sir Quacksalot

---

Yeah, well... I like my explanation better. It made more sense.

-P

---

...maybe to you it did. But not for people with brains...

- J

---

Well, _anyway_, that's the story of how we became friends. It's all very, uh, heartwarming and emotional et cetera. I mean, we decided it was more fun to inflict pain on others then on ourselves. Tell me that doesn't just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

-S

---

I know it makes ME feel warm and fuzzy. And highly amused.

- J

---

Yeah, not to mention, watching random groups of Slytherins break out in boils is bloody hilarious.

-S

---

Haha, you're telling me. Sometimes, whenever I'm feeling a bit depressed (although it doesn't happen as often now that Lily isn't rejecting me anymore), I'll just stroll down to the dungeons, wait for a few Slytherins to walk out of the common rooms, and _bam_ give them jelly legs, just to watch the hilarity unfold. It's like an instant pick-me-up. I recommend it to everyone

- J

---

Well, I mean, I'm not saying that Slytherins are a pleasant bunch, but still, going around cursing people just for the sake of it _is_ a little unkind.

-M

---

Slytherins aren't people, Moony, Slytherins are Slytherins. Slimy, evil, conniving creatures with no souls.

- J

---

Not to mention, it's _not_ just for the sake of it. It's for the _fun_ of it.

-S

---

Honestly, you people are insufferable.

-M

---

Insufferable? I think you mean hilarious.

- J

---

No, I'm pretty sure I mean insufferable.

-M

---

No, you mean hilarious.

- J

---

Come on, Moony, there's no need to be like that. All, wet-blanket-y. Lighten up.

-S

---

I'm not being "wet-blanket-y" as you so eloquently put, I'm just _saying_ we shouldn't endorse the unnecessary torture of random individuals by propagating hate towards a particular house and feeding this growing trend of prejudice towards Slytherin that seems to have permeated the rest of the school. I can't help but hold the belief that _you two_ have a lot to do with that.

– M

---

...well, your face...permeates...hatred...yeah!

- S

---

Nicely put, Sirius.

-M

---

You can't pin the blame entirely on us, Moony. I mean, there's a reason why Slytherins have a bad reputation. If anything, blame all those dark wizards who were Slytherins. All me and Sirius are doing is...going with the flow.

- J

---

Well, not all Slytherins are bad, and most bad Slytherins probably aren't _all_ bad. Besides, Slytherin isn't the only house with previous members becoming dark wizards. Doesn't it seem ridiculous that what makes a wizard or witch intrinsically evil all boils down to what house they were in at school? And, if that were the case, wouldn't you say that such prejudice could be the _cause_ of them going dark? I mean, after seven years of unrelenting prejudice, pranks, being mutually hated and expected to be downright nasty... well, that sort of thing could get to a person. It's all just a vicious cycle, powered by stereotyping and the occasional evil mastermind.

-M

---

Well, in my defence, Sirius is the one who always insists on pranking Slytherins. I'm happy to prank anyone and everyone, without prejudice. But I think he has a grudge against them because of this family, or something.

- J

---

Well --

-M

---

Before you start psychoanalysing my motives and asking me about how I feel about my childhood and my mother etc. etc. ad nauseum. Let me just inform you that if you _do_, I will steal all your sweater vests, cover them in honey (or whatever it is that giant squids like best) and throw them in the lake. So, what were you going to say?

-S

---

Um.... nothing really...

-M

---

Don't worry Moony, we don't have to ask him about all that to psychoanalyse Sirius. Because it's all right here, in his secret diary!

- J

---

What? Where did you get that - - Fuck.

- S

---

Hey, look, an entry dated last night. It says "Dear Diary. Pete used all the maple syrup today at breakfast before I got any. So I turned all his books into snapping turtles...." blah blah, oh, look, here's something interesting, "I found a strange rash this morning. I think it might be - -"

- J

---

Oi! Shut it pot-head! (Did you see that? That was a clever pun on your name. Because you name is Potter and you're a druggie. Clever me). That's _clearly_ not mine. I mean, what kind of self-respecting man keeps a diary...hehe...right? It's obviously a fake. Obviously.

- S

---

While I wholeheartedly agree that Sirius should take some time to analyse his feelings, especially his hostility towards Slytherin and it's inhabitants, I think this particular method, James, is perhaps a bit juvenile and I am detecting some ulterior motive from you. I'm starting to wonder if your reason for revealing the contents of Sirius' diary is not entirely to help him explore and overcome his tangle of emotions that stem from his traumatic past and tragic childhood, which have lead to his unreasonable hatred for all things Slytherin today. Is that the case, James?

-M

---

That's it Moony, say goodbye to your sweater vests.

-S

---

Well, it could just be me, but I reckon James is just trying to take the mickey out of Sirius.

-P

---

What an astute observation Peter.

-M

---

Moony...I know how much you enjoy pretending to know everything and applying your seemingly infallible logic to whatever the hell you want, but this is ridiculous. And that's not entirely true, Pete. I was earnestly trying to help Sirius by allowing us to see his innermost thoughts and feelings, as he has religiously poured into this journal, in order for us to find a way to help him overcome his short-comings and pinpoint the exact reasons for his destructive behaviour. How dare you accuse me of being so petty? If I really wanted to embarrass Sirius, I'd simply activate the dropping charm on his pants at dinner in front of the whole school.

- J

---

Yeah, well, you should. Because he turned my books into turtles. That bite.

-P

---

I do not pretend to know everything! And my logic is only seemingly infallible because it's such a foreign concept to you lot.

-M

---

Stop acting so superior, Moony. If my actions _really_ bothered Sirius, he'd be stopping at nothing to get his precious diary back.

- J

---

Well, right now he is chewing your hand to make you let go of it. You didn't notice?

-M

---

Oh, so he is. What ya doin' there Sirius?

- J

---

Grrr. Mauling you.

- S

---

Why?

- J

---

Le'go o' m'book hmmf grrr.

-S

---

James, I'd be careful if I were you; you might get rabies.

-M

---

Hmm, good point. Listen here Sirius, I'll give you back your book, if you let us psychoanalyse you here, right now, and work out why you're such a prejudiced arse. It's actually quite a good deal for you. Most psychiatrists charge buckets of gallons per hour.

- J

---

Ahh, how about...NO. Why would I let you talk about the most horrible phases of my life simply to fulfil some weird urge you people seem to have to know why I do what I do? It's perverted, I say.

- S

---

Fair enough. I'll just keep reading from the diary then...

- J

---

Ooh! Ooh! Skip to the part where Sirius gets locked in a broom cupboard by his evil ex! I love that part!

-P

---

Oh, right...here it is. "That bitch Monica tricked me today. She told me to meet her in the broom cupboard after lunch, and that she would...make all my greatest fantasies come true. Like, you know, that one I told you about before. So, anyway, I went there, all excited and stuff, and I opened to the door...and nothing! Next thing I know, someone pushes me inside the cupboard and locks the door. This is when I discover I don't have my wand with me. So there I am, locked in the freaking cupboard, _without_ Monica, or Tania. That complete bitch! How dare she play on my weaknesses like that! Last time I'm ever opening up to a girl." Hey, I think we've just come to a realisation here.

- J

---

Really? So Sirius' inability to hold a committed relationship is because of this encounter? I always thought it was because of some sort of trauma sustained from his negative experience of women at a young age, such as Bellatrix and his mother. Maybe it's a result of both?

-M

---

Yeah, I think it's a bit of everything really. He's pretty messed up.

- J

---

Merlin's beard! Do you people ever stop? Give me back that sodding book and quit it with all the Freudian bullshit!

-S

---

I think his anxiety at people knowing the truth stems from an inane fear of loneliness. He's afraid that if people knew the _real_ Sirius, we'd all just be so disgusted, that we'd leave him. And wittwe Sirius doesn't want to be all alone, does he?

- J

---

But we already think he's gross, and we haven't left. What's he worried about? I mean, if he didn't want us to think he was gross, then why does he leave his dirty socks all over the floor and drool on everything and chew up all of our shoes?

-P

---

That's not exactly what I meant, but you get the idea. Sirius, we're your best friends. There isn't much we _don't_ know about you, and whatever that is, I'm sure it's either unimportant or stuff we just don't need to know. But regardless, we've stuck with you for 6 years. There's very little that you could do that would surprise me. Hell, you could come out as homosexual, and I'd be like "really? That's great. Now go get me a butterbeer." See? No matter what, we aren't going to leave you. There's no need to be so defensive or fearful. We're here for you.....now, what page in this did you write down that happened with Jenny?

- J

---

James, you don't need to comfort me just because you made up a reason for me to be upset. Why do I even need to be here? You can have whole philosophical discussions with me and I don't even have to say a thing.

-S

---

...so you're not going to tell me what page it's on?

- J

---

Thirty two, James. Really Sirius, you should put in a contents page or an index or _something_. It's hard enough trying to even _read_ your illegible handwriting.

-M

---

Ah, here it is...Wow, this is really quite graphic. You could write adult novels, you could, Sirius.

- J

---

It's funny you should say that, I'm actually working on one. But I need an artist to do the illustrations.

-S

---

Oh! I can draw! Did you see my wicked sketch of Lily after she came out of the bath! How realistic was that!

- J

---

Oookay, that's enough of that (honestly, the _first years_.)

-M

---

What's the book about? Are you making a picture book? I love picture books!

-P

---

It's about this young, naive young witch who moves from a small country-town to a big city, and meets a tall, strong and handsome man, and they –

- S

---

Sirius! Please! I don't think this is an appropriate topic for the Advice Thingy. Especially with first years reading.

-M

---

Why are first years reading this thing anyway? It's not like we called it "Fluffy Bunny's Help Line" or anything. What business do they have here?

- J

---

James, I was under the impression that the purpose of this Thingy (there was one, once upon a time...) was to help the inhabitants of Hogwarts and provide them with useful advice, regardless of year level. There's no reason that this Thingy shouldn't be appropriate for first years, and every reason that it should.

-M

---

But it means we can't talk about the really _important_ things. It's annoying for us....OK, me. It's annoying for me.

- J

---

Moony, you're always going on about how I shouldn't be rude, and, last I checked, it was _rude_ to interrupt people. You hypocrite. I didn't even get to the orgy scene.

-S

---

There's an orgy scene?

- J

---

Yes. There's nine.

- S

---

I am _so_ reading that book.

- J

---

The first one goes for about 20 pages. I'm pretty damn proud of that scene

-S

---

What's an or –

- P

---

I'm _not_ going to be the one to explain that to you Pete. Ask someone else. Or consult a book. Geeze, it's like talking to a child!

- J

---

Right, I think that's quite enough. Let's get back to the question.

-M

---

There was a question? Are you sure Moony? Are you sure we're not here just to talk about my awesome book?

- S

---

Yes. Yes I am sure. And 'awesome' isn't exactly the adjective _I'd_ use to describe your book.

-M

---

What adjective _would_ you use then, Remus?

- J

---

Hmm...well it depends really.

-M

---

Depends on what?

- J

---

On whether or not Sirius is in a forgiving mood.

-M

---

...how about you tell us the Sirius-friendly adjective word first, and then the other one. Come on, he's not going to notice. He's too busy trying to break my fingers to get his diary back.

- J

---

It's like they're made of steel!

- S

---

Er, well, the Sirius-friendly word would be something like "underwhelming" and the other would be "rubbish" or one of its more deprecating synonyms.

-M

---

Really? I though it was rather brilliant. But I guess his book is just too...hardcore for your taste.

- J

---

Or maybe my taste doesn't really include trashy, graphic, adult novels written by the second most illiterate person I know.

- M

---

I'm not illiterate. I read that book you kept yapping about. You know. _That one_. I read plenty.

- S

---

Who's the first most illi-whatsit person?

-P

---

Oh, uh, it's no one. *ahem*.

-M

---

Nice cover. He won't suspect a thing.

- J

---

Yeah, well, in any case, that's enough chatter about Sirius' (insert adjective of your preference here) book. We should get back to the question, which I think we actually managed to answer, surprisingly enough.

-M

---

Really? Fancy that. This whole "answer the question" thing seems to be so easy, we manage to do it without even realising. Aren't we great?

- J

---

Well, in summary, we all became friends in our first year after a long exchange of pranks and two weeks of counting phoenix feathers.

-M

---

And what a fun two weeks they were.

- S

---

Does anyone want a pineapple?

-P

**

* * *

**

Dear Marauders,

Why is everyone so afraid to say "Voldemort"? It's just a name and I heard that it's not even his real one!

**-Confuzzled**

---

They're not afraid, just embarrassed. I mean, it's a pretty stupid name right? Voldemort. It sounds like a fungus or a particularly severe STD.

-S

---

It sure does. I mean, if it's not his real name, why the blazes would you choose something like "Voldemort"? Why not something like "Lord Evil" or "Prince of Doom". Voldemort is hardly intimidating. It almost sounds like Moldy-wort. Ick.

- J

---

I don't think "Lord Evil" or "Prince of Doom" are any better than "Voldemort". Sure they don't sound like diseases, but they're just as tacky.

-M

---

I think "Philip" is a better name.

-P

---

Well, if _you_ were a potential dark and powerful wizard, Moony, bent on dominating the world and causing mass destruction and suffering, what name would you choose?

- J

---

Well, I don't see what's wrong with my name as it is personally. Why would you change your name, just because you're megalomaniacal? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

-M

---

But if you were trying to become this big, dominating, scary person, you'd want a kind of intimidating name? 'Remus' won't strike fear into the heart of a baby, let alone millions of adults. I guess this person thinks that 'Voldemort' will.

- J

---

If I was going to take over the world, I'd change my name to "Lord Deius Maximus". Sounds impressive, no?

- S

---

Well, I don't really want to strike fear into the heart of a baby, or adults, so I suppose it's not really an issue. Then again, what makes a name frightening? Is it the name itself? Or rather what we associate with that name?

-M

---

That's a good point, Moony. Perhaps that hits the heart of this question: are people fearful of this name because the name itself sounds scary, or because of what the name is associated with?

- J

---

Do you think he officially changed his name? Like, legally, to 'Lord Voldemort'? Wouldn't that be a weird trip down to the Ministry?

- P

---

Yeah, and what's with that Lord thing anyway? I mean, it's not _official_ so it doesn't really _mean_ anything. You can't just give yourself the title "Lord" and expect everyone to just accept it.

-S

---

Yeah, I mean, I could change my name to King James, but it doesn't mean I'll instantly get a castle and subjects. It means nothing.

- J

---

Just like how no matter how many people insist on referring to Remus as 'God', it doesn't make him one. Same goes for Sirius and the term 'Sex God'. These names are completely meaningless

- J

---

It's more for his ego I think. Then again, we can't really assume this Voldemort character thinks like the average witch or wizard. I mean, he doesn't come off as particularly sane does he? What with the delusions of grandeur, violent homicidal tendencies and obsession with domination.

-M

---

Yeah, good conclusion; he's insane. But the fact remains, he seems to be some-what powerful. And a crazy man with power is therefore quite scary. I wouldn't trust a crazy person with a sharp pencil, let alone a wand and a knowledge of centuries of dangerous, dark magic spells.

- J

---

He's a wanker with a stupid name. He'll probably get his fifteen minutes of fame as the evil serial killer before he's locked in Azkaban for all eternity. If things get too out of hand, Dumbledore will just pop him one, like he did to that other evil dark wizard. You know what they say, history repeats itself and all that.

-S

---

Yeah, you're probably right, Sirius. I mean, how powerful can this guy be? It's not like he has his own army or anything. He's just some young, rebellious trouble-maker, trying to mix up the system. An extremist. Since when to people like that ever actually achieve anything to be worried about?

- J

---

What about those muggles? There was a German guy. Hitler, I think his name was...

- P

---

I don't think you really want to know the answer to that question, James. But anyway, what Sirius said is true; we have Dumbledore so really, what's the worst that could happen?

-M

---

Are you people not listening to me or something? I'm pretty sure there was a muggle called Hitler who did a lot of damage a while back, and people thought it would be fine, 'cause they could stop him. But they didn't. And bad stuff happened...I'm kinda sketchy on all the details...

- P

---

No I was listening. There are several figures in History that did a lot of damage, to muggles and wizards alike, that was why I told James he didn't want to know the answer to his question. But still, Dumbledore is the most powerful wizard of our age, not to mention he has years of experience that Voldemort doesn't, particularly experience in defeating dark wizards.

-M

---

I guess. But all I'm saying is that we probably shouldn't be so dismissive of this person. We don't know _what_ he's capable of.

- P

---

I don't think I can remember Peter being this involved in the Advice Thingy before...it's eerie. Like I've stepped into some kind of night-marish reality where Pete's the smart one, and Moony is the bumbling fool. Spooky.

- J

---

Bumbling fool? I resent that James.

-M

---

Well, _sorry_. I call 'em as I see 'em.

- J

---

Besides, that would mean me and you would have to swap too and I'd be the pathetic one with no luck with girls! How could you say such a thing James?

-S

---

*sigh* I though we'd been over this already. I don't have "no luck with girls". I'm in a serious relationship with the love of my life. I'd say I'm very lucky. And you're slutting around, as usual. Yes, I'm glad we're not in this alternate universe where everything is backward.

- J

---

Wait... is it opposite day? Do I have Moony's brain? Is that what you're saying?

-P

---

Oh, good, everything's still normal.

-S

---

Thank Merlin.

- J

---

What's all that about? "Thank Merlin"? I'd give anything to be me! I mean, I already _am_ me, but if I wasn't, I'd give anything to be me! I mean, with my dashing good looks, smouldering eyes, flawless skin, boundless talent in all areas and tremendous popularity with the ladies, who wouldn't?

-S

---

I can't imagine.

-M

---

Exactly!

-S

---

Well, you miraculously manage to overlook your horrible family life, your alcoholic-ness, that period of spiralling depression a few years back, fear of loneliness and intimacy (yes, we're bringing that back up, 'cause it's relevant! ) and of course, that terrible thing you were telling me about before. You're life isn't all peaches and cream!

- J

---

Actually, Sirius' life does involve a lot of peaches and cream. He always goes to the kitchens to get some when he's hungry.

-P

---

I think James was being metaphorical, Peter.

-M

---

What's meta-fory-cow?

- P

---

Moony, can we trade him in for someone less dense?

- J

---

No James, that's unkind.

- M

---

Are you talking about me?

- P

---

We should trade him in for a hot girl. Someone like Natalie

- S

---

No Sirius, that's superficial.

-M

---

Merlin Moony, would it pain you to say 'yes' just once in your life?

-S

---

No.

-M

---

See what I mean?

- S

---

I am not having this conversation.

- M

---

It looks like you already are. You don't agree to anything. Remember your birthday? Sirius was like "Hey, Moony, how about we get some strippers for your party" and you said "No, Sirius, I don't want any scantily clad women dancing at my party." and so _I_ said "You want scantily clad men then? Because it's your birthday, you can have what you want." and then you went all red in the face and stormed off, taking a case of firewhiskey with you. You don't say yes to _anything_.

- J

---

Maybe you're just incapable of making good suggestions (and was it _really_ necessary to repeat that?)

-M

---

Yes it was. And your face right now is the reason. I wish I had a camera right about now.

- J

---

Ha ha! Yeah, bloody hilarious. And oddly reminiscent of how it looked when you first said it.

-S

---

He looks like a radish...well, he's the shade of one, anyway

- P

---

Look, really, this conversation doesn't have _anything_ to do with the actual question, I really think –

-M

---

You know what I reckon, after re-living that story, I think Moony might be gay. Otherwise, why say no to the damn strippers!

- S

---

Sirius, I said no to both, because honestly you two ought to get your heads out of the gutter.

-M

---

He only said no to the female strippers. He just walked away at the male ones. Maybe you're right, but how do we explain Cassy then? It's not like she looks manly or anything. She's pretty damn feminine.

- J

---

I walked away because that's always the best thing to do when you two are being like that. Besides, it has little to do with preference and more to do with a sense of decency. Not to mention Professor McGonagall would explode and subsequently burn down the entire school if you tried to sneak strippers into the common room.

- M

---

Not really, she'd probably just confiscate them and keep them locked up in her office.

-S

---

Haha, she would too. We should so hire male strippers just to see if she does that. We'll tell them to walk around the halls outside our common room, and when she comes on her nightly inspection, we'll see _exactly_ what she decides to do with them. And if we get photos, we could get a life-time of leverage to get out of detentions, forever!

- J

---

Isn't that black-mail?

- P

---

...so? It's McGonagall. Besides, we'd be doing her a favour. She looks like she seriously needs to get laid.

- J

---

That is one of the most brilliant plans I've ever heard! Maybe if she's not so uptight all the time, she won't give us as much homework, and I won't get in detention for smirking all the time. Brilliant James, brilliant.

- S

---

I think I want to cut off my ears.

-M

---

What? Going all Van Gough on us then? Don't be daft, Moony, how will you ever hear my awesome plans if you have no ears?

- J

---

No, no no no no. Not brilliant. And please, please, for the love of Merlin _please_ do not say the words "McGonagall" and "laid" in the same sentence ever again. Ever.

-M

---

*sigh* fine. But there's no need to be so melodramatic. Put the damn knife down. All you're achieving is cutting your own hair.

- J

---

How did he get a knife in the first place?

- P

---

I think he transfigured it from a ruler when he started talking about cutting off his ears. Quite silly really. Perhaps we shouldn't have finished that case of firewhiskey before starting this.

- J

---

Says you. I work best when I'm slightly drunk. I never go into an exam without downing a few bottles first.

- S

---

Sirius, that's irresponsible. You should take your studies more seriously.

-M

---

See how Moony's eyes are slightly unfocused? That's a tell tale sign that he's ever so tipsy. Luckily, he doesn't get drunk as easily as we do, 'cause of the whole...condition...thing.

- J

---

And I say you take your studies too seriously! What do you have to say about ttthat, Mooony?

- S

---

And now Sirius is slurring his words. It's about now that the alcohol is getting to his head.

- J

---

Are you talking to me?

- P

---

Yes Pete, pay attention.

- J

---

You should _always_ pay attention in class, Peter, _always_.

-M

---

Never!

-S

---

Great, now they're both getting...silly.

- J

---

Why aren't you raving drunk like them?

- P

---

Sirius, dear sir! I do believe that I wasn't talking to you at _all_, so stop butting in!

-M

---

Stop talking about my but!

-S

---

Oh, I'm already raving. I'm just better at coping with it. Plenty of practice.

– J

---

But, Sirius, I wasn't –

-M

---

I shaid shtop it! Merlin Moooooony, don't you ever shut up about buts?

-S

---

Excuse me!?

-M

---

You're excused.

-S

---

These two are bloomin' lunatics. Well, Sirius more so, but still. Moony's going on, raving about buts. It's like a mad house in here. And I'm the only sober one...er...sane one. Since I don't see giant clams when I'm sober...usually...

- J

---

What is going on? I'm tired. And hungry. And a dragon. Fwoooshh!

- P

---

I do not go on about buts! You're face is a buts!

-M

---

Look! Now he's even seeing them everywhere!

-S

---

Does no one else see the damn clam! Oh look, a shiny pearl...

- J

---

Don't trusht it Jam! I'sh a trap!

- S

---

A trap? Oh noes! Help me Sirius, it's eating my foot!

- J

---

It's _James_ not _Jam_, Sirius, I fink you've 'ad a bi' too much to drink.

-M

---

No, I think you haven't had enough. Moon face.

- S

---

Quick, James! Cut it off with this herring!

-P

---

Thanksh Pete! That was close.

- J

---

Thish is all jusht a bi' shilly in my opinion. You people need some professional help. Like, shurgery or somefink. Doctor! Get the anashfetic!

-M

---

OK, Sirius, what was that stuffsh called that you brought today? That green stuff that we drank.

- J

---

Absinthsh. Great stuffffsh.

- S

---

No wonder I'm seein giant clammbs and bouncy balls.

- J

---

Stop talkin' 'bout me balls!

-S

---

Fwooossshhhh! Burn chair, burrnnn from my mighty dragon breath!!

- P

---

Shtop breathin' on me Pete!

-M

---

I wasn' talkin' 'bout yer balls, you perv.

- J

---

Stop callin' me a perv, you balls!

-S

---

You guysh, this is gettin' stupid. We should probably stop the thingysh before it gets too embarashing.

- J

---

Well, you're face ish pretty embarashin' as it is, sho I shuppose yer righ'.

-S

---

My fash is awesome. your fash is stupid.

- J

---

Moony, wha' wash the thing 'bout that quesh'n? eh?

-P

---

Well, you shee, people, they dun like Voldeshmort, and they dun like talkin' 'bout 'im. I fink it'sh cosh they fink he's shcary or shomfink. But really, are people shcared of 'is name? Or ish it like, all a scham? Like Jamesh face? Y'know wha' I mean?

-M

---

Exactly! I dun shee why he isn't a pie either! I fink pies are great fun!

-S

---

But he ain't tryin' to be fun, ain't he? He tryin' to be shpooooooky.

-P

---

I fink ish 'cause he's a real wankersh. And he doesh bad fings. But no need fear hish name. 'Cause hesh a wankersh.

- J

---

Shtop! Shtop! I fink we should all be finkin' about the little people! FINK 'BOUT 'EM I SHAY!

-M

---

I fink *hic* we all needish to shober up before the nesh queshion…

- J

---

I fink you're a bi' blurry aroun' the edges...

-M

---

I fink!

-P

---

I fink you should all shtop talkin' 'bout my ballsh and butsh and... and... and yeah!

-S

---

Why doesh dhis shuff make ush more drunk as time pashes?

- J

---

Thish ish the SHPESHIAL shtuf Jamesh! Thash why ish so good! The guy at the shop shaid it wash a _shpecial_ brew. Y'know? Innit great?

-S

---

Ish awshome. Lesh _alwaysh_ drink dish.

- J

---

I fink I'm gonna puke....

-P

**

* * *

**

Dear Marauders,

**My little sister and I are muggle-borns. I was put in Hufflepuff, so no problems there, but she was recently sorted into Slytherin. SLYTHERIN! What am I going to do? They'll eat her alive!**

**-Doesn't Want To Be An Only Child**

---

Well, they _are_ known for their cannibalistic tendencies...

-S

---

Wow, I didn't think it was even possible for a muggle born to be sorted into Slytherin. This has to be, like, a historic occurrence.

- J

---

Well, uh, that _is_ a predicament. I mean, while I still fully believe that there is a certain degree of prejudice towards the Slytherin house, it doesn't change the fact that there's a certain degree of prejudice _within_ Slytherin house too.

-M

---

She should just keep her head down and hope they don't notice her. Slytherins are scary.

-P

---

I don't think there really is much she can do, other than not bring it up, and find some friends within her house who will help protect her from the more prejudiced bullies. She's really in a difficult position, isn't she?

- J

---

I've always thought that anyone sorted into Slytherin probably deserves it.

- S

---

Please, Sirius, at least _try_ to give some helpful advice.

-M

---

That's kind of a harsh view to take, Sirius. I mean, no-one _deserves_ to be in Slytherin...apart from Bellatrix, your brother, Snape, probably, and, I dunno…OK, a few of them, but no muggle-born deserves to be exposed to that kind of torment all the time.

- J

---

Well, _fine_, I suppose you're right, I mean, she _is_ a muggle-born. In which case she should just stock up on Zonko items, to keep them away, whilst enjoying the ensuing hilarity at the same time. I'd suggest cursed locks, for her trunk and dorm door, and maybe some fake sweets and things. She should jinx the drapes on her bed, to keep them slimy Slytherins from smothering her in her sleep. You know, just a few safety precautions.

-S

---

Saying things like that might be scaring her, in case she's reading this right now. Surely you don't think they'd really try to smother her in her sleep, do you?

- J

---

I wouldn't put it past those bastards.

-S

---

I'm sure they're not _all_ bad. She should just try to make a few friends! There must be one or two friendly people there, I mean, statistically speaking it's improbable that they're _all_ homicidal.

-M

---

Yeah, I mean, isn't Sophia in Slytherin? You "dated" her for like a week

– J

---

She was blackmailing me actually. I'm serious (haha, that's my name!). But really, I wasn't so much as dating her as acting as her manslave. Until I got sick of it and erased her memory (it was an accident, I swear! I was provoked I say!), and she, uh, well, you know, she sort of needs therapy twice a week now (not my fault, she started it). But, you know, she deserved it. Clearly.

-S

---

OK, well what about Krysia? Or Catlin? Or Demeter? They're all in Slytherin. Don't tell me they were all blackmailing you too.

- J

---

No, just Sophia. Those others were just hot, if a bit arrogant and snobbish and annoying. Still, you know, can't be too choosey.

-S

---

Nice, Sirius. Classy.

-M

---

But they weren't really homicidal, were they? So maybe not all Slytherins are that bad...wow, I can't believe I actually said that. I think my head's going to explode at the very suggestion.

- J

---

Admitting it is the first step, James.

-M

---

To what? Being brainwashed? Snap out of it James! Don't let them take you!

-S

---

... you really didn't need to _hit_ him Sirius.

-M

---

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

-S

---

Ow, fuck off Sirius. I think this is a serious revelation. I remember now, something I had tried to block out in my memory; back in first year, I used to be friends with this guy called Steve. He was in Slytherin! I remember I was stuck with him in potions once and he was actually...nice. Wow, this is insane. Everything I once believed is being turned upside down...

- J

---

I remember Steve. He gave me a candy cane at Christmas once.

- P

---

Oh yes, he was in one of the inter-house study groups I set up in fifth year. The only Slytherin to come unfortunately, I wonder why...

-M

---

But this is maddness! Slytherins are dirty scum! It's impossible. There's no such thing as a "nice Slytherin". Do you hear what you're saying James?!?

- S

---

But can't you see Sirius? We were wrong. Not _all_ Slytherins are bastards. Sure, most of them are, but there's got to be more than Steve who's half-decent.

- J

---

I am certain there are. It's not hopeless after all! All your sister needs to do is befriend the nice Slytherins.

-M

---

Are you people mental? What's gotten into you all! I never thought I'd see the day when my own trusted companions would utter the words "nice" and "Slytherins" in the same sentence! All is lost! ALL IS LOOOOOST!

-S

---

Oh, stop overreacting Sirius. I mean, it's not like it's the first time we've been wrong about something. Remember that time with the pixies? You used to think they were evil, malicious creatures who wanted to steal your eye-lids. And now you're not afraid of them anymore.

- J

---

I was _never_ afraid of them, I merely greatly disliked them.

- S

---

Oh please, whenever they were mentioned in 'Care of Magical Creatures' you would scream and cover your face.

- J

---

... but pixies ARE scary...

-P

---

What is this? Lies! Complete lies! Why must you insist on sullying my good name at every opportunity? Traitors

- S

---

Well, you'd have to actually _have_ a good name for us to sully it, so I think you're safe from that.

-M

---

He's got you there Sirius.

- J

---

Anyway, James is perfectly correct in saying that you're being horribly melodramatic about the whole affair. If he can overcome years of hating all Slytherins on principle to accept the fact that a few of them are decent people, then so can you Sirius.

-M

---

Well, that's different. James has _clearly_ gone insane.

-S

---

What? I am perfectly sane. I'm not even drunk. Or high. I'm finally talking perfect sense for the first time in years.

- J

---

It makes sense to me.

- P

---

See, even Pete understands.

–J

---

You have no idea how happy it makes me to see so many of us making sense all at once. I didn't think it was possible.

-M

---

You've all gone completely nuts! Well, except for Moony, he was always completely nuts.

-S

---

Stop trying to resist Sirius. Join us. You'll be happier.

- J

---

Yes, jooooin ussss!

- P

---

Jooooiiiinnnn ussssss!

- J

---

Never! Oh James, how could you let them get to you? YOU WILL BE AVENGED!

-S

---

James, Peter, that's not helping.

-M

---

Submit! Submit!

-P

---

Join the dark side, Sirius. We have cookies.

- J

---

Honestly, you lot.

-M

---

Joooiiinnn us Mmmoooooooonny!

- J

---

Stop it with that ridiculous voice James. You're just making a fool of yourself, well, _more_ of a fool anyway.

-M

---

James, I don't think its working. Sirius is just scowling in the corner, muttering "Bloomin loonies" over and over.

- P

---

It's not working? How shocking.

-M

---

I think it's about time we FORCED him to accept the truth.

- J

---

Yay, another great plan!

- P

---

Yes, it calls for a new, elaborate, and highly dangerous plan. The best kind.

- J

---

Again, how shocking.

-M

---

What is your plan James?

- P

---

Well, there are a few avenues we could take. First option is a variation of the Imperius curse. Instead of forcing the victim...I mean, subject, to become a physical puppet, this spell seizes control of them mentally...

- J

---

...is that illegal?

- P

---

I shouldn't think so. I just invented it. The ministry doesn't even know such a spell exists...yet.

- J

---

... James, that's... I have no words... I can't _believe_ you've invented a variation of an _unforgivable_ curse, and plan to actually _use_ it on a human being, albeit a human being as deeply flawed as Sirius.

-M

---

What? Don't be silly Moony. This spell is practically harmless...well, I assume it is. It's completely untested. I wrote it in like 5 minutes during History. In theory, it should force us to brainwash Sirius without harming him…in theory.

- J

---

Have you ever written spells before?

- P

---

Yeah, heaps of times. It's not that hard.

- J

---

And how many times to the spells work?

- P

---

...work as they are intended to or work as in do something?

- J

---

Untested? In theory? This is sounding more dangerous by the second. Not to mention, I doubt anyone would consider brainwashing a person harmless.

-M

---

You people have no faith. I would _never_ purposely harm Sirius with a spell I didn't have complete confidence would work. And brainwashing people is harmless enough...well, it won't harm me...

– J

---

Well, not _physically_ harmful. It might be mentally or emotionally harmful though. Not to mention unethical.

-M

---

_Fine_, if you're so against the idea, we'll go with option 2.

- J

---

What's option 2? Not more spells, I hope. Does it involve cake?

-P

---

...not quite, but that was a good guess Pete. We'll give Sirius a cake, spiked with an "Impressionable Potion", a potion which makes the drinker highly impressionable and willing to accept everything he's told. Another of my genius creations.

- J

---

That's barely better than brainwashing. But I suppose if it's one or the other...

-M

---

Plus the potion tastes of vanilla.

- J

---

Oh, can I have some?

- P

---

I think you're impressionable enough Pete.

- J

---

Hmm... I still don't approve, but I suppose it could be worse.

-M

---

Stop leering your disapproval Moony and have some faith. Sirius will be completely unharmed by the potion, AND he will be more open to our ideas. Finally, we have a way to squash his moronic rebelliousness and control him like a good little minion. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

- J

---

Well, James, that was _extremely_ reassuring. I now firmly believe that you have Sirius' best interests at heart, and are not in fact loosing your mind. You have convinced me. I am convinced. And I am not being sarcastic at all.

-M

---

... I'm confused, I could have _sworn_ he was being sarcastic, but then he said he wasn't....

- P

---

I was Peter, well done, you're very observant.

-M

---

Thank you for the wave of support Moony. Now, where did I put that meat cleaver...

- J

---

Are you people sane again yet? The corner is boring.

-S

---

J-J-James, what a-are you g-g-going to d-do with that b-big knife?

- P

---

Oh, it's to open the potion flask. The wax I used to seal it is really stubborn. Why? What did you think I was going to use it for?

- J

---

Hey James! I see you're back to your normal self, are we going Slytherin hunting?

-S

---

Well, we're certainly going to be _hunting_ something. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

- J

---

Moony, he's scaring me!

- P

---

What? I don't get it. What are we hunting?

- S

---

Um. I'm starting to think we should lock James up somewhere. Like a cupboard. Or a box. Or something. For the good of the world and everyone in it.

-M

---

Um...I'll tell you right after...we have a tea party!

- J

---

A tea party? Sweet. I'll go get the adorable cutlery

- S

---

...Moony, I'm confused!

- P

---

You know, I knew I shouldn't have said I was glad people were acting sane for once, I must have jinxed it by saying it aloud...

-M

---

Now that he's gone, I will have time to make the cake! Or the Suggestible Delectable Cake, as I like to call it.

- J

---

Mooooony, make James stop grinning like that. He looks like a banshee!

- P

---

I agree with you entirely. James, stop smiling like that. You're going to frighten Peter to death.

-M

---

Is _this_ better?

- J

---

WORSE! *squeal*

- P

---

James, I've got everything we need for the tea party. Is the food ready?

- S

---

Just in time Sirius. Here, have some _cake._

- J

---

No thanks, I don't really like cake myself. I prefer pie.

-S

---

Oh really? Well, it's a good thing I already knew that so...*magic spell*, I made a pie instead

- J

---

I don't know, you're acting awfully strange mate, I mean, suggesting a tea party out of the blue? That's awfully suspicious, especially considering that not so long ago you were a raving loony. You haven't invited any _Slytherins_ have you?

-S

---

No, of _course_ not. Why would I invite Slytherins? They can't even get into our common room.

- J

---

Oh good, just checking. You know, it's good to be certain about these things.

-S

---

You know Sirius, I think you're perhaps a little paranoid about this whole Slytherin business.

-M

---

Of course. Now, why don't you have some pie; it's your favourite.

- J

---

Slytherins are slimy, untrustworthy scum. Did you say it's chocolate blueberry pie?

- S

---

...Sure, whatever you like.

– J

---

Awesome. Thanks mate, you're a true friend...wow...is that vanilla?

- S

---

Not exactly.

-M

---

Yes, it's all going according to plan!

- J

---

Yeah, it sure is going to plan!

-S

---

Wow, it's already working.

-P

---

Absolutely!

-S

---

Of course it is. _I_ made it. James is the bestest person in the world!

- J

---

He sure is!

-S

---

James is far more good looking than Sirius.

- J

---

Yeah, now that I think of it, he is.

-S

---

James is being childish.

-M

---

Definitely, extremely immature.

-S

---

What about the Slytherins?

- P

---

No, James is the best person in the world!

- J

---

Of course he is.

- S

---

James should stop this nonsense and reverse the potion now.

-M

---

Yeah, he should. C'mon James, stop this nonsense!

-S

---

...no, I can't, because...we haven't mentioned the Slytherins yet...

- J

---

Then do it! Sirius is starting to scare me. HE'S NOT BLINKING!

- P

---

Is that...? Is he _frothing_ at the mouth?

- M

---

Um, fine. Slytherins can be good people sometimes.

- J

---

Of course they can. Slytherins are my friends. I LOVE Slytherins.

- S

---

James... I think you've broken him.

-M

---

Now he's turning purple. James, why is he turning purple?

- P

---

Um, oh shit. I think something went wrong. I _knew_ those newt hairs smelled funny...

- J

---

Slytherins are the nicest people in the world! I want to give them all a piece of pie to show my appreciation of how lovely they are!

-S

---

Ah! He's taking the poison pie!

-P

---

Slytherins are the most awesomest people in the world. I want to kiss them all right now...

- S

---

James! He's leaving the common room! Quick! We have to go after him!

-M

---

Slytherins! Oh, Slytherins! I love you all! Do you want some of this pie? It has vanilla in it!

-S

---

Don't worry, I'll just body-bind him so he can't leave....there we are...nice and safely restrained.

- J

---

James, I think you should reverse the potion before he does something really crazy

- P

---

Yes James, reverse it now, I think maybe it was a little more potent then you realised.

-M

---

Well, the thing is...I don't exactly...*have* an antidote for the potion...at this point...

- J

---

Brilliant! Just brilliant! Does it at least wear off? Could we just lock him in the dorm until he's normal again or something?

-M

---

Um, well, you see, I've never tested this potion on anyone before...I never had the chance to, until now. So, it might wear off, it might not. I _might_ be able to make a reversing potion. Let me just check my notes...

- J

---

We could take him to the hospital wing?

-P

---

No, we might loose him on the way. And what if there are Slytherins there? At this point we have no idea what would happen if he came across them. He could... well, I'd rather not think about it.

-M

---

Yeah, he might try to dry-hump them. That would be hilarious...

- J

---

James, don't make me glare at you.

-M

---

...OK, sorry...look, I think there might be a way to reverse the potion...it's hard to read 'cause I wrote all this late at night...after a few bottles of firewhiskey, and my handwriting tends to get slightly illegible when I'm drunk, but I _think_ it should work...in theory...

- J

---

I love Slytherins! I want feed them pie!

- S

---

You have a lot of theories, don't you?

- P

---

And a lot of firewhiskey. Anyway, it's the only choice we have really. Still though, I only hope this doesn't make things worse.

-M

---

OK, according to my notes, we could simply reverse the potion by feeding him...the skin of a coconut...or have him chew on mandrake leaves. I'm not exactly sure which. I don't know if that says "Pixie tears" or "dung beetle rears". And I made the potion ages ago, while slightly drunk, so I don't remember which one I used...I remember them both being there...

- J

---

Aren't mandrake leaves poisonous?

- P

---

Yes, but only if you swallow them.

- J

---

Great, this is just _great_. Isn't there _anything_ we can do, that wouldn't potentially kill him?

-M

---

Slytherins are wonderful people! They are beautiful, misunderstood souls!

-S

---

...no. And the mandrake leaves won't kill him. We'll just have to make sure he doesn't swallow.

- J

---

Why did you make this potion drunk anyway? Isn't that dangerous?

-P

---

...you can do potion-making sober?

- J

---

Yes James, you can do _many_ things sober. You should try it one day.

-M

---

Hmm, I dunno. I've been making potions while intoxicated all my life, and I've been getting top marks every year. I don't see what the big deal is...

- J

---

It's _dangerous_ James, someone could get hurt! Or turned into a lunatic!

-M

---

Where do we get the ingredients from? Sirius is getting foamy drool all over the floor and he looks like a plumb

- P

---

*sigh* relax Moony. This was one time. I've never had a potion back-fire before. And we can get the antidote ingredients in the potions' store cupboard in the dungeons.

– J

---

Finally. Let's go!

- P

---

But wait, there's something you should know. If we reverse the potion, it will literally reverse it and wipe his memory. He won't remember a thing about what happened, let alone have a greater appreciation of Slytherins.

– J

---

Well, I think it's best that he doesn't remember. He'd probably become a tad hostile otherwise. It doesn't really matter that he won't have changed his mind, at least not at this point. We can always try to persuade through different means. The important thing is that we all live to fight another day.

-M

---

Well, I suppose a clueless Sirius is better than a delirious one. I'll go get the coconut skin and the mandrake leaves. You guys keep him distracted while I'm gone.

- J

---

Hey Moony, I just had an idea!

- P

---

Well, it can't be any worse than half of James' ideas. What is it Peter?

-M

---

Well, since the stuff James is getting is going to wipe Sirius' memory, we could have some fun and tell him whatever we want, 'cause he won't remember afterwards!

- P

---

Why doesn't anyone ever follow up the phrase "we could have some fun" with "and curl up in a chair reading a book"?

-M

---

Slytherins! Who wants a free hug?

-S

---

Books aren't fun Moony, that's why. Come on, what do you want to tell Sirius? Oh, let me go first. Sirius, you are an annoying, slimy, mean troll and I hope snapping turtles eat your face. Your turn Moony.

- P

---

I am a troll. Slytherins are awesome.

- S

---

Reading _is_ fun!

-M

---

Yeah, I love reading! Almost as much as I love Slytherins!

-S

---

Nice one Moony!

-P

---

I was being serious.

-M

---

..._sure_ you were. Sirius, Moony loves you, almost as much as his precious books.

- P

---

I love the Moon and Slytherins.

- S

---

No, not the moon, _Moony_. This guy, right here. Him.

- P

---

Sirius, Peter is really a Slytherin in disguise. If you want to give him a hug, I'll take of the body-binding spell James put on you, how about that?

-M

---

Hey, Moony, I was only having a laugh!

-P

---

Really? I LOVE Slytherins! Aw Pete! You never told me you were a Slytherin!

-S

---

Here, give me a moment to take off the spell and then you can hug Peter as much as you want.

-M

---

Moony, I didn't mean anything by it really! I'll say that books are fun! C'mon you wouldn't to this to me, would you?

-P

---

There! Spell's all gone! Have fun.

-M

---

AHHHH! FUCK YOU MOONY!

- P

---

Peter! Have a big hug to show you how much I LOVE you and all the other Slytherins too!

-S

---

GET OFF MEEEEE! I'LL GET YOU BACK FOR THIS REMUS!

- P

---

Hey guys, I'm back...what in Merlin's beard is happening here?

- J

---

HELP ME JAMES! I'M BEING VIOLATED!!!

- P

---

Sirius accidentally got loose and accidentally thinks Peter is a Slytherin.

-M

---

By accident.

-M

---

Oh, right. _Sure_. Accident. You 'right there Pete? You look uncomfortable.

- J

---

Don't just stand there, HELP ME!

- P

---

What, really? Right now? Are you sure?

- J

---

I hate you all.

- P

---

_Well_ if you're going to be like _that_...

- J

---

I LOVE SLYTHERINS!

- S

---

James, do you have the antidote? Perhaps we should reverse the potion now.

-M

---

Yeah, I've got the coconut skins here. We'll try that first. I managed to bake it into a muffin for easy eating.

- J

---

You really like baking don't you?

-M

---

Well...I'm practicing for Lily. She said she likes a man who knows how to cook. And it's really fun.

- J

---

JUST GIVE HIM THE DAMN MUFFIN!

- P

---

Hey, Sirius, look, I've got a special Slytherin Muffin for you.

- J

---

Oh, really? Thanks James, you're almost as good as a Slytherin!

- S

---

...yeah, usually, I would take than as an insult

- J

---

*nom nom nom* *eating noises*

---

Thanks again James, that was the best muffin ever!

- S

---

So, did you like the muffin better than Slytherins?

- J

---

No, of course not. Slytherins are way better than muffins, no matter how good they taste

- S

---

It didn't work James. You better have a back-up plan. No, Sirius, Moony was lying. I'm _not_ a Slytherin. Get off me now!

- P

---

James, are you serious? After all that your antidote doesn't even work? This is preposterous.

-M

---

Well, there were two options, remember? Keep your bloody pants on, it's OK. We'll try the mandrake leaves, and if they don't work...we'll just have to kill him. Or hit him over the head until he gets amnesia. Whatever's simpler.

- J

---

I love Slyther--- wait what? Where am I? Peter, why are you hugging me?

-S

---

I say kill him. GET OFF ME SIRIUS!

- P

---

Well _fine_, but you were the one hugging me. Geeze. And who are we killing? Is it a Slytherin?

- S

---

Wait, I think it might have actually worked!...I mean, of course it worked. I knew it would all along.

- J

---

Well that's a relief. It just took slightly longer to take effect.

-M

---

What worked? What are you lot _on_ about? Not still talking about your fabled "nice" Slytherins are you? You people are crazy.

-S

---

And what _do_ you think about Slytherins, Sirius?

- J

---

I hate 'em, of course. Have you not been listening to me?

- S

---

Well, it looks like we've got the old Sirius back. Shame though. I reckon I could've gotten used to a more affectionate and purple Sirius.

- J

---

I couldn't have.

- P

---

What? Affectionate, purple Sirius? Did I miss something?

-S

---

No, no, nothing at all. Just shut up and have a cookie. I made some this morning during break.

- J

---

Anyway, we were just talking about the question, isn't that right? About the advice we're _supposed_ to be giving? About the entire forgotten reason for the existence of this Thingy? Isn't that right?

-M

---

Sure. Question. That's what you always say. Come on everyone, dig into these cookies. It took me ages to get the batch right.

- J

---

Is there anything strange in them?

- P

---

No, why do you ask?

-J

---

You seem to be fond of lacing your baked goods with things.

- P

---

Yeah, that's right, the question. You lot were going on about how this muggle-born girl should just make _friends_ with those blood-thirsty sons of bitches. I remember that.

-S

---

Well, let's just ignore Sirius' prejudices for now. Slytherins can be good people. I'm sure your muggle-born sister will find some nice people to befriend and help her survive.

- J

---

Impossible. Slytherins are all bloody wankers. Fact.

- S

---

Whatever Sirius. Shoosh or I'll make you purple again.

- J

---

Well, I think we can come to a compromise. Your sister should try to make friends with the Slytherins (we recommend Steve) and, if all else fails, riddle the Slytherin common room and dormitories with Zonko's products.

-M

---

Purple? Seriously, what has gotten _in_ to all of you lately?

-S

---

*sigh* You don't want to know. Seriously.

- J

---

I wish I _siriusly_ didn't know.

- P

_

* * *

_

A/N: And that us why you should never make potions while intoxicated. I hope you have all learned from James' example. :D

_You know, it was real fun trying to write them drunk. I know, from first-hand experience, it's not *that* realistic, but it can be hard to write drunk dialogue (and Shoey was opposed to actually being drunk when writing). I think we mostly just ended up adding a whole lot of "shh"'s. But I think it works. _

_Wow, chapter 28. I'm continuously surprised that we've managed to come this far. And I'm continuously surprised that we still manage to shelf out more chapters week after week. And I'm also often surprised by my own genius XD lol. _

_Thanks for reading (I hope you guys enjoyed it), and thank you so much for all the questions and reviews for last chapter. There were a few of them there which are very *very* interesting, and I can't wait until we get to them. I can tell you now, chapter 34 is looking *very* memorable._

_So, keep sending in your awesome questions and reviews (cos we love to read them) and as always, I'll see you guys next chapter. _

_Later_

_- Tiger-Cub684_

_Chapter 34? Well, clearly Tiger is the organised one in this operation. (Seriously? 34? You're capable of thinking that far ahead?) _

_Anyway, this chapter was incredible fun to write, what with all the drunkenness, psychological analysis and backfiring potions :D I hope you all had just as much fun reading it :)_

_So, next Thurday I'm afraid I have to head back to school and commence Year 11 (woe woe!), so the updates might slow down a little. We'll still try to do as much as we can, especially with Tiger at uni now (uni's a bludge! A bludge I say!) Also, I'm disappearing off to Europe for the majority of April, so, unless we're super organised and write some beforehand (cook show moment: here's some I prepared earlier!) April's going to be updateless._

_Anyway, thanks again for all of your reviews and questions! We really appreciate it :D Your input makes the Advice Thingy so much more… better (behold the wonders of my vocabulary!)._

_- discombobulated . shoe_


	29. Chapter 29

A/N: Chapter 29, wherein there is OOCness, drug accusations and blatant lies.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

Hey guys! Just a simple question but, is it wrong to love werewolves?!  
You see, wolves are my favourite animals, and I've always wanted to meet a real werewolf! Wolves are pretty amazing! But when people ask my opinion on werewolves, and I smile and ramble on in their defence, they frown at me and say its disgraceful! Werewolves aren't disgraceful at all are they!? They're special! Normal people who occasionally turn all wolfie-like, so what? That's pretty cool! Am I the only one who thinks of werewolves like this?

Wolf-lover

---

I don't see anything wrong with your views at all and I sincerely doubt you're the only one who isn't prejudiced towards werewolves; of the entire wizarding population, there's bound to be more than _one_.

-M

---

Yeah, at least four.

- P

---

Thank you for that Peter, my faith in the world has been restored.

-M

---

What Peter meant to say (although he failed miserably, as usual) was that he could probably name at least four individuals who aren't prejudiced, as a means of proving your point. Like me, for example. I'm not prejudiced against anything...except most Slytherins...most pure-bloods....Slayers...Welsh people...but that's it. Oh, and Red-head-haters.

- J

---

But werewolves can be pretty damn irritating. Never doing anything fun, always reading or studying, calling poor innocents illiterate and annoying... you know, not to mention all the chocolate. I mean, how can you eat that much chocolate and not explode? .... um, because I, er, read in an article once about, uh, an annoying werewolf who ate lots of chocolate... yeah, that'll do.

-S

---

I am continually surprised by your tact and subtlety Sirius.

-M

---

We should stop him from talking in the future.

- J

---

That sounds like a marvelous idea. In fact, we probably should have done that a long time ago.

-M

---

I suggest a gag. Here's a spell I invented for just such an occasion...

- J

---

Wait! What is this?! I was merely offering a favorable opinion and now you people are trying to gag me? What for? What did I doooo?

- S

---

The world's just better off this way, Sirius. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but we have no other alternative.

-M

---

Get back, you people! Back, I say! You'll never silence me! NEVER!

- S

---

This is ridiculous. All we're trying to do is stop him from blurting out all our secrets. Maybe we should just wipe his memory. That'll stop him for good.

- J

---

.... not that we _have_ any secrets... heh heh...

-M

---

Right. Yes, of course....

-J

---

Merlin, if anyone's being obvious it's Moony! Gag him!

-S

---

Yes, gag Moony! He told McGonagall about my cheat notes for the exams. I NEEDED THOSE!

- P

---

You shouldn't cheat Peter; it defeats the purpose of going to school in the first place!

-M

---

While I don't condone cheating, you know more than anyone how stupid Peter is. Do you really want him to FAIL, Moony? What kind of friend _are_ you?

- J

---

But James, if he cheats then he'll never learn the course work!

-M

---

So? He's Pete. He doesn't need to know the course work. We all know he'll probably end up as some boot-shine boy in Diagon Alley anyway. What use is an education to him? He can't even remember how to tie his own shoe laces! (No offence, Pete.)

- J

---

Huh? Who are we talking about?

- P

---

Honestly James, you're lecturing _me_ on being a good friend. For shame.

-M

---

I'm just saying what we all think! I mean, it's not like Pete aspires to become some kind of famous scholar or anything. His own expectations don't go much further than eating waffles for breakfast.

- J

---

Ha! Moony's doing that "I disapprove!" frown again! Seriously, we need to take a photo of that face one day, it's bloody hilarious.

-S

---

Not true James. I also expect to have roast ham for dinner.

- P

---

Well, there you go. All of Pete's expectations are food-related. What use is an education, unless it's a cooking course?

- J

---

It pains me greatly to hear those words, James. "What use is an education"? That's blasphemous I say.

-M

---

Let me put it this way: giving Pete an education is about as good as teaching a vampire how to cook with garlic. It's just dangerous.

- J

---

Heh! Too right mate.

-S

---

... wait, aren't vampires _allergic_ to garlic?

-P

---

See, at least he knows that much. Yes Pete. Just like how you're allergic to learning.

- J

---

I remember when he broke out in hives after that intense Charms lesson. It's bad for his health.

- S

---

You two are terrible.

-M

---

No, I think _you're_ the terrible one, wanting to give Pete hives by making him learn. Shame on you, Moony.

- J

---

Indeed.

-M

---

You really should see a doctor about that sarcasm addiction of yours Remus, it's not healthy.

-S

---

No, not at all. It's about as healthy as taking a bath in toxic waste in the middle of winter. (I like similes).

- J

---

I wanted to be a doctor once.

- P

---

Really?

- J

---

Yes, but then I found out what a doctor was, and changed my mind. I don't like sick people.

-P

---

Yeah, doctors generally have to deal with a lot sick people. It's a good thing you worked that out so soon.

-S

---

Yeah. Good thing. After that, I wanted to be a politician. But my dad said the Ministry was already full of enough bumbling idiots, and didn't need another one. I'm not too sure what he meant.

- P

---

Merlin, do people in the world not know how to be supportive any more?

-M

---

I think we're being very supportive. You're the one who is setting Pete up for a life-time of disappointment by making him think he can achieve anything worthwhile. He'll just end up depressed. At least me and Sirius are being realistic about it.

- J

---

Really, why do I even bother with you two?

-M

---

Yes, why can't you bother someone else instead? Clearly, you don't get what we're trying to do here.

- S

---

No, I don't. No one ever knows what on earth you're trying to do.

-M

---

Well, _we_ both know what we're doing. It looks like you're the odd one out, Moony. Maybe you should take your leave

- S

---

_I_ don't know what you're trying to do either...

-P

---

Sure you do, Pete. We're trying to help you. But Moony keeps getting his uninvited big nose in the way.

- S

---

Sirius...are you implying that we should get rid of Moony? 'Cause that's kind of drastic.

- J

---

Why not? He only keeps bringing all our ideas down and being a wet-blanket. Maybe he _should_ leave.

- S

---

.... My nose isn't big...

- M

---

That's kinda harsh, Sirius. I mean, Moony's our friend! He's been with us since First Year. We can't just kick him out because he's sometimes annoying, or always going on about the "right thing to do". And the First Years (geeze, I think he may have an unhealthy obsession with them). Moony's important.

- J

---

Wow, James. I am so comforted by you ever-so-kind words.

-M

---

But James, if there's anything my family has taught me, it's that people are there to be used and then discarded. We've used Moony to cruise through school, and now it's over in a year or so. And, since I can't wait that long, we might as well get rid of him now. He's too much trouble.

- S

---

...Sirius, I am shocked. Since when do you listen to your family? And what am I? What usefulness do I serve? When are you going to get rid of me?

- J

---

When you run out of Gillyweed.

- S

---

Well, I'm glad to hear that our friendship means so much to you Sirius. Warms my heart it does.

-M

---

And Pete's only here until I can work out how to cook eggs in the shape of people. That's one awesome skill he has.

- S

---

What the hell has gotten into you, Sirius? Why are you acting like such a bastard! You're not the Sirius _I_ know

- J

---

The Sirius you know doesn't exist. It was all an act to fool you lot into being my "friends". But now that I don't really need you all anymore, I don't mind showing you the _real_ Sirius.

- S

---

I knew it would only be so long before he snapped.

-M

---

I don't buy it. Something's wrong with him.

- J

---

Aren't you people listening to me? You're all worthless scum!

- S

---

He sounds pretty convincing. And angry.

- P

---

There's always something wrong with him.

-M

---

Yeah, but I think this is something else, something new. I know for a fact that Sirius actually likes us. There was this incident back in Third Year, where I accidentally invented this potion which made me psychic. I learned far more that day about you all than I would've liked.

- J

---

You seem to accidentally invent potions a lot. I don't think that's safe.

-M

---

Well, potions _are_ my specialty...after transfiguration. Actually, I'm good at charms too. I think I'm just talented at Magic in general. And of course it's safe! I always use protective goggles.

- J

--

And a cup.

- J

---

I don't think that's what Moony meant...

- P

---

Anyway, I think you're right about Sirius. He is acting rather uncharacteristic. Are you sure he hasn't ingested any of your accidental potions lately?

-M

---

MUHAHA HAHA! YOU ARE ALL SCUM! DIE DIE DIE!

- S

---

Well, you mean since last time? I don't think so. I changed the locks on my potions stash in my trunk. There's no way he could've gotten in there. I think it's something else…

-J

---

Like what?

- P

---

I dunno. Some kind of spell?

- J

---

What? No spell is controlling me! Not at all! I am the real Sirius!

- S

---

Hmm, interesting....I'm pretty sure it's a spell.

- J

---

Aren't you listening! There is definitely no mind-control spell being used to control me! No spell! Shut up about the spell!

- S

---

Even under a mind-control spell he's still tactless and unsubtle. Typical.

-M

---

Indeed. I wonder who cast it? Who could _possibly_ be controlling him? Let's make a list of possible suspects. Who hates Sirius?

-J

---

That's gonna be a _long_ list.

- P

---

Slytherins, Snape, ex-girlfriends, teachers, his family, Snape, cats... Peter's right, the list does go on a bit doesn't it?

-M

---

Yeah. And don't forget all of those guys he's stolen girls from, and Filch, and Peeves, and the giant squid.

- J

---

It would probably be easier to write a list of all the people who *don't* hate Sirius. Us and the house elves in the kitchen. They love that he loves their cooking.

- P

---

Wait, us? Oh, I mean, yeah. Us. We don't hate Sirius.

-M

---

YOU ARE ALL PATHETIC WEEDS! AND YOU HAVE CHLAMYDIA! AND YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE CAT FOOOOD!

- S

---

Hmmm, I agree with Moony. Anyway, of all the people who hate him, how many of them are capable of casting such a spell?

-J

---

Well, that rules out Mrs Norris...

-M

---

I dunno. I swear I saw that cat charming fish to fly into her mouth once.

- J

---

So, who is doing it? I hope we find out soon. He's trying to pull my leg off. Get off me Sirius! I'm still having nightmares about what happened last week

- P

---

Anyway, whoever's mind-controlling Sirius, is having him insult _us_. Therefore, I think it's a possibility that this person has a grudge against us as well. So, maybe it's someone who hates all of us.

-M

---

Well, the prime suspects would be...Snape, Regulus, Bellatrix, Lucious (after we hexed him on Halloween to glow bright pink. That was hilarious), um...Neil the captain of the Slytherin quidditch team, and Chester, since he seems to think we're to blame for that suspension he got last month, and why his girlfriend of five years dumped him. Seriously, some people can't take a joke.

- J

---

Don't forget most of Slytherin house.

- P

---

And that Voldemort chap. I hear he somehow found out about me calling him a wanker.

- J

---

And maybe McGonagall is tired of thinking up new things for us to do in detention.

-M

---

Maybe. So, that's still a pretty long list. How are we supposed to narrow it down?

- J

---

Remus smells of rotten eggs, Peter is a moron, and James, James is the worst! How dare he give my wonderful brother acid pops?!

- S

---

Yeah, I say it's Regulus.

- J

---

That was easy.

- P

---

What? No, Regulus is not here! Not at all. Stop saying things! Morons.

- S

---

It's a bit late for that now. I see that being entirely too obvious runs in the family.

-M

---

Must be a "Black" thing. Let that be a warning to all you females, don't procreate with the Blacks. Your kids shall turn out to be as convincing as spinach and about as intelligent as corn...I think I'm hungry...

- J

---

Hey! That's my family you're talking about you muggle-loving blood-traitor!

-S

---

If it wasn't already clear that it isn't Sirius, I'd say _that_ makes is pretty obvious. Everyone knows Sirius _hates_ his family. Especially his corrupt little brother. You clearly don't know Sirius very well, do you?

- J

---

...Shut up! _You_ are the one who doesn't know Sirius...I mean, me.

- S

---

Busted!

-P

---

Really, this is what comes of inbreeding. A family of witless wonders. And I didn't think anyone could be as dense as Sirius.

-M

---

Moron. I told you, you weren't doing this properly. And now they know. The plan is ruined! - Wait, Bella, don't go - Shut up you moron, they can still hear us - Fuck! –

- S

---

Haha, and so Bellatrix is in on it too. I'm so glad I'm only _distantly_ related to them. Such moronic twats.

- J

---

Um, I hate to bring this up when we're all having such fun marvelling at how thick Sirius' family is, but shouldn't we be doing something? I mean, they do have him under a spell.

-M

---

I suppose. If we leave him like this, he might try to strangle us in our sleep. That could be annoying. Regulus, how are you doing this? And stop it now! Don't make me come after you. There's nowhere in the castle you can hide where I won't find you.

- J

---

Fuck, what do we do now Bella? - I thought I told you to stop talking to me! - Ow, you didn't have to hit me! - Just shut up and let me handle this – Ahem. We are _not_ going to relinquish control of this sack of meat until you give us _all_ your money! And stop abusing us Slytherins. Especially Lucious. Narssia won't shut up about that time you turned him pink.

- S

---

What about Snape? Don't care about him then?

- J

---

Of course I don't, he's a greasy git.

- S

---

_Really_, because there's a rumour going around that you two hooked up in Hogsmeade last week.

- J

---

What? Is that true Bella? How could you cheat on me?!

-S

---

Real mature James.

-M

---

I thought I said SHUT UP! Merlin, these bastards are right, you and your brother _are_ bloody thick. And I did _not_ do anything with that disgusting slime ball last week!

- S

---

Seriously, these two are more irritating than Sirius (an unimaginable feat, I know). We should really do something about this.

-M

---

But, he does a funny high voice when Bellatrix talks! It's hilarious!

-P

---

Well, maybe we _should_ do something about it. I can't wait to see the look on Snape's face when he finds out that Bellatrix is denying that their..."dates" ever happened. Poor guy. He's going to be crushed. You're a cruel bitch, Bellatrix.

- J

---

Hey, it rhymes!

- P

---

For the _last_ time, we did nothing! Whoever said we did will die a painful and prolonged death! We were so careful to cover our tracks, for Merlin's sake! How did this happen!?

- S

---

Haha, so you _did_ do something with Snape! I knew it! And to think I thought I was just making it up to annoy you! This is brilliant.

- J

---

Again, unsubtle. I'm beginning to think it's a genetic disorder...

-M

---

FUCK THE LOT OF YOU! I've had enough with being embarrassed in front of the entire school. This was the worst idea you've ever had, Regulus! I'm leaving! - Wait, Bella, no! How _could_ you! I thought you said you loved me! You heartless bitch! –

- S

---

This is more entertaining than one of those muggle soap operas.

- J

---

And twice as dramatic. What's going to happen next? Bella is pregnant with Chang's love child? Wow, that would be one hell of a twist.

- P

---

Well, I think that actually may have worked at freeing Sirius. Hello Sirius? Is that you?

-M

---

Fuck off you Marauders. See what you've done? *sob*

- S

---

Not quite, but at least we got rid of one of them. Now all we need to go is send Regulus packing, and we'll have our predictable, lovable old Sirius back

- J

---

Isn't there just some way we could break the spell? Use practicality, logic and perhaps a knowledge of magic to solve the problem? I mean, we are at a _school_.

-M

---

Well, we could try that, or we could talk to Regulus more. Hey, Reg, how you been lately? We haven't really talked since you tried to throw me off the roof that time when I was staying at your house a few years ago. I hear you're dating Bellatrix. How's that going for you?

- J

---

I FRIGGEN HATE YOU JAMES POTTER!

-S

---

That well, eh?

– J

---

I can't say I condone this sort of method, but we do have a friend in need.

-M

---

Fuck this; you can have my stupid brother back. He's a worthless piece of crap anyway. And never talk to me again, Potter, or I'll kill you. Bastard.

- S

---

...charming lad, he is. I'm sure he'll be okay once he gets over the whole "being dumped on the Advice Thingy" part. There's plenty of other ladies out there, and Bellatrix is certainly no prize. I'm sure she and Snape are very happy....or abusive. I always wondered what she'd be like in a relationship...and it sounds scary. Anyway, you with us again, Sirius?

- J

---

…What just happened?

- S

---

I think it worked! Yay!

- P

---

And once again he seems to have no recollection of the event. It makes you wonder, really.

-M

---

What event?

-S

---

Hey Sirius, did you know that your brother was dating your cousin? How disgusting is that?

- J

---

For some reason, I'm not as shocked as I really should be.

-S

---

And then she dumped him for Snape! Wow, your family is really messed up, eh?

- J

---

You don't need to tell me, I had to live with them.

-S

---

Wait, are we still doing the advice thingy? Because I'm really hungry. Why hasn't Moony tried to get us back on topic yet?

-P

---

I'm not entirely sure of that myself Peter. I think I've just given up on you all and your non-existent ability to focus on actually giving advice.

-M

---

Well, since Moony's not up to it, allow me to save the integrity of this Advice Thingy, as always: Yes Wolf-Lover you are not the only one who doesn't hate werewolves. I'm sure if you look hard enough, you'll even find an entire club for werewolf enthusiasts. Or you could invade one of those support groups. You're not alone, even if we are the minority. And I think we've also established that Sirius' family would make a great subject for a soap opera. And Bella is dating Snape; pass it on, people!

- J

* * *

**To the marauders, whoever you may be.**

**  
I was making me some potions in my lab today, and then I kinda tripped and there was an explosion. For some reason, I landed in this kitchen, with a whole bunch of evil monkeys. I got them to put a sex-changing potion in random peoples' food, and then I found this red and yellow room... It hurts my head. Anywho, where are we? And, what time-period are we in? And can anyone give me directions back to R.V.?**

**  
Hiroko Alex**

---

...someone's been spending far too much time smoking something. Sounds more potent than Gillyweed. More like Maple roots....you need help.

- J

---

I think you and this person have something in common James, experimental potions and all that.

-M

---

While off your face on Gillyweed no less, you sure you haven't got a twin Prongs?

-S

---

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I _don't_ have a twin. And real funny, guys. I've told you, I've been clean for weeks! Give it a rest. Stop with the druggie jokes.

- J

---

Hey, James, we just think you ought to see some help. This denial is going to ruin you, mate.

-S

---

I'm telling you all, I'm clean! You can check the dorm; I've thrown out the stash.

- J

---

YOU DID WHAT??!!?

- S

---

I got rid of it. I don't use Gillyweed anymore. Sorry Sirius, but it's for the best.

- J

---

That's great to hear James! You're making real progress.

-M

---

Really now? How would _you_ feel is I decided to just give up drinking and throw away my firewhiskey stash! I thought you were my _friend_ James.

-S

---

Relax Sirius, okay, I _didn't_ throw it away. But I _did_ put it somewhere where I won't be temped to use it. And I left you about half of it. It's in your trunk, under that history book you've never opened

- J

---

Thank you James! I knew I was friends with you for a reason. You're the best!

- S

---

And I was foolish enough to see a glimmer of hope, how could I be so naive.

-M

---

........ evil monkeys?

-P

---

At least I'm not using much anymore. Don't give up on me just yet.

- J

---

Not using _much_? I thought you said you weren't using _any_? Lies, James, you're living in a web of lies.

-M

---

Well, okay, me and Sirius were up on the roof the other night...but that was the first time in weeks. It's not like I use it almost everyday, like it was at one point. That was too much. I think I passed out in Defence Against the Dark Arts. But I've learned my lesson from that. And had it beaten into me by Lily. I've still got the bruises on my stomach.

- J

---

She's quite abusive, isn't she?

-P

---

...well, yeah, when she's worried. But the make up "date" afterwards made it all worth it.

- J

---

See what this is doing to you? You're getting into abusive relationships and jeopardising your education! And Sirius, you're not helping any. Not to mention it's dangerous. You know, healers have recently discovered that chronic smoking of gillyweed can lead to fish-lung later in life? Think of what you're doing to your _health_.

-M

---

Geez Moony, stop being so dramatic.

-S

---

Yeah, chill out. Smoke some gillyweed.

- J

---

No James! Fight it! Sirius may be lost, but you can still save yourself!

-M

---

Why am I always the one being left for dead? Cold-hearted bastards.

-S

---

And I think you're overacting there Remus. I _am_ top of just about all my classes, and Lily loves me. She only hits me 'cause she shares your opinion about drugs and wants me to stop. But she says it's okay sometimes. See? Compromise. I only smoke once a week, and she gets to talk to Chang. It's a great relationship. And don't worry Sirius, _I_ won't ever leave you for dead. Unlike Moony, I actually _care_ about my friends

- J

---

It's for your own good James, your own good!

-M

---

You use that excuse for _everything_. Like stealing my cheat notes all the time. And not letting me copy your homework.

-P

---

What harm is it doing? Gillyweed's one of the more passive substances. It's not like Mandrake buds or Alihotsy leaves.

- J

---

Yeah, Gillyweed does nothing, other than cause wondrous visions...and manic euphoria. Hmm, it's my third favourite thing after being drunk and being on a "date".

- S

---

No hope, there is no hope.

-M

---

You can hardly talk. I mean, were you or were you not smoking it with us all last month after that epic prank we pulled on Filch? I believe you were. Who are _you_ to lecture us?

- J

---

.... well, er, that's different. Clearly. ... It was the peer pressure I say!

-M

---

Peer pressure my ass. You were the one who suggested it. You're such a hypocrite!

- S

---

There was peer pressure to suggest it. Anyway, you're ruining my reputation, _someone_ has to set an example for the First Years.

-M

---

Yeah, and it looks like you're not fit to hold that responsibility anymore, Moony. If we left it to you, they'd all be smoking in their dorms instead of attending class! What an outrage!

- J

---

Oh, really? Now who's being the hypocrite?

-M

---

How? I'm all for attending lessons. Drugs are for weekends. I have a strict policy about that, Moony. You should know, you're usually there.

- J

---

Yes, well, be quiet!

-M

---

Ouch! I don't know how you'll recover from that _devastating_ blow, James.

-S

---

Yes, well, now that Moony has been revealed for the fraud he is, let us address the question, and try to help this poor questioner out. (And you should probably keep your druggie opinions to yourself Moony. I don't want you to corrupt anyone else).

- J

---

Wait wait.... have James and Moony swapped places? Why is Moony the druggie and James the responsible one now? What did I miss?

-P

---

Moony has been replaced Peter. His fraudulent ways have been uncovered and he shall be left to his druggie misery.

- S

---

Oh, you are all _ridiculous_.

-M

---

The poor, drugged up fool doesn't even know what he's saying. Druggie.

-S

---

Indeed. Moony is clearly off his face into a fantasy land of muggle technology and Shakespeare. Unlike the rest of us, who are here, in England, at Hogwarts castle, in the roaring 1970's. And I have no idea what an R.V. is, let alone know the directions to one, so I'm afraid you're on your own there. (See what I did? I insulted Remus and answered the question in only two sentences. Pretty good, eh?)

- J

---

Marvellous James, you are _so_ terribly talented.

- M

---

It's OK, Moony, caaaaalllm doooooowwwnn.

-S

---

Oh, for the love of Merlin!

-M

---

Oh no! James! He's becoming a violent schizophrenic!

-S

---

Sirius, you're being ridiculous.

-M

---

You've _changed_ man, ever since you started doing those drugs, you've _changed_. You're not the Remus I used to know.

-S

---

I know. Geeze. He's the perfect example of what can happen when you go overboard. Take that as a lesson Kids, just do drugs in moderation.

- J

---

Sometimes I wonder why I'm even friends with you.

-M

---

If I had a sickle for every time I heard that...I'd be even more rich than I already am...

- J

---

You're here for the drugs. James is your supplier.

- P

---

Oh _really_.

-M

---

See, he's so high he can hardly hear you.

-S

---

I am _not_ high Sirius.

-M

---

Such a waste of potential. He could've been so great, so powerful. But now he's just a dirty tramp, and all because of drug abuse.

- J

---

_I'm_ a dirty tramp?

-M

---

Look! He admits it. First step, Remus. I'm proud of you.

-S

---

See, we're making progress already. There's hope for you yet, Remus my old friend.

- J

---

You people are _so_ -- ugh, do I even need to say it?

-M

---

Supportive? Loyal? Thanks, mate.

-S

---

We know what you're trying to say, Remus, and you're welcome. We love you too.

- J

---

That's not exactly what I was going to say.

-M

---

Oh really? Then what?

-S

---

I would tell you, but my prefect sense of decorum says 'no'.

-M

---

See, he's just too afraid to admit how much he needs us right now. It's okay Remus, we're _here_ for you.

- J

---

Oh, I really wish you weren't. You have no _idea_ how much I wish you weren't.

-M

---

He's just trying to push us away because he thinks we'll only leave him in the end. That's only the drugs talking! This is what you've done to yourself Moony!

-S

---

Yeah, what you need is reassurance! I'd suggest a group hug, but I still remember what happened last time. Instead, Pete, you hug him. Go on, it's from all of us.

- J

---

But why me?

- P

---

Do you _want_ Remus to become a depressed pile of drug abusing worthlessness? Do you really wish that on one of your closest friends???

- J

---

...no, of course not.

- P

---

Then go hug him, dammit!

- J

---

I'm fine Peter, really. Perhaps you should all return to the question? I have a feeling it will take a while to decipher.

-M

---

You would know, wouldn't you? Stoner.

-S

---

No, no, the question's already answered. Stop changing the subject. Peter, I don't care that Remus tells you, if you don't hug him right now, I'll turn your ears into shrubs! He needs us!

- J

---

Fine, fine. No need to bring my ears into it.

- P

---

No, really, I'm fine, I'm-- oomf! ergh! I think you're suffocating me!

-M

---

I said _hug_! Not strangle. You're really not good at this, are you?

- J

---

Don't yell at me! I'm only doing what you said!

- P

---

Air! Need.... air...

-M

---

Somehow, I don't recall telling you to try and kill our dear, deeply troubled friend. Just get off him. Clearly you're not going to get it right.

- J

---

Look, could you all just stop this nonsense, it's getting old.

-M

---

.... YOU'RE getting old.

-S

---

Indeed. Drug abuse does cause early aging (at least in appearance). I think I can see a few wrinkles already

- J

---

You're all utterly useless.

-M

---

No, your face is -

- S

---

No. Stop right there Sirius. I thought you got over all that back in Fourth Year.

-M

---

....I thought your face got over it in fourth year...yeah, you're right. It just isn't as fun anymore.

- S

---

Well, I'm glad we cleared that up.

-M

---

Now we just need to clear up your drug addiction.

-S

---

Stop it. Stop it now, or I will hand _all_ of your firewhiskey over to McGonagall.

-M

---

No, don't do that! Do you really want to turn our beloved teacher and House Head into an alcoholic? How could you, Remus? Addiction is not something you should spread around!

- J

---

OK, fine. This is all getting quite out of hand. _You're_ getting quite out of hand. Anyway, in response the question we were _supposed_ to be answering: making experimental potions whilst intoxicated or under the influence of drugs is not a good idea. Just look at James. Also, James does not know what an R.V. is. _I_ do not know what and R.V. is. I'm not sure many people do. And, for the record, I am _not_ a drug addict.

-M

---

_Great_, he's back to square one: denial. There's just no learning with you, is there?

- J

---

*sigh* here we go again..

- P

---

Oh, quiet you lot.

-M

* * *

**I have a problem. A guy problem. I like this guy but he has a girlfriend, and to add to this mess of madness, he is also my best friend. I am in Ravenclaw I should be able to figure this out but I can't. And short of getting the poor girl expelled or cursing her into oblivion I'm just not sure what to do!  
**

**- Wants more than a BFF**

**---**

I dunno, getting her expelled sounds like a pretty good plan to me.

-S

---

That's a bit unjust Sirius, she hasn't done anything _wrong_.

-M

---

Well, it sounds like she shouldn't be selfish about it. I mean, maybe this guy and his girlfriend are really in love. In which case, she should probably try to get over him and find someone else.

- J

---

That could be it. But these sorts of things can be complicated. There are a wide variety of possibilities. Your friend may like you back, but think you're not interested and so dismiss his feelings. Or, he may only have ever considered you a good friend. I suppose the safest option would be to wait, if their relationship doesn't work out (without the help of sabotage that is) then you can make your move. And if it does, then you know he doesn't have feelings for you and you can carry on with your life and try to get over him. I suppose.

-M

---

Ah, predictable Moony. Always with the safe option. My advice is sabotage away. I can give you some _great_ tips.

-S

---

Nah, Sirius, I agree with Moony here. Interfering with someone else's relationship isn't cool. Unless you have proof that there's something wrong, and you therefore need to intervene, but otherwise, no, that's just cruel. I mean, I'd hate it if someone tried to break me and Lily up simply because they wanted me for their self. When it comes to relationships, you have to consider the feelings of both people involved.

– J

---

But James, if all you ever do is wait and do nothing then everything will just pass you by! You have to take action! Besides, what I'm suggesting isn't _really_ sabotage. Just a sort of nudging along a path they're bound to take anyway. Getting them there a bit faster. It's _charitable_ really, my way they don't have to waste time gaffing about, and can get straight down to business.

-S

---

Trying to woo someone's girlfriend/boyfriend isn't being very considerable of the feelings of the person's involved. Nor is it honourable. I know _you_ have no problem taking whoever you like regardless, but _nice_ and _considerate_ people have the sense of decency not to go after someone who is already exclusive. You have to respect the boundaries of the relationship. And those boundaries don't include seeing whoever else they want on the side. A relationship is about exclusiveness. It's the whole point!

- J

---

Exclusiveness? Maybe for you. But that's _so_ boring. Life if about being exciting and spontaneous. You can't let something as silly as "exclusiveness" get in the way.

- S

---

Clearly. Committed relationships are so droll; five-minute flings are all the rage. Really, Sirius. Your insight astounds me.

- M

---

Hey, I take offence to that. It's more like fifteen minutes.

- S

---

I stand corrected, my deepest apologies.

-M

---

Yeah, well, you _should_ be sorry.

-S

---

I was being sarcastic Sirius. Sarcasm. You have heard that word before haven't you?

-M

---

No, I've _never_ heard of this sarcasm thing you speak of.

- S

---

Haha, good irony, Sirius.

- J

---

Do you even know what irony _is_ James?

-M

---

Ironing? Isn't that some muggle thing?

-P

---

Of course I know what irony is. Do you know what FUN is, Moony?

- J

---

Oh, he's got you there Moony.

- S

---

Oh, good one. Hilarious.

-M

,

---

Of course it's hilarious. I'm James, not Moony. I know how to crack jokes. Unlike _some_ people. Mr. Calling-McGonagall-a-sexually-frustrated-hag-isn't-funny-at-all

- J

---

I _never_ said that. When did I say that? Never. You, sir, are making things up. You slanderous fiend.

-M

---

Sure we are. And Peter's top of the class.

- J

---

...wait a second. I'm not top of the class...am I?

- P

---

I have fun. We've had this conversation, and I'm pretty sure we came to the conclusion that I have fun.

-M

---

_Reading_ isn't fun.

-S

---

It is if you actually know how to read.

-M

---

Haha, I've got to side with Remus there. Nice call.

- J

---

What? You betrayer! You're changing more sides than the French!

- S

---

_I_ can read. See. R-E-A-D-I-N-G.

- P

---

That's _spelling_, not reading, Pete. And Sirius, I haven't seen you actually read in years. And the comics in the Daily Prophet don't count.

- J

---

They do so count. That is some literary genius right there. You can take your 'classics' and shove them up your –

-S

---

Sirius, please. Think of the First Years.

-M

---

Yeah, think of those who are more literate than you. And be ashamed.

- J

---

Yeah, well, YOU should be ashamed. Of your FACE... no wait, of your MUM'S FACE. Yeah, take that. Tossers.

-S

---

You know, it's the stupid and the over-compensating who divert everything with petty jokes and insults.

- J

---

I'm sure you'd know all about that wouldn't you?

-S

---

I'm not the one resorting to "your mum" jokes.

- J

---

Haha, James insulted Sirius...I think. I dunno. Whenever he says something smart like that, it's usually an insult.

- P

---

You say that now, but this is really all just a manifestation of you boundless envy of my unbridled manliness and popularity, a deep jealousy that has been building up since you were a First Year and noticed how much better my hair is than yours.

- S

---

Bravo, Sirius, Freud would be proud.

-M

---

...right, that's _exactly_ it. It all comes down to my jealousy of your hair. Whatever you want to believe, Sirius.

- J

---

Yeah, exactly. You can't deny the truth James, the truuuuuuuuuth.

-S

---

Honestly, Sirius, you are _impossible_.

-M

---

Truuuuuuuuuuth, Moony, truuuuuth.

- S

---

_Great_ he's doing that annoying thing again. Stop being a prat Sirius.

- J

---

You're just scared of the truuuuuuth James. I knew you wouldn't be able to handle it. Truuuuuuuuth.

-S

---

If you start quoting bad muggle movies again, I swear I'll gag you with your own socks.

- J

---

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!

-S

---

That's it, Pete, hold him down for me.

- J

---

But, he keeps _wriggling_. It's worse than when he's a dog............. I mean, than when he's, uh, _pretending_ to be a dog. And, um, woofing. And biting things.

- P

---

And sniffing people's backsides.

-M

---

And drooling on my sheets (seriously, how does he even get to them? Do you sleep on my bed or something, Sirius?)

- J

---

What? You people are talking nonsense. I don't do anything like that. Although...I do take naps in some strange places...

- S

---

I _knew_ it. Stay off my bed!

- J

---

Yes Sirius, you never know what's been on there. It's not hygienic I tell you.

- M

---

I can tell you _exactly_ what's been on my bed. Me. and occasionally Lily. And now, apparently Sirius. Anyone I'm missing?

- J

---

...I didn't want to say anything...but well...you _do_ have the comfiest mattress.

- P

---

Yes, well, you see? I bet it's just swimming with all sorts of germs and vermin (no offence Peter) and fleas (no thanks to Sirius) and all sorts of unsanitary things. Let this be a lesson to all of you.

-M

---

Great. I'm going to have to set up trap spells and wards to keep all you filth off.

- J

---

Good man James, upholding sanitation standards in the interest of public health and safety. I'm proud of you.

-M

---

Yes. And I don't want Lily catching any fleas or STD's because of Sirius.

- J

---

What's an STD?

-P

---

It's an acronym which stands for Stupid Tosser Disease, I'm afraid Sirius's case is very severe. There's no hope for him, no hope at all.

-M

---

Hey, you people don't know anything! Stop spreading rumours! I don't have anything. But if I _did_, it wouldn't surprise me if Lily got it. Since, you know, she loves me way more than that tosser. And by that I mean James.

- S

---

Ooooooooooh, low blow.

-P

---

...Don't make jokes like that Sirius. You're going too far. I know you're _not_ sleeping with Lily. Now shut up.

- J

---

Yes Sirius, if you go around saying things like that, James is bound to put some sort of potion in your hair. That's right, your _hair_. And then you would make a fuss for _weeks_ and poor, innocent bystanders such as myself would never get any peace and quiet.

- M

---

Oh no, not my hair! What would Lily have to hold on to then when I've got her pushed up against the broom cupboard walls?

- S

---

I have a very bad feeling about this. Just a hunch. It has something to do with the sudden chill in the air, and the purple colour of James' face.

-P

---

...I thought I told you to stop.

- J

---

Shit. He looks _really_ mad

- P

---

Okay, right, let's not do anything we'll regret. It's his STD James, he can't help it, he's very ill. Let's all take a deep breath, and calm down. Okay?

- M

---

Yeah, ill enough to f*** her last night

- S

---

Garragh!

- J

---

Wow, James just jumped on Sirius and now he's strangling him. I can't believe he managed to jump over the table...

- P

---

I don't have the energy to deal with this. Sometimes I think we need to lock those two in a dungeon and leave them there for a week or so. Or, you know, maybe a bit longer. I'm sure I could get used to the blissful quiet. Maybe one day I'll even stop looking over my shoulder every two seconds to make sure no one's standing behind me with something green and slimy to put it down the back of my shirt. One day....

-M

---

Gaaagh, Help...me...

- S

---

No Sirius, I'm afraid you deserve it this time. Well, that's not to say you didn't deserve it all the other times too.... But you deserve it especially this time.

-M

---

HOW DARE YOU SPEAK SUCH LIES ABOUT MY LILY FLOWER, YOU BASTARD!

- J

---

...Moony, do you think we should do something? Sirius is turning blue.

- P

---

DIE YOU LYING TWAT!!

- J

---

Sirius is _always_ turning strange and unusual colours. It gets tiresome after a while. But, yes, I suppose if he suffocated there would be a bit of a ruckus... James, if you wouldn't mind ceasing your violent revenge, we could all go to the kitchens or something... and maybe take Sirius to the hospital wing...

-M

---

Lily...chokes...me...better...when....we...fu....

- S

---

HE DOESN'T DESERVE MEDICAL ATTENTION!

- J

---

Be that as it may, do you really want to spend the rest of your days wasting away in prison? Because that's what will happen James. Prison. And wasting away. _Gratuitous_ amounts of wasting away. And weeping. There will be much of that too, especially from you. It will be terrible and waste-y and weepy and believe me James, it's just not worth it.

-M

---

And...I'll...be...fu**ing...Lily...while...you're...gone...

-S

---

NOT IF YOU'RE DEAD, YOU WON'T!!

- J

---

Good work on the swearing-filter spell, Moony. It _did_ come in handy

- P

---

Yes, well, someone needs to think of the First Years. I'm sure we've already caused irreparable trauma, I don't want to be held responsible for any bleeding eyes, because honestly, those two just can't seem to _restrain_ themselves.

-M

---

Lily...likes...it...in...the...** -

- S

---

You know, it's like Sirius doesn't care that James is strangling him. Because I'm pretty sure that that glint in James' eye is the murderous one. Does Sirius _want_ to die?

- P

---

Maybe. Or maybe they're having some sort of competition, Who Can Get Their Face To Turn The Most Amusing Colour? It could be that too. My vote's on James, I like the sort of splotchy redish purplish pink thing he's got going on. Sirius is just a boring blue colour. Although arguably there could be some purple in there too. Maybe indigo.

-M

---

I...f**ked...Lily...ha –

- S

---

What the bloomin' hell is going on here?

- L

---

Lily!

- J

---

I keep telling them that we're going to get interrupted if we keep doing the Advice Thingy in the common room.

- P

---

James, why are you strangling Sirius? You're not usually a violent person.

- L

---

He kept saying the most terrible things about you! I was protecting your honour.

- J

---

What kinds of thinks was Sirius saying about me?

- L

---

You don't really want to be asking that question.

-M

---

Oh hey Lily. Nothing. I wasn't saying anything at all.

- S

---

He was claiming that he...that he...*whisper* deflowered you

- J

---

Did he now…

- L

---

Yep, I heard him!

- P

---

So, you, Mr Black, were making these outrageous claims, lying just to get my poor Jamsie all riled up?

- L

---

...ah...maybe…

- S

---

I don't _like_ liars, Mr Black. Do you know what I do to liars?

- L

---

Eep!

- S

---

She's very scary!

– P

---

...do you make them cookies?

- S

---

No. I throw them out windows.

- L

---

Oh shit –

- S

---

Lily Evans: enjoys sunsets, long walks on the beach and throwing Sirius off of tall towers.

- P

---

*window smashing noises*

---

NNNNOOOOOOooooooo!

- S

---

Wow, great throw.

- J

---

I don't like bastards who say things like that. I mean, I know I'm irresistible, but really, enough's enough.

- L

---

Yes, indeed. You should play Quidditch, you'd far outshine James I'm sure.

-M

---

Hey, that's an idea. (And don't lie Moony. we all know I'm the best at Quidditch.)

- J

---

Sure you are, Jamsie. I don't know about Quidditch though. I wouldn't get to attack Sirius if he's on the same team as me.

- L

---

...is anyone else worried about Sirius? I mean, it _is_ a loooong was down to the ground from up here. He could be hurt.

- P

---

I doubt it. If there's one thing I know for sure about people like him, it's that you're never rid of them that easily.

-L

---

Yeah, he's like a cockroach. A very annoying, filthy, flea-ridden cockroach.

- J

---

Maybe the impact will teach him to stop spreading lies about me again. I mean, as if I would sleep with him. Why would I go second best when I've already got the nicest, hottest and best man in the school?

- L

---

Is it even physically possible for a cockroach to be flea-ridden?

-M

---

Oi, stop talking about my cock, you perverts.

-S

---

Sirius, mind your language. And how on earth did you get back here so quickly?

-M

---

Well, it's a very looong and interesting story. With many looong and interesting twists and turns and several looong and interesting sex scenes, and several more looong and intersting orgy scenes and at least five looooong and interesting scenes in which I torture James.

-S

---

...what have we told you about using your imagination, Sirius? It's dangerous. Now stop.

- J

---

I thought that was me.

-P

---

You too.

- J

---

You're just snooty because of all the torture. And because you weren't in _any_ of the orgy parts. Jealous bugger.

- S

---

Speaking of orgies, do you remember Jenna, Sirius?

- L

---

No. No I do not. There is no such person. Never was. Never will be. Ever. Jenna? I know no Jenna. In fact, I don't know anyone who's name even _rhymes_ with Jenna. Like... Lenna or Penna, or... something else.

-S

---

Sure. Well, it wasn't just Jenna. It was also Cindy. And Catherine. And do you know what they all told me the other day?

-L

---

Nothing. These people do not exist. Their non-existence isn't even in question. In fact, they don't exist soo very much that as soon as you mention their names you too will cease to exist.

-S

---

Oh, what did they say?

- J

---

They said that when they were on their "dates" with you, Sirius, you were so bad, they were faking.

- L

---

Hahaha, that's so funny....what does it mean?

- P

---

It has no meaning. It's one of the rhetorical Zen statements or whatever that warrant no further discussion.

-S

---

It means that Sirius isn't very manly. I mean, if you can't...do that (I'm thinking of the First Years, Moony), then...well, it's just bad. I don't know. I'm not a boy. I don't understand the mentality behind it, but I know it's an insult. Isn't that right, James?

- L

---

Yeah, that's it. Sirius is a pathetic twat. You never fake when we're together, right?

- J

---

Of course not. Don't worry James, if you were bad, I'd tell you.

- L

---

Thanks...I think...

- J

---

Great, and I thought you were over all the gross couple-talk. Get a room (but not our dorm because Lily might get the Stupid Tosser Disease from all of Sirius' drool on James' sheets. I'm not sure what the symptoms are, but I think it has something to do with being really irritating a lot of the time...)

-P

---

Haha, nice one Pete. Come on Lily, let's go to the Restricted Section of the Library and leave these people to their loneliness.

- J

---

Oh, I love the restricted section. It's so peaceful. I'll show you what I learned from this book

- L

---

....And by "book" she means "Sirius"...

-S

---

Don't you ever learn?

- L

---

*punch*

---

Ah, fuck, you broke my nose!

- S

---

You know, I could have told you that earlier. I know from vast oceans of experience that Sirius never learns.

-M

---

Let's go.

- J

---

...Moony, are James and Lily _always_ going to keep leaving us to go to mysterious places all the time?

- P

---

Fortunately.

-M

---

My beautiful nose! Ruined! Destroyed! My heavenly face marred forevermore! How will the world live with this devastating loss? Why? Why? Oh cruel world!

-S

---

Your nose isn't broken Sirius, stop being such a baby.

-M

---

He's getting blood in the carpet.

- P

---

Baby? So far I have been insulted, strangled, thrown out the window and punched in the face. Thanks for the sympathy, _friend_.

- S

---

You're welcome.

–M

---

It's not like you don't deserve it. I mean, I'm the dumb one, and even _I_ know not to keep an...taga...nisi...ng someone when they're choking you.

- P

---

Yeah...well...shut up.

- S

---

Very nice Sirius. Anyway, all violence aside, I'm fairly certain we were in the middle of answering a question before the advice thingy once again degenerated into blood, sweat and tears. And blotchy colourful faces. And, you know, the usual.

-M

---

Yeah. Colourful. Why did you do it, anyway, Sirius? Are you mad? Do you like getting beaten up by Lily? Are you a dominatrix?

- P

---

...how is it that you can't say 'antagonising', but you know the word dominatrix?

- S

---

He's spent too much time around you.

-M

---

I also know the word 'impotent'.

- P

---

And the word 'erectile dysfunction.'

- P

---

...let's just answer the damn question.

- S

---

I'm pretty sure it was another one of those 'love triangle' questions.

- M

---

Okay then. Take my advice; don't get caught up in a love triangle. Because some girls can hit. And like to throw innocent people out windows. It's too much trouble.

- S

---

I don't know if I'd call you innocent...

- P

---

And that's not exactly a love triangle. It's a straight line, but with a sort of prickly zig-zag thing within close proximity of it.

-M

---

Who're you calling a zig-zag? I'm at least a hexagon. Or a hexagonal prism, I trump all of you, I'm _three dimensional_.

-S

---

...di-men-ton-al?

- P

---

I wish James was here. He'd know what to do.

- P

---

No he wouldn't, he'd just laugh at Sirius some more. And maybe get stroppy and violent. And then rant about Lily. And then Lily would somehow be mysteriously summoned by the sound of his voice saying the nauseating words "Lily-flower" and they'd disappear again, much to the universal delight of all left behind. Speaking of leaving, I think this is rather enough silliness for today. We should all be off to bed and Sirius that doesn't mean what you think it means.

-M

---

Don't patronise me. And besides, how could I even think of something like that when my BLOODY NOSE IS BROKEN! What is this? Pick-on-Sirius Day?

- S

---

Oh, I know the answer to the question! The girl should tell her best friend that she likes him and see what he says. I can't think of anything bad that could come from this. Not at all. And stop dripping blood, Sirius. It's getting on my shoes!

- P

---

Well, I think that wraps it all up quite nicely. And, Sirius, Peter has a point. You're ruining the carpet.

-M

---

Well aren't you lot just _so_ considerate. How about I go bleed in the corner? Is that better?

- S

---

Much better.

- P

---

I hate you guys.

- S

---

We love you too.

- P

* * *

_A/N: Wow, we've been gone for a while now, eh? Sorry about that. Uni and School turned out to be too much for us to handle while juggling MAT, so we put it on hold for a bit. And then Shoey went to Europe and abandoned me for 3 weeks…so yeah, hence the late post…but hey, better late than never, right?_

_We had a lot of fun with this chapter. I especially loved the last question. Sirius is so fun to write :D_

_Well, thanks for reading (especially those of you who have been following this fic for a while) and I hope you'll continue to enjoy our work in the future :D_

_~ Tiger-cub684_

_Hello there! Sorry for the long wait, it was mostly my fault for going away to Europe and then being inconceivably busy upon my return. I apologise! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter! Thankyou so much for all of your kind reviews! It really means a lot to us :) And thankyou for all your questions! Without them we would be lost! Lost I say!_

_Gratuitous apologies and gratuitous thanks all 'round!_

_~discombobulated shoe_


	30. Chapter 30

_A/N: Chapter 30, a birthday chapter wherein the gang discuss addiction, genderbending, goat welfare and various types of mental illness. _

**

* * *

****Dear Marauders,**

**I heard Lily Evans threw Sirius Black out the window last Friday. Is this true? And if so does Sirius need any 'help' getting better? **

**EagleGirl**

---

No, I can assure you that Sirius needs no help, at all, whatsoever. From anyone. He's just a big baby.

- J

---

I'm pleased to say that that is indeed correct. Lily does so enjoy trying to teach Sirius how to fly without the aid of a broomstick. Unfortunately she's been quite unsuccessful so far. I'm sure many of the professors here would agree that teaching Sirius is an arduous task.

-M

---

Indeed. He only learnt how to tie his own shoes last year!

- J

---

True that, I pity Peter who had to do them up until then.

-M

---

Yeah, it was especially mean seeing Sirius kick him in the face just for laughs, while he was bent down there.

- J

---

You two are real gits, you know that right? Gits.

-S

---

Says the man who kicks his friends in the face.

-M

---

Ha! Such hypocrisy! You're the ones always chucking me out windows and putting fleas in my sheets!

– S

---

...yeah, but that's only because you turn our shoes into snapping turtles and give us laxatives and other nasties disguised as chocolate.

- J

---

Unforgivable. How dare you mess with the chocolate?!

- M

---

So is that what this is about? You're all ganging up on me because I slipped a little bit of potion into Moony's chocolate?

-S

---

You "slipped" potion in everything! My pumpkin juice, Peter's scrambled eggs, even your own butterbeer, just so you could drug us! It's intolerable, I say!

- J

---

Yeah, I was seeing purple elephants everywhere for a whole week!

-P

---

Not to mention my chocolate Sirius, _my chocolate!_ Is there any that you _haven't_ tainted? The last I had turned my hair into broccoli. Which is not funny, Sirius, broccoli is NEVER funny. Especially when it comes between me and my chocolate.

-M

---

Okay, one, broccoli is hilarious Moony, you have no sense of humour. And two, all that chocolate can't be good for you. I think you should get some therapy or join Chocoholics Anonymous or something. It's for your own good, you know.

-S

---

Well, for once, I'm with Sirius, Moony. As amazing as chocolate is, it isn't really that good for you. I imagine your dentist cries every time you step foot in his practice.

- J

---

Well, that's a stunning example of gross exaggeration! He only cries every _second_ visit for your information. The other times he just shakes his head and leaves the room... I wonder what his problem is? I bet he has a very tempestuous family life. Probably suffers from depression. All in all, you point is completely irrelevant and not even true. At all. Not even a little bit.

-M

---

Still, clearly this chocolate addiction of yours is affecting your health. I mean, look at you! You can't climb the stairs to the top of the astronomy tower without puffing and wheezing. Even Peter is fitter than you!

- J

---

It's true! You have to be fit to outrun all the Slytherins.

- P

---

Yes, well, lots of people get tired climbing to the top of the Astronomy tower. It's very high up. Sirius would know; he's been thrown off it enough times.

-M

---

Yeah? well, I wouldn't be thrown off the tower so much if you jerks weren't such...jerks. Stupid jerks.

- S

---

Not now Sirius. We're talking about Moony now. We can discuss your problems next week

- J

---

My problems? My only problem is you...jerks!

- S

---

Really Remus, how can you afford to be so unfit?! And being fit and being scrawny are two entirely different things. Otherwise you wouldn't have a problem.

- J

---

Actually, I'm really very interested in Sirius' problems. Sirius! Discuss away! You were saying something about your marvellous friends whom you love and care for deeply?

-M

---

Love? Deeply? Have you not been listening to a thing I've said?? Does no one ever pay attention to me, Sirius Black?

- S

---

Moony, why can't we just have a damn intervention for once! Come on guys, are you with me? We have to save Remus from himself!

- J

---

Can we eat his chocolate after we confiscate it from him?

- P

---

Of course

- J

---

NOOOOOOOO! Fiends! Scoundrels! How can you even _consider_ -- ! I can't believe my very own friends would betray me like this!

-M

---

Join the club, Moony. I'm thinking of making badges or something. I've already come up with a logo; it's James, with a knife, stabbing me in the back. I think it's pretty good. And then, in this other logo, Peter comes along and pushes me off the astronomy tower.

-S

---

Well, I _do_ like to push people...

- P

---

And then, in _another_ logo, they gloat over MY chocolate which the scoundrels pilfered in a most fiendish manner!

-M

---

How can you make badges when you can't even draw?

- J

---

Who says I can't draw? I am a master at drawing. In fact, people often come up to me and profess their love of my artistry and skill. And Peter, don't come near me when I'm near the window. It's unsettling.

-S

---

Aw, come on. Just one push. I promise it won't hurt...

-P

---

Yes, well, I'm sure James wouldn't mind. Just watch out for the knife he probably has pointed at your back.

-S

---

Sirius, when I asked you to draw a portrait of me and Lily, you gave me stick people!

- J

---

... my chocolate.... how could they? ... my... chocolate....

-M

---

And I only reserve my knives for you...I mean...what knife?

- J

---

Well, you didn't pay me my due as an artist! My finest work deserves much more than you had to offer! You reap what you sow James, and in order to reap more than stick figures I'm thinking you're going to have to sow say... twenty galleons? At the very least.

-S

---

I paid you thirty galleons! And I want them back!

- J

---

Oh really? Well, when I said twenty I meant, uh, two hundred. Forgot the little zero on the end you know? I'm a very high calibre artist.

-S

---

Sirius, this is no time for you to con James, you can do that in your spare time. Right now, we have much more pressing issues at hand, such as the protection of my chocolate from these betrayers of friendship! There's no time for these frivolities!

-M

---

Sirius, I'm not paying you a knut for your crappy work. And I still want my thirty galleons back! And don't think I'll forget about this. I'll remember this debt for the rest of my life. And what you owe shall be transferred to my kids, on the off chance that I die prematurely. It's in my Will. I had it updated a few months ago...

- J

---

That's a bit morbid...

-S

---

And Moony, we're going to cure you of your chocolate addiction no matter what. If it takes all night, so be it!

- J

---

I call dibs on the chocolate frogs!

- P

---

Excuse me while I go weep over my chocolate. And no, you may not come to revel in my misery.

-M

---

Well, that's a bit over the top, I only want the frogs, you can keep all the bitter dark stuff...

-P

---

Wait, where are you going Moony? Don't go to the dorm! That's where all the chocolate is! Sirius, stop him!

- J

---

All right, I will... for a price...

-S

---

*sigh* name your price.

- J

---

Um... I want... ninety... seven percent.

-S

---

And a million galleons on the side.

-S

---

And two knuts.

-S

---

And a pony.

-S

---

Called Kenneth.

-S

---

This is ridiculous! Peter, go tackle Remus already. I'll tutor you for the Potions test. Now Go! Thank Merlin he's so unfit it takes him ten minutes to climb 20 steps!

- J

---

I want a pony too!

- P

---

Just... nineteen more steps to go.... I can... do it…

-M

---

Merlin's sake, what are you, children? Ponies indeed. I'll do it myself. Not so fast, Moony!

- J

---

I'd call mine Bob!

- P

---

Oomph! James! What the-- ! So the huge emotional blow of your betrayal isn't enough for you now? You have to launch a physical assault on my being too?

- M

---

You're not going anywhere until we...*gasp*....help you. Stop squirming!

- J

---

We demand ponies James! You cannot repress us any longer! You have deprived me and Peter of our free will and equine friends (called Kenneth and Bob respectively) for too long now! We shall rise up against you in a mutinous, uh, mutiny.

-S

---

Sirius, it's "Peter and I" not "me and Peter", and James, _get off me you're suffocating me!_

-M

---

Oh for...Damn it Sirius, this isn't the time for your insanity. Here I am, earnestly trying to help one of our most dear companions –

- J

---

By crushing him. How unexpected. Not.

- S

---

And you're ranting on about ponies! Can't you be sensible for once in your life?!

- J

---

Thankyou Sirius, now get him off of me! I need to go protect my chocolate!

-M

---

No, we're going to protect _you_ from your chocolate. For your sake. And the sake of your dentist!

- J

---

So that's it, eh? He's bought you off, eh? Dazzled you with a bit of toothpaste and dental floss, slipped you a bit of cash on the side and now here we are. I didn't know you could be bought so cheaply, James.

-M

---

What are you talking about? I don't even know your dentist. I just have a lot of respect for medical people. My uncle is a wizard chiropractor. Thanks to him, I have perfect posture.

- J

---

Oh, I see, sworn you to secrecy has he? I knew there was something fishy about that man as soon as I entered his practice! All this talk of sweets being bad, it's a wonder he hasn't acted already, that malevolent, dastardly "dentist".

-M

---

Well, it has been proven that sugary sweets are a major contributor to tooth decay. I think you're just annoyed because he keeps telling you to cut down on the chocolate. And he's right. I mean, if you didn't eat it so much, you could've outrun me and be in the dorm by now.

- J

---

But, don't we eat as much chocolate as Moony?

- P

---

Well, not quite as much. And Sirius and I have quidditch to burn it off. And you have the running from Slytherins. All Moony ever does is read books.

- J

---

It's a very strenuous activity.

-M

---

Yeah, turning pages must be really tough on you.

-S

---

...I also have to move my eyes across the page...

-M

---

That's not enough, and you know it, Moony. Maybe if you ran a few laps around the castle a couple of times a week. Or came to Quidditch training with us. I'll personally pay for your own broom. How bout it, Moony?

-J

---

What is it with you and trying to get us fit, James? 'Cause I think I remember you doing the same thing to Sirius a while ago...

- p

---

Quiet or you're next, Mr Pudgey.

- J

---

Hmm, let me think-- No. No no no no no. No. Did I mention no? You may find running aimlessly about the castle thrilling, but I however do not share that passion.

- M

---

Wait, why are you trying to get everyone to run all the time, James? You're the laziest person I know!

- S

---

...but I'm Quidditch captain!

- J

---

Yeah, you can sit around while a broom does all the work. Bravo James! Really well done!

-M

---

Shut up bookworm.

- J

---

Seriously, I've never heard of a man ask for so many piggybacks. You're a hypocrite, you are!

- S

---

That is preposterous. I'm the very model of fitness and health. Have you seen these abs lately? Have you honestly seen them?

- J

---

Yes, yes we have. Stop showing us, please for the love of Merlin!

- P

---

Honestly, if you do that one more time, I'm telling Lily that all you do in these Advice Thingy sessions is strip, much to our collective dismay. I won't be that far off the mark, really.

-M

---

Well, I have to practice for her sometime...

- J

---

Okay, mate, sure, in front of a mirror maybe. When you're on your own. As in, not with us. And not all the time.

-S

---

...but I need a second opinion...and a third...and fourth...

- J

---

Okay then, opinion time guys! What do you think of James' strip show?

-S

---

GAH! MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!

- P

---

Well, my immediate response was to take flaming coals out of the fireplace with my bare hands and attempt to gouge out my eyes with them, but after a moment's reflection I think I'd settle for attacking James with a hot poker until he left the room. I'm valiant like that.

-M

---

Wait a second. I think everyone should calm down and put away the sharp, red-hot objects. If it's bothering you _that_ much, I suppose I could put my clothes back on...

- J

---

I like that idea!

- P

---

And resume getting Moony to give up his chocolate.

- J

---

Um... If it's all the same, I rather like the poker idea better, so...

-M

---

Well, why don't we ask Sirius?

- J

---

You're not going to like my answer, mate.

-S

---

What about if I get you a pony?

- J

---

Well, let's just say, a pony would significantly improve your chances of a positive review my friend, yes indeed.

- S

---

What about me? What about Bob!!? Why does no-one ever care about Bob!?

- P

---

Okay then mate, two ponies and you have a deal.

-S

---

Alright then. I'll send the order off tomorrow. Now, Moony –

- J

---

Tomorrow isn't good enough! I want Kenneth now!

- S

---

And Bob!

- P

---

...now? What are you, a spoiled child?

- J

---

We don't want promises James, we want results!

-S

---

Yeah! Results!

- P

---

...but how am I supposed to get two ponies, right now?

- J

---

Pay up Buster!

-S

---

But it's impossible! All the farms would be closed! And it's not as if I have the money right with me...

- J

---

You're a wizard, are you not? And are you _not_ one of the top people in Transfiguration? Aside from me, of course.

- S

---

Fine. Hey, do you know what would transfigure best into ponies?

- J

---

Oh, what is it? I'll get it, no matter what it is? Is it a human heart? 'Cause I'll get one...

- P

---

Um. No. I, uh, don't think so. Thanks for offering though.

-S

---

...ew, human hearts? What the...? ...anyway, no it's a widely accepted fact that tasty, expensive chocolate makes the best ponies...kind of like the kind Remus has stashed in his trunk...

- J

---

Really? How much do you need? All of it? I'll go get it right now!

- P

---

No! No! It's not true! No... NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

-M

---

Bob, here I come!

- P

---

That's right, _all_ of the chocolate! Muhahahahahahahaha!

- J

---

No! How could you do this to me? Come back here Pete! NOOOOO! Wormtail!

-M

---

Oh, can Kenneth be made out of the butterscotch ones? I like them the best

- S

---

Sure, anything you say, Sirius. Don't you just love it when we all work together?

- J

---

Okay! Okay! I think that's all of it!... hey... is Remus okay?

-P

---

Remus? What's wrong? Why are you rocking back and forth in the foetal position?

- J

---

M-m-my.... m-my ch.... ch-cho-chocolate...

-M

---

Don't worry Moony, the withdrawal will be hard to deal with at first, but if you can get through the rest of the night without any chocolate, you'll be taking the first step.

- J

---

James. You know, I've tried to be the voice of reason throughout this Advice Thingy. When you and Sirius are chasing each other with sharp objects, yelling and screaming and turning interesting shades of purple, I always tried to calm things down. Tried to inject some sense into things. Well, I've come to realise just how futile my efforts were. No one who could possibly be capable of _transfiguring my chocolate_ into a bloody _pony_ could ever see sense. In fact, I'm starting to see the appeal of _your_ methods.

-M

---

Uh, James, I don't like that murderous glint in his eye. It looks, uh, kind of... murderous...

-P

---

Well, they all come around eventually. Join us Moony. I'll let you talk Shakespeare to us while Sirius and Peter ride around on their chocolate ponies.

- J

---

So, I take it those are your last words then. Sirius? Peter? Anything to add?

-M

---

Huh? What do you mean?

-S

---

Well, naturally I'm going to have to curse you into oblivion now.

- M

---

Now hold on there Mr Lupin. There's no need to be so drastic!

-J

---

Drastic? You think I'm being drastic, James Potter, do you? Well, you haven't even _begun_ to see _drastic_.

- M

---

Ah! Wand!

-P

---

Hey! Moony, calm down. I mean look at this pony! Look at Kenneth! Look at his big, adorable eyes. There, doesn't that just make everything all better?

-S

---

Remus J Lupin, don't be stupid. Think about what you're doing for a moment. We're your friends. Your beloved, caring, bestest friends!

- J

---

Sure, because _friends_ transfigure my chocolate into animals. I suppose that's what friends are _for_ eh? Transfiguring stuff into ponies. Well, James, Sirius, Peter, I think it's time I showed you just what fantastic _friends_ you all are!

-M

---

Ah! Magic spell!

-P

---

Remus, wait -- Akgk!

-S

---

REMUS NO!! –

- J

---

Um... is Sirius supposed to be furry? James? James? Where did you go? Hey! You've gone all furry too!

- P

---

Mew!

- S

---

Sirius! You're a kitty again!

- P

---

Indeed he is.

-M

---

But what about James? He's small, fluffy, has big ears, and doesn't make any noises. And a cute wittle cotton bud tail...Ow! He bit me. Stupid James.

- P

---

Hissss!

- S

---

Well, I think they're much improved now, to be perfectly honest. Yes, much more better.

-M

---

Why is he a bunny? Is it because he's the Easter bunny because he turned your chocolate into ponies?

- P

---

*rabbit noises*

- J

---

No. Peter, if you're not careful my wand just might slip in your direction and... well. Can you say, guinea pig?

-M

---

Um, okay then, guiiiinnoo.... er, gineee, um... I can't do it. sorry.

-P

---

That was rhetorical.

-M

---

Reeetooorriiicca...I can't say that one either Moony.

- P

---

Never mind, Peter, never mind. Just don't bring up the...er... _subject_ again. It's a sensitive area for me.

-M

---

What subject? Is it the one about your furry little problem? Is that why you're turning everyone into animals? So we'll know what it's like to have furry problems? But I thought that was why we became –

- P

---

NO! Not that one. This isn't about that. Have you been under a rock for the past couple of minutes or something?

-M

---

Well, I dunno about rocks, but you're acting mighty weird.

-P

---

Mew mew hisss!

- S

---

Remus...um, when are you going to change them back? Because I don't like the way that Kitty-Sirius is looking at Bob. And I don't like the way you're glaring at me. It's like your plotting...or scheming...I can never tell the difference...

- P

---

No, I didn't have any plans to do anything of the sort. But I suppose, I mean, I need them to reverse the transfiguration on my chocolate... But should I? I mean, I think Sirius makes a good kitten. And just look at James! Hopping around. I'm sure they're both having the time of lives.

-M

---

Hisss!

- S

---

Well, I dunno. Do happy kitties usually claw people's legs?

- P

---

Hmm. I don't think so. Well, how about this. If you agree to change back my chocolate, I'll transfigure you back the way you were. Claw Peter if you agree.

-M

---

Owww! My precious legs!

- P

---

Okay, fine. We have a deal.

-M

---

If someone turns me into a bloody cat ONE MORE TIME, I swear I'm going to skin them!

- S

---

At least you could talk. I couldn't do anything but chew up Moony's sweaters!

- J

---

Time to hold up your end of the deal. Now, give me my chocolate! Or else!

- M

---

Fine, if it means that much to you. Geeze.

- J

---

Thankyou. That's much more better. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the dorm with my chocolate. Thankyou. (And by the way, we're supposed to be answering a question here, once again you have meandered your away from the purpose of this Advice Thingy.)

-M

---

Well, that was...unexpected. Let us never speak of the happenings of this night ever again. Ever.

- J

---

...but what did we learn?

- P

---

What the hell are you on about, Peter?

- J

---

We always learn something. What was the lesson of the day?

- P

---

Sirius doesn't like being turned into a cat. So don't. I think it's a pretty important lesson, really.

-S

---

And also, you two are idiotic children who still like ponies.

- J

---

And should it also be: never get between Moony and chocolate?

- P

---

Pft! No! What made you think that? Merlin, Pete, you really are dense sometimes.

-S

---

Yeah, what are you talking about? I'll get him off his addiction one day....one day...we'll see.

- J

---

I'm not dense. I'm special!

- P

* * *

**To One Very Subtle Toofdap:  
There will be a massive flea invasion. Very soon. It will quite possibly bring about the Armageddon. Now we all know how positively terrified you are them, so I've decided to throw you a bone. I've arranged for a package to be sent to you. Please find enclosed one A-Grade Heavy-Duty Magically-Enhanced flea collar.**

Peachy

Oh, right, a question. Okay then, for all the Marauders: What would you do if you were the opposite sex for a day?

---

OH MY MERLIN, THE FLEAS ARE COMMING FOR ME!

- S

---

Flea invasion?...right.

- J

---

JAMES GIVE ME THE COLLAR SHE SENT NOW!

- S

---

You mean this thing?

– J

---

YES!!

- S

---

This thing right here?

– J

---

GIVE IT TO ME!

- S

---

This thing which I just threw out the window?

- J

---

GAH, COME BACK TO MEEEEeeeee!

- S

---

...um, Sirius just jumped out the window.

- P

---

Yes, yes he did. Nice observation, Pete.

- J

---

You know, there is far too much defenestration on this Thingy than is healthy.

- M

---

Oh, stop complaining. We've gotten rid of Sirius for the next few minutes. Just relax and enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts

- J

---

...but shouldn't we be worried about the fleas?

- P

---

No, unless you want to spread the plague around the school...on second thoughts, maybe we should get you a flea collar too, Pete.

- J

---

Maybe you should _all_ get flea collars, with in-built silencing charms. It would be amazing.

-M

---

Haha, very funny Remus. I am literally pissing myself with laughter. Not.

- J

---

Please James, I thought Sirius was the only one who isn't toilet trained.

-M

---

Don't be ridiculous. Pete isn't toilet trained either. And I was being sarcastic. Clearly.

- J

---

Really? I'm sorry, I didn't notice.

- M

---

Is this going to turn into another one of those sarcasm war things? Cos they're _really_ confusing.

-P

---

No, of course not. Not.

- J

---

Gah, what does it mean???

- P

---

Help!

- S

---

Sorry, but do you hear distant pleas for help? Or is that just me?

-M

---

... are you being sarcasmic again?

-P

---

No, I'm being perfectly serious.

-M

---

HELP ME YOU PLONKERS!

-S

---

Speaking of Sirius...

-M

---

Where is his voice coming from?

- J

---

I'M RIGHT HERE YOU PILLOCKS!

- S

---

...I think that came from the window!

- P

---

Oh, hello Sirius! Whatever are you doing, dangling so precariously from that ledge? Having second thoughts about plunging to your death?

- M

---

HELP ME UP YOU NONCE!

-S

---

...kelp you, you say? What on earth would you want kelp for?

- J

---

JUST PULL ME IN BEFORE I HEX YOU ALL TO DEATH!

- S

---

Well well well, someone's being rather aggressive for someone who wants help.

- J

---

Did you get the flea collar, Sirius?

- P

---

Honestly Sirius, you shouldn't just go around throwing yourself out of windows if all you're going to do is ask us to pull you back in.

- M

---

I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!

- S

---

Well, that _really_ makes us want to help you now.

- J

---

Really?

- P

---

Sarcasm again, Pete.

- J

---

Oh.

- P

---

Okay, we're not getting into this again. I have made a list of all the things that we are no longer to do during the Advice thingy and 'murderous threats, glares, impulses and actions' are very near the top.

-M

---

JUST PULL ME IN!

- S

---

Fine, fine. But only because your yelling is bound to wake up the First Years.

- J

---

Took your bloody time.

- S

---

_You_ jumped.

-P

---

Yeah, but only because _he_ threw out my flea collar. Which I only managed to catch thanks to my fantastic reflexes.

- S

---

Are you _really_ going to wear that thing Sirius? It's ghastly. It looks like something you'd see on a Pomeranian.

-M

---

Yeah, it is a bit, er, pink.

-P

---

It is my only weapon against the enemy! My only defence! I have no choice!

-S

---

...you look like gay Pomeranian. During mardi gras.

- J

---

Oh yeah? Well you look like a...gay...homosexual...yeah. Take that!

- S

---

You _do_ realise that they mean the same thing, right?

- J

---

..Do you realise that your face is stupid?

- S

---

I don't know, I think that collar looks rather dashing.

- M

---

Yeah, that's right, laugh it up Moony. You're just jealous. When the invasion comes, you'll be the first to fall.

-S

---

Dunno, considering how much time you spend...at risk...I think you'd be more vulnerable to the fleas, Sirius. Moony would only be at risk occasionally.

- J

---

At risk? What do you... OH. OH. I get it. You mean THAT. (You do mean THAT, don't you?)

-P

---

Of course I mean that. What else would I be talking about?

- J

---

So it _is_ because Sirius is left handed. I knew it!

- P

---

I'm not left-handed. I'm ambidextrous.

- S

---

Oh, is it fatal?

- P

---

Peter, ambidextrous is when you can use both hands equally.

-M

---

Oh, uh, I knew that.

-P

---

Yes, that's right ladies. I can do two things at once. Such as fondling you and –

- S

---

Sirius! Not in front of the First Years! We've been over this.

-M

---

Yes Sirius. I think that's a mental picture we could all do without.

- J

---

You're all just jealous.

- S

---

You can keep saying that Sirius, but that doesn't make it any less of a fallacy.

-M

---

Or any less disgusting. Remind me never to shake your hand. Ever.

- J

---

Deal. Shake on it?

-S

---

NO!

- J

---

Well, then, I can't make any promises.

-S

---

You really are immature, you know that right?

- M

---

Wasn't there another part to this question?

- P

---

Yes! Thankyou Peter, for saving the Thingy from these dolts.

-M

---

Oh, I was just getting bored. But glad to help.

- P

---

Right, whatever. So, what's the question? Oh! What would I do if I were the opposite sex? Heh heh, well...

-S

---

Sirius, I know it's hard for you to comprehend what it would be like to be male, but at least try, for the sake of the readers.

-M

---

Ha ha, good one Moony.

– J

---

Ouch! Low blow.

- P

---

Yes, ha ha. Hilarity. You are a comedic genius, sir. Not. Shut up Moony. Now, if I was a girl for the day (and yes, girl, as I am quite clearly a MAN) I would most likely –

- S

---

Spend the time watching your breasts bounce up and down in the mirror?

- J

---

Yes - I mean, no. That's just silly. *cough*

- S

---

You're so transparent.

- M

---

I know _I_ would spend the time getting to know Lily better, so I can understand her more and be a better boyfriend.

- J

---

I would hide in our dorm and refuse to come out until it was over.

- M

---

I would trick Lizzie into going out with me.

- P

---

...isn't Lizzie a lesbian?

- J

---

Exactly. She's a hot lesbian.

- P

---

...well I guess it would make sense then. But do you really think a gender change would be enough to entice her to date you? I mean, what about all the other factors?

- J

---

Other factors? You think I should bring her some pie too?

- P

---

...that _could_ help. But I was thinking more along the lines of...attractiveness.

- J

---

What? You don't think girls are attractive?

- P

---

We should have guessed! What with Lily being far stronger and manlier than you are, not that that's saying much really.

-S

---

No, that's not what I mean. Forget about it. And Lily is the most feminine creature alive! Do you really want me to tell her what you said? Or should I spare you and let it go?

- J

---

I never said she wasn't feminine, just that she's manlier than _you_.

-S

---

Oh, I see. You think I'm not manly? Well, what if I stab you in the eye with my wand? Would you think I'm manly then???

- J

---

No. A man would use magic you twat.

-S

---

Sirius has a point, you _are_ a wizard you know.

-M

---

Oh yeah? Well how's this for magic? _Twatus genderous_!

- J

---

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME!?

- S

---

Haha, he's a girl!

- P

---

Oh yes, the irony, it is so sweet.

- J

---

Well, there goes the hypothetical aspect of this question. So Sirius? What will you do now?

-M

---

Bounce up and down in the mirror?

- P

---

NO! I'M GOING TO KILL JAMES POTTER -- hey! I look HOT!

-S

---

So, that's a yes then.

-P

---

Hehe, you have great taste, James. These are _huge_.

- S

---

...well, what can I say? I'm a boob man...and I'm getting increasingly disturbed by this conversation...

- J

---

As are we all, James, as are we all.

-M

---

These are awesome! Best damn boobs I've ever felt, I'll tell you that.

-S

---

Sirius, please stop molesting yourself. It's traumatising.

-M

---

Hehe, look at that. You poke them and they bounce right back. Look at it go!

- S

---

...gah, I'm so confused!

- P

---

You know, Sirius, there are other...qualities...that girls have that we don't. You know, other than breasts. And I agree with Moony. Stop touching yourself!

- J

---

Again with the jealousy. I don't know how I put up with it all.

-S

---

.... You think we're jealous because James transfigured you into a girl? Wow, Sirius! How did you guess?

-M

---

Well, it was the envious look in your eyes that gave it away.

- S

---

I believe you're confused envy for horror. Deep and disturbing horror. Especially at the fact that you're enjoying yourself

- J

---

Wouldn't _you_ enjoy yourself? You know you would. You know you want to try it. In fact, why don't you! Yeah! _Twatus genderous!_

-S

---

...I really should've seen this coming. *sigh*

- J

---

Haha, now you're both girls. Make out!

- P

---

Ew, no Pete. MERLIN NO. Ick. How could you think of such things?

- J

---

Oh for the love of Merlin, please please someone obliviate me _right this instant_.

-M

---

Why Moony? You afraid of a couple of girls? Why don't you join us?

- S

---

No. No. Keep away from me. Don't you _dare_ point that wand at me Sirius Black or I _swear_ I'll --

-M

---

_Twatus genderous!_

- S

---

You _bastard_.

- M

---

Oh! I think that's the first time I've heard Moony say a word worse than "ridiculous" or "scoundrel".

-P

---

Can you _please_ stop using that damn hex, Sirius? I don't know the damn reversal! You bloody twatter!

- J

---

............ you _what!?_

-S

---

James, please tell me you didn't say what I thought you just said.

-M

---

No, I don't know the reversal. I just picked up this spell in a book I was reading the other day and didn't get a chance to read the next page where it said the counter spell...in retrospect, that was a bad move on my part...hehe.

- J

---

Haha, you're all stuck as girls!

- P

---

_Twatus genderous._

- J

---

Fuck me. I should've kept my mouth shut.

- P

---

I can't believe you'd just hex me with this spell that you d_on't know how to reverse of?_ You little shi--

- S

---

Sirius! Language! Now, I am as angry as you are about this situation, but we aren't going to solve anything by bickering. Now James, do you still have this book?

-M

---

Well, I guess I wasn't thinking when I did that...but you've got to admit, it's a pretty good transformation. And no, I don't have the book. It's in the restricted section of the library. Probably still on that desk where I left it.

- J

---

I don't think so. Madame Pince is pretty antsy about putting books back. She probably put it back on the self.

- P

---

Great. Fantastic. Wonderful. You're all complete prats! I don't suppose you remember where exactly in the restricted section you got the book, do you James?

-M

---

Um...no. I didn't get it from the shelves. I found the book on the floor. Like it was calling to me.

- J

---

Couldn't we just walk in there and use _accio_?

- S

---

We probably could...if I could remember the name of the book…

- J

---

No Sirius, you idiot. Don't you know anything about the library? You can't _accio_ books from the restricted section, otherwise it wouldn't really be _restricted_ now would it?

- M

---

Yes, that too.

- J

---

Well, shit! I dunno! It's not my fault James never learnt how to bloody un-transfigure us, is it!

- S

---

Hey! If it's transfiguration, couldn't we ask McGonagall to put us back? I mean, she _is_ the teacher, I bet she's pretty good at transfiguring and un-transfiguring things.

- P

---

Oh dear _Merlin_ no! Can you _imagine_ how _embarrassing_ that would be?

- M

---

Hey, it'd fix the problem. I figure it'd be even _more_ embarrassing to stay girls forever, but we can wait until I've gotten with Lizzie if you want to.

-P

---

No, I think we should try and turn ourselves back now. I really don't think I can face Lily tomorrow, otherwise. So our only options seem to be, a) sneak into the restricted section of the library and try to find the book, or b) find McGonagall and get her to change us back. Let's have a vote.

- J

---

How about I pretend that I've accidentally permanently turned myself invisible after a tragic potions accident, and spend the rest of my days under James' cloak?

-M

---

No, that's not going to work. Your breasts are too large. They'll stick out, and people will think a couple of floating breasts are going around the school.

- J

---

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Damn you James! Why can't you even have the decency to have an appropriately sized cloak?

- M

---

Hey, it's a family heirloom. You can't be picky about those sorts of things. Otherwise I'd've chosen a last name that doesn't involve ceramics.

- J

---

Like Hatter for instance? Or maybe Nutter. James Nutter. Sounds about right.

-S

---

Well, actually, a person who made hats was a Milliner. And maybe you could've been called Sirius Twatter. Since you seriously twat everything up like the moronic twat you are. You should know better than to use spells that I use that I don't know the reversal to!

- J

---

Well how was _I_ supposed to know that _you'd_ be so much of a twat as to hex me without knowing the counter!

- S

---

...so what are we going to do?

- P

---

Well, we could spend _weeks_ in the library before even finding the right _shelf_, so I suppose the fastest way would be, and I can't _believe_ I'm actually suggesting this as a sensible thing to do, to go see Professor McGonagall.

- M

---

...I really don't like this idea. But I guess you're right Moony. We'll have to go see McGonagall. Let's just hope she's in a good mood.

- J

---

A _what?_ McGonagall in a _what?_ You're _really_ funny James. We all know McGonagall only has two moods; "irritated" and "furious".

-S

---

I beg to differ. I've seen her drunk before...it was a scary experience…

- J

---

You what? Maybe we can use it as blackmail material so she doesn't tell anyone about... er... our accident.

- S

---

Sirius, you _can't_ blackmail a _teacher_.

-M

---

Yes, considering the circumstances of when and where I found her drunk, I don't think that's a good idea...

- J

---

What do you mean? What could possibly be so bad that you can't use it as blackmail material? This is our dignity on the line James! I know you don't understand that but for the rest of us dignity is a really important thing!

-S

---

Well, for one thing, let's just say I wasn't supposed to be there. And let's also suppose that I...I was in some sort of costume...I'm not going to say anymore.

- J

---

Costume? You can't back down now James. You've got me all interested!

- S

---

Sirius, I know you're not just bouncing up and down from excitement, _stop it_.

-M

---

*sigh* fine. I was at my Aunt Sophie's themed baby shower...dressed as a baby. Thanks to my bloody mother. And I don't exactly want the fact that I wore a nappy in public to become general knowledge.

- J

---

How long ago was this?

- P

---

Last summer.

- J

---

That's bloody hilarious! Why didn't you invite me? I could have laughed at you!

- S

---

*sigh* that's exactly why I didn't invite you. You have no idea how much I yelled at Aunt Sophie when I found out McGonagall was going to be there. I had no idea they used to be neighbours. Now forget I ever said anything, and let's move on.

- J

---

...so are we going to McGonagall's or what?

- P

---

Ha! I am never going to let you forget this!

- S

---

Yes we are. Unfortunately.

-M

---

Let's go then. And one word of any of this, Sirius, and I'll tell all the girls how much you enjoy watching yourself bounce up and down.

- J

---

Fine! Jeez James, rain on my parade why don't you?

-S

---

Shut up and let's get going. The sooner we're men again, the better.

- J

---

_5 minutes later…_

---

Wow, the halls are surprisingly busy considering it's almost midnight.

- P

---

Hey there pretty lady. What are you doing on this fine night?

- Amos Diggory

---

Who do you think you're talking to, Diggory?

- S

---

Ouch! That was cold! A simple "sorry, I'm not interested" would have sufficed... So, how about you then?

- Amos Diggory

---

Oh dear _Merlin_ Diggory, you are _not_ hitting on me.

- M

---

What is it with you chicks?

- Amos Diggory

---

We're not chi –

- P

---

Shut it! Pe... nelope...We uh, we have to be somewhere.

- S

---

Yes, let's just keep moving.

- J

---

That's not fair! You can't go wandering about dressed like that in the middle of the night and not –

- Amos

---

Not what? Sleep with you? Fuck off Amos. We've got more important things to do, you huge tosser.

- J

---

Hey, look, new girls!

- Kingsley Shaklebot

---

Oh fuck no, we play _Quidditch_ with him.

- S

---

Eek!

- P

---

OK, stuff this. I'm running. Follow me if you want to live! Or at least live _without_ being f –

- J

---

I second that motion!

- M

---

_One frantic race later…_

---

*gasp* finally made it!

- J

---

Come back! I love you!

- Amos Diggory

---

MCGONOGALL LET US IN!

- S

---

What the hell is it - - Potter, is that you?

- McGonagall

---

Yes, quick let us in!

- J

---

_door slams_

---

Why don't you love me?

- Amos

---

Thank Merlin! That was close!

- P

---

Professor! You have to do something!

- M

---

Mr Lupin? Mr Pettigrew? What on _earth_ is going on here?

- McGonagall

---

Um..._someone_ accidentally used a certain restricted spell to turn Sirius into a girl, and then he turned on everyone else, before playing with his new chest...hehe *cough*

- J

---

*sigh* Potter, whatever am I going to do with you?

- McGonagall

---

Sorry Professor. But Sirius was being a real twat. Really...please don't tell my Aunt Sophie about this!

- J

---

You should give them both detentions for a million years and transfigure Peter and I back to normal, as we are the innocent victims in all this.

- M

---

While I am greatly tempted by your suggestion, Mr Lupin, I'm afraid I can't leave any of you in your current states, for the sake of the rest of the students perhaps more than for you. Keep your hands where I can see them, Mr Black!

- McGonagall

---

Yes Professor.

- S

---

Now, Mr Potter, where did you find this spell?

- McGonagall

---

Um...it was some sort of restricted book...it may have start with "Twisted Hexes for your friends", or "Tricky Transformations", or...

- J

---

"Twisted Transformations for the Tricky wizard"?

- McGonagall

---

Yes, that was it! I remember now.

- J

---

Can you do it Professor? Can you turn us back?

- P

---

Of course I can Mr Pettigrew. But before I do, I hope you've all learned a valuable lesson from all of this. Several valuable lessons, actually. More than several.

- McGonagall

---

Yes, I've learned a whole book work of lessons. Just change us back, quick! I can hear Diggory trying to break down the door!

- J

---

I knew that bastard was queer.

- S

---

Mr Black, you will watch your tongue or you will lose it. Now, hold still. _Reversious Gendersious._

- McGonagall

---

Thank Merlin. I've never been so grateful to have a c –

- J

---

Aww, I kinda miss the breasts.

- S

---

10 points will be taken from Gryffindor, each, and you will be spending the next week in detention with me. You shall henceforth be banned from the restricted section unless you have explicit permission from none other than myself. Now, please return to your dormitory and try not to cause any natural disasters on your way. Goodnight.

- McGonagall.

---

_Door slams_

---

Well, that was rather rude of her. She could've at least asked if we wanted a drink or something.

- S

---

Shut up Sirius. We're lucky she didn't punish us for being out of bed so late

- J

---

I don't see Diggory. Do you think it's safe?

- P

---

I dunno, let's run, I don't think I'll be able to look him in the face ever again. Besides, I want to go to bed, I really need to lie down. I think I'll go to the Hospital Wing tomorrow. Maybe Madam Pomfrey will obliviate me if I ask her _really nicely_.

- M

---

I agree. But I might make a quick stop at Lily's dorm first...there's something I need to prove

- J

---

Well, I guess this question's over then. We even answered it this time! Yay!

- P

---

A bit more than answered, I'd say.

- S

---

Yes, and let us never speak of it, or any of the events on this night, ever again. For all eternity.

- J

---

Agreed. So, completely, utterly agreed.

-M

* * *

**Creators of Advice Thingy:**

**  
Where do you get so much parchment from?! And where does it all go?! Also, I need advice/help. Something keeps stealing all of MY parchment! Whatever it is doesn't do a good job of it either; it leaves bits parchment and great big paw prints everywhere! (I did not ingest any of Zonko's delusional chocolate - I swear)  
**  
**Peachy**

---

We – ah - have a giant replenishable pile of parchment...yeah, that sounds believable...

-J

---

You know, I've never really thought about that, it's a very good question. There just always seemed to be more, I never wondered where it came from. I just assumed Sirius and James were spending gratuitous amounts of money on it.

-M

---

Yes, well, it's been harder to _buy_ parchment lately, since my parents cut me off. So, we've found...other...means to get it.

- S

---

I suppose as a prefect I wouldn't really want to know the details, right? That seems to be happening more and more often, you know.

-M

---

Your fault for being a prefect.

-S

---

Yeah, the less you know the better. You know, because "ignorance is bliss", right?

- J

---

Ah, but they also say "knowledge is power", do they not?

-M

---

...well in this situation, knowledge is a guaranteed detention/suspension and an accessory to crimes most grievous...

-J

---

You have a point there my dear Mr Prongs.

-M

---

He has many points. But not all good ones...

- P

---

...right...um, so anyway...

- J

---

Parchment tastes bad... Just thought I'd, you know, put that out there.

-S

---

...oh really? Because I'd figured that anything made of processed trees simply _must_ taste like maple syrup.

- J

---

Yeah, me too, but it turns out that, you know, they don't. Who would've thought?

- S

---

...*sigh* Sirius, sometimes I wonder about you...

- J

---

Wonder what?

- S

---

If your parents dropped you on the head as an infant.

- J

---

Sirius, you think _everything_ tastes like maple syrup, as you have an unfortunate tendency to demonstrate over and over by gnawing on things. Also, parchment isn't made of paper. It's goat's skin, if I'm not mistaken.

-M

---

...really? Goat skin? How terrible! Do people know about this? We must bring it to their attention at once!

- J

---

I'm pretty sure they know. It's because the wizarding world is so unwilling to implement modern muggle technology (not that paper is particularly modern). In the muggle world, people stopped using parchment hundreds of years ago because it's so inconvenient and expensive.

-M

---

It's murder, that's what it is! Those poor poor goats.

- J

---

Don't worry James! Maybe they use magical goats that, I dunno, poop out parchment so they don't get hurt?

-P

---

That's just stupid Peter. No kind of goat excretes goat-skin! Do you even hear what you're saying?

-J

---

Well, they might if they were _magical._

-P

---

Cheer up, mate. If it's bothering you that much, why don't you do something about it?

- S

---

Exactly James! I thought you were all about taking action. But, just, you know, try to keep it legal.

-M

---

Like what? Write up a petition to make the use of paper widespread in the Wizarding community?

- J

---

Yeah, you could do that...or you could go to the Goat farm and free all the goats, to end parchment production forever!

- S

---

...that does sound like fun...

- J

---

I'm telling you, they're magical parchment-pooping goats. There's nothing to worry about.

-P

---

You know, when I said for you to keep it legal, what I _meant_ was that you should _avoid breaking the law_. I thought it was pretty clear myself, but I suppose a little reiteration can never go wrong.

-M

---

We could have explosions and espionage. And scantily clad red-heads.

- S

---

Oh, I like Sirius' idea best!

- J

---

I thought you would. Typical.

-M

---

But what are we saving them from? If the goats are pooping the parchment, then what's the harm?

- P

---

Peter, you can't _honestly_ believe that you're writing on the product of a goats' digestive system, do you?

- J

---

_Magical_ goats' poop, James, _magical goats._

-P

---

Pete, the goats are not shitting out parchment!

-S

---

I am inclined to agree with James and Sirius here, Peter, though it pains me dearly to say so. I believe it is somewhat doubtful that your theory is correct.

-M

---

...but Mother promised me it was true!

- P

---

Well your mother is a lying whore.

- S

---

Sirius!

- J

---

Sirius, as always the epitome of civility. You know very well personal attacks are no way to win an argument. Besides, that was uncalled for.

- M

---

Yeah, Sirius? _You're_ a lying whore!

- P

---

Haha, he's got you there.

- J

---

Now Pete, don't let Sirius get under your skin. There's no need to be so brutally honest.

-M

---

*grumble* you people...

- S

---

Besides, I thought we'd already agreed that remarks about family were off-limits, unless you want me to bring up some on _your_ family's indiscretions.

- J

---

Fine! Merlin, you'd think you _wanted_ me to go back to 'your face' jokes.

-S

---

How about we drop all the tasteless and unfunny jokes and get back to the matter at hand; a matter of courage, and righteousness, and honour –

- J

---

And goats.

- P

---

And their poop.

- P

---

... _Anyway_, as James said, we need to come up with a safe and lawful way to protect the goats et cetera. Keywords: safe and lawful.

-M

---

Well, how about we sneak into the goat farms and turn them all into sheep! That'll save them!

- J

---

... I think you're missing a few key points here, James.

- M

---

What do you mean?

- J

---

Well, for one parchment is also made from sheep skin and calf skin. Not to mention, they could just turn them back. You aren't the only person on this earth who can use magic, you know.

-M

---

...well what if I invent a new transfiguration spell? They'll never be able to reverse it. I _am_ a transfiguration prodigy, after all

- J

---

Not to mention a _humble_ prodigy.

-M

---

It would be easy. All I would need is my Latin dictionary and some gillyweed...

- J

---

I am opposed to this, as you have no doubt guessed. Apart from my usual reasons, there's the fact that it's not going to work. Regardless of whether or not you can come up with the spell, you are still only addressing the immediate issue. Just because you transfigure one lot of goats, doesn't mean that they won't figure out a way to change them back, or buy more goats. If you target just one farm or place of production, you aren't going to get any effective results. The problem isn't the farm, the problem is the mentality of the wizarding population, and the legislation of the Ministry of Magic. If you want to eradicate goat/sheep/calf skin parchment for good, then you're going to have to address the issue at its root. Besides, let's not forget about that moral and ethical dilemma of whether it is right to transfigure a goat into some other animal. The spell would have to be permanent to stop the goats being used regardless, and is it really right to take away from an innocent animal it's very own nature? Would the goat be able to function in a new body? Or would it simply die, unable to survive because of the unfamiliarity of it's very self?

-M

---

... you talk a lot Moony.

-P

---

I agree with Pete. You're a bit of a buzz kill.

-J

---

How about we transfigure them into dogs! Everyone loves dogs.

- S

---

Well James, if you're serious about this then you're going to have to think of these things. And Sirius, were you listening at _all_ to what I said?

-M

---

Not really. I tuned out after "I"

- S

---

Why does this not surprise me?

-M

---

So what you're saying is that we need a way to save _all_ the sheep, goats and cows from being killed, without changing their forms and without breaking too many rules? Way to make things easy, Remus.

- J

---

You're welcome, James. I know how much you enjoy a challenge after all.

-M

---

Yeah, great, a challenge...

- J

---

Why do you care so much about them anyway?

- P

---

They're my ruminant buddies. How can I not?

- J

---

Ruuummina...why are you making up words??

- P

---

James and the goats are connected by hornieness.

-S

---

…It's really a bit disturbing mate.

-S

---

No, that's not it. You know how Cows have four stomachs? Sheep, goats and deer have them too. That's what connects them. Plus the hooves....and yes, the horns.

- J

---

So...how does that make you all buddies?

- P

---

...well, you know how much I eat...*cough*

- J

---

... Potato? Pudding? Waffles? What?

-P

---

Nice save.

- S

---

Shut up Peter. You too, Mutt-head.

- J

---

... I don't get it, what does James eat? Grass? Is that it? Has he been eating grass again? I mean, it's a bit gross when he does that.

-P

---

What are you talking about? No, I'm not eating grass. I've never eaten grass! That was spinach!

- J

---

Looked like grass to me.

- P

---

You know James, one of these days we're going to tell Hagrid who's _really_ responsible for ruining the perfectly manicured lawns of Hogwarts.

-M

---

...honestly I have no idea what you're all going on about!

- J

---

Suuuure you don't. And I thought that was gillyweed I found in your trunk the other day! (Actually, there was probably some of that in there as well... )

-S

---

Yeah? Well, at least I eat my greens, you carnivores!

- J

---

You eat meat.

- P

---

...so? I still eat vegetables. That makes me an omnivore. Much better.

- J

---

We aren't carnivores! I don't _just_ eat meat! I eat pudding as well! And Pete doesn't eat meat, he just nibbles on things he finds on the ground. You sir, are a liar.

-S

---

Oh really? Well black pudding doesn't count, because it's BLOOD, which comes from MEAT, which comes from pigs!

- J

---

Yuck! I don't eat black-pudding! That's _disgusting!_ I'm not a bloody _vampire_ you ponce!

-S

---

Yes, we all know that chocolate pudding is the _only_ pudding.

-M

---

I saw you eat it last night!

- J

---

Yeah, when your head was muddled by all the gillyweed and grass.

-S

---

No, I specifically remember you asking last night for me to pass the chocolate pudding, and I gave you the black one instead, and you wolfed it down without breathing, leaving none for Shacklebot. It was hilarious.

- J

---

You _sicken me_. Traitor.

- S

---

Well it's not my fault you breathe in your food without tasting it. It could've been poison! It's going to kill you one day.

- J

---

Well, it will if my supposed _friends_ keep mistaking chocolate with freakin' _blood_!

-S

---

Relax. What do you think the red stuff is when you order your steak cooked rare?

- J

---

... steak juice?

-S

---

No, it's BLOOD. Geeze Sirius, you're the one with the good sense of smell.

- J

---

...I thought that was because it was meat...

-S

---

Sirius, you shame canines everywhere.

-M

---

SO, are we going to rescue my hoofed friends or what?

- J

---

Once you come up with a good plan then, sure.

-M

---

Ok then, what if we apparate all the goats, sheep and cattle in England, and hide them in France. Or Spain. Would that work?

- J

---

Okay, and what's to stop _them_ from making parchment with all the new stock you've brought them?

-M

---

Hmm, you're right. Those French are a dastardly bunch...what if we make them invisible?

- J

---

I guess you could do that... I'm still a bit sceptical though. The entire population of goats, cattle and sheep in England, no matter how invisible, might be a bit, er, conspicuous.

-M

---

Well, what if we start an extremist Animal Welfare group, and spread around horrible rumours and shockingly exaggerated photos to scare the public into caring and ending the consumerism of parchment?

- J

---

We could call ourselves PETER.

- J

---

Well, be my guest. You can go on parchment raids, stealing all the parchment and hurling it symbolically into the vanishing cabinet or something.

-M

---

Peter?

-P

---

You know, after you, Peter, whose shocking appearance and lack of social skills has been scaring away the female population for 17 years .

- J

---

... what do _I_ have to do with goat poop?

-P

---

Exactly mate, exactly. You're the prefect scapegoat.

- J

---

... there's something fishy about this plan...

-P

---

I think it's brilliant. I'll be the spokesperson. You need someone dashingly handsome and charismatic for that. And girls love a guy who seems to care about animals.

-S

---

And yet enjoys throwing cats into the lake...

- M

---

Hey, Mrs Norris isn't a cat. She's a demon in cat-disguise.

- S

---

I suppose you'd know all about cat-disguises, wouldn't you Sirius?

-M

---

*grumble* I thought we weren't going to bring that up again. But while we're at it, how's that "furry little problem" of yours, eh Moony?

- S

---

My rabbit's fine, though I think he's thinking of going into your secret stash of firewhiskey and handing it in to McGonagall. What a strange thing to do for a rabbit.

-M

---

Strange indeed. I guess he won't mind then facing his "furry" time all alone. In the dark. With no alcohol to alleviate his loneliness. Or books.

- S

---

Yeah, he might also enjoy setting fire to your bed, after retrieving all those love letters you wrote and never sent when you were in second year from under your mattress and posting them up all over the school. And then slipping pink hair-dye into your flea-shampoo for good measure.

-M

---

Then I guess he's also going to enjoy being a girl again, and thrown into the locker-rooms, stark naked, right after Quidditch practice. With Diggory.

- S

---

Not as much as he'll enjoy shrinking all your pants, while you're wearing them, and then alleviating you of your pink burden and shearing off all your fuchsia tresses in the middle of the night while you're sleeping on the blackened patch where your bed used to be. And then drawing all over you shiny bald head with a permanent inking spell.

-M

---

Jaaaaaaames, Moony and Sirius are having a hypothetical prank fight!

-P

---

Quiet Peter, this is hilarious.

-J

---

Oh yeah? Well in that case I'm sure he's just going to LOVE having Diggory's rape baby!

- S

---

Only as much as you do.

-M

---

WHY YOU –

- S

---

OK, I think it's time to cool down. Everybody take a deep breath in –

- J

---

And yell abuse at Sirius? Good idea James! You are the man with the plan.

-M

---

Sirius! You smell bad! How was that James? Good?

-P

---

NO, no more abuse. No more hypothetical pranks...or evil plans (and that was pretty harsh Sirius. I mean, Diggory?). Let's just sit here quietly and...fold origami.

- J

---

Fold origami models of Sirius' head and then set fire to them? You're on a roll in the plan department James, I applaud you.

-M

---

What is wrong with you Remus? I said STOP! This is getting out of hand.

- J

---

...wait, so his rabbit was going to do _what_ to Sirius?

- P

---

I'm not repeating myself. And in answer to your question James, I'm feeling slightly irritable today because I discovered that a mysterious animal broke into my trunk and stole all my chocolate. I can't imagine _what_ it was, but there are torn chocolate wrappers and muddy paw-prints everywhere. I hope it realises that chocolate isn't good for dogs and gets _sick_, dumb mutt.

-M

---

...you know, the longer this goes on, the more goats are being murdered for our writing purposes. Your little argument has taken up 3 feet of parchment! Do you realise how many innocent animals you've just killed!?

- J

---

James! Caaaaaallllm Dooooooowwwnn! It's only magic goat poop!

- P

---

Fuck sake, Pete, if you don't stop with that damned nonsense RIGHT THIS SECOND, I'm going to set Remus' rabbit on you!

-J

---

Well James, why don't you go and get some paper then? (And why do you people keep bringing up my rabbit? Leave Flopsy out of this!)

-M

---

Fine, I will then...where do I get it from?

- J

---

... You are _such_ a wizard. Ah well, you might find some in the Muggle Studies classroom. Or you could get some from a muggle stationary store next holidays.

-M

---

But the holidays are _months_ away. What are we going to do until then?

- J

---

Well, I'm still in favour of the sabotaging of the parchment factory. The fact that Moony disagrees is only further evidence that we should do it.

- S

---

And when did _that_ become a valid reason to do something?

-M

---

Second Year.

-S

---

So, what's the bloody plan? I feel like I've been asking this question all bloody night!

- J

---

I dunno, you're the plan-guy, remember?

- S

---

Exactly. Clearly you don't know how this operation works yet James. You come up with the plan, I come up with reasons why it's inadequate or why we shouldn't go through with it, Sirius comes up with some ridiculous plan B involving firewhiskey and curvaceous females, and Peter gives his loyal support to whatever you say (well, mostly anyway). Really James, how long have we been doing this again?

-M

---

Quiet. So, I prepose that the plan is; we sneak into the Parchment Factory, free all the goats and other creatures, set fire to the building, and put up a large sign with our protest written in blood.

- J

---

Who's blood?

- S

---

Pete's, naturally.

- J

---

Your pudding's.

-M

---

I like it. But instead, I say we stay here, lure some attractive girls to the dorm, get shitfaced on that new extra strong fire-whiskey I ordered, and let the fun times roll.

- S

---

...yeah, we're going with my plan.

- J

---

How about we don't go with _either_ plan, and instead write a strongly worded letter to the Ministry for Magic?

-M

---

What do you think Pete? And remember, there's a chocolate frog in it for you if you choose correctly.

- J

---

Um...in that case I choose....umm....James?

- P

---

Correct! There we go, majority rules. Let's go.

- J

---

Bllerk! You chose wrong! No frog for you!

-S

---

Gah, now I'm confused!

- P

---

_An hour later_

---

Here we finally are, outside Willingtons Factory, the largest Parchment manufacturer in the country. Let's go liberate some goats!

- J

---

... why am I here? I do not want to be here.

-M

---

Stop being a wet blanket Moony, we'll go back once we're done and drink some firewhiskey and pick up chicks. Sounds fun, yeah?

-S

---

Yeah!

- P

---

Ok, just so we don't have to do it later, Pete, come here. I need to drain you of your blood...

- J

---

Wait? What? I don't remember that part of the plan!

- P

---

I would say that it's just like you to forget the terrible parts of the plan, but then you would've forgotten the _whole_ plan, wouldn't you?

-M

---

*sigh* let's just move forward. Try to keep up Peter. And don't touch anything, don't breathe on anything, and don't think about anything. Ok?

- J

---

Hey look goats! Can I pat them James? Pleeeeeaaaase?

-P

---

NO! I don't want you causing the poor things any more trauma.

- J

---

Sirius, _what_ are you doing?

-M

---

Pouring firewhiskey around. James said we were going to burn the place down, _remember_? I'm making the place more flammable. Merlin Moony, pay attention!

- S

---

Maahhh

- Goat

---

No, Sirius, I said we set it on fire _after_ we free the goats! You're as bad as Peter!

- J

---

What's the matter James? You seem a little stressed out?

-M

---

I'm stressed because you're poisoning the bloody goats with your liquor fumes!

- J

---

_I'm_ not doing anything. _I_ said this was a bad idea. _I_.... what in the...

-M

---

Moony? Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Or is it just the firewhiskey?

-S

---

...shit...

-J

---

Exactly!

- P

---

*poop*

- goat

---

See, what did I tell you?! Goats poop parchment!

- P

---

Well, what do you know, this was all a waste of time. How surprising.

- M

---

Wow, I can't believe it. Pete was right. Pete. Was right.

- S

---

Pete? Right? Th-that's impossible! This must be some sort of trick! Some magic is involved, I know it!

- J

---

Obviously. They're _magic_ goats.

- P

---

Ah well, there goes James' environmental activist plans. Cheer up, you'll find another cause, I know it.

-M

---

...well now that that's all sorted, why don't we head back and continue with the plan, eh? Come on Jamsie, Veronica's coming and I hear she's had her eye on you *nudge*

- S

---

But, the goats!

- J

---

They're fine. They're happily pooping away without you.

- S

---

...goats...

- J

---

Wow, it's like his brain can't accept it.

P

---

Come on mate, let's go.

- S

---

_Back in the common room_

---

Well, that was an eventful trip. I can't believe we managed to apparate all the way to Manchester and back without anyone realising we were gone. Rather impressive, if I do say so myself.

- S

---

Not as impressive as parchment-pooping goats!

-P

---

... I still can't believe Pete was right.

- J

---

I win!

- P

* * *

**Dear Marauders**

**  
Hi! For reasons obvious and not so obvious, I won't tell you my name, but I'm a first year Ravenclaw with black hair, brown eyes and I love stabbing! So, can we be friends?**

Butterknife

---

umm...I don't usually make a habit of befriending psychopaths...

- J

---

You love stabbing? ... You know what? I know some very nice people at Saint Mungo's who would _love_ to be friends with you.

- M

---

Now wait just a minute...black hair? Brown eyes?...what's your bust size?

- S

---

Sirius, did you miss the part where she said she's a FIRST YEAR!

- J

---

A FIRST YEAR, SIRIUS. STOP BEING PAEDOPHILIC!

-M

---

First Year? Why is a first year putting an add in the "Who Want's To Go Out With Sirius?" column?

- S

---

You sir, are impossible. This is an Advice Thingy. I will not permit you to bastardize this noble pursuit.

-M

---

... your FACE is a bastard.

-S

---

...and once again, you have astounded us Sirius with your intellectual prowess. Kudos.

- J

---

...stop speaking in codes!

- P

---

Codes. Indeed. Why do I even bother?

-M

---

I ask myself that every day.

-S

---

Look, let's just get back to the question. And Sirius, be serious for a moment. I think this person has a genuine problem.

- J

---

Yeah, she's not going out with me.

- S

---

Have you not grasped the fact that she's 11!?

- J

---

Well, _some_ 11 yr olds are pretty developed...

- S

---

SIRIUS!

- J

---

Relax, I was kidding. Geeze mate, you need to chill. I mean, come on. I'm not _that_ bad

- S

---

...

- J

---

...

-M

---

...

-P

---

Okay, you guys are officially all prats.

-S

---

Well, I'm not the one being a paedophile.

- J

---

Siriusly, prats. Complete twatters every last one of you. How could you even think I would be capable of something like that?

- S

---

...you _did_ try to hook up with that Second Year at the Halloween Ball a few years ago.

- P

---

Yeah, when I was in Third Year! We were only a year apart!

- S

---

You sick sick man.

-P

---

Speaking of people who are in all likeliness completely off their respective rockers, we should get back to the question and our poor advice-seeking-homicidal-knife-wielding-maniac.

-M

---

Yes, back to the question. Wait, why are we helping a psychopath?

- J

---

James, we shouldn't discriminate who we give advice to. I find that morally reprehensible.

-M

---

But wouldn't it be bad to be helping someone who could hurt others? I mean, like if that terrorist, Voldemort, were to come into St Mungos with a broken leg, would it not be morally irresponsible to help him so he can go on a murderous rampage later? Would it not be better to slip arsenic into his water instead and save the world further pain?

- J

---

Yes, well, we could give him counselling.

-M

---

Like that would work with someone so deranged.

- J

---

Yes. Yes it would. I'm sure, deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep (&c. &c.) down, he's really an almost half-decent person.

-M

---

...right, and Genghis Khan was really a loveable children's entertainer.

- J

---

He was a clown? Wow, I never knew that!

- P

---

No, not really Peter. And James, I'm sure with the proper psychological attention we could really make some progress.

-M

---

With Voldemort? Are you serious? He'd probably kill anyone who comes within three metres of him. No-one would be able to get close enough to give him psychological attention!

- J

---

And the killing curse has a range of ten metres. Really Moony, you should be more realistic

- S

---

Um... they could do it by floo? Maybe?

-M

---

Maybe, _Voldemort_ is a _clown_. Like that Gengis guy. Right?

-P

---

...Remind me again why we let you do this with us, Peter?

- J

---

Because I'm smart? You love me? I'm your friend? Any of those? I can make toast!

- P

---

Right then, go get me some toast.

- J

---

Ok. I was getting hungry anyway...

- P

---

ANYWAY, Moony, you're wrong and your argument is flawed. There's just no helping these people.

- J

---

Yeah, I mean, if there was any hope for the mentally deranged, I would've gotten it for my parents years ago. But alas, they've proven incurable. They shall be hateful bastards until the day they die.

- S

---

Which hopefully will be soon.

- S

---

Well, fine. Be cynical and bitter old men if you will, I choose to retain some semblance of hope in humanity.

-M

---

Pft, hope is for those who don't have the courage to accept that there's just no fixing some people. Accept it and move on. You damn idealist.

- J

---

Well, Mr Pessimist, why don't we just agree to disagree?

-M

---

No, because that would still be agreeing with you. You're wrong Moony!!

- J

---

This aggressiveness James, maybe you should talk to someone about it?

-M

---

What? Didn't I just tell you that therapy doesn't work?

- J

---

Yes, there is no helping some people. You said it yourself.

- S

---

Wait, I don't have a problem!

- J

---

And I'm sure old Moldymort doesn't think he has one either.

- S

---

...what? This is preposterous. You're comparing me to an insane serial killer?!

- J

---

Takes one to know one.

-S

---

Back! I brought toast. And éclairs; the house elves made too many again.

- P

---

How dare you, Sirius Black! How dare you indeed?!

- J

---

James, calm down. We'll sort these anger issues out, but the first step is admitting you have a problem. Now, tell me about your mother.

-M

---

My mother is a saint. You leave her out of this!

- J

---

Well, I hear it can be hard, growing up with such holy parents. With all the shrines and halos. Maybe that's your problem.

- S

---

Indeed. Good thinking Sirius, your analytical skills have far surpassed my expectations. Now, James, about your childhood...

-M

---

My childhood was perfectly normal. Look, you two are insane. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me. If we're going to analyse someone, why aren't we analysing Sirius? I mean, he's got the crappy family, the love-less upbringing, the drinking problem and sociopathic tendency to use women! He's the perfect case study!

- J

---

Hey, we've already talked about me. Now it's your turn. So, Jamsie, tell me about your relationship with your father...

- S

---

FINE! Why can't you all just drop this!

- J

---

Well, James, we have to get to the bottom of these anger issues before they start to affect your relationships and social capabilities.

-M

---

Yeah, just look at Sirius! You don't want to be like him, do you?

- P

---

Exactly. Really James, this could be the deciding factor between your life being full of happiness or you turning into a drug-dependant gigolo living in the slums of Glasgow. You decide which future you'd prefer.

-M

---

Hey! I'm right here you know. And I would never be caught dead in Glasgow. Bristol all the way.

- S

---

Well I see your point...but I still don't have a damn problem!

- J

---

How about instead of cursing and saying 'damn' you say something less aggressive? Maybe you should say "I still don't have a jolly problem"? I think you'll find that over time, you become much less violent and angry.

-M

---

Ooh! Ooh! You could replace every swear word with "toast" or something! Toast you! You toaster! See? It fits!

-P

---

Toast off you bunch of toasters.

- J

---

See, it's working already!

- P

---

Well done James! Now we just have to take care of that tense tone of yours. Try being more cheerful!

- M

---

If you don't stop toasting right now, I'm going to toast your toasting face off. Cheerful enough for you?

- J

---

Hmm... on second thoughts maybe "toast" does have some violent connotations...

-M

---

He sounds even MORE angry. I don't think this is working, Moony.

- P

---

No kidding. All it's doing is making me hungry. Past the toast, Pete

- S

---

Hmm... maybe it's time we tried shock therapy?

-M

---

There is no way I'm letting you bloody traitors electrocute me. I'd rather eat my own broomstick. Which I would never do, because I love Broomy. Now back off you bunch of crazies!

- J

---

Is it normal for people to name objects, Moony?

- P

---

Well, I have a name for my -

- S

---

No. It is not normal. Sirius, be quiet. James, I think you need professional help. From, you know, a professional.

-M

---

I'm a professional.

- S

---

Yeah, a professional jerk-face.

- J

---

I was going to say "Love Doctor" but you just had to RUIN IT didn't you? You plonker.

-S

---

Sirius, that's so tacky. So very very tacky. It is, in fact, sooo tacky that I could use it as a thumb-tack to stick a note on the notice board about how tacky you are.

-M

---

...that is indeed very tacky...but I still hate you all.

- J

---

Ah well, you win some, you lose some. I'm sorry about your condition James, but there are other more important people desperate for our psychological healing. Namely the questioner. Who asked the question. Which we're supposed to answer. Your anger management problems will have to wait for another day, or at least until we figure out how to make this electroshock equipment work inside of Hogwarts.

-M

---

Why don't we just stick him on the roof in a lightning storm?

- P

---

Hey, that's a good idea.

- S

---

You people...I can't even put into words how angry and betrayed I feel right now. I've snapped several quills just thinking about it.

- J

---

We've noticed, and we've been trying to fix it, but _you_ just won't cooperate.

-M

---

You're trying to toasting electrocute me and you want me to co-operate? Are you toasting serious?

- J

---

Geeze, calm down James.

- P

---

I'm starting to see why Voldemort kills everyone close to him now. It must be much less infuriating.

- J

---

Yeah, have a chill pill.

-S

---

No! Sirius! Don't drive him to drug abuse! He's at a very impressionable stage right now, anything we say could have either a terrific or devastating impact on his psyche.

-M

---

That's it; I'm going to go stuff my ears with the fluff from Moony's pillow. Maybe then I won't be able to hear your stupid voices anymore. Plus, Moony won't have a pillow.

- J

---

Hey, now, that's uncalled for. There's no need to descend into mindless violence.

-M

---

Yeah, like you don't have three other spare pillows in your trunk. What's one less gonna do?

- S

---

I only have one _spare_ pillow, the other two are _emergency_ pillows. There's a distinct difference.

-M

---

Right, now _that's_ mad.

-P

---

AH HA! I see it now. Moony is really the one who is crazy. He's just been

projecting onto me all this time. What was _your_ mother like, Moony?

Huh?

- J

---

My mother is perfectly lovely. She read me the Narnia books when I was little. See? I'm _normal_.

-M

---

What's so normal about a bunch of kids playing hide and seek in a wardrobe with a satyr? Sounds pretty kinky to me.

- J

---

Huh! And you called _me_ the paedophile! Besides Moony, is it normal to colour code people's socks and to organise your text books in chronological order of the date of birth of the main author or editor?

-S

---

Um... yes?

-M

---

Not to mention the way you eat your food in order of primary and secondary colours.

- J

---

Yeah, we didn't want to say anything before, but we've been worried for a while now. We think you may have OCD.

- S

---

I am not obsessive compulsive, I just like things a particular way. If anything I'm compensating for _your_ complete lack of anything resembling organizational skills.

-M

---

Obsessive compulsive? Sounds disgusting. Eww, don't touch me Moony!

- P

---

But only an OCD person would feel the need to be three times as insanely organised to "compensate for lack of organisation" of his friends. That and you shower like three times a day. So we also think you may be a gramophone.

- J

---

Yeah, I mean who does that? You only need to shower twice a week!

- S

---

I only shower three times a day because that is exactly how many times a day one of _you_ spill food, or potions or _something_ all over me.

-M

---

Pft, excuses. Why can't you just put up with it like the rest of us? I mean, Sirius poured pumpkin juice in my hair this morning, and I just tolerate it until later. I mean, I'd usually wash it out at the lake, but it's practically frozen over this time of year. I can wait a few more days.

- J

---

So that's why I thought the pumpkin man was following me!

- P

---

It's a wonder you don't have some disgusting sort of bacterial or fungal infection. Actually, I think I can see some mushrooms growing in that hair of yours.

-M

---

Oh them? No, that's from when Sirius poured the mushroom gravy in my hair. He seems to like ruining my hair. I think he's just jealous.

- J

---

What? Don't be stupid. The gravy is to go with the pumpkin juice! Obviously.

- S

---

Gravy and pumpkin juice? You people are insane.

- M

---

There you go! Projecting again! Merlin, Moony.

-S

---

Yeah, you should really see a professional. Like, soon. Before you snap and attack the ones you love.

- J

---

Okay, look. I am a perfectly sane individual. How about, we cease discussions on each other's sanity, or lack thereof, and go back to the question at hand. Off topic conversations shall henceforth be silenced. And that's that.

-M

---

Typical of a psychopath to try and change the subject. But you're right, we probably should address the question. There's plenty of time later to help you with your raging insanity and obsessive compulsive behavior.

– J

---

Yes, indeed, you can shut up now.

-M

---

(Sirius, We'll get him tonight) Right, whatever you say Moony.

- J

---

(Ok, I'll get the extra sticky honey ready. And the cucumbers) What was the question again?

- S

---

(You do realise, that unlike yourselves, I am literate. And if you try _anything_, I promise you, you will regret it.) It had something to do with stabbing.

-M

---

(I think Moony has developed some sort of psychotic telepathy. Clear your mind!) Ah stabbing. Such a normal topic to discuss in the Thingy.

- J

---

(That shouldn't be so hard for you two). Yes, well, we can't really help that can we? Besides, _you're_ one to talk.

-M

---

(Yes, I think he's definitely on to us. I'll be sure to hide the you-know-what before you-know-when. You-know-where. *wink*) Don't be daft Moony (even though you can't help it), we're far too classy to resort to stabbing. I mean, we're wizards. Magic is far less messy.

- S

---

I never realized you were concerned about how messy your methods were, at least, I didn't get that impression when you were pouring green goop down my shirt.

-M

---

(Good idea Pads. I'll make sure you-know-who doesn't find out about our plan) I couldn't've said it better myself.

- J

---

Wait, are we suddenly talking about that crazy serial killer?

- P

---

And besides, only a crazy person would fail to recognize the brilliance behind our every move. Every hex, every stink bomb, every fire cracker in the Slytherins' pies, are all carefully devised with the utmost consideration of every detail. And we like to avoid unnecessary mess, to ourselves, of course. If you're a victim, it's a given you're going to need a long shower.

- S

---

It's just a shame _some_ people turn on their own more often than not. Really could've used a pumpkin-free morning, Pads. I had to meet Lily during the break and she ran off when she saw the flies.

- J

---

Why didn't you have a shower then?

- P

---

And waste precious water in the middle of winter in one of the wettest countries on earth? How could you even think of such nonsense, Pete?

- J

---

...um, I'm sorry?

- P

---

This is utterly ridiculous. Its utter ridiculousness is in itself utterly ridiculous. I am in the company of madmen, whatever shall I do? You lot _obviously_ cannot focus to save your lives. James, Sirius, just because you whisper doesn't mean the charmed parchment we use to _do_ this Thingy doesn't pick it up, and, as I have stated previously, I _am_ perfectly literate. So, please refrain from carrying out whatever you have planned for me.

-M

---

(...he's definitely on to us. Time for plan B) I have no idea what you're talking about. And if we're such madmen, did it not occur to you that we are merely method actors, and that by acting crazy, we are in fact getting into the mindset of our clearly deranged questioner, and therefore gaining a better understanding to give her the best advice possible? Did that occur to you at all? Hmm?

- J

---

(Roger that, plan B it is) Pete, go and get my unicorn-hair rope...oops (I mean, Pete, go get the rope. Yeah, there we are. Remus can't hear me now.)

- S

---

Well, then, may I say you are very talented actors. In fact, you're naturals. I would go so far as to say that you were _born_ for this role, seeing as you seem to have been playing for the entire duration of your lives. Bravo, good fellows, bravo.

-M

---

Geeze Moony, tone down on the sarcasm. (James, I think we're going to need a gag as well, and that thing that you told me about at breakfast, yeah, _that_ one.)

-S

---

What thing?

-P

---

Pete! You're supposed to whisper! Or else he'll _hear_ you!

-S

---

Sorry. I mean, (sorry. What thing?)

-P

---

Don't worry about it mate, just don't do it again. (It's a secret. A secret _thing_.)

-S

---

(Yes, a very secret thing. So secret that we can't tell you. Because then it wouldn't be a secret.) Why thank you Moony, I am flattered. And let me just commend you on _your_ brilliant role of being a neurotic prick who sucks the fun out of everything. Well done my man, you sure had me fooled.

- J

---

Touché.

-M

---

(No Pete, I said ROPE, not shovel. How could you get them confused? They don't even sound the same!)

- S

---

(Well obviously. one makes a _fwop_ sound, and the other a _shwi_ sound)

- P

---

(...)

- S

---

(fwop! shwi! It makes sense in my head.)

-P

---

(It must be scary in there.)

-S

---

(not really...only when the talking cookie comes. He tells me awful things...like the square root of pi, and what the little hand on the clock means.) *shudders*

- P

---

So, are we going to disperse advice to this person or not? Do you have any objections Moony? Because it feels like we've been talking in circles and procrastinating this topic for quite a while now.

- J

---

Yeah, just look at the pile of used parchment. I reckon I could charge mountaineers money to climb it.

- S

---

(No, Mr Cookie, I don't want to learn greetings in French!)

- P

---

By all means, go right ahead. You've only been wandering off topic for three hours now.

-M

---

And you allowed this to happen? For shame. Anyway, I think you, Miss Stabby, should seek professional help immediately. And perhaps if you successfully complete rehabilitation and loose your murderous tendencies, we may consider extending the hand of friendship. But don't loose all your tendencies. We may require someone of your...ah...skills...at some point in the future...you never know

- J

---

Exactly. I may need to take a hit out on my brother. It would be useful to know someone like you. Proper assassins are just so darn expensive.

-S

---

Well, normally I would recommend that you find some people who share your passion and befriend them, but in this case, I'm not so sure that would be the best idea. I believe some refer to it as "hanging with the wrong crowd". In any case, though, I'd be glad to talk it over with you and perhaps suggest a few healers in Mungo's who would _love_ to be your friend.

-M

---

Yes, I'm sure they would get a real _stab_ out of it.

- J

---

Haha, good one. Stab. Instead of kick. Great joke mate.

- S

---

Yes well, it wasn't _that_ funny.

- J

---

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

-P

---

Pete, that's just overkill.

-S

---

No, no, no, I'm laughing because there's this girl standing behind you with one of those huge butcher's cleavers! And we're talking about stabbing! It's funny, get it?

-P

---

... I think now would be a good time to run.

-M

---

I second that. James! Let's get out of here! Crazy first year Ravenclaw girls are trying to eat us!

-S

---

AHHH! LILY SAVE ME!

- J

---

Will you be my friends?

- Butterknife

* * *

_A/N: well, it seems to be an increasing occurrence for Shoey and myself to apologise for these long long long delays between updates. Unfortunately we cannot really offer more than the usual set of excuses of Uni and School, and Shoey abandoning me on a European tour for a month. But now we're back. _

_BUT don't get your hopes up. I still have about 5 weeks left before Christmas holidays, and I'm sure Shoey has more. Maybe then we'll be able to get together again and update for you. _

_But, this is a special chapter. Because it's been so long, we've made this our combined belated Birthday chapter, and 30__th__ milestone chapter. Hence why it's extra long. Well, more extra long than usual. (It's 91 pages! Definitely a crazy record for us)_

_So yeah, I hope you had fun, keep sending in those questions, and thanks so much for sticking with us all this time. We've been at this 3 years now. Can't say I imagined we'd get here. Maybe we'll be celebrating another 30 chapters in 3 years…maybe…or perhaps by then we'll have moved onto bigger and better things…that pay money…or not. Who knows? _

_Thanks so much for your continued support :D_

_- Tiger-cub684_

_Hey hey! It's been a long time hasn't it? Yes, it has. Sorry 'bout that._

_ANYWAY! Thankyou all for your lovely reviews! We really appreciate that you took time out of your lives to write them :D And thankyou also to all those lurkers who've added us to their favourites or alerts! We also love you 3 There is seriously so much love going 'round. Feel it, feel the love 3 3 3 3 _

_Hope you all enjoyed the fic! See you next chapter! (whenever that may be.)_

_- discombobulated shoe_


	31. Chapter 31

_A/N: The long-awaited Chapter 31, wherein the Marauders torture each other, and various First Years, gratuitously._

_**ACHTUNG!**__ This chapter is a little more mature than past chapters, so if you're at all offended by such lewdness, or are a young 'un, you probably shouldn't read it...or just skip the first question... sorry. We're hormonal teenagers, what do you expect? (Caution for gratuitous sexual references)_

* * *

**Dear Advice Thingy,**

**I saw the most beautiful girl last week, she was tall with black hair and huge- well I told her I Loved her but she ran away! What should I do to find my grey-eyed girl?**

**-Amos the Heartbroken**

Oh dear.

-M

Give up. There's absolutely no hope you'll ever find her again. Forget it and move on.

- S

Amos? Isn't he that guy who chased us when we—

-W

Yes. Shut up Pete.

-S

Well, I think that's a tad harsh, Sirius. It could be true love, and one should never give up on true love.

- J

Well, to be fair, the questioner never mentions _true_ love, as such. Just that he told her he loved her, and was promptly rejected.

-M

Still, he shouldn't give up. It's worth a shot. I mean, if _I_ had given up in my pursuit of Lily, I wouldn't be where I am today. Perhaps Amos and this grey-eyed girl have a promising future ahead of them.

- J

I hate you.

- S

Well, I suppose you're right James.

-M

I hate you too. I hate you both, _so much_.

-S

But, Amos _can't_ pursue her because McGonogall turned us all back into—

-P

Exactly, but Pete, really, shut up.

-S

Well, I'm sure whatever changes occurred since then won't be able to get in the way of their love.

- J

Well, then you'd be _wrong_ wouldn't you.

-S

Hey, you never know Sirius. Don't underestimate the power of love, isn't that right James?

-M

Really? You think Amos would still be interested?

– P

You're right Remus. And I certainly do. I've seen the way he makes eyes at "her" during Charms. It's so romantic.

- J

I think I'm going to be sick.

- S

Now now, Sirius, there's no need for that. Honestly, you can be so narrow-minded sometimes.

-M

Yes Sirius, love takes many forms. If Amos' is as pure and –

- J

If you use the words "love" and "Amos" in the same sentence again, I'm going to break your bloody nose.

- S

Now now Sirius, most, if not all, people are capable of love on at least some level. I'm sure what Amos feels is as valid as anyone else's love. If not strictly "pure".

-M

Nothing about Amos Diggory is pure.

- S

Oh, so that's your problem. You don't think he's pure enough. Well, to be fair, Sirius, I don't think anyone would describe you as "pure" either.

- J

Yeah, he hasn't been "pure" since the summer before Fifth Year.

- P

Aw, be fair, Sirius is "pure" sometimes! I mean, he is very capable of pure idiocy on most days, as we have seen displayed over and over.

-M

True, true, we'll have to give him that.

- J

How about my "pure" hatred for you tossers!

- S

Well, then, I suppose you're much more pure than we first thought. Congratulations, I guess.

-M

Well, now I think someone is just overreacting –

J

Overreacting? You think I'm _overreacting?_ I'm being shockingly calm all things considered!

–S

Well, though it is true that you are indeed being shockingly calm, that doesn't immediately disprove the theory that you are overreacting. Indeed, you are quite calm for _you_, but by normal people's standards you are indeed overreacting.

-M

I agree with Moony. He is being characteristically, yet at the se time, unusually angry. Perhaps it's all just a reaction to Amos' love.

-J

That's it. I'm breaking your nose.

- S

And bloody your porcelain skin? What would A,os think at such violence?

- J

He'd be shocked if his delicate flower were to obtain any sort of blemish to her "porcelain" skin, that's what.

-M

You know what? Why don't you all go crawl into a hole and die?

-S

Now Sirius, that was rather uncalled for. We are just trying to fulfil the purpose of this Thingy by giving practical and insightful advice to this here questioner. You are the one who is being uncooperative and surly, for, might I add, no good reason.

-M

Yes, no good reason at all. Young Amos is simply seeking our advice on how to capture his precious butterfly, and yet you're here, being unreasonably aggressive. Quite suspiciously so.

- J

...Wait, Diggory is talking about a butterfly now? I thought he was talking about –

- P

Someone might think that perhaps you are jealous.

- J

Indeed, the thought had crossed my mind.

-M

...What? Me? This is the most ridiculous conversation I've had in my life! Firstly, how can I be jealous of myself? And secondly, it's FREAKING AMOS! You people are sick. Sick and disturbed people indeed.

- S

You? Where did _you_ come into the picture? Amos said grey-eyed girl with black hair and huge tits. I know you're vain, but how could you think he was talking about you? Unless there's something you want to tell us...

- J

You know full well the situation, Potter. And NO, there's nothing to tell any of you.

- S

Oh, I know that _I_ know, but I do believe our readers may be misinformed.

- J

Maybe you should try that spell again, James. Give Diggory a first date.

- P

What an excellent suggestion, young Peter my friend. Excellent suggestion indeed.

- J

Um. I think I should inform you all of the fact that that entire escapade was recorded and subsequently published. To be honest, I have no idea how you didn't notice, or, for that matter, how Diggory didn't notice. My only conclusion can be that you are all, Diggory included, quite illiterate.

-M

Oh, I'm well aware of the fact. I was just waiting to see how long it took for Sirius to remember. Eh, buddy? Remember that day? Much fun was had.

- J

Hey, I noticed! Does that make me literate?

-P

Yes, well done Pete.

-M

What? You berks _published_ that! I thought we all agreed to edit it out! Burn it, throw it in the lake, feed it to Mrs Norris and all that.

-S

Yes, well, we tried those things. But the parchment that, may I remind you, YOU enchanted refused to be destroyed for some reason. So, none of those things worked.

-M

And so we decided that it would be funnier to post it around the school instead. We even got pictures of you up in the common room. Quite frankly, I'm surprised you didn't notice them earlier.

- J

Honestly Sirius, how oblivious can you get? I thought all the wolf-whistles, if nothing else, would have tipped you off.

-M

Wolf-whistles? I thought that was just because EVERYONE thinks I'm a wildly attractive manly God of all things manly.

-S

...could your head possibly get any more inflated? Merlin, Sirius, you can't honestly believe that's what was happening.

- J

But it makes sense! All the evidence points towards that explanation. You can't blame me for using logic, as you lot so often say I should.

-S

Well, I guess we should just be happy he's using logic at all, no matter how wrong.

- J

Indeed, it is quite a step forward. Though for his "logic" to be in any way effective, he'd have to be, er, disillusioned first. Or at least significantly improve his skills of observation. Sure, I suppose wolf-whistles can be misinterpreted, but earlier today a fellow from Ravenclaw yelled "Oi! You make a hot chick Black! Nice rack!" and I'm not sure what other possible meanings that could have.

-M

Damn, I thought I had just imagined that...

- S

Maybe Sirius should make the change to female for good. People seem to like him better that way. Plus, he makes a less scary girl than Lily.

- P

Hey, great idea Pete.

- J

I don't know, I don't think I could withstand all the public self-groping without being irreversibly traumatised.

-M

Well... we could get you a blindfold?

-P

Or we could tape up his hands so he can't fondle his own breasts. That's just disturbing.

- J

Hey, you like it when Lily does it.

- S

Please can we not have this conversation?

-M

Perhaps, but she doesn't do it in the middle of Charms. Just when we're alone... Wait, how would you even know about that? Shit, now everyone knows. Lily's going to kill me.

- J

Haha, that's not a portrait of Sir Edmund the Gullible in the dorm. That's a one-way window.

- S

Sirius, you disturb me greatly. More than usual I mean.

-M

What? Is that... You mean you _watch_? Eeeeeeewwww!

-P

Damn it, now we'll have to go to the Shack if we want privacy.

- J

Hey! In my defence, I installed it for another purpose entirely! I charge the female students a galleon per minute to look through into our lovely lives. It's quite a lucrative business.

- S

... That doesn't make it any better Sirius.

-M

...I was wondering why Sophia kept winking at me during breakfast

- J

I can't believe you've sacrificed our privacy for a few galleons!

-M

What are you going on about? I've received _multiple_ complaints about you, Moony, apparently all you ever do is _read_. _Ever_. And you always go to the bathroom to change (I haven't installed a window there... yet...) I mean, surely you can put on a bit more of a show? Our customers expect a little action.

-S

I refuse to take part in this strange and invasive "business" you're running.

- M

What do they say about me?

- J

Well, many weren't happy when you got a girlfriend, though their moods changed significantly when it led to you taking off your shirt more often. And before you say anything mate, I did do my best to make sure no one was looking in on your escapades with the lovely Miss Evans, not for your sake, but for the sake of my own precious life (Lily would not hesitate to decapitate me if she found out) but it's hardly MY fault if you're constantly at it, without giving me any warning whatsoever so that I can tell the girls to clear off. I mean really, you should, I dunno, ring a bell whenever you're about to shag or something.

-S

Hmm, perhaps we should have a secret codeword I can tell you whenever I'm about to go upstairs with her. Although you'd think me announcing "ok, I'm going to sleep with Lily now, the dorm's mine for the next hour, find something else to do" is a pretty good indicator.

- J

Oh, so _that's_ what you meant by sleeping with her? I thought you would actually, you know, sleep.

- P

...

- J

Oh, poor naive Wormtail.

-M

I figured you two had psychic dreams and go frolicking in the woods together.

- P

...that would actually be pretty cool, but no. We just have sex.

- J

Just sex? Really? Cos the customers tell me you're into some pretty kinky stuff. Just sayin'.

-S

Well, it all eventually ends up as sex...but I'm not about to detail our foreplay routines in the Thingy.

- J

Is that why I found a horse whip under my bed?

- P

...man, i still have the red marks on my back from that.

- J

_Will somebody PLEASE think of the First Years?_ And me, for that matter.

-M

Can't we just make this the "ages seventeen and over" edition? I'm sick of holding back just because of those damn First Years.

- S

Hmph. I would protest but I doubt you'd listen, however –

-M

Great! So now that's sorted, let's get down to the dirty details!

-S

Well, Tuesdays is theme night. So Lily and I like to –

- J

Before you go any further, I'd just like you to think about what you're about to say, and the fact that we will be completely incapable of unthinking any mental images you create.

-M

Hmm, good point. Lily might whip me if I divulge the secrets of our love life (what of it they haven't already seen through the window, thankyouverymuch, Sirius). And let me tell you, it's definitely possible to be whipped _too_ hard

- J

...I think I know now what those strange noises coming from the stairs that time were...good news is, Peeves is the only poltergeist.

- P

I think she enjoys whipping me a tad too much.

- J

Right. I think that's my cue to change the topic by reminding everyone of the question. So! Just a friendly reminder from your only sane friend, that the purpose of this Thingy is to give advice, and that you should be fulfilling that purpose presently.

-M

Oh, right. Yes, Sirius should definitely turn into a girl again and shag Diggory. Question answered. Nice work there.

- J

Yay! Do we get cake now?

- P

I'm surprised Sirius hasn't said anything yet. Oh, wait, there he is. He's too busy sputtering indignantly to say anything.

-M

WHAT? I NOT doing that. ANY of that. YOU are a tosser.

-S

Why not? We could charge people five gallons to watch. I know a number of people who would like to see that.

- J

I hope those people aren't any people _I_ know. I'd be most disturbed.

-M

Psh, you're ALWAYS disturbed Moony.

-P

Not without reason.

-M

Oh, I think you know a few of them. You know Alison, your study partner for Potions?

- J

Of course I know my own study partner. Why do you mention her?

–M

Oh, no reason...

- J

Let me just end this right now. I NOT going to go ahead with this INSANE ploy. There is absolutely NOTHING in the goddamned world that will make me agree to this. NOTHING.

- S

Oh really?

- J

NOTHING.

- S

Well, if it makes you feel better, you don't have to do EVERYTHING James suggested. I mean, I for one am against turning you into a girl, I still have nightmares about last time.

- M

Yeah! You can just skip that bit if you don't want to do it. I wonder if Diggory'd mind though?

-P

Hmm, good point. Perhaps true love can overcome gender differences...or lack thereof. Isn't that what all those homosexual support groups keep saying?

- J

THATS EVEN WORSE! There's DEFINITELY no way I'm sleeping with Diggory, period. ESPECIALLY as a man. I swear you people are just saying this stuff to scare me

- S

No, we're trying to make money. You should be proud. We're following your example.

- J

Exactly. You should have known when you installed a one-way-window into our dorm that there would be negative repercussions. Of the vengeful sort.

-M

THIS IS NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

- S

Really? Now I'm curious. What sort of vengeance DID you have in mind?

-M

...well, it certainly didn't involve THIS.

- S

Aw come on, Sirius, you can borrow my fluffy handcuffs. Or should I say, Lily's fluffy handcuffs. I reckon Diggory would be into that sort of thing.

- J

I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH DIGGORY

- S

Who said anything about sleeping?

- M

MOONY!

-S

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

M

Is his face red because he's pissed off? Or because he's embarrassed? Or because he secretly wants to "bang" Diggery...whatever that means

- P

I'd say a combination of everything. He's pissed and embarrassed because he secretly dreams of Diggory and his "muscles" and exploring said muscles.

- J

I HATE YOU ALL.

- S

He's just thinking about rolling his oats. Polishing the footstones. Tapping the midnight still. Forging the moaning statue. Bucking the forbidden horse. Donning the velvet hat. If you get my meaning.

-M

Nice work Moony. I think this is the longest you've managed to talk about sex without blushing and telling us to grow up. Well done.

- J

...What? There's hats involved now?

- P

It's a little thing called a "euphemism" Peter.

-M

...dude, kinky.

- P

I'm not sure you understand...

-M

Don't bother. He's never going to get it.

- J

Get what?

- P

Never mind, Peter, never mind.

-M

Where do babies come from?

- P

Not this again. I swear you just do that to get under our skin.

-M

... What do you even do with your girlfriend, again?

- J

We eat toast. And play "hide the popsicle".

- P

...

- J

You see, I get the popsicle and hide it around the room, and then she has to find it. It's usually under the rock.

- P

...thank Merlin, I thought it was something totally different.

- J

I wonder what happened to Sirius? I hope he's not too cross about this question, he seemed a little miffed before, you know?

-M

Hey, where did he go?...Sirius, get back here. You can't climb out that window. It's a forty metre drop, you idiot.

- J

I think I'll take my chances!

- S

If you're paralysed, how will you keep Diggory from "taking" you? Or from me turning you into a girl for our amusement?

- J

OH MERLIN NO.

-S

Wow, I've never seen Sirius so easily dissuaded from doing something he'd set his mind to. Like climbing out the window, for example.

-M

Yes, I think we're finally found the right motivation for him.

- J

Yeah, the things people will do to avoid being ass-raped. You suck James. And I hate you.

-S

Oh, I'm fairly sure _you_ would be the one doing the sucking –

- J

MERLIN JAMES POTTER. I am THIS far away from THROTTLING your scrawny arse right here!

- S

Now now Sirius, save that sort of thing for Diggory.

-M

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Sirius.

- J

Hey look, the vein in his forehead is back!

- P

Really now? I was almost beginning to miss it.

-M

I LOATHE YOU ALL!

- S

Hmm, there should really be another word that means something stronger than hate. Loathe just doesn't quite cut it.

- J

I'm sure if you invested in a thesaurus you'd be able to think of _something_.

-M

I can't. I spent my last sickle on... well, let's just say Lily made me buy it.

- J

Right, no need to elaborate. My curiosity is sated (not that it existed in the first place, mind you).

-M

...so, she made you buy her dresses?

- P

...sure, let's go with that. I suppose they could be considered clothing... in some exclusive circles...

- J

What did I say about elaboration and the distinct lack of need for it?

-M

Hey, Pete asked.

- J

I don't care. At least he's not talking about sodding Diggory.

- S

Oh, yeah, that reminds me.

- J

Why did I have to open my bloody mouth?

- S

I ask you that question all the time Sirius, and yet still have no answer.

-M

I saw Diggory skulking around the hall before. I think he was trying to find a way into our common room. I told the Fat Lady not to let him in, even if he somehow miraculously gets our password...

- J

And of course the Fat Lady would have every reason to listen to you James. I thought she was still, er, upset about you and Sirius' last prank.

-M

...oh crap, you're right. I hope she doesn't let him –

- J

Hey chaps, have you seen a tall busty woman around lately? My sources say she's a Gryffindor.

- Amos Diggory

...Diggory, what the hell are you doing in our common room?

- S

Well, this can only lead to disaster.

-M

Just looking for the girl. I _have_ to find her. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on!

- Amos

You're not going to compare her to a Summer's day are you? Because I don't think I could withhold my laughter.

-M

Um, Diggory, I think it would be a good idea if you left. Now.

- J

You know, she kind of looks like you, Black. Do you have a sister or cousin I don't already know about?

- Amos

He probably has several. They're probably married to each other, knowing his family.

-M

Shut up Moony. Other than Bellatrix? No. I'd say Regulus is like a sister to me. Maybe you should go bother him. In fact, why don't you? The Slytherin password is "pig intestine".

- S

Yeah, or you could ask James to do that spell again.

- P

Spell?

- Diggory

Nothing. Don't listen to Peter. His brain's been addled. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Now get going!

- S

It's this spell that James cast, which turned Sirius into a –

- P

SHUT UP WORMTAIL.

- S

But, he was just about to explain!

- Diggory

And _you_. Get out already will you!

-S

Yes, I think it's time you left. You don't want to make McGonagall mad do you? She does hate it when non-Gryffindors intrude into the common room. She might have another argument with Professor Sprout. Remember what happened last time? There were winding vines everywhere.

- J

As I recall, the only reason there were any non-Gryffindors in the common room was because you decided to have a massive, and rather unruly might I add, party for James' sixteenth birthday.

- M

Well, that was a fantastic party, was it not? Until bloody Lucious decided to crash it with his Slytherin friends. Bastard. I hear it took Pomfrey seven vials of healing potion to fix his nose. I'm quite proud of that.

- J

Yes, well, you're the one who decided to make the password common knowledge amongst the entire castle. I don't imagine the Fat Lady was pleased.

-M

Oh, I remember that party. That was when I first hooked up with that Ravenclaw. Jillian, I think her name was. Quite lovely. Not as lovely, of course, as my grey-eyed maiden.

- Amos

Again with the mystery chick. Get over it Diggory, she doesn't like you. Now get out of here and move on!

- S

Oh you never know Diggory, she could be out there, waiting for you, pining for your love. You know. Things of that nature. Don't give up good man, you may yet see your desired damsel.

-M

_You_ are one sly bastard, Remus Lupin. I'm _onto_ you, that bookish facade isn't fooling anyone.

-S

Why is Black more irritable than normal? It's quite odd.

- Amos

Oh, you know, hormones. I think it's his time of the month.

- J

That... does not make any sense.

- Amos

It makes more sense than you know.

- J

Okay, this is kind of creeping me out.

-Amos

Oh, you don't know the half of it.

-M

Creeping you out, or turning you on?

- J

A bit both?

- P

Oh, is that the time? I think I'd better go. It's awfully late.

- Amos

Heh, funny, it turns out the fact that you're all complete and utter tossers comes in handy sometimes.

-S

Well, he left pretty quickly. Perhaps we were wrong, and true love does not indeed conquer all.

- J

...maybe you could try turning Sirius into a girl again?

- P

Well, that is one possibility

- J

Hmm... maybe our antics were slightly off putting. Ah well, we live to fight another day, as they say. And I would kindly suggest we not apply any gender-altering spells to Sirius' personage, I'd rather not have to ask Made Pomfrey for yet _another_ batch of memory potions. I think she's starting to get suspicious.

-M

Are you sure? We could just do it one more time. I know the reversal spell now. It could be funny.

- J

NO BLOODY WAY. You people have had enough fun for one day. I will NOT just sit here and have you change my anatomy. And don't even think about it, James, or I'll break your wand!

-S

Which one?

- J

ALL OF THEM!

- S

Relax Sirius, I was just messing around. Merlin you need to relax. How about some bath salts and scented candles?

- J

Indeed, I'm sure you'd find that relaxing. We could even get Pete to chase Diggory and bring him back so he could join you, if you so wished.

-M

Oh, that sounds like a great idea. Maybe then you could go eat some silver, James could sodomise himself with his broomstick, and Pete could make friends with Mrs Norris. What a great bloody plan.

- S

Indeed. If you don't mind me saying, you seem a bit, how shall I put it, upset at the moment. Is something bothering you by chance?

-M

Oh, it may just be that my supposed "friends" are all bloody backstabbers who won't be happy until I've been sexually abused by the biggest ponce in the school.

- S

Well, I never said it wouldn't be consensual...

- J

I hate you.

- S

But you've made your point. No more joking about Diggory. Marauders' honour.

- J

Thank you.

- S

Ah well, it was fun while it lasted.

-M

I promise never to talk about how much you long for his touch again.

- J

You little –

- S

You should know better Sirius, Marauders' have no honour

- J

Whatever the case about the ambiguous nature of the honour of a Marauder, I propose we move on from this silliness, onto the next exciting question. So, shall we?

-M

Oh yes, more chances to tempt Sirius with the forbbidden fruit...of other men. I can't wait.

- J

I'm going to make a widow out of Lily by the end of this.

- S

A widow? Did you marry her James? You didn't say! How come I wasn't invited to the wedding?

-P

No, Pete, I'm not married. Not yet anyway. But believe me, if I do get engaged, you'll be the last person to know.

- J

Thanks...wait a sec

- P

* * *

**Dear Marauder's,  
**

**I'm a sixteen year old virgin, and I Siriusly need to get laid. Do you know anyone who can help me with my "problem"?**

**- Celibacy sucks!**

**P.S. I'm looking for a one night stand, NOT an actual relationship!**

Ha! Finally! See James? Girls are just out for a one-night-stand. So much for commitment!

-S

Clearly this girl is misinformed. There is nothing wrong with still being a virgin at sixteen.

- J

I concur. We shouldn't be supporting this growing trend in the belief that being a teenaged virgin is something to be ashamed of.

-M

Exactly. I mean, Moony was seventeen by the time he popped his cherry.

- J

It figures you'd say that. You lot are just out to ruin my fun. I mean, what's so wrong with exploiting girls' insecurities? ... Okay, I know that _sounds_ bad, but it really isn't. Really.

-S

Can we PLEASE not talk about my private life? I mean _really_.

-M

Sirius, we should be telling these girls to appreciate themselves and their virginity, not throw it away like a used tissue. What kind of message are you sending to the First Years?

- J

But I thought we were _supposed_ to talk about your private life

- P

No. The opposite in fact, Peter. And I agree with James, Sirius, supporting this sort of attitude would be adding to the growing change in attitude in society that is leading towards the trivialisation of sexual activities.

-M

Pft! It's just a bit of fun. Typical you making a big deal out of every little thing.

- S

But Sirius, your first time should be something special. This girl deserves better than your sleazy broom cupboard escapades. She deserves candles, and incense, and chocolate covered strawberries. And romantic music. Not dirty socks and tins of white paint.

- J

She deserves _finesse_ and an experienced and attractive male, aka, moi.

- S

Experience doesn't matter. It's going to be lousy either way. At least the flickering lights and stink of cinnamon will distract from the disappointment.

– J

You see, that shows what you know. First times can be brilliant, if you're with someone who has stunningly good looks and knows exactly what they're doing. In other words, you know you're gonna have a good time if it's with, yours truly, Sirius Black.

- S

Once again I'm astounded by your humility. How do you manage it Sirius? Indeed it is one of the great mysteries of the universe.

-M

Before or after she steps into the filthy mop bucket?

- J

Well, obviously I'd have kicked the mop-bucket into a corner, or vanished it or something. I'm not as inconsiderate as you like to believe, Mr I'm-Oh-So-Romantic James Potter.

-S

Funny you forgot to do that for Caroline. The girls talk about that sort of thing, you know. And most of them agree it wasn't very romantic. Hardly the environment to deflower a young maiden.

- J

You know mate, you spend far too much time gossiping with girls. You're turning into one of those crazy paranoid house-wives who spend their lives gas-bagging about their neighbours.

-S

Well now that I'm practically tied down myself, I've got my own talking parrot who does little else but gossip when we're not being intimate or discussing school...and if you're reading this Lily, I love you...remember that.

- J

...you're married to a parrot now? Eww.

- P

That's bestiality James, I thought you were above that.

-S

Oh don't you start, you lecherous pervert.

- J

Don't worry Peter, Sirius is just being his usual, immature self. James isn't really married to a parrot, at least, I should hope not.

-M

Of course not. But seriously, Sirius I don't think it's a good idea for you to "help" this girl. What if she's got a large burly older brother? He might not be too happy if he finds out what happened. Remember what happened after Julia?

- J

Ah yes. Julia. You know, it never would have worked between us anyway.

- S

Of course, because you left her completely of your own volition, and not because her brother said he'd hunt you down and use your entrails to paint his fence or anything.

-M

That was mere coincidence.

-S

Sure. And what about Tabitha?

- J

What about her?

- S

Ah yes, how could anyone forget _that_ fiasco.

-M

She had two brothers after you. One of them gave you a black eye, if I recall correctly, while the other one cracked a rib. You swore after that that you'd never take advantage of a girl's insecurities again.

- J

...that was probably the painkillers talking.

- S

You know, I would say that you deserved to be taught a lesson, but I doubt you're capable of learning from your mistakes, past, present or future.

-M

What's to learn from? Sometimes shit happens, sometimes it doesn't.

- S

But surely you've realised that there are certain events which lead to a higher chance of shit happening. Such as you destroying the purity of young women who don't know what they're doing.

- J

Actions have no meaning. Everything is just a random series of events. It's all just one big coincidence.

– S

You don't seriously believe that, do you?

- J

I have to mate, I have to.

– S

Well, I suppose that explains more than it doesn't, then.

–M

I have no idea what you're talking about.

-P

I guess that's for the best, Peter old friend.

-M

That doesn't even make any sense!

- J

Well, clearly "making sense" is a far off dream at this point, James. I lost hope long ago, but I see the dream still lives on amongst the idealistic youth of today. Oh to be young again.

-M

...you just turned seventeen Moony!

- J

I am aware of that fact. I was joking. It was a joke. As in "oh, jolly good, I am amused." And don't say what I know you're going to say.

-M

Pretty piss-poor joke if you ask me.

-S

Yes, that was the thing I was referring to you _not_ saying, thank you for that Sirius.

-M

Well you're acting more like a bitter old crone every day, it's hard to know when you're joking or being seriously wistful.

- J

It's a bit of both, most days.

-M

What the hell do you have to be bitter about? You're getting top marks, you've dating one of the finest chicks in this school, and you've got the three greatest best friends anyone could ask for. What more could you want?

- S

A touch of sanity. But, yes, I suppose you're right. How uncharacteristically insightful of you.

-M

Well, I'm here to enlighten.

- S

When you're not busy deflowering innocent youths.

- J

You know, there aren't many innocent youths left to deflower James, I mean, that are within a reasonable age-bracket.

-S

That's because you're deflowered half of them!

- J

Well, as much as I'd like to, I can't take _all_ the credit.

- S

You're unbelievable.

- J

Well, statistically speaking, it's not likely that Sirius has deflowered _all_ the girls in Hogwarts. I mean, as much as he brags, he hasn't slept with every single female in this castle.

-M

Yeah, I know of at least _one_ girl he has never slept with.

- J

Who? Bianca? Nah, I went back the next week and we talked it out...whilst naked.

- S

I'm talking about Lily.

- J

Oh, right...yeah, she's all yours...

- S

...you...you have _not_ slept with her, right?

- J

Of course I haven't, mate. You've been pining after her since Third Year. Bros before hoes, and all that. I wouldn't dare...unless she made the first move. Then it's fair game.

- S

Luckily for you, that's never going to happen.

- J

Yes, Sirius, I'd hope you'd draw the line somewhere. And I'm glad to say that Lily has better taste, apparently, than most of the girls attending this school. Then again, she IS going out with James... so I suppose maybe her taste isn't _that_ great after all...

-M

Hey, whose side are you on here?

- J

I'm not on any side. I am a neutral third party.

-M

Sure you are. Traitor.

- J

He means that he's on the side with the most chocolate.

-P

Ridiculous. I would not be bought with such bribery.

-M

I don't see why you're getting your panties all twisted up about this, Prongsie old pal. You've certainly un-maidened a few lasses in your day.

- S

What? Don't be ridiculous. Of course I haven't...

- J

Two words; Kathleen Turner.

- S

...I had no idea at the time...she was just a summer fling

- J

Doesn't change the fact that you're a hypocrite my friend.

- S

Well, to be fair, James' flings never quite matched your own, Sirius.

-M

Yes, thank you Moony. The few girls who I've happened to encounter are but a drop in the ocean compared to Sirius' conquests.

- J

What about Felica? And Monica? And Stacey? And Lily?

- S

Lily is my _girlfriend_.

- J

She still counts.

- S

You've never really had a steady _girlfriend_ Sirius. At least, not one you've managed to go a month with without cheating on.

-M

What? You want me to stay true to one girl and deny the rest of the world a piece of Sirius? Do you know how cruel that is? The injustice? I could never commit such a terrible crime. Everyone deserves a bit of Sirius in their lives.

- S

And some of us have too much.

- J

Exactly, that's why I've got to spread it around. No one girl can handle all of me. I mean, I need three best friends instead of just one. I'd probably need double that amount in girlfriends.

- S

From the way you act, I'd think your goal was to quadruple it. Or more.

-M

Well, the more the merrier, as they say.

- S

Maybe you should move to a country where polygamy is actually legal, in that case. Like Saudi Arabia.

- J

Are we the merry men then? I thought we were the Marauders? Does that make James Robin Hood?

-P

I'm not living in a desert...with all the scorpions...and the heat. Don't be ridiculous James. And clearly _I_ am the star of this show. James is Little John.

- S

What does that make me?

- P

The washer maid.

- S

Well, in any event, I refuse to be Friar Tuck.

-M

But he's perfect, Moony, plays by the rules, always out to spoil Robin Hood's grand plans. Just like you!

- S

...have you even _read_ Robin Hood?

- J

...it's a book now?

- S

Yes. And if you _had_ read it, you would see that _I_ would make the best Robin Hood. And Lily would be my Maid Marian.

- J

Haha, she's not much of a "maid" now.

- S

But doesn't Robin Hood steal from the rich and give to the needy? Does that mean we have to steal from Sirius? 'Cause, I'm cool with that.

-P

Yes indeed, Peter. Go steal from Sirius now, and give the money to me, the needy Friar, who needs to buy some chocolate.

-M

No, give it to me, Robin Hood. I shall redistribute it amongst the disillusioned masses...aka, myself and Remus.

- J

I can live with that, as long as I get a decent cut.

-M

Are we all forgetting that I'm fresh out of cash since my parent's disowned me? I think _I'm_ more needy than you lot.

-S

Says the boy with the jewel encrusted wand.

- J

...what? It's a family heirloom...

- S

Didn't you inherit a veritable tonne of galleons from your Uncle Alphrad?

-M

Yes, the one family member I liked (apart from Andromeda that is) died and left me all this money. Thanks for reminding me Remus.

-S

Sorry, I was simply pointing out the flaw in your previous statement.

-M

Remus is right, you're hardly in the poor house. You have enough money to live comfortably and never work a day in your life. It's a good thing you uncle was such a tight-arse and never spent anything.

- J

Hey, say what you will about my family, but Uncle Alphred was a great man. And yes, it's true he didn't like to spend much. But you don't have to say it like that.

- S

Honestly James, and you berate Sirius for being insensitive.

-M

Wait, so are we stealing anything or not? Cos I got my balaclava out and everything...

-P

...I didn't mean it like that, jeeze.

- J

I would thank you to leave me what possessions I have left, Pete. Else you would like to lose a finger.

- S

If nothing else, you would make an excellent guard dog, Sirius. If only you could get over your lecherous ways. I hear they neuter dogs like that, so they don't get distracted from the guarding.

- J

That is a supurb idea. Though I doubt we'd be able to find someone with the proper qualifications to do so in Hogwarts...

-M

Perhaps not, but I believe I know of a few...underground practitioners who would do just as good a job.

- J

...wait, are you seriously talking about having me neutered? What kind of friends _are_ you?

- S

We're simply trying to do the world a service. Besides, it's not uncommon for dogs to be neutered Sirius. You'll be fine.

-M

But it's animal cruelty! It should be illegal! How more horrifying can you get than cutting off someone's balls? It's bloody barbaric!

- S

Well, it's not like they do it when you're conscious...

- J

...wait, so someone's going to cut off Sirius' balls? Why didn't we think of this sooner? It would solve the problems you've been complaining about, right?

- P

I really don't think that would solve any problems, apart from perhaps the problem of me not actually killing the lot of you on sight. Did I mention you're a bunch of tossers?

- S

Only a billion times. And just so you know, we love you too.

- J

Grrr...

- S

You know Sirius, making dog noises (of which growling is one, might I add) is not at all helping your petition for us to not treat you like a dog.

-M

Hey, that reminds me, I was passing a pet store in the summer holidays and I took the liberty of picking up your birthday present early. Here's a hint; it rhymes with bog piscuits.

- J

Is it dog biscuits?

- P

Oh, good. I was worried at first that we'd gotten the same thing, but mine starts with 'd' and rhymes with 'og collar'.

- M

Seriously, why am I even friends with you people? All you ever do it mock and insult me. And occasionally inflict pain. Why do I put up with this?

- S

Because you love us?

- M

My only response to that Moony, is laughter. Hysterical, ceaseless laughter.

-S

What about my gillyweed supply? If I recall correctly, that's why we became best friends in the first place...or at least, when we were in First Year, it was my mother's triple chocolate chip cookies. But whatever. It's all substance abuse.

-J

...your mum _does_ bake amazing cookies...

- S

...Yes, I really do hope your gillyweed supply was not in existence at the age of eleven...

- M

Of course not...that didn't come in until Third Year...

- J

Yes, because that's so much better.

- M

In my defence, the Sixth Years told me it was magic tea leaves. Forgive me for being so naive at thirteen.

- J

I would if you hadn't used that exact same line on some Third Years a couple of days ago.

- M

It's called passing down the mantle, Moony.

- S

Exactly. Like a rite of passage.

- J

It's called gross irresponsibility is what it's called.

- M

Honestly, what harm is it going to do? We've been smoking gillyweed for years, and look at us; we're perfectly fine.

- J

Exactly. We haven't experienced hair loss, erectile dysfunction or blindness at all. Those smear campaigns are making shit up.

- S

I wouldn't exactly describe you as "fine". In fact, if I were to make a list of words in order of which ones would make apt descriptions of you, "fine" would be around the mid three-hundreds.

- M

...like you can talk, Mr OCD. The fact you're even making lists tells me you're a far distance from fine too.

- J

For the last time colour co-ordinating my socks does not make me OCD! How many times must we have this conversation?

- M

No, but colour-coordinating your wardrobe and organising your stationary in alphabetical order _is_ OCD, not to mention the way you freak out at us at any change in schedule.

- J

You schedule things to be at ridiculous times just to annoy me! 4.17 is an inappropriate time to schedule something. It's just wrong! At least make it 4.00 or 4.30, it's just so much neater.

- M

Fun doesn't wait for when it's "neat", Moony. Fun is spontaneous. No wonder you struggle to grasp the concept.

- J

I have fun. This is another conversation we need not repeat.

- M

Yes, but your definition of fun is something you can fit into a neatly compacted box, between 4.00 and 4.30, back in time to have afternoon tea and then a nap before dinner.

- J

But James, you know how Moony gets if he doesn't have a nap before dinner

- P

Yes, he gets all fussy and irritable. Much like a child.

- J

Indeed. Very child-like. Moony is actually highly using when he's cranky. James, remember when I stole all the roast pumpkin from his plate and then he charmed all the food within a ten metre radius to throw itself at your head because I told him it was you? Fun times.

- S

...yes...fun. Almost as fun as the time I convinced him you replaced all his chocolate with laxatives, and he charmed your sweater into an un-removable strait-jacket.

- J

You have to admit, the strait-jacket was quite a good idea. I should do it more often. It would make the world a happier place.

- M

Yes, I agree. It would lead to much less stolen food...and groping of women, of course.

- J

Those are bad things. That is a bad idea. You are bad people.

- S

No, we are good people. _You_ are the bad person, who needs to be stopped, before you do more bad things.

- J

Bad? _Bad_? Bad like tying up your supposed best friend and throwing him off the astronomy tower?

-S

...that only happened once...and I said I was sorry...with Apology Gillyweed.

- J

As much as it pains me to say this, I suppose you _do_ have a point. Throwing people off the astronomy tower _would_ be considered bad in most social circles.

- M

But not this one apparently?

- P

Apparently.

- M

We're a special case.

-J

Head case more like.

- M

Yet, you're one of us. And quite willingly, I might add.

- J

I know. That mere fact alone verifies that my theory that your crazy is contagious is in fact correct. Thank you James, you have given me your crazy.

-M

What about my crazy? Is my crazy contagious?

- S

I certainly hope not. If so, the future looks bleak.

- M

Only your herpes is contagious, Sirius.

- J

For the last time, the healer said I was clean!

- S

And we only have your word on that. Which is completely trustworthy. Completely.

- M

No, she gave me a certificate and everything. James saw, didn't you Prongsie?

- S

...well all know your aptitude for forgery...

- J

...You suck. I hope you know that.

- S

At least he doesn't have herpes...

- M

You also suck. You all suck.

-S

Even me?

- P

Especially you!

- S

...what did I do-

-P

You all suck! I have half a mind to dump you all and find a new group of friends.

- S

Don't be stupid Sirius...no one else would put up with you like we do.

- J

James is right. You'd be thrown off of the Astronomy Tower before you can say "Remus, James, Peter, I apologise for being a plonker and am ever so grateful for your friendship!"

- M

Pft, don't be daft. I'm Sirius Black. People are literally lining up to be friends with me.

- S

I think you're confusing that with the line of angry brothers and boyfriends who want your blood.

- J

And teachers who want your blood.

- M

And ex-girlfriends who want your blood.

- P

And let's not forget the Slytherins, who you've harassed since First Year.

- J

Okay, okay, I get it. But there's still bound to be _someone_ in this school who'd want to be friends with me.

- S

...yes. And that's us. The people, who already know how retarded and criminally insane you are, but choose to hang out with you anyway.

- J

Honestly Sirius, I don't know what you're complaining about. We get the shorter end of the deal. Isn't it nice to have such supportive and accepting friends?

- M

I hope you're being sarcastic Moony.

- S

But we're not that bad, really. Remember last week when you asked to copy my potions essay, and I said "sure" and gave it to you? See what a good friend I am?

- J

...you shouldn't copy essays. Slughorn will notice, and it completely goes against the entire purpose for going to school, which is to learn, I might add, in case that wasn't already clear.

- M

...I thought we were here to prank Slytherins?

- P

We're here to do many things, Pete. And Moony, I wasn't _copying_ James' essay, I was merely using it for...inspiration...

- S

Sirius, that's what normal people call "copying".

-M

Normal people? Who are these "normal" people you speak of?

- S

Oh, I think you may know a few of them- everyone else but you!

- J

Yes, that is the base requirement of being a normal person: not being Sirius Black.

- M

Also the base requirement of being a decent human being.

- J

And the base requirement for not being awesome! Boo yah! Take that!

- S

...Anyway, Sirius' insatiable ego aside, I think we've managed to get sidetracked, yet again, from our true purpose.

- J

That seems to be a requirement of this Thingy, doesn't it? I confess, I can't even remember the question...

- M

I do! I was about getting with me! I always remember those questions.

- S

That doesn't surprise me.

- M

No, the question was about losing your virginity at sixteen, which I still say is far too young for someone to be worrying about. When you're forty and still a virgin, _then_ there's reason to worry and reach for desperate measures, i.e. Sirius.

- J

Come now James, don't be ridiculous. There's never any cause to resort to measures _that_ desperate.

-M

What great friends you lot are. What would I do without you? Oh! I know: get laid.

-S

You do that anyway. Despite our best efforts, women seem to be blinded to your idiocy and complete tosser-ness, through some sort of charm or something you've probably cast on yourself.

- J

My theory is that it's a potion he mixes in his flea shampoo. Maybe some kind of love potion, or at least something that gives off strong fumes that when inhaled cause hallucinations of Sirius being in some way, shape or form a somewhat adequate selection for a romantic (or as it were, not so romantic) partner. I've been developing this hypothesis for several years and think it's the most logical conclusion.

- M

... YOU'RE a logical conclusion.

- S

I look forward to reading the thesis...or at least the abstract.

- J

It's still a work in progress. I haven't had the opportunity to conduct all of the experiments I've been planning.

- M

Wait, what?

-S

Don't worry Sirius, when it happens, you'll know.

- M

If you need any help with that, I'm in. As long as I get credit as a contributor –

J

Can I help?

- P

Um, I'm sure I can think of something for you to do... How about you be the official chocolate supplier! How does that sound?

– M

It sounds like you're trying to get me to buy you chocolate.

- P

Yes, it does sound rather like that doesn't it? But it's an important role. Very important. Some would say, the _most_ important.

- M

Yes, almost as important as firewhiskey supplier.

- J

But I can't by alcohol. I'm underage!

- P

Pete...we're _all_ underage.

- J

Oh. Yeah. How do you normally get it then?

- P

Well, Sirius usually goes in and flirts with the girl at the counter- ...I may have just remembered why we're friends with Sirius

- J

Because of my winning personality or dashing good looks?

- S

Well, it's clearly not for your ability to give sound advice.

- M

It's more the fact you can use your supposed "good looks" to cheat the system and get us booze.

- J

Even though some might think we are beyond this point in the Thingy, I do feel the need to point out that underage drinking is irresponsible and should not be practiced. That is all.

- M

Do as I say, not as I do, eh Moony?

- J

Something like that... Moving on, I think all the normal and decent people here can safely agree that sixteen is no age to be concerned about losing one's virginity, and that any age is no age to be considering losing it to Sirius Black.

- M

Agreed. Now who wants a butterbeer before the next question?

- J

I do!

- P

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**This question is mostly directed at Remus since he "seems" to be the only sane one out of the four of you. (Though I'm sure James, Sirius and Peter will disagree rather vehemently.) Basically I need some advice about your so-called Advice Thingy, as it seems to be more accurately the Make-Every-Student-In-The-Whole-Bloody-School-Go-Completely-Insane Thingy. What I want to know is, how do you put up with a Gillyweed addict who's hopelessly in love with Lily Evans, a man-slut who apparently has an average relationship length of about hours and a complete and utter idiot (sorry about all the long words, Peter, by the way). Because I literally going crazy just reading your Advice Thingy that isn't really an Advice Thingy because it's really a Make-Every-Student-In-The-Whole-Bloody-School-Go-Completely-Insane Thingy and it can't be both at the se time and... GAH! Don't you see what you're doing? I hate run-on sentences and here I , speaking in them myself! HELP ME!**

**(Not So) Slowly Going Insane**

...sounds like someone needs a joint of gillyweed.

-J

What? Remus the only sane one? I disagree vehemently!

- S

Yes, well, I would say that those are rather accurate observations. How do I put up with it? Well, in a range of ways really. I have a pair of spelled earmuffs (the others are under the impression that my ears are particularly sensitive to the cold) that specifically block out sounds I find annoying, like their voices for instance. And Sirius is actually quite manageable if you have a sufficient quantity of fleas and access to his beddings and clothes, and James is usually either too stoned or too love-struck (it's sometimes difficult to differentiate between the two) to be much of a nuisance and Peter, well, he may be a bit slow sometimes but he's not so bad really.

- M

...wait, where are we?

- P

I am _not_ always stoned or love stuck...occasionally I'm also drunk. Don't forget that.

- J

Oh of course, forgive me for that terrible oversight.

- M

You and your fleas... you're a cruel man Moony, cruel and heartless.

- S

Well, maybe you shouldn't throw my textbooks at James just because you think he cheated in chess.

- M

But he did! That bastard!

- S

Me? Cheat? Never! I'm just a better chess player than you. And far more good looking.

- J

You sir, are a cheat and a liar. A plague on both your houses!

- S

Sirius, please don't try to quote Shakespeare. Please.

- M

I knew teaching him "culture" was a bad idea.

- J

I know, it is something I will forever regret.

- M

Oh, I know Shakespeare. He's that bloke who shook spears, right? I love him.

- P

Yes, Pete, that's exactly who Shakespeare was. He was also the inventor of the milkshake, and not in any way the greatest playwright in history.

- M

Oh! I love milkshakes!

- P

...sometimes, I really wonder if he was dropped on the head as a child...

- J

We all do, James, we all do.

-S

What? Yeah I loved milkshakes as a child too, if that's what you're asking... I never knew this Shakespeare guy invented them though. I figured he was probably too busy shaking spears, you know? I guess that maybe one day he got tired of shaking spears and just shook milk one day instead...

- P

Shh, Peter, I think you're going to make Moony cry... or consider going on a homicidal rampage... one of those two.

- S

Where are my earmuffs? I think my ears a cold.

- M

Those things? I was hungry, to I transfigured them into hamburgers. Real tasty.

- J

I hate you.

- M

Sorry...i though they were Sirius'.

- J

Since when have I ever worn earmuffs?

- S

...I thought maybe you had taken a sudden interest in winter ear protection.

- J

...well you thought wrong.

- S

_I_ think –

- P

Don't lie, Pete.

- S

Shut up Sirius. As I was saying, _I_ think... no wait, I've forgotten now.

- P

I take back what I said earlier about it not being so bad. Someone save me before I completely lose my marbles.

- M

Marbles? I didn't know you had marbles? Do you want me to help you find them?

- P

May I suggest another entertaining and hilarious transfiguration adventure? Like a pidgeon. Or maybe a polecat...

- J

I don't know. My head hurts. I think you lot have finally punctured my brain and all my sanity is leaking out.

- M

Aww, but seeing Peter run around as a cockroach could be funny. Oh! I know! A goldfish.

- J

I'm just going to be lying on the floor here, staring listlessly at the wall and waiting for the inevitable moment when I finally go completely insane.

- M

...I think we broke Moony.

- P

There's no need to be so melodramatic, Remus. And you say _we_ are the annoying ones.

- J

Please just kill me now.

- M

To be, or not to be, that is the question.

- S

Actually, just kill Sirius.

- M

But we've already overused that gag. Any more times and people may start to think we actually intend to kill him.

- J

We don't? You've been lying to me this whole time? For shame James, for shame.

- M

Haha, very funny Moony, you'd never actually kill me... stop looking at me like that. It's unnerving.

- S

Yes, I agree. Stop looking so murderous. You'll scare the First Years.

- J

... I miss my earmuffs...

- M

Would it help if I transfigured something of Sirius' into new ones for you?

- J

Only if they're magical earmuffs that filter out his voice.

- M

...I could probably do that.

-J

Then yes. Yes it would help.

- M

Ok then, let's see what I can do...Sirius, give me your shoes.

- J

Hell no. These are Italian. _Italian_ James!

- S

Please, you've got six other identical pairs in your trunk.

- J

One for each day of the week.

- S

Hand them over Sirius.

- J

...fine. But you owe me.

- S

Great. Now let's see...what's the spell...

- J

Stupid James... ruining my Wednesday shoes...

- S

Shut up. I'm trying to think.

- J

... _you_ shut up.

- S

_Shoicus earmuffius_ hey look, it worked.

- J

...oh, pink! My favourite colour.

- P

... Well as long as they work I suppose it doesn't matter what colour they are... Oh these are actually quite comfortable. Okay, let's test them. Sirius, say something annoying.

- M

You turned my one-hundred percent leather Italian, custom made shoes into pink earmuffs? I am outraged! Outraged beyond words!

- S

Get over it, you baby.

-J

It worked! Brilliant! Best shoe-earmuffs ever.

- M

Though really James, I have to congratulate you on some level for your transfiguration skills. You managed to turn a pair of handmade one-hundred percent Italian leather custom tailored shoes into the most hideous pair of earmuffs I have ever seen. Even I admit that it must have been difficult to turn something to stylish into something so... well... you can see them as well as I can. Bravo James, Bravo. Wednesdays will never be the same.  
- S

...They're just shoes, Sirius. _Shoes_. What are you, a girl?

-J

No. Clearly Remus has that covered with his ridiculous pink earmuffs.

- S

This is brilliant work James, I can't hear a thing.

- M

Hmm, a thing you say...

-J

Are you plotting? I can sense some plotting. At least I'm pretty sure that's your plotting voice.

- P

No...this isn't my plotting voice..._this_ is my plotting voice. Plot plot plot. Now shut up.

- J

Oh wow, that was _really_ plotty.

- P

I can't believe you misjudged that Pete. Shame.

- S

Yes, have we taught you _nothing_ over the past years? _Nothing_?

-J

Sure you have. I know how to get into the kitchens and I know that I shouldn't pull Sirius' tail when he's a dog... and by tail I mean hair... and by dog I mean... person...

- P

...smooth, Pete.

-J

These earmuffs smell kind of like feet... but other than that, no complaints. Consider my sanity saved.

- M

And that's my good deed done for the day. Time to crack out another splif of gillyweed.

- J

Yay gillyweed!

- P

None for you Pete. Not until you know who Shakespeare really is.

- J

You know, I might not be able to hear a thing you say, but I still have full use of my other senses. I'm not _blind_ James, I can see the gillyweed and I can see the First Years and I can see the bad example being set.

- M

...they don't know it's gillyweed. They probably think it's... pixie dust.

- J

Oh, pixie dust? I want some!

- P

Shut up Pete.

- J

I can't hear what you're saying, but I know you're going to try to use the pixie dust excuse again, but I _told_ you, pixie dust has even worse health risks than gillyweed. Wendy never went to Neverland, that's what most people call taking hallucinogenics and going on a massive drug trip. And then writing a children's book about it.

- M

...I can't believe I'm being scolded and you can't even hear me. I should've made those earmuffs blind you too. – J

You could just cast a silencing spell on him.

- S

Hey, brilliant idea Pads. _Silencio_.

- J

...he's _glaring_ again.

- P

Yes, but at least he can't tell me off now. And he can't hear us either. This is brilliant.

- J

Indeed it is. Now, hand me the gillyweed, it's the least you can do after ruining my Wednesdays forever.

- S

Fine. But I highly doubt your Wednesdays will be forever marred by a lack of appropriate footwear.

- J

Thanks, mate. And they will. Trust me. I weep for the future.

- S

Come on. You don't hear me going on about all my stuff that you've ruined.

- J

...like what? I don't recall ever committing such a foul friendship crime as destroying something of yours-

-S

My father's compass, my blue sweater, first broomstick, my red tie, the wand case my grandmother knitted for me-

- J

Okay, okay, so I've ruined a few, small, insignificant things -

-S

And you also tore a certain special cloak, which cost a small fortune to repair.

- J

...I said I was sorry for that.

-S

Still, you did. So really, I should break a few of your things for us to be even...

- J

Well, now, I wouldn't get ahead of myself if I were you. I mean, the shoes alone should be enough, right? I mean, not only did they have a significant monetary value, but they had sentimental value as well. They were my favourite shoes to wear on Wednesdays, I mean, something like that just can't replaced right?

- S

...my cloak is a family heirloom. It's been in the family for centuries.

- J

Yes, but I actively seek to destroy my family heirlooms for my own amusement, so really the shoes are of much more value to me than any heirloom would be.

- S

But this is a _magic_ cloak. That turns people- ...it's just special. More so than some lousy shoes.

-J

Yes, but it's fixed! And I did say sorry. And I would have helped pay for it if I hadn't been disowned. As I recall, I did donate a galleon or two to the cause.

- S

How can you afford custom-made Italian pure leather shoes, but not have any money to help pay for the cloak _you_ ruined?

- J

To be fair James, the whole cloak thing was before my favourite uncle died and left me his fortune. Besides, it was sort of your fault as well anyway. I mean, it was mostly my fault, but I was only carrying out my part of _your_ plan in the first place.

–S

No, _you_ decided to deviate from the plan and detour past the girl's dorms so you could sneak in and see Hayley. If we had stuck to my plan, we never would've ended up running for our lives through Professor Sprout's Dancing Thorn Bushes.

-J

Well, you're the one who put the route so close to girls' dorms, you knew I wouldn't be able to resist the temptation, and yet you took that risk.

- S

Hey I remember that one! But wasn't the route on the other side of the castle to the girls dorms?

- P

As I said. So very very close.

- S

...you're grasping at straws, you know. And it's pathetic.

- J

No you.

- S

You're embarrassing yourself, really.

-J

_You're_ embarrassing yourself.

- S

Moony- oh right, you can't hear me. Or speak. I'm beginning to see a downside.

-J

...he's _still_ glaring. _Still_. I'm not sure if he's blinked yet...

- P

...you don't think I accidentally stunned him, do you?

-J

Actually, I kind of hope you did... he seems kind of mad.

- P

Nah, he's not stunned. See? That's his "I'm above you imbeciles so I'm just going to glare at you menacingly until you see sense and undo whatever misfortune you have dealt" look. Well, I'm pretty sure. It could also be his "I hate you and am going to destroy you as soon as I devise a painful enough method" look...

- S

...so...should I un-silence him? Or just let him sit there?

- J

Whatever you decide, just give me time to hide first...

- P

...I should un-silence him. _Unsilencio_.

-J

You know, I'd just like you to know that I hate you and am going to destroy you as soon as I devise a painful enough method.

- M

I knew it!

- S

Oh come on. So you couldn't talk for a few minutes. Get over it.

- J

I'm taking off these earmuffs so I can ridicule you all more effectively. Also, they really do smell like feet. And not just any ordinary feet, _Sirius_ feet. I think I might pass out from the stench...

- M

My feet smell like fields of daisies, thank you very much.

- S

Sure, dead fields of daisies

- J

That have been covered in sewerage.

- M

...clearly you people and your inferior noses have no idea what you're talking about.

- S

Actually, our noses know all too well what we're talking about. You just don't notice it because your nose has been irreversibly damaged due to being in constant close proximity of the stench.  
- M

Yeah, I'd vouch for that. I used to hate sleeping next to you, but now I barely notice the smell unless you've opened your trunk or the curtains around your bed or walked in my vicinity.

- J

You people over exaggerate so much. It's like I'm at an exaggerators convention.

- S

I'm on the verge of passing out from the stench now.

- J

Hey, I showered like an hour ago. Whatever you're smelling, it's not me.

- S

...Peter, when did you last shower?

- J

Don't look at me like that! Today's not shower day.

- P

Pete, _every_ day should be shower day. Ever since Lily decided so.

- J

Of course. It's Lily's nose we should be concerned about at this point.

- M

Well, she *is* the most important person ever...

- J

Oh sorry, I forgot that fact, please forgive me.

- M

You're forgiven.

- J

How gracious of you.

- M

Anyway, what should we do about Pete? I suggest throwing him in the lake.

- J

The lake would just make the smell _worse_. I'm thinking something along the lines of bathtub. With lots of soap.

- M

Good idea. Lots and lots of soap. All the soap in the castle, in fact.

- J

Good plan, I'll go steal the soap from the girls' bathrooms shall I then?

- S

No. And don't look too happy Sirius; I think we should throw you in as well for good measure. Your feet are nauseating.

- M

Good idea. We can sneak into the Prefect bathroom. That place is huge, plus the mermaid always flirts with me whenever I'm there.

- J

What? No! I don't agree with this! You berks, my feet smell fine!

- S

Come on, you love that mermaid. She's topless.

- J

Well, you _do_ have a point there, I'll give you that...

- S

You know, if I _really_ smell that bad I can just go have a shower? You really don't need to throw me into anything...

- P

No, too late for that. We've decided to throw you into the bath. It's more fun for us that way.

- J

Well, fine, but I can just get in myself you know, you don't have to toss me in or anything.

– P

Yes he does. He's a tosser, it's in his nature.

-S

That's rich coming from you, destroyer-of-family-heirlooms.

- J

Yes, well, at least your Wednesdays remain untarnished.

- S

I doubt they'll ever be the same if you keep bringing this up every week.

- J

He will.

- M

Only because _you_ tarnished them in the first place.

- S

...do someone's shoes need to be varnished?

-P

Not any more they don't. Maybe you can polish Moony's new smelly pink ear muffs instead.

- S

Quite frankly, I'm a little disappointed no one's commended me on my brilliant transfiguration efforts. They don't teach this kind of advanced stuff in class, I can tell you now.

-J

I said I was impressed! You managed to turn something truly beautiful into something truly... not. That was impressive. I was impressed. In a sort of annoyed and deeply saddened way. _Deeply_ saddened.

- S

...I was hoping for more "Wow James, you made magic and stylish earmuffs out of some crappy shoes. You are amazing. I am amazed. Have all my chocolate, firewhiskey and toast."

- J

You and your ulterior motives. Keep your hands away from my chocolate.

- M

No ulterior motives. And you can keep your chocolate, in exchange for a little praise and adoration.

- J

I shouldn't have to "exchange" anything to keep something I already own.

- M

Do I really have to beg, Remus? Is this really what you've reduced me to?

- J

Say yes! Say yes!

- S

I'm not going to make James beg me to praise him for his transfiguration skills. James is the only one who can reduce himself to that level. If you're really that desperate for praise, go ask Peter.

- M

James is awesome! He is my favourite person named James!

- P

And that's why Pete's my favourite. Thanks Pete.

- J

Toast is awesome. Toast is my favourite food named toast!

- P

...I take it back. Pete, I hate you.

- J

Hate is awesome! Hate is my favourite... waaaaaaait...

-P

I don't see why we should be in awe of your horrible shoe-ruining skills. If you were Kreacher, Mother would kick you into the basement and not feed you for a week.

- S

...I really feel sorry for your house elf sometimes.

- J

You shouldn't. He spits in your food.

- S

...that bastard.

- J

Just be thankful he doesn't know about your mushroom allergy.

- S

Shush! I told you not to tell people about that. Now the Slytherins are going to try to poison me so I'm out of this week's Quidditch match. Nice going Sirius.

- J

If they wanted to poison you, they'd probably just put actual poison in your food. It's more their style.

- S

But where are they going to get real poison? Mushrooms are much more accessible. Those disgusting bastards grow in every dank corner and every crevice of this place.

- J

Mate, they live in a dungeon. They could just, scrape some of the slime off the walls. Or wring some of Snape's hair grease into a vial.

- S

Great, now I have to be worried about slime and Snape's hair grease. Thanks Sirius.

- J

No worries.

- S

I hate you. You're going to make me paranoid.

- J

Don't worry James, we'll make sure no-one puts slime, grease, poison or mushrooms in your food. And if they do, I'm sure some mysterious karmic event that is in no way related to me, law-abiding prefect that I am, will conveniently befall the perpetrators.

- M

Ah Moony, I do love your brand of karmic justice. Except on the occasions when they're found out and Pads and I get blamed. Because the "perfect prefect" would never _ever_ set Merric's robes on fire after he knocked your box of chocolates, spilling them all on the floor.

- J

Me? Fire? Robes? Merric? Set? Why I _never_!

- M

Yes, well that's what McGonogall said, when I tried to tell her the truth. I'd never heard her laugh until that day.

- J

Because the very idea of such a thing is ludicrous. Honestly James, it's like you don't know me at all.

- M

Oh, I do know you. I know you better than anyone. Especially McGonogall.

- J

I'm with James on this one Moony. You know _I_ got detention that time when you swapped Anderson's herbology project with a venomous tentacula, when I told Professor Sprout it was you she actually said "Remus? You really expect me to believe that? Remus is a sweetheart." A _sweetheart_ Moony. _You_.

- S

I did no such thing. Also he deserved it. Not that that's relevant.

- M

Say what you will about our antics, Moony, but at least we take responsibility for our pranks. You just step back and use your "good reputation" to let us take the blame.

- J

I also step back when the Slytherins mysteriously and inexplicably all turn green for a week, or when the furniture in Filch's office just somehow happens to have become stuck upside down onto the ceiling of the staff room, or when all the pumpkin juice at Halloween tastes strangely similar to firewhiskey. And when asked, I ensure the teachers that I know nothing of such events, and as your close and personal friend have no knowledge whatsoever of you partaking in such activities.

- M

It would be nice if you could assure the teachers of our non-involvement the rest of the time too. Detention used to be tolerable, and sometimes even fun, but now it's just an inconvenience.

- J

Especially since Filch started searching me for flasks. Scrubbing the trophies in the trophy hall sober is unbearable.

- S

I can only assure them of your innocence so often before they'll start to think I'm _lying_ or something ridiculous like that. You two also have a reputation you know. You might be surprised to hear this, but many of the staff here are slightly adverse to your, well, existence.

- M

What? Adverse to me? Charming and polite James Potter? Whose parents send them expensive bottles of port every Christmas? Whose academic record is as impeccable as his taste in liquor?

- J

What about me? I flirt with _all_ the female teachers, even McGonogall! _Especially_ McGonogall! Surely that gives me a few good points.

- S

Yes. That. I'm just going to be straight with you, that doesn't work. That was _never_ going to work. I think McGonogall actually has your name on her hit-list (which I have personally never seen, but am sure exists).

- M

I have to agree with Moony there, although I loathe to do so. McGonogall does seem to have a special disapproving glare she saves just for you Sirius. And no, I don't think it's because she secretly wants you.

- J

What are you talking about? Of course she wants me. I can see it in the way she undresses me with her eyes, and the ways she moans "Detention, Mr Black" in that voluptuous husky voice of hers.

- S

...your mind is a strange and scary place, Sirius...

- J

I think I threw up a bit in my mouth.

- M

...I'm scared.

- P

We all are Pete, we all are.

- J

Ah, I wouldn't expect you _children_ to understand our love.

- S

I can safely say, Sirius, that _no one_ understands you. And if anyone does, then I fear for them. Truly.

- M

Yeah, I mean, McGonogall reminds me of my Grandma Patty. How can you honestly be attracted to that?

- J

Ah, age is simply a number. And the higher the number, the more experience she has in the bedroom. Sexy expierence.

- S

...James, is it possible to _scourgify_ one's own brain?

- M

No, but I could do it for you if you want. As long as you promise to do me next.

- J

You people are overreacting. How can you not see the way she struts around the castle, like a sexy cougar. On heat.

- S

Souring may not be enough. I say this calls for a memory wipe.

- J

Obliviate me. Now.

- M

Will do. _Obliviate_.

- J

So, where were we? Have we answered the question?

- M

Hey Moony, read up a bit on the parchment.

- S

Why would I want to... I hate you Sirius Black.

- M

Maybe we could just burn the parchment. The world is safer without the knowledge of Sirius' sick fantasies.

- J

I second that motion.

- M

I thought you guys said it was indestructible. That's why you wouldn't destroy it when you talked about me and Mr Biggles.

- P

No, i believe Sirius' words were "No Pete, we can't destroy the Thingy, cos it's everyone's business what you do with that paedophile. For evidence in his court case, of course, obviously not to embarrass you in front of your peers". But he was lying. it _was_ to embarrass you.

- J

I'm starting to really understand what the questioner was talking about. (See what I did there?)

- M

Same here. There are just some aspects of certain people's lives that just don't need to be immortalized on paper and spread throughout the school...where McGonogall will likely see it and give certain people detention for calling her a cougar.

- J

Ah, detention. Just another chance to work more intimately with my lady love...

- S

Sirius, stop before you actually make me throw up.

- M

Yes, please stop. Even my stomach is threatening to expel its contents if you keep this up.

- J

See, now you've _told_ me that, I _obviously_ have to continue.

- S

You really don't. You really really don't.

- M

Oh, but I do. McGonogall is more sensuous than –

- S

_Silencio!_ ...I should've done that hours ago.

- J

Thank you for that James, you are now officially brilliant.

- M

Thank you for finally acknowledging it, Moony.

- J

... It's so quiet.

- P

I know. It's slightly unnerving...

- J

...Sirius, what are you doin- Oh, _Merlin_ no. _Please_ do not mime. Stop. You are going to make people sick.

- M

I should've known not being able to talk wouldn't stop him.

- J

I think this calls for fleas, he's destroying my brain.

- M

I agree. This level of torture cannot go unpunished. I'll go get the emergency jar.

- J

Wait, what's he doing now? What's that supposed to be? I don't get it...

- P

I'm sorry Pete, but I will not look. I refuse to look. I'm protecting my eyes. Actually that was a lie, I'm not sorry at all.

- M

Got it. It's surprising how quickly one can run up and to our dorm and back with the right motivation. And now to unleash sweet revenge...

- J

This is the quietest Sirius' has ever been when threatened with fleas. I love silencing charms.

- M

As do I. Without the noise, it's hard to tell if he's miming "No, don't you dare Potter or I'll set fire to your hair!" or "I feel like some pie". It's probably the pie thing.

- J

He's got that murderous glint in his eye again...maybe we shouldn't open the fleas.

- P

Nonsense, Pete. Justice needs to be served. No boy should have to hear about the fantasised sexual exploits of his House Head.

- J

Don't. Just, let us never speak of this again. That way I can at least pretend not to be permanently traumatised.

- M

Yes, thanks to him, I'll never be able to see her eat pudding again... die Sirius. *opens jar*

- J

...it's fun to watch him run...

-P

Oh, look at that. He just cleared the armchair with one leap. Watch out for the First Years- ...woops. I hope Pomfrey's got plenty of beds available.

- J

Oh dear...

- M

Ow, my legs!

- Unidentified First Year

...so, we agree the story is Sirius got drunk and went on a rampage while we were quietly studying?

- J

... I suppose so, since we are never ever _ever_ to mention the actual story _ever_ again. And if Sirius does, then he knows what awaits him.

– M

Yes, McGonogall's wrath. Which is the absolute furthest from being anything sexual even in Sirius' warped imagination. And probably involves suspension. For extreme vulgarity.

- J

He keeps tripping over First Years...why are they all scattered around here anyway?

- P

Ow, my spleen!

- Redheaded First Year

Oh, for Merlin's sake! _Petrificus totalus_!

- M

Ow, my back!

- Freckled First Year

...Nice work. Now he's like a sack of bricks. But at least the collateral damage is more contained.

- J

I think it's high time we ended this... And possibly left Sirius on the roof to think about his actions.

- M

Oh, shotgun tying him to the roof. I don't think there's supposed to be a thunder storm tonight...but I could be wrong...

- J

If there is we'll obviously take him down, I may be severely psychologically scarred, but that doesn't mean I want to electrocute the person responsible, no matter how much of an insufferable tosser he can be.

- M

...oh right...of course we don't want to electrocute him...that would be cruel...besides, i suppose being infested with fleas while in a body bind and unable to scratch must be punishment enough.

- J

Well, when you put it like that it sounds a bit harsh... I only put him in a body bind because he seemed hell bent on destroying the entire Gryffindor First Year population, one broken bone at a time.

- M

Good of the many outweighing the needs of the one, eh? Maybe we don't need to put him on the roof. If we do, he may seek to get us back even more. I think we could get away being even if we leave it at this.

- J

...should we move him off those First Years?

- P

No, they're fine. Anyway, I'll un-silence him. _Unsilencio_.

- J

YOU BASTARDS. YOU COMPLETE BASTARDS.

- S

Ah, silencing charm, I miss you so.

- M

YOU UTTER UTTER BASTARDS.

- S

Get over it. You deserve it for talking about McGonogall's breasts in that fashion. In fact, I think she'd do the same if she were here.

- J

James. Just... don't. Okay. Don't. We're not mentioning it. It never happened.

- M

YOU COMPLETE TOSSERS. UNBIND ME THIS INSTANT!

- S

As long as you promise not to go stampeding around the common room injuring the poor First Years.

- M

I'm a Second Year!

- Injured Second Year

And Second Years. Actually, all years.

- M

...we should probably unbind him. I think the kid he's lying on is turning blue.

- J

...I want my mummy!

- Suffocating First Year

_Un-petrificus totallus_!

- M

About time! Stupid fleas! Why is it we can turn expensive shoes into earmuffs but there's no spell to combat fleas?

- S

...most pet owners keep their dogs too clean to get fleas in the first place...

- J

Yes, well, I'm ready to eat inordinate amounts of chocolate to try and combat the trauma of this evening. So, in response to the original question (you all remember that right? You see, we do this thing, where we answer questions...) The truth is, that yes, this Thingy is a farce, but the questions all get answered eventually in some way shape or form. And yes, my sanity has been permanently damaged by my constant close proximity to crazy people.

- M

Don't try to act like you're above us, Mr Chocolate-Addiction. You contribute to the insanity of this Thingy just as much as the rest of us.

- J

I told you, it's because you've permanently damaged my sanity. I think around mid Second Year was the point of no return when I knew that my sanity would never be whole again. So, basically, I still stand by the fact that you lot were crazy first, and then infected me. Much like with the plague.

- M

...that's stupid. Everyone knows the quiet friendless types are the ones who snap and go on a killing spree. If anything, we saved for from going insane...by making you a different kind of insane.

- J

Wild speculation. Also, I'd like you to know, that every moment you continue talking to me, I have to wait just a little longer to immerse myself in sugary therapy, thus pushing me ever closer to the homicidal type of insanity, rather than towards the putting-up-with-crazy-people-despite-better-judgment type of crazy.

- M

You're inconsolable. I roll my eyes at you. Gratuitously.

- J

...so, should we get Madame Pomfrey?

- P

I need my chocolate to regain rationality.

- M

I'm dying...

- Dramatic First Year

...Nah, they'll be fine. Nothing a little firewhiskey and gillyweed won't fix. Right Sirius?

- J

I'm still mad at you!

- S

Right. I'm getting Madam Pomfrey, and then I'm getting chocolate.

– M

And I'm getting pie!

- P

* * *

_Okay, so that took quite a while didn't it? This chapter was written over the course of... a LONG time. Seriously. There's even a Dragon Age: Origins reference in there. That's how long ago we worked on that question. We are sorry it took so long, but real life does on occasion obstruct fanfic production. Also I am lazy._

_Thanks for all your kind reviews! We're super glad you all continue to be amused by this! Also, if any of you found any of this chapter offensive in any way, it was probably Tiger's fault. That's my story and I'm sticking with it._

_- discombobulated shoe_

_PS. Tiger says hi._


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